Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

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Comment by Deb S on July 24, 2017 at 3:31pm

Mary Jane, I am so excited for you and your daughter. I hope that you love the outer banks as much as I do. It is a wonderful spot. What town are you staying in?  Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 24, 2017 at 1:02pm
I really need new glasses..OUTER BANKS...not PUTER banks
Comment by Mary. Jane on July 24, 2017 at 1:01pm
First of all, thank you everyone for the awesome words...NOW! you are not going to BELIEVE THIS....
We have never been there and are spending a bit over a week at various places there!!!!!
It is osmewhere I have always been interesting in going to...but it wasn,t till I figured I would NEVER be able to do the only thing on my BUCKET list, which was to see the Aurora Borealis...(Finacially and unpredictability big factors) the outer banks popped into both our heads. We have our flights, our hotels,
and everything booked already! In October. Hopefully that is a good time? I am supposed to be excersizing my legs now to strengthen them to walk a lot...and we are both excited.
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 24, 2017 at 11:51am

Dear Marsha,

Thank you for your lovely wishes - I was new here and quite unsure of what to expect when you became one of the first to reach out to me with such compassion and support that I knew I had been led to the right place. You have unwaveringly been here for me, and for everyone here in this family, as you continue to do today. I have always treated plants as though they have feelings - and your research proves that. There is something to be learned from everything and every person around us I believe, if we only turn down the noise of our day-to-day lives  and take the time to listen and observe.

I always think of you, and am praying that your sciatica is improving and not keeping you down - somehow you impress me as a lady who does not enjoy being stationary for long! Wishing you a peaceful day, and picturing you working in your garden chatting away with your green friends like I do!



Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 24, 2017 at 10:35am

Dear Mary Jane,

Thank you so much for your kindness in describing my writing. When everything in my life turned upside down and inside out two years ago, one of the things many people close to me were most worried about was the way I would react to all the tragedy and sadness hitting me when I had at the same time lost my one creative outlet for expressing myself - my ability to paint. In the ensuing years, mostly through joining Legacy, I have found writing to be a healing and positive way to connect with not only other people, but with my own innermost fears and emotions. That my efforts and sharing have  been appreciated and helpful to my family here has made me truly believe that God has not left me adrift creatively speaking, but has guided me to an artistic outlet that uses language rather than least for now. 

Thank you also for the invitation - Dallas being close enough to take you up on it makes me smile! I actually am quite the "country mouse" at heart, and moving to the big bad city seems completely incongruous to some of my friends. I, on the other hand, feel that the path God has placed my feet on is, and has been all along, leading me where I am meant to be - a place where i will be useful, and wanted, and most especially, no longer alone. My eyes fill with tears as I write that last, because I did not expect to ever think or feel this way again as long as I live.

I guess it sounds like a cliche, but to you, and to all my dear family here, all I can say is that if it could happen to me - to actually find myself healing from the torn broken thing I was and looking for a way to be of service in this world once more - then please believe me that it is possible for us all.

Have a peaceful day my friend, and keep that guest room ready - I would so much like to give you a hug in person and thank you for everything you have done, and continue to do for all your family here.



Comment by Deb S on July 24, 2017 at 9:35am

Steve, Thank you so much for the endorsement of the Outer Banks! I am already referring to the area as one on "beach time". They are on a different time schedule and I love it!

I'm checking out two types of homes. One is small and cozy and encircled by trees. There isn't much of a view but it is only 3 lots from the ocean. It has never been rented which is a plus but needs updating which could be a plus or minus. My other option is oceanfront . . . the view!!! Yet, that choice might challenge my budget. I have a lot of reflection in my future as I make some decisions.

I agree with you. Bob is by my side as I make these life decisions. I can feel him smiling over me. It seems every beach house has a name. My thoughts go to "What About Bob?". It is a favorite movie. Every morning I greeted him with some of the first lines uttered by Bill Murray: "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful." I now greet myself and Bob with those words every morning.

I look forward to hearing more about your upcoming adventures and remain so excited for you and Chuck. Love, Debbie

Comment by Deb S on July 24, 2017 at 9:29am

Chuck, Thank you dear friend for the vote of confidence. I appreciate your support.

I'm doing my research and learning a lot about flood zones, flood insurance, beach erosion, etc. My cousins are on my side and are incredibly supportive. They've lived there for 12 years and I will rely on them to help me make decisions. My plan is to purchase a second house and spend half of the year there. I received financing on Friday. This was the day two years ago when I was sitting vigil with Bob after making the impossible decision to remove life support. It felt like an omen. I had no idea if I could qualify for anything without Bob's added income. However, I've worked hard the last two years and was numb when I received the approval. It was a very happy numb.

I'm narrowing choices and plan to visit soon to check out the area in more detail. Thanks for joining me on my journey. You rock!  Love, Debbie

Comment by Steve on July 24, 2017 at 8:39am

Mary Jane,

Who knows what will happen, Tulsa is not that far from the Dallas/Ft Worth area, once we are settled, I see several road trips in store for Chuck and me.  Texas is big and there is so much of the state I did not take time to get out to see.  Having a friend in Oklahoma could very well be one of those road trips...

Thank you for the invite,

Love Steve

Comment by Steve on July 24, 2017 at 8:31am

Dear Deb,

The outer banks is the most awesome part on the east coast.  I fell head over heels in love with them the very first trip I took to them.  Each island is different and there is something to see at each turn, plus you have access to some of the most laid back and resilient people I have ever had the opportunity to meet.  I am partial to ocean living having grown up in Florida, I say go for it, the ocean has a way of calming and healing.  When I visit my family in Jacksonville, Fl, I make a trip to the beach and sit in the sand and gaze out at the horizon, it always brings me back into focus and I leave rested and renewed.  My sweet Bella loved the ocean too, she was never ready to leave and she would sit right next to me and stare out at the waves and sea gulls.

Hope you send us pictures of your new found life

Love Steve

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 24, 2017 at 8:29am
Dear Debbie,

I have been thinking of you much of late, and was so happy to see you again posting. I'm glad my response resonated with you, because you too are starting to send out new shoots into the world. That makes me very happy, and as Martha Stewart says, is a good thing! I understand your children worrying about the added stress a new house may bring - but as you know, they are unaware of how much stress just sitting alone with our grief and doing nothing creates. Indeed, making plans and keeping on top of everything until you have your beach home will be exhausting - but what's the alternative? Playing solitare while watching old movies on TV? No my friend, I say go for the chance to live out something you and Bob dreamed about, knowing he will be beaming at your resilience and determination...and when you get tired, just sit on the porch with a cool drink and invite us all to hear about all your plans and arrangements. I for one will be anxiously looking forward to hearing them! In return, I will regale you with all the crazy things I'm doing as I run around like a loony version of Lucille Ball trying to pack things for moving!


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