Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane Jul 1. 13 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on June 27, 2017 at 4:16am

Hi Sara ...  You are always here for me when I need some direction in my life and I really appreciate it as I know you have some rough days of your own.

Your advice was very good.  I am still torn as whether to go or not.  Of all times to have a wedding, July 1st and holiday for us like your July 4th.  I am angry that this couple invited me at the last minute (made me feel like an afterthought) and put me in this position in the first place.  Of course I will send a nice Wedding greeting card and a gift, but I don't know for sure what I'm going to do.  Part of me wants to face the reality of going, but the other part of me knows the fond memory Ernie and I had saying our vows again after 25 years of marriage and I think I'd be too sad.  As I said, if it was friends getting married I'd go without hesitation, but not when someone never calls or drops by to see how I'm doing. I don't feel at all that I should invite him or his new wife for dinner because we aren't close at all.  I am happy for them, but will admit I wish sometimes things would work out for me and I try not to be envious.  Happiness for some of us seems just a hair away. 

Thanks again Sara for your input and understanding my dilemma.

Comment by Diane C on June 26, 2017 at 11:34am

Hi Marsha,

I vote for the "no-go" decision. After reading your comments I think this is in your best interest. I would send a card congratulating them. I would feel the same way you do if I were in your shoes. Find something fun to do that evening and call it a day!!

Love ya, Diane

Comment by Sara Murphy on June 25, 2017 at 3:01pm

Marsha....In reading the comments surrounding your dilemma over this upcoming wedding, I sense you don't want to go and wanted to know if that's okay.  It absolutely is.  I liked Steve's thought that maybe this is something orchestrated by the heavens but given that it's causing you grief just thinking about it, I'm not sure that's the case.   If you had maintained contact with this person, then I would say go for a bit and cut out early however since this seems to be the first time he's contacted you since Ernie's passing, you don't owe him any time now.  You need to do what's best and easiest for you and hope he understands.  You can always suggest getting together with him and his new wife for dinner at some point after the wedding and see if he accepts. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 25, 2017 at 1:15pm
The book is called "Option B" and after listening to this woman, I will be buying this book.
Comment by Mary. Jane on June 25, 2017 at 1:13pm
Ok this is a RIGHT NOW suggestion...if you have the OWN channel (Oprah) watch it now! It's about dealing with a death of a spouse, a lady named Sheryl Sandburg discusses her book on how she dealt with the death of her husband. So far it is EXCELLENT! I am going to check out to see if her book is available. She is the COO of Facebook...
Comment by Marsha H on June 24, 2017 at 3:10pm

Dear Mary-Jane  ...  Thank you so much for your advice.  I am bad for feeling guilty and I do wish the couple all the happiness they can handle.  I just don't want to put myself through more stress.  I know even now after 6 years of Ernie's passing that the things we once enjoyed are just not enjoyable any longer and when you're struggling through alone with something such as this wedding of people that don't even bother to keep in touch it's a double whammy.  I do have fond memories of Ernie and I, but because we said out 25th wedding anniversary vows at the very same place this just makes me sadder.  In my mind, he should be there!  In reality I know it's not possible.

I sure hope you are feeling much better Mary.Jane and have some days of peace.  I think of you often as I do others. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 24, 2017 at 1:40pm
DeR Marsha...I think you've answered your own question whether to go or not.
In my opinion, you shouldn't,t give this a second thought. You've given more reasons NOT to go...then the heck with them..send them a card and call a girlfriend, and take yourself out to a nice dinner that day, instead of beating yourself up. These folks are not worth the stress and pain they are causing you.You are a good lady, and don,t deserve all of this drama.. so let it go, and get on with your life, and DO NOT feel guilty about it.
Comment by Marsha H on June 24, 2017 at 4:48am

My dear brother Chicago Beard ...

Thank you so much for your opinions and I feel better that you said I really don't have to go.  When remembering Ernie's and my 25th Wedding vows it only saddens me sitting in the same place, seeing other couples together, sitting basically alone while others talk to each other because they know each other and you never really get involved in the merriment because seldom does one single person get to be asked to dance.  I am happy for this couple getting married, but not close to them and if I have to go through the pain of remembering then it at least should be for someone that I know fairly well and who has kept in contact with me.  Some people can look at memories such as this situation and perhaps feel happy, but I find it's just a reminder of the love of my life who is deceased now.  I will have to make up my mind soon.  I am not happy I am put in this awkward situation.  I have explained to this couple about my feelings, but, it's like they simply didn't understand or were so excited about their up-coming wedding my conversation went right over their heads. 

Thank you again for being there for me my brother.



Comment by Marsha H on June 24, 2017 at 4:38am

Mary.Jane ...  Thank you so much for your input and opinions and I do value them.  The late invitation doesn't really bother me at all and as I told Steve, this couple have not once kept In touch with me since Ernie's passing. 

Ernie wasn't close with this cousin at all.  I don't feel the need to go and represent him although I'm not nasty enough to not feel happy for this couple getting married.

It's the memories of our 25th wedding anniversary at the same place, with the same couple standing up for this couple who stood up for Ernie and I.  It's surreal and I just can't explain it.  If I was close to these people I would go pain or not, but I'm not.  I've been to a wedding of someone I am close too a year ago and as I told Steve thankfully my friend (in his 20's too) had the intelligence to realize I would not feel comfortable coming without a guest so he invited my best girlfriend to come along and I thank God, he did because we were sitting at a table and talking with other people, but suddenly when others came into the reception hall that they new they left my friend and I high and dry.  We sat there not knowing anyone and watching other people dance.  We stayed a respectable time and left.  That was difficult enough, but this one at the Lodge with all the memories of Ernie and I would really be quite sad for me.  When you miss your spouse as I know you do, happiness evades you to a degree when out celebrating and seeing couples together.  It's part of grief and loneliness.  I know I don't really want to go and have told them I didn't think I would be there, but they looked stunned as if I was speaking a foreign language.  Oh yes, people can understand how we feel to some degree because Ernie and I have helped two widows in the past with small children and although we could never feel the dire pain they did we could feel empathy for them and were there for them if they needed a shoulder to cry on or just to know someone understood to some degree.  People I've met and I've met many where I live just simply don't give a damn because they have their spouses and are having a good time and of course they should.  I just miss Ernie all the more and remembering our ceremony there is like sticking needles in me.  I am strong, extroverted, but I just don't have that same joy and excitement boil up in me anymore.  I just can't help it.



Comment by Marsha H on June 24, 2017 at 4:22am

Dear Brother Steve ...  No, it's not the last minute invitation at all.  It's the fact these people have never once phoned me since Ernie's passing or given me much thought at all.  The other problem is I won't know anyone there.  I have already been to another wedding for someone I did care about and thankfully my girlfriend was invited too and thank heavens for that because if not I would have been sitting all alone.  The other guests made no motion to invite me to their table and my girlfriend and I were sitting alone.  No one asked us to dance so we sat there feeling very out of place.  We stayed a respectable time and left earlier than most other guests.  Now this wedding on July 1st is at the Lodge where Ernie and I said our 25th Wedding Anniversary vows with the same two people standing up for the bride and groom that stood up for Ernie and I. Seeing people with their spouses enjoy everything I will admit I do envy that so much.   Oh yes, you are placed at a table with people, but they know each other and you just aren't invited into their conversations.  I would find being at this Lodge very sad as memories of how happy Ernie and I were redoing our vows and now he's gone.  If this couple have stayed somewhat in contact I would try my best to go to the wedding even though it would pain me, but they didn't and why should I go through the pain of it all.  Just think, you were married at a certain place and then your spouse passed away and now a wedding and merriment for all, but inside us grievers we don't feel the same.  I would find it so sad.  I am truly happy for this couple, but just uncomfortable going.  I doubt most here would feel the merriment of the occasion as they normally would if their spouses were with them.  I am a strong woman and have no fear of going anywhere alone, but the Lodge, the couple not bothering me since Ernie's death and sitting while others dance would be quite painful and life is just too short.  It's so hard to explain my brother and I hope you understand.  I sure appreciate your input.

Hugs to you little brother



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