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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1328
Latest Conversations: 19 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on June 30, 2017 at 10:59am
MIcheal, I wish you a wonderful weekend with your son. It is very easy for those who DIDN,t have to MAKE the decisions to disagree with us who DID have to make them. I think he might be secretly beating himself up for not being there..and it is easier to blame someone else..he might be thinking if he had been there, maybe she wouldn,t have died. Guilt is a powerful emotion and all of us feel guilty about something concerning the loss of our loved one. We beat ourselves up with "If onlies, and what ifs" when there was really nothing anyone could have done. It was their time to leave this earth.. If it wasn,t, they wouldn,t have died. Your son is very young, and probably angry at the universe for taking his mother...so he is taking it out on you. I hope he doesn,t want to argue with you..but if he does, understand humans seem to have to blame someone or something for everything.. try not to argue..it might be years before he understands that there may not have been enough TIME to mull over major decisions...you did what you thought was best..and tell him you love him very much, and always will.
Comment by Michael Smith on June 30, 2017 at 8:13am

I pray that everyone on here has a great weekend. Melanie loved to watch fire works and I think of her when I hear them start.  I will be driving to our oldest's home to visit him and his wife. We don't talk as often as we should. We need to mend some fences. He was away at college while his mother was sick and he didn't agree with some of my decisions. 

Comment by Marsha H on June 27, 2017 at 4:20am

Hi Diane C ...  As always my dear friend you pop up out of nowhere when I post a problem and I love ya for it.

Thanks for understanding why I feel it isn't a good idea to go to this wedding.  As I said to Sara if it were friends getting married I wouldn't hesitate no matter how sad I would be being at the same place where Ernie and I redid our 25th wedding anniversary vows.  It made me angry they asked me so late as if I were an afterthought.  July 1st is like your July 4th so lots of things I could do to celebrate.  Of course I'm happy for the couple and will certainly send a card and gift.

Love ya back girl

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on June 27, 2017 at 4:16am

Hi Sara ...  You are always here for me when I need some direction in my life and I really appreciate it as I know you have some rough days of your own.

Your advice was very good.  I am still torn as whether to go or not.  Of all times to have a wedding, July 1st and holiday for us like your July 4th.  I am angry that this couple invited me at the last minute (made me feel like an afterthought) and put me in this position in the first place.  Of course I will send a nice Wedding greeting card and a gift, but I don't know for sure what I'm going to do.  Part of me wants to face the reality of going, but the other part of me knows the fond memory Ernie and I had saying our vows again after 25 years of marriage and I think I'd be too sad.  As I said, if it was friends getting married I'd go without hesitation, but not when someone never calls or drops by to see how I'm doing. I don't feel at all that I should invite him or his new wife for dinner because we aren't close at all.  I am happy for them, but will admit I wish sometimes things would work out for me and I try not to be envious.  Happiness for some of us seems just a hair away. 

Thanks again Sara for your input and understanding my dilemma.

Comment by Diane C on June 26, 2017 at 11:34am

Hi Marsha,

I vote for the "no-go" decision. After reading your comments I think this is in your best interest. I would send a card congratulating them. I would feel the same way you do if I were in your shoes. Find something fun to do that evening and call it a day!!

Love ya, Diane

Comment by Sara Murphy on June 25, 2017 at 3:01pm

Marsha....In reading the comments surrounding your dilemma over this upcoming wedding, I sense you don't want to go and wanted to know if that's okay.  It absolutely is.  I liked Steve's thought that maybe this is something orchestrated by the heavens but given that it's causing you grief just thinking about it, I'm not sure that's the case.   If you had maintained contact with this person, then I would say go for a bit and cut out early however since this seems to be the first time he's contacted you since Ernie's passing, you don't owe him any time now.  You need to do what's best and easiest for you and hope he understands.  You can always suggest getting together with him and his new wife for dinner at some point after the wedding and see if he accepts. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 25, 2017 at 1:15pm
The book is called "Option B" and after listening to this woman, I will be buying this book.
Comment by Mary. Jane on June 25, 2017 at 1:13pm
Ok this is a RIGHT NOW suggestion...if you have the OWN channel (Oprah) watch it now! It's about dealing with a death of a spouse, a lady named Sheryl Sandburg discusses her book on how she dealt with the death of her husband. So far it is EXCELLENT! I am going to check out to see if her book is available. She is the COO of Facebook...
Comment by Marsha H on June 24, 2017 at 3:10pm

Dear Mary-Jane  ...  Thank you so much for your advice.  I am bad for feeling guilty and I do wish the couple all the happiness they can handle.  I just don't want to put myself through more stress.  I know even now after 6 years of Ernie's passing that the things we once enjoyed are just not enjoyable any longer and when you're struggling through alone with something such as this wedding of people that don't even bother to keep in touch it's a double whammy.  I do have fond memories of Ernie and I, but because we said out 25th wedding anniversary vows at the very same place this just makes me sadder.  In my mind, he should be there!  In reality I know it's not possible.

I sure hope you are feeling much better Mary.Jane and have some days of peace.  I think of you often as I do others. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 24, 2017 at 1:40pm
DeR Marsha...I think you've answered your own question whether to go or not.
In my opinion, you shouldn't,t give this a second thought. You've given more reasons NOT to go...then attend...so the heck with them..send them a card and call a girlfriend, and take yourself out to a nice dinner that day, instead of beating yourself up. These folks are not worth the stress and pain they are causing you.You are a good lady, and don,t deserve all of this drama.. so let it go, and get on with your life, and DO NOT feel guilty about it.
 

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