Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Started by denise. Last reply by Sara Murphy Oct 10. 3 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on May 3, 2017 at 4:14pm

Dear Tiffany ...  I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away all your grief, but unfortunately we have all come to realize grief is part of life whether we like it or not.  I truly feel your pain because you boyfriend and you didn't even have time together as a couple, getting married, etc.  Death doesn't make sense to any of us when the person is so young.

Your grief is far too raw yet and when I went to counseling they said not to make any important decisions for a year or until YOU feel ready.   Grief is a process where we cry our eyes out, having problems sleeping or perhaps either eating too much to fill that pain or don't have an appetite.  We tend you bury ourselves in our work to shut out the pain, but we all know once home we have the reality of grief shoved in our face.  It can seem for some of us that Grim Reaper has parked at our door when all we hear is bad news and I went through that myself.  Two friends passed away for me, then my Ernie's youngest brother and now his oldest brother has heart issues and it doesn't sound good. 

The young man that is interested in you seems to care enough about you to wait until you feel the time is right.  He's doing the only thing he knows and that's to keep the conversation light because there are no words of wisdom from those who have not lost someone close to them. If you need to talk and you feel he's understanding then be honest with him about your feelings.  Apparently, he's wise enough to give you some space, but that doesn't mean you can't keep him in your life as a friend for the time being.  It is strictly up to you.

Guilt is one phase we all go through with questions such as, 'Did I do enough?'  'What did I miss.'  'I should have paid more attention.'  Perhaps an small argument ensued or you didn't let your boyfriend know how much you loved him close to the time of his death.  We all go through this.  It's very normal and you did nothing wrong.  Your boyfriend knew you loved him without even saying a word. 

You are not crazy and your posts are not too long.  Often posting about your feelings alleviates pressure and knowing the angels on Legacy know exactly how you feel brings one peace.  My Ernie passed away in 2011 and April 27th was the anniversary of his death.  I was able to face reality that he was never coming back, but do believe they are around us guiding us through our grief and wanting us to be happy.  I talk t Ernie in the car or at home and I don't care if anyone feels that's crazy or not.  We were married for almost 40 years.  No matter what the age or how long you've known the person who passed away grief is grief and hurts just as much.  Just keep coming back to Legacy as we're here for you Tiffany and will always lead you down the right path from our own experiences.

Big hugs


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 3, 2017 at 2:41pm


PS : grief is indeed a bitch...and sometimes when a bitch tries to knock you  down, all you can do is be a bitch right back at her!

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 3, 2017 at 2:38pm

Dear Tiffany,

I wish to concur with Sara's opinion regarding the fact that your grief is much too raw and fresh to feel comfortable allowing anyone, no matter how well meaning, to rush you toward anything for which you are not ready. We all here realize from our sharing with one another that unless a person has experienced for themselves the devastation of losing their most most beloved soulmate, they cannot fathom the vulnerable state in which we exist.

A true friend will try to understand and allow you as much time and space as you need to get through this early period of guilt, sadness, and confusion after your terrible loss. It is probably good that he is honest in expressing his growing attachment, but it is even better that you let him know you are dealing with all you can handle right now.

A favorite phrase I picked up somewhere has been my response countless times over the past two years whenever someone asks when I will be ready for "fill-in-the-blank". I look into their eyes and quietly say "I'm dancing as fast as I can." Often this is met with a confused silence and quick glances toward the door, but some intuitive friends simply get it and say "OK - I don't mean to pressure you - I'm sorry."

I know you will have mixed feelings about relationships, love, and guilt and also know that you will get through this...just give yourself what you are asking of your friend - time.

Wishing you a peaceful day and week,

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Tiffany Phillips on May 3, 2017 at 1:09pm

And that's what I said, I'm not ready for anything.  I guess what's just making me freak out are all of these emotions at once.  Grief is a bitch.

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 3, 2017 at 12:05pm

Tiffany.....My own opinion is that it's WAY too soon to get into another relationship.  As you said, you didn't break up because this relationship wasn't working, he died and if not for that you and he would still be together.  You're still in the early stages, the fog and until that lifts, you really don't need any additional outside pressures.    Yes, someday you'll want someone by your side but now's not that time.  I totally understand the guilt as I can't even think about ever dating again without feeling guilty about leaving Ken behind.  My husband's been gone for almost 16 months and it's still too soon for me so 4 months is beyond comprehension (in my opinion only).  If this person is pressuring you, you may have to tell him outright that you have nothing to give right now and let him go.  If he's still around a year from now, then maybe it was meant to be.

Comment by Tiffany Phillips on May 3, 2017 at 11:42am

I guess to make it make more sense, I received a text last night that said "I'm getting attached." and my reply was "It's not like him and I broke up, he died.  I still wear my promise ring, I still think about how tomorrow and next year could be, I still cry when I get in the closet.  It's all complicated."  And that's how I feel, confused and complicated and I just cried myself to sleep, almost blaming ML because if he wouldn't have died and left me I wouldn't be feeling like this and feeling confused and crying.  And I just don't know what to do or how to feel or how not to just randomly cry.

Comment by Tiffany Phillips on May 3, 2017 at 9:51am

Sorry I haven't been around much, but I am thinking of everyone here.  After losing my boyfriend in January, we found out my dad has prostate cancer and to be honest it just seems like the one's around me can't catch a break and it breaks my heart.
But that's not really why I'm messaging today.  I'm beyond confused and to be honest, you guys are the only one's that I don't think will assume I'm crazy lol.
It's only been 4 months and I still get sad, I'm still grieving, etc.  I know I'll be doing that a lot.  I know it's part of the healing process and I've accepted that.

A friend and I have been texting, just the normal "How's your day" "whatcha doing" "what movie you watching" texts throughout the day.  Nothing that would insinuate anything wrong, although I know he cares about me as more than a friend.. unfortunately the only emotion I can feel is guilt.  I've explained to him that it's too soon and he completely respects that.

Logically I know that he has passed and is not coming back.  Logically I know that eventually I will hopefully find someone and logically I know that I don't want to be alone and be that crazy cat lady down the street.  But the only emotion I can feel is guilt.  And I have enough guilt over his passing. I don't need more guilt when I know that I'm not doing anything wrong.  So how do I move past that feeling.  How do I know what to do.  How do I live.  I've never lost anyone that was close to me, and I just feel torn in two some days.  I'm lucky that I have an amazing job that I love and that keeps me busy.  Because then I can focus on that and my mind doesn't wander as much, but at night.. well let's just say thank goodness for prescriptions or I wouldn't be getting much sleep.
I know this is probably rambling and might not make sense, but a million different thoughts are running through my head and I just wanted to get some of it out and see what people who understand losing someone have to think about it.
Sorry, for the length.

Comment by Gretchen G on May 3, 2017 at 7:12am
Thinking of everyone here its national widows day....
Been having a hard time seeing the posts on my phone, and haven't had time to go online to really catch-up. Hope everyone is doing their best.
Hugs to you all!
Comment by Marsha H on May 3, 2017 at 4:44am

Sara ...  Hope you are feeling a bit better.  What a nice thought Ken and Steve will be in heaven together.  Sara is very lucky to have you and you both have something in common now and eventually she'll share her feelings. 

Of course we are always here for you and others as we're family!



Comment by Sara Murphy on May 2, 2017 at 11:28am

Thank you Chuck and Marsha for your kind words.   My Legacy family is always by my side with an understanding like no other.   I hope to be able to help Sara in a way that no one outside of Legacy could help me.  With the personal first hand experience comes the knowledge of what to say/not say or do/not do.  One thing I hope will ease her pain is knowing that Ken and Steve went WAY back to long before Sara met him so Steve already has one friend to hang with in heaven.

Chuck......I'm going to have to add that movie to my list of movies to watch.  I think it's nice to see grief played out with such reality to it.  I look at it as a "teachable moment".




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