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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1328
Latest Conversations: 19 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Chicago Beard on June 16, 2017 at 9:31am

Michael
My Rose also suffered cancer which she beat. However, the chemotherapy damaged her heart and that is what eventually took her from me. I am still in contact with her side of the family although none of them live near me. I have almost no family left on my side so it is not an issue.

Comment by Deb S on June 16, 2017 at 8:10am

Michael, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife on your son's 18th birthday. I lost my husband on July 22, 2015. I no longer hear from his family. I initiate contact but hear nothing in return. It breaks my heart because we were close enough to enjoy vacationing together as well as frequent phone calls and get-togethers. My husband and I also hosted 3 family reunions where folks arrived from near and far.

I don't know how to handle it. I miss them and the fun times we had together. At the same time, it hurts to be forgotten. HUGS and prayers to you as you deal with these family issues.  Debbie

Comment by Michael Smith on June 16, 2017 at 7:35am

Hi everyone.

My wife and I were given the diagnosis of her cancer two months after her 41st birthday. We were told she would do chemo until she couldn't handle it anymore. She fought for 2 and a half years. She died October 28th 2015, it was our middle sons 18th birthday. She was at home in our living room, a room I still have trouble going into. I talk to her every day and cry most of them. I realized this past weekend that I have trouble getting around family. Especially her side. I'm just wondering if this is something others have experienced?

Comment by Marsha H on June 16, 2017 at 4:38am

My dear big brother Chuck ....  I'm thinking of you on this special day and I'm praying it will be full of wonderful memories and not so much sadness.  You have a new future now and I know Larry and Mark would be thrilled for the two of you.  Dance my friend! 

Thank you for the beautiful story and I do love the picture of the two of you.  It's a beautiful photo and one can almost read what is going through both your minds (love, peace and joy in life.)

Your loving sister

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on June 16, 2017 at 4:35am

Mary.Jane ...  I will be thinking of you and saying a prayer on the 17th.  Remember, you are not alone as all of us here will be thinking of you on this special day. 

Be careful my dear friend with drinking as it can catch up to you.  Many a time I feel like 'getting a blast from the past' and shutting out the world, but I don't dare do it as there is a lot of alcoholism in my family so my brother and I are super careful.  I trust you and know you will curb the drinking.  I hope you aren't angry at me, but I care and I just have to say what is in my heart because I want the very best for you in life and in your future.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Chicago Beard on June 15, 2017 at 3:01pm

Comment by Chicago Beard on June 15, 2017 at 2:22pm

Sandfly
When Rose passed I called work and told them I was taking the week off. Just sat on the couch with the TV on, not watching. Went back to work and was able to do my job but it was very surreal. It was probably good that I was working in administration at the time rather than on a unit (it was a state hospital for the criminally insane). As you have heard from others, the intensity of your grief will lessen even though it will never totally go away. Listen to your feelings and do what you need to do for you. There is no right or wrong way, just your way and that is OK.

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 15, 2017 at 11:20am
Dear Sandfly....I think your going to work even for a short time is one of the most courageous things I have ever read here. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been, and returning to an empty house must have been heartbreaking...but you DID it! And u will do it again...sometimes I wish I had somewhere to go to...I seem to do better on days when I have to leave the house...to go to the Dr or market..it gives me some sort of purpose. I know that is hard to understand now, but I sit here day after day and do NOTHING. I know that isn,t good. I also only have a cat..and last night I was feeling sorry for myself..and tried to cuddle kitty...and cats just don,t have the empathy that dogs do...and it went badly(insert laughter here)
Even tho you think your husband is gone, honestly, if you open your heart you will feel him with you. I spent 15 months actually believing my husband would walk through the kitchen door and say "I'm home! Did you miss me?" I seriously thought this was all one colossal bad dream, and he wasn,t really dead..and he would return. Every month I get together with other ladies and play a game called Bunco. When Bob was alive, he,d be sitting in his chair when I returned, and he,d laugh, and say "did you win?" For the first three months after he died, I couldn,t walk in the house alone..I had a friend go in with me..cuz I couldn,t look at his empty chair..and not hear his laughter.
People at your work,place don,t make it better for you..they all assume you don,t want to talk about it, or if they ask you how you are doing, you will break into tears..and they are afraid of that happening. I am guessing they might have given initial condolences, and then avoided you. I know this is true, as I have a close friend who started working at my last company, right after his wife had died. We were told before he started working there, that his wife had just died, and not to mention it. It wasn,t until we became friends, that he asked me "why no one had ever mentioned his wife's death?" and was shocked when I told him we were told NOT to mention it. He had thought no one had cared..for almost 6 months no one had told him...and he said it would have been better if someone had mentioned it.., so maybe going to work might be better for you if you bring up that subject?
I cannot tell u what will help...but I would try to return to work..even for a short time each day, or for just a day or two a week...and if it doesn,t work out, maybe a different job would be the answer? I hope you will forgive me for intruding..and Marsha is correct..baby steps.
Comment by Marsha H on June 15, 2017 at 4:30am

Sandfly ...  All of us here have experienced and some, still experiencing missing our spouses so much it feels like our hearts have been torn out of our chests.  Unfortunately, it is a normal part of the grieving process.  You are in what they call, 'raw grief' and that's the toughest part the grief journey, but I promise you although you will always miss your husband the dread dulls in time.  Fond memories take over and you will survive.  Yes, there will be days when you will always shed a tear or two over a memory or simply missing your husband.  It has been 6 years for me and I still can have tears over the loss of my husband and wish he'd be here to hug me like he use to.  We had no children and there is just me and my two little dogs and thank heavens for them.  There is a living, breathing little creature in the home and yes, they feel grief too and will be loyal to your needs. 

I am so proud of the fact you attempted to go to work even if you didn't put a full day in.  Baby steps are so important going through grief.  In time, it will get a bit easier for you to go back to work without fear of anyone asking how you are doing.  We all started taking baby steps and most of us couldn't realize how we got from one day to the next, but we did.  Please believe your husband is close to you and giving you strength through the worst part of grief.  I believe that with all my heart from the experiences I've had.  Also coming here and venting your true feelings help and again, we all do understand how horrific the journey of grief is, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  One day you will be shocked because you laughed out loud and another day you'll realize you're stronger than you thought.

May I suggest you go to grief counseling or at least one-on-one grief counseling.  It does help to a degree and gives you a push in the right direction.  This site is also the most helpful dealing with grief and has saved my life when I felt I couldn't go on.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

Big hugs (because you need one)

Marsha

Comment by Sandfly on June 15, 2017 at 3:57am

Hello everyone, I am so lost today. Forced myself to go to work and only lasted half a day. I feel useless .I have no purpose. Coming home was even worse. I wish my husband was here to talk to. Give me a hug. It's just me and the cat. It is 9 months tomorrow since he died. I have no idea how I even made this far. It hurts so much

 

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