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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by Russ Macaluso 4 hours ago. 32 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 4, 2017 at 11:14am

Dear Trina,

For you and Joseph today...

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M5YeZIg71U

Love and prayers always,

Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 3, 2017 at 2:21pm

Trina.....I wish I could give you a big hug.  I also wish I could say something helpful but since I feel as you do, I can't say anything that I don't believe in for myself.   In fact, it helps me to see you post this as it makes me feel like I'm not the only one feeling this way.  For me, it's been 18.5 months since I lost my soul mate.  The way I view it, my life ended on 1/13/16 and my existence began.   Like you, I count down the days until I can be with Ken again.  I view him as my future as reuniting with him is my end game.  Until then, I just make the best of it by filling up the time with work and the occasional outing with friends.  I hope you'll find some help/hope in Marsha's post. 

Big hugs to you.

Sara

Comment by Marsha H on August 3, 2017 at 3:19am

Dearest Trina ...  Your post brought tears to my eyes, yet I have to tell you that even after 3 years this is part of grief (chapters like in a book.)  No one will ever replace your dear Joseph anymore than someone will replace my Ernie, but now, you are actually facing reality and even though it makes you feel emotionless, empty inside or interest in life and walking through your life like a ghost those are all normal feelings and I went through it and there are still times after 6 1/2 years I can have a few days of it again.  Believe it or not Trina, this is the very beginning of a turning point in your life and that's getting to know yourself all over again.  I figure out the puzzle to this and it's reaching back in time to who we were before we met our loving spouses.  We had emotions, found a little love, but not as deep as we had with our spouses, had fun with family and friends or coworkers.  We had purpose, youth and all was well with the world.  When Joseph and Ernie came into our world it was like meeting someone that we'd known all our lives and everything seemed so right and it was.  The most important thing to remember hon is the fact that Joseph and Ernie with all their wisdom, love, devotion, intelligence passed that onto us and instead of suppressing what we learned we need to carry that torch for them and enrich other's lives.  For now you will think there is no future for yourself, but please trust in me that there is.  I found working with others to help them as well as adopting deserted dogs out to better homes made me a better person.  I saw things in people that were so sad and even through the pain of losing Ernie, I found that there was so many people with many other problems almost in comparison and so I help where I can.  I get in touch with nature for a good reason and that is to remind me to relax, enjoy the wonders of nature and finds some peace in my life.  You are getting there Trina even though I'm sure you feel like giving up.  Never give up!

Take time out alone and be honest with yourself and ask yourself what Joseph would want you to do with your life and you will get an answer and then you have to work at it.  No, this Chapter in our lives is not an easy one, but it is attainable.  When your time comes and you meet Joseph I'm sure he will be very proud of you. 

Here is a big hug from me to you my dear friend.

Marsha

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 3, 2017 at 2:41am
Dear All,
For the past several months I haven't been posting much even though I read your posts regularly. Recently, there has been a change in me. It will be three years tomorrow, August 4th that the love of my life Joseph left this world. Now, instead of feeling the deep pain, I feel like a zombie, like a living dead. I no longer have/feel any strong feelings or emotions, I just feel empty inside, someone who lacks all interest in life, all desires and wishes. Not a person, really, only a ghost of my former self, a far echo of someone who I used to be when I had my wonderfully handsome, witty, generous, loving and giving, highly intelligent, and adoring husband by my side. What Joseph gave me and what I had with him is never to be attained again. I just go on living, surviving really, because there is not much I can do. I just count the days and years until the day I will see Joseph again and be reunited with him.
Wishing you all peace. -- Trina
Comment by Marsha H on August 1, 2017 at 3:26am

Mary.Jane ...  Thank you for the nice compliments and I do appreciate them.  All of you treat me so well so it's very easy to feel everyone's pain or any other problems they may having with making decisions in their lives.  I am helped more than you will ever know by ALL the posts on here and it keeps me glued together.

I hope and pray you are having more peaceful days.

Comment by DJ on July 31, 2017 at 12:28pm
Sandfly; my soulmate died 2014Feb, 11 months after diagnosis of brain cancer. I was still in a fog a year later, and perhaps rather dazed even now... I stumbled on a blog that describes the anticipation, with a thought on what one might do, and more ideas in its comments: https://www.secondfirsts.com/2014/05/dont-get-on-the-anniversary-tr...
I must admit that I wound up on that train the first year, but I've managed to avoid it since. I've focussed as best I can on remembering the happy moments - which are popping up a bit more often now than the dreadful ones. Lean on the angels here.
Comment by Mary. Jane on July 30, 2017 at 4:28pm
Umm,Marsha? I know they are just as happy to have a sister like you. You are always so supportive and kind and helpful. Sometimes I think you are like the Mom who helps hold us up...and this place wouldn't be the same without you, and your heartfelt advice and shared experiences. You GO girl!!
Comment by Marsha H on July 30, 2017 at 3:40am

Dear Chuck ...  You are too kind to me and I do appreciate your compliments, but it was a wonderful day I met you (then Steve) even though it was unfortunate to be on a grief forum.  Now I have 2 brothers who I hold dear to my heart

I have a new Sports Physiotherapist Anita who is awesome and my Sciatica is getting better all the time and yes, I'm back to talking to my plants helping them to grow in these uncertain weather patterns.

Take care my dear friend.

Love

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 29, 2017 at 9:43pm
Dear Sandfly
My situation is very similar to yours...BOb and I wereveach others life. ALthough we have one daughter, we moved from San Francisco California to Oklahoma 13 years ago..leaving behind our daughter and friends and family...his sister, and HER daughter had moved here years ago, so he thought it would be nice when we retired...BOb was my world. We were isolated from
Most people, as we were enough for each other..and went to visit our daughter at least once a year..or she came here...never dreaming he would die.
You see...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE! So I am stuck in the middle of a Tulsa suburb, in a big house, and I can,t even get groceries, or anything else without help. It's me and my cat...and my daughter flies out every few months. Yes, Bobs sister, and my niece and her family live 45 minutes away..but that is it...
When the anniversary of Bobs death arrived, in FEb, I wanted to honor him in some way, like you want to for Ken...we never had a funeral, or memorial service..we just took his ashes home...so this Feb, my daughter flew out, and we had a tiny memorial. We invited Bobs sister, niece and her family, and a few neighbors over. We had prepared food, and Melinda and I went through pictures, and she made a montage on her computer, and played them on our TV. I had pictures of his life, from baby to pictures taken in the hospital before he died...and had his ashes sitting on a tiny table near the picture show on TV...so I understand you wanting to remember him...and do SOMETHING in his honor. There were only 12 people here, but it was SOMETHING, and it was actually nice to see his life and talk about him. Maybe something like that would be an option?
Or, you could do what I did when our 50th anniversary came..I had a stiff drink, a box of Cheryl's cookies, and I wrote in my journal..and it was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I gave myself permission to GREIVE, and cry and scream, and purge, but it was ok. I think Marsha and the others were right..when the time actually comes, it might be loot better than the stress leading up to it.
AND....WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!! On that day, if you want, you can post your little heart out here, and we can be here to respond and support you the entire day..because we understand what it is like to be left behind. God bless you..it will be tough, but you will get through it, I promise.
Comment by Marsha H on July 29, 2017 at 9:11pm

Dear Sandfly ...  We all know how you feel on a first anniversary of a spouse's demise and yes, it's one tough day for each one of us, but does get a little better as time goes by.

I too have no children, retired and a very small immediate family I only see on/off.  I know just how lonely it can be for you.  As far as friends I did go through the same thing and I suppose they may feel we need to be alone on that special day thinking about our spouses. 

You may at times feel you're going crazy or going to fall apart, but short of tears and memories of your spouse and the shock they are no longer with you, you will NEVER fall apart nor will you go crazy. 

If you have a very close and loyal friend call them up and ask them if they would like to go for dinner or a drink so you are at least occupied.  If this is not possible then what I do on Ernie's and my anniversary is buy a helium balloon and write love notes on it; take it to our favorite spot and let it loose to fly to the heavens in hopes he'll catch it.  Although I can still cry doing this after over 6 years it's a good cry and I don't feel so deeply in heartache as I once did.  It is true that time does calm things down, but we all know we'll never forget our dear hearts. 

We're here for you Sandfly and I'm on late (live in B.C., Canada) so if you want to talk just vent and I'll answer.

Know we are all thinking of you so you're truly not alone.

Big Hugs

Marsha

 

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