Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1337
Latest Conversations: 2 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Marsha H 2 hours ago. 24 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on June 22, 2017 at 6:03pm
Thank you, Micheal. Your words are very sweet. I think you do a wonderful job of expressing your feelings...and your lack of focus is a symptom of grief. I REALLY have it..and it shows up here when I start typing about a subject, and go off on a whole different area in the same post.
I don,t have ANY focus at home either, so if something is important, I have to write it down so I will remember.
Melanie is a very pretty name, and I totally believe you seeing the Mickey Mouse items are sent from her!
I talk to Bob all day long..and he REALLY helps me FIND things...I am always misplacing everything..things I just had in my hand, that I cannot find anywhere..and when I ask him to find them..I SWEAR they sort of just APPEAR! Happens every time.
Do you have days that you feel Melanie is close to you? As if she is standing next to you? I do sometimes, but mostly I feel BOb is somewhere above me, watching from afar..hopefully to protect me.
Comment by Michael Smith on June 22, 2017 at 12:57pm

Mary Jane  I hope you are having a better day. I haven't been coming here very long but i really enjoy reading the words of encouragement from everyone. 

I'm not very good about expressing my feelings though. I start to type something and lose my thought before I finish most of the time. My wife's name was Melanie and she was a huge mickey mouse fan. When i happen to see a mickey item i believe it is her saying hi. telling me she is watching over me and our boys. 



Comment by Mary. Jane on June 22, 2017 at 12:11pm
Thanks for replying. I really appreciate your responses. I am afraid I am getting addicted to this site.
Comment by Marsha H on June 21, 2017 at 5:37am

Dear Mary.Jane ...  What a beautiful song, but I do think we will see our beloved spouses when our time comes.  I also believe for at least a little while they are very close to us until we have more strength and can stand on our own two feet.

I am so sorry to hear you are having so many bad days.  You always brighten up Legacy with your true love and caring so please, never think you don't have a place to go as we're your extended family and willing and able to comfort you as best we can.



Comment by Sandfly on June 21, 2017 at 4:33am

Mary Jane I am thinking of you. How many times we forget for a second they are not here and then WHAM! We remember and it feels like it just happened. I was walking home from work tonight and I swear for a second it was all normal, there was a pretty sunset,I was going home, and David was there waiting for me. Then I remembered and I felt like a hand was squeezing my heart.It almost knocked me over. Sending you hugs and I pray that your day will be a little better tomorrow.

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 20, 2017 at 10:12pm
This has been one of the most terrible days ever.sorry to hijack this site with so many posts. I just DIDN,t know where else to go.
Comment by Mary. Jane on June 20, 2017 at 10:18am
You wake you get out of are careful not to disturb your sleeping partner, as you exit the bed...sometimes, you even take a few steps..trying to be quiet..and then you are alone.
Comment by Mary. Jane on June 19, 2017 at 2:41pm
OMG!..STEVE..using a lamp for your loved ones remains in the coolest, most beautiful thing I have ever seen!! The symbolism of shining his light through the depths of darkness is so touching! Plus, the fact that you built it for him, and you...and your new life where he can still light up your world...I have never even imagined such a lovely way to both honor a loved one, and at the same time, sort of !"keep his light with you always"
While I wish I could keep Bobs ashes with me forever, he ALWAYS said how important if was to him that his ashes be scattered in a certain place he loved..but (It's ok to laugh here...) he granted me permission to keep,some of the with me always.
I must tell you all, Bob was ALWAYS afraid of cancer..even when he was in his 20's, it was like he always knew how he would die. I am just now realizing how TERRIFIED he was of knowing this. FEar ruled a major part of his life...and when he would get sick during his life, when he was younger, he would never see a doctor...because he knew they would find cancer. So during any illness, fear made him really grumpy and in horrible moods when ever he got sick.
Sooo, when he was diagnosed with cancer, everyone expected him to be very difficult to deal with emotionally. To our SHOCK, he was just the opposite. He was NOT freaked out, his moods were always good, laughing, I won,t go as far as saying he was 'happy' but I think he was. He had ALWAYS known this would happen, and he spent his entire life being afraid of it..and when it actually DID happen, he wasn,t afraid anymore. The difference in his attitude was astonishing. During the entire 4 months from diagnosis to death, he was loving, BRAVE, funny, he never complained, he wasn,t angry anymore...because he DIDN,t have to be afraid anymore.
We both knew as soon as he was diagnosed, that he would never recover. We never put that into words, but it was never an issue of "If" but one of "WHEN"
Ok, Sorry this post turned from a lovely lamp, into this..but sometimes I start trying, and go off into a completely different direction. I would like to tell you where he wants his ashes scattered, but that's for another post...I am done with this story for now..but it is great to have y'all to tell this to, and I thank you all.
Comment by Sandfly on June 19, 2017 at 12:12am

Steve, I absolutely love the lamp. So beautiful and poignant. Also  love the symbolism as I am sure he was the light of your life. Sara,DJ, Marsha and Mary Jane, thanks so much for your comments.  Mary Jane I am so glad you survived the big 50th wedding anniversary. Well done. it is such a huge milestone and in my opinion it is still is. I believe we continue our relationship, just in a different way. Still sucks we can not see them though.

 I woke up this morning and could not stop crying, I am actually getting worse. Did not go to work AGAIN then I stressed out because I am afraid I may lose my job. Work is not going well, I started a new role (They restructured and my other job disappeared) in the same place when I went back to work after my darling died. I still have no idea of what I am supposed to be doing or, when I know what I should be doing, I don't know how to do it. It is a nightmare. I have already spoken to my boss and he has been supportive but now I just feel like a nuisance. I am embarassed as well as scared  So I just don't go. Avoidance is my middle name.

Anyway, I ended up going to see a puppy! I drove for an hour and a half to get there .They had a litter of  labradors, 2 weeks old. I put a black male on hold then drove back. Was so unsure about what to do. A puppy is a big commitment and I work full time. It was also 1,200 (NZ) dollars. I cried on the way back an I asked my husband, his name is David,  to give me a sign. Guess what! The lady from second chance dog rescue rang me today and said she has the perfect dog for me. A female 7 year old bearded collie cross (That actually looks like a lab), loves cats and can be at home alone without anxiety. I took that as a sign! The owner health is deteriorating and Nellie needs rehoming. And I can foster her to start with and if she does not work out they will find her a suitable home.Cancelled the puppy which was gorgeous and I am a little excited about Nellie. I hope she works out. Mr Pip (my cat) has the final say though. Will keep you posted :) 

Comment by Sara Murphy on June 18, 2017 at 10:18pm

Steve.......that's a beautiful lamp you found to use as an urn for Mark.  Very talented, I wouldn't have been able to do any such thing.  I have Ken's ashes in a beautiful urn I picked out at the funeral home and also chose a heart shaped necklace which has his ashes as well.  It's very discreet so I can wear it to work and nobody has any idea of how special it is.


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