Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 7 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi yesterday.
Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25.
Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25.
Dear Mary-Jane ... Thank you so much for your advice. I am bad for feeling guilty and I do wish the couple all the happiness they can handle. I just don't want to put myself through more stress. I know even now after 6 years of Ernie's passing that the things we once enjoyed are just not enjoyable any longer and when you're struggling through alone with something such as this wedding of people that don't even bother to keep in touch it's a double whammy. I do have fond memories of Ernie and I, but because we said out 25th wedding anniversary vows at the very same place this just makes me sadder. In my mind, he should be there! In reality I know it's not possible.
I sure hope you are feeling much better Mary.Jane and have some days of peace. I think of you often as I do others.
My dear brother Chicago Beard ...
Thank you so much for your opinions and I feel better that you said I really don't have to go. When remembering Ernie's and my 25th Wedding vows it only saddens me sitting in the same place, seeing other couples together, sitting basically alone while others talk to each other because they know each other and you never really get involved in the merriment because seldom does one single person get to be asked to dance. I am happy for this couple getting married, but not close to them and if I have to go through the pain of remembering then it at least should be for someone that I know fairly well and who has kept in contact with me. Some people can look at memories such as this situation and perhaps feel happy, but I find it's just a reminder of the love of my life who is deceased now. I will have to make up my mind soon. I am not happy I am put in this awkward situation. I have explained to this couple about my feelings, but, it's like they simply didn't understand or were so excited about their up-coming wedding my conversation went right over their heads.
Thank you again for being there for me my brother.
Mary.Jane ... Thank you so much for your input and opinions and I do value them. The late invitation doesn't really bother me at all and as I told Steve, this couple have not once kept In touch with me since Ernie's passing.
Ernie wasn't close with this cousin at all. I don't feel the need to go and represent him although I'm not nasty enough to not feel happy for this couple getting married.
It's the memories of our 25th wedding anniversary at the same place, with the same couple standing up for this couple who stood up for Ernie and I. It's surreal and I just can't explain it. If I was close to these people I would go pain or not, but I'm not. I've been to a wedding of someone I am close too a year ago and as I told Steve thankfully my friend (in his 20's too) had the intelligence to realize I would not feel comfortable coming without a guest so he invited my best girlfriend to come along and I thank God, he did because we were sitting at a table and talking with other people, but suddenly when others came into the reception hall that they new they left my friend and I high and dry. We sat there not knowing anyone and watching other people dance. We stayed a respectable time and left. That was difficult enough, but this one at the Lodge with all the memories of Ernie and I would really be quite sad for me. When you miss your spouse as I know you do, happiness evades you to a degree when out celebrating and seeing couples together. It's part of grief and loneliness. I know I don't really want to go and have told them I didn't think I would be there, but they looked stunned as if I was speaking a foreign language. Oh yes, people can understand how we feel to some degree because Ernie and I have helped two widows in the past with small children and although we could never feel the dire pain they did we could feel empathy for them and were there for them if they needed a shoulder to cry on or just to know someone understood to some degree. People I've met and I've met many where I live just simply don't give a damn because they have their spouses and are having a good time and of course they should. I just miss Ernie all the more and remembering our ceremony there is like sticking needles in me. I am strong, extroverted, but I just don't have that same joy and excitement boil up in me anymore. I just can't help it.
Dear Brother Steve ... No, it's not the last minute invitation at all. It's the fact these people have never once phoned me since Ernie's passing or given me much thought at all. The other problem is I won't know anyone there. I have already been to another wedding for someone I did care about and thankfully my girlfriend was invited too and thank heavens for that because if not I would have been sitting all alone. The other guests made no motion to invite me to their table and my girlfriend and I were sitting alone. No one asked us to dance so we sat there feeling very out of place. We stayed a respectable time and left earlier than most other guests. Now this wedding on July 1st is at the Lodge where Ernie and I said our 25th Wedding Anniversary vows with the same two people standing up for the bride and groom that stood up for Ernie and I. Seeing people with their spouses enjoy everything I will admit I do envy that so much. Oh yes, you are placed at a table with people, but they know each other and you just aren't invited into their conversations. I would find being at this Lodge very sad as memories of how happy Ernie and I were redoing our vows and now he's gone. If this couple have stayed somewhat in contact I would try my best to go to the wedding even though it would pain me, but they didn't and why should I go through the pain of it all. Just think, you were married at a certain place and then your spouse passed away and now a wedding and merriment for all, but inside us grievers we don't feel the same. I would find it so sad. I am truly happy for this couple, but just uncomfortable going. I doubt most here would feel the merriment of the occasion as they normally would if their spouses were with them. I am a strong woman and have no fear of going anywhere alone, but the Lodge, the couple not bothering me since Ernie's death and sitting while others dance would be quite painful and life is just too short. It's so hard to explain my brother and I hope you understand. I sure appreciate your input.
Hugs to you little brother
The very first thought I had was this, had the invitation been delivered weeks or a month in advance; would you feel better about going or would it have made it far worse having the same apprehensions spread out longer? I pose this question because of the specific details you have outlined. Some of the details appear to be more than just coincidences on the surface, while some of the other details could be just as you said, a last-minute thought on the part of the couple; however, if you choose to accept the other details as something planned by forces we do not understand, then the couple had no choice late or early. In any case, the decision ahead of you no matter which way you decide, one could haunt you, ever wondering what if I do not go, should I have? And the other, going and having sad memories, or going and reliving your renewed vows in a way only Ernie could arrange, surely not to hurt you.
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