Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 3 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by denise. Last reply by Sara Murphy Oct 10.
Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25.
Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by Deb S Sep 24.
Sara ... It was wonderful to see your post and I missed you!
Dear Big brother Steve ... Thank you for the compliment and I do my best. For some, seeing their loved one that doesn't look peaceful after they pass away it's a shock and leads them to believe their loved one passed away fearful and in pain. I blame the medical staff because nurses see death all the time and should explain to the living spouse why this is so that they will have some peace.
Even in comas the loved one can hear and that's why they suggest to the spouse, family and friends to talk as if that person were awake. I had a male friend who was in a coma for 8 months and all of us just talked to him normally, played some of his favorite music and eventually when he came out of the coma he told us he heard everything. Of course Mark heard you very clearly. I did give Ernie permission to pass on and as you know it's the hardest thing we had to do. You want them to stay, but don't want to be selfish so 'when you love someone set them free.'
I am so sorry about your sister's passing, but, the death process starts days before they actually pass and they seem to accept it with peace. I am so glad you both could say how much you loved each other. It's true and I do believe that when our spouses passed that someone close to them comes to them softly and when it's time 'guides them home.' I know when Ernie was close to death we said our goodbyes and I told him not to be afraid. He looked peaceful after that and seemed to drift into a world of his own (preparation of passing away.) Their business is finished here on earth and they can pass on to have another life without pain, I do believe deep in my heart they stay around us in spirit to give us strength through the grieving process and once we have strength to move on the visits become less and we are left with memories. I still talk to Ernie, say goodnight to him and I sure wish he was here most of the time.
Your post to Mary.Jane was with love and caring and the truth of this journey of grief we all must go through. It was encouraging and peaceful. We just didn't drop on earth and were created and we are born, live and pass away. It's the circle of life. It may not be fair and there are always so many questions we may never get answers too, but like you I've learned to take many wise things Ernie said to me and go forward with love to help others. Each one of us whether new to grief or awhile into grief carry that torch and we help each other get through it.
Lots of love my dear brother
Marsha, you have such a calming way of putting things into perspective, as I watched Mark pass on his expression was one of someone asleep, his eyes were closed and the noise of his breathing just stopped. I found great comfort this morning reading about how hearing is the last sensory our beloved has when moving on. That means that he heard me asking him to stay and not leave me alone and possibly heard me when I gave in to his passing admitting out loud to myself that he was no longer suffering and in pain.
Your post also brought me back to my sister’s passing, she was under in-home hospice care and a few days before she passed while I was sitting by her side, I looked at her and with tears streaming down my cheeks I said to her “I don’t know what to say”, she reached over and grabbed my hand and said, “I know, I love you too”. Silence filled the room again as I sat there and cried, she then shared with me; “I will be fine and so will you, I saw our mother last night standing at the foot of my bed smiling down at me, she looked exactly as I remembered her, and now I am not afraid of dying, I am ready, I know everyone I love will be just fine, then she fell back to sleep. I sat there for a time and as I sat there I became calm and a peace came over me that is hard to put into mere words. I have that memory, one that I visit often, especially those days I feel down and wishing Mark was still here.
Mary Jane, I believe that there are more things in this life and the hereafter that we have no clue about than there are points of light in the evening night. I embrace the thought that energy is not something that goes away or dies out, it is however, for lack of a better description, recycled/renewed into something more wondrous far beyond our understanding. Just as in grief, we move forward at our own pace and we gain understanding and purpose that is tailored for each of us. I have studied various religions and the one thread they all share is “Love” and a request that we treat others with the same love we enjoy with those around us. Coming to Legacy for me is my way of sharing my love with all of you, and in doing so I am finding out that I can have compassion and love for strangers that I find along the way down my path. When I found Legacy, it too was by accident (or was it), I too felt worse sometimes when I would read and respond to posts. For me, I found my grief was drilling down into my soul and letting me grieve for all those in my family I was close too. As a young man, I had chosen not to allow myself to grieve; eventually, all those feelings surfaced and I began to address them and still do even today. So, my dear friend your feelings are normal, having doubts, feeling bad reading posts, second guessing, all normal. I for one, find your posts most uplifting and think of you as an awesome person and good friend. Sending you many hugs today, just because I can and because you need a few…:>)
Mary Jane, I to can feel really sad when reading the stories of other people on here. But it is the encouraging replies that keep me coming back and raise my spirits.
Melanie started having seizures the 23rd of October and was unable to communicate after that. We could tell the end was near so family was gathered at our house. at roughly 10:30 PM the 27th she yelled out 'let's have a party' We looked at each other and didn't know what to think. two hours later she spoke her last words 'Happy birthday' it was the 28th and our middle son's 18th birthday. Needless to say we were all in shock when we realized what time it was.She had spent 5 days without communicating with us but came back enough to wish her son happy birthday.
When her heart stopped her expression didn't change. I know she was watching us those last days.
On another note my son and I had a good time and we both can't wait until we can see each other again.
Hello again my Legacy family. I've been going through withdrawals. Something happened with my hard drive and I haven't been able to access any websites in a week. I especially missed Legacy as my family here are the only people who understand so I'm glad to be back. I haven't had a chance to read and catch up but I will soon. Just know I've been thinking about all of you.
Dear Mary.Jane ... I had tears in my eyes just knowing you had kept this sad vision of Bob's death hidden in your heart. I am so glad you just finally came out with it. I have been with 3 different people (one of course being Ernie) waiting for death and then being there after death and I've learned from experience and asking doctors that each death can be different as far as facial expressions and whether they want to die alone or with family surrounding them. Some people who suffer a heart attack can have eyes wide open and mouth open as if in shock, but it's the sudden instant of the heart stopping.
Medically put, when a loved one passes away they can either look peaceful (never saw a smile yet on the deaths I've experienced, just a look of peace and one with a grimace on their face.) What happens when final death comes is the eyelids and then the jaw dropping. Some loved ones who pass away may have their eyes closed; half open (Ernie did) or wide-eyed as if they've seen something frightening, but it isn't true! Once the heart stops pumping the muscles begin to contract and thus, facial muscles become slack leaving some loved ones looking like they died in agony. Believe me Bob was not in pain and oh yes, his brother Warren was there to guide him HOME! Ernie saw two people; his grandmother and his mother 2 weeks before he passed away. Ernie also was afraid of death. I also want to tell you that while our loved ones are dying that they can hear! That is the last of the 5 senses to go. Also, studies have proven from data taken in some hospitals and hospices that often the person who is in a dream-like state just before death is well aware of who is around them. Many dying patients actually wait for their loved one to leave the room while others want to have loved ones around them. Death is a private journey just as our grief is. Bob chose to pass away while you were gone and it's more common than you think. Ernie did the same thing to me by not wanting me to stay at Hospice that night and he was gone by 6:30 AM the next morning. I felt shock, cheated I wasn't there and as I held him his forehead was cold, his eyes half closed and life gone from his eyes. His jaw had dropped as well. He just didn't look like my precious Ernie.
Medically, I could go on and on to prove to you that your Bob passed away peacefully and it's just the heart stops, the flow of blood stops and muscles become constricted slowly throughout the body, but, it's too depressing for others as is. It is very normal in your grief to reflect back on how things were before and after Bob passed away. It's part of healing although you may not think so. Death isn't something to fear and I believe when we die 'We go home!' Also, there are loved ones to guide us to where we are to go. So my dear friend take pleasure in the fact that Bob went peacefully, he was guided 'home.' He no longer suffers or is any pain. I do believe also you'll see him again.
It is also common in raw grief to come to Legacy and express yourself to members, but then find it can make you feel worse reading other's posts at times, but once rested and through that part of grief most come back until they feel stronger and then they fly away to renew their new lives. Some still come back such as myself, just to help others, while others continue on in their new journey. You have my email so please, anytime you need to talk just hit the keyboard and send me an email.
Love & Hugs
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