Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 7 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi yesterday.
Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25.
Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25.
Steve, I absolutely love the lamp. So beautiful and poignant. Also love the symbolism as I am sure he was the light of your life. Sara,DJ, Marsha and Mary Jane, thanks so much for your comments. Mary Jane I am so glad you survived the big 50th wedding anniversary. Well done. it is such a huge milestone and in my opinion it is still is. I believe we continue our relationship, just in a different way. Still sucks we can not see them though.
I woke up this morning and could not stop crying, I am actually getting worse. Did not go to work AGAIN then I stressed out because I am afraid I may lose my job. Work is not going well, I started a new role (They restructured and my other job disappeared) in the same place when I went back to work after my darling died. I still have no idea of what I am supposed to be doing or, when I know what I should be doing, I don't know how to do it. It is a nightmare. I have already spoken to my boss and he has been supportive but now I just feel like a nuisance. I am embarassed as well as scared So I just don't go. Avoidance is my middle name.
Anyway, I ended up going to see a puppy! I drove for an hour and a half to get there .They had a litter of labradors, 2 weeks old. I put a black male on hold then drove back. Was so unsure about what to do. A puppy is a big commitment and I work full time. It was also 1,200 (NZ) dollars. I cried on the way back an I asked my husband, his name is David, to give me a sign. Guess what! The lady from second chance dog rescue rang me today and said she has the perfect dog for me. A female 7 year old bearded collie cross (That actually looks like a lab), loves cats and can be at home alone without anxiety. I took that as a sign! The owner health is deteriorating and Nellie needs rehoming. And I can foster her to start with and if she does not work out they will find her a suitable home.Cancelled the puppy which was gorgeous and I am a little excited about Nellie. I hope she works out. Mr Pip (my cat) has the final say though. Will keep you posted :)
Steve.......that's a beautiful lamp you found to use as an urn for Mark. Very talented, I wouldn't have been able to do any such thing. I have Ken's ashes in a beautiful urn I picked out at the funeral home and also chose a heart shaped necklace which has his ashes as well. It's very discreet so I can wear it to work and nobody has any idea of how special it is.
Sandfly....I just read your post and my heart breaks for you even though I feel the same way. One of the things I found most helpful when I first found this site was when someone else took the words and thoughts from my head and typed them here. At that point I knew I found "my people"....people who actually understood. Until then, I thought something was wrong with me. I didn't understand the depths of this grief until I lost Ken and so I thought I was wrong for feeling the way I was feeling. Even now at 17 months out, I want nothing more than to be with him. I tell him all the time that I don't know how much longer I can do this. My end game is still what it's always been, to spend eternity with my soul mate, my one true love. Unfortunately for me, it's something that's going to have to wait for now. I have 4 beautiful nieces that I want to watch grow up, I have a couple of nephews that are just about there (18 & 21) and Ken would be SO MAD at me if I did anything to hurt myself so I'll stay put until the good Lord calls me home Himself. The good thing is time doesn't exist in Heaven so for him, it'll be the blink of an eye and I'll be there. I too have Ken's ashes here in my bedroom. It makes me feel better to have him close even though I know he's with me wherever I go.
You have found your people too......those of us who understand in a way that others who have not experienced this profound loss could. Please reach out to us anytime. Many times I've wished we all lived close enough that I could give you a hug in person but I'll have to send you this cyber hug instead.
Michael......I'm still trying to catch up on the posts so I just read yours now. I lost my husband Ken on 1/13/16 which I also note as the day my life ended as well. I still cry for him most days so what you're feeling is normal, even having trouble with going into your living room. I too have difficulty being around family when it's a family gathering. I'm fine if I see someone individually but with family gatherings, such as today at my brother's house for a Father's Day cookout, I notice the family is incomplete because Ken is not there. Last weekend I went to Ken's brothers' house to visit my father in-law. It was nice to see them and I know Ken would want me to but if I don't initiate the contact, it would never happen. I hope coming here helps you realize you're not alone and what you feel is normal........even if it doesn't feel normal.
Sending a hug your way.
Sandfly and All my Legacy family,
Mark and I, long before his passing, had discussed each other’s final wishes should the unthinkable happen. For Mark, his choice was simplistic and yet thoughtful; he wanted his body donated to research and his cremains spread somewhere of my choosing or placed in an urn until I passed and then have our ashes added together before releasing. In either scenario, it would be my choice, Mark knew he had a neurological disorder of the genetic kind that was still not understood or researched to the extent of other disorders. Anyone born with this disease was given the same treatments for Parkinson’s as this was the closest thing and it was easier for those with it to just say they have Parkinson’s.
I followed his request and arranged for Southwestern University Medical to pick him up from the coroner. Then in turn notified me when they were finished with details of where and how I could arrange for pickup of his cremains. His cremains were in a black box which was placed in a beautiful velvet bag, the color was the darkest navy blue I have ever seen, it looked black until the light would hit it and then you could see the navy blue. Just so happens that Mark’s favorites colors were all the royal colors of red, blue, green and gold. I decided to place his cremains into a lamp, so off I went looking in second hand stores hoping to find the right lamp, nothing really in my mind, but I would know when I saw it. And find it indeed, first trip out with all the colors he loved. The lamp needed some repair, but not too much and this is something I enjoyed anyway, finding discarded lamps and repurposing them.
I also went online and found a small cobalt container with a Celtic cross that one could place a small amount of cremains inside, it is attached to a leather necklace and can be worn if so inclined.
This all seemed to follow Mark’s wishes and so to this very day, each time I turn on the lamp I think of Mark and yes, most days I am saying good morning or good night to him, the smaller container is loosely draped around the neck of the lamp and hangs to the side, while going thru my first year without Mark I wore it 27/7, now I know where it is and can choose the occasion to bring Mark along with me.
I took a picture this morning of the lamp and will attempt to post it, might have to separate it separately, hope this helps others who may be struggling with similar decisions and also let them know that you are not crazy, spooky or otherwise; there is no right or wrong way to dealing with cremains or grief. Just do what you feel is right, that is the correct choice for all.
Sandfly ... It is very normal to have sleepless night in raw grief and every so often when you are more settled in life. Thanks heavens for our pets as they too feel our grief and miss our other half. I have a lovely Mahogany Box with my husband's ashes in them and also ashes of our past beloved pets and when I pass away my family will set the ashes free altogether. You could also look at Urns if you prefer that.
I too had pains in my chest and was checked out, but it's a broken heart that causes that and will not cause a heart attack. I know it's so easy to want to have the odd drink of alcohol and I could of, but stayed away from it as there is a lot of alcoholism in my family. If you can't sleep night after night then please see your doctor. Sleep and eating as best you can is essential to get through the grieving process and going for walks is also very important. Thankfully my dogs got me up and walking and I've been doing it every since.
With your raw grief of course it's normal to feel as if your very soul has been torn out of your body; your heart aches and you feel alone (you can feel alone in a roomful of people) and feelings of no future, but there is a future for you and it's called, 'reinventing yourself.' You will get stronger and better Sandfly so keep on moving and doing what you can manage. Come here often and just vent. If you can find the energy to do it try volunteering for a few hours because it does help. I will admit that when my beautiful husband passed away in Hospice I just wished I could have done something to go with him, but it was not to be and that is quite normal as well. I never did try to end my life for some strange reason. Even all the heartache I went through and can still go through it's my dogs that keep me going as they too are getting older and need me. Right now I find the loneliness the worse of grief.
Don't push you yourself or be too hard on yourself trying to finish off your husband's book. When in raw grief it is such a shock that one can't concentrate so wait until you have had time to heal where you can think clearly. I too am writing a book about grief in hopes of helping others who are grieving, but there it sits in my computer as I go up/down with my emotions. I know I will finish it eventually and so will you.
Your husband sounds much like mine and he was also very patient, kind, loved all animals, bird (Robins were his favorite) and I just noticed early in the evening last night that Humming Birds have started to come around and they never did before. I take that as a sign from my beloved.
Sandfly, rest, try to eat as best you can, see your doctor so you can have a better sleep. Although right now you feel as if the world has collapsed around you and everything you were use to and sharing with your spouse is gone you WILL get through this and you are stronger than you think. To come here and read posts is concrete evidence you are not alone with you pain going through the journey of grief and we're here to help in any way possible.
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