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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Mary. Jane on July 29, 2017 at 9:43pm
Dear Sandfly
My situation is very similar to yours...BOb and I wereveach others life. ALthough we have one daughter, we moved from San Francisco California to Oklahoma 13 years ago..leaving behind our daughter and friends and family...his sister, and HER daughter had moved here years ago, so he thought it would be nice when we retired...BOb was my world. We were isolated from
Most people, as we were enough for each other..and went to visit our daughter at least once a year..or she came here...never dreaming he would die.
You see...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE! So I am stuck in the middle of a Tulsa suburb, in a big house, and I can,t even get groceries, or anything else without help. It's me and my cat...and my daughter flies out every few months. Yes, Bobs sister, and my niece and her family live 45 minutes away..but that is it...
When the anniversary of Bobs death arrived, in FEb, I wanted to honor him in some way, like you want to for Ken...we never had a funeral, or memorial service..we just took his ashes home...so this Feb, my daughter flew out, and we had a tiny memorial. We invited Bobs sister, niece and her family, and a few neighbors over. We had prepared food, and Melinda and I went through pictures, and she made a montage on her computer, and played them on our TV. I had pictures of his life, from baby to pictures taken in the hospital before he died...and had his ashes sitting on a tiny table near the picture show on TV...so I understand you wanting to remember him...and do SOMETHING in his honor. There were only 12 people here, but it was SOMETHING, and it was actually nice to see his life and talk about him. Maybe something like that would be an option?
Or, you could do what I did when our 50th anniversary came..I had a stiff drink, a box of Cheryl's cookies, and I wrote in my journal..and it was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I gave myself permission to GREIVE, and cry and scream, and purge, but it was ok. I think Marsha and the others were right..when the time actually comes, it might be loot better than the stress leading up to it.
AND....WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!! On that day, if you want, you can post your little heart out here, and we can be here to respond and support you the entire day..because we understand what it is like to be left behind. God bless you..it will be tough, but you will get through it, I promise.
Comment by Marsha H on July 29, 2017 at 9:11pm

Dear Sandfly ...  We all know how you feel on a first anniversary of a spouse's demise and yes, it's one tough day for each one of us, but does get a little better as time goes by.

I too have no children, retired and a very small immediate family I only see on/off.  I know just how lonely it can be for you.  As far as friends I did go through the same thing and I suppose they may feel we need to be alone on that special day thinking about our spouses. 

You may at times feel you're going crazy or going to fall apart, but short of tears and memories of your spouse and the shock they are no longer with you, you will NEVER fall apart nor will you go crazy. 

If you have a very close and loyal friend call them up and ask them if they would like to go for dinner or a drink so you are at least occupied.  If this is not possible then what I do on Ernie's and my anniversary is buy a helium balloon and write love notes on it; take it to our favorite spot and let it loose to fly to the heavens in hopes he'll catch it.  Although I can still cry doing this after over 6 years it's a good cry and I don't feel so deeply in heartache as I once did.  It is true that time does calm things down, but we all know we'll never forget our dear hearts. 

We're here for you Sandfly and I'm on late (live in B.C., Canada) so if you want to talk just vent and I'll answer.

Know we are all thinking of you so you're truly not alone.

Big Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Deb S on July 29, 2017 at 7:15pm

Michelle, I am glad that you know what will most bring you comfort on the anniversary of the loss of your husband. I am so sorry for your loss. You will also be remain my thoughts and prayers. Debbie

Comment by Deb S on July 29, 2017 at 7:11pm

Sandfly, You are approaching the anniversary with a great state of mind. I found that the days before the actual date were more difficult for me than the actual anniversary. I spent a lot of time during those days reliving events that occurred the year before. Please choose to do whatever you need to do on the actual day. If you need to grieve and further process your loss, please take the time to do it. I just experienced the second year anniversary of my husband's passing. I and opted to celebrate. I went to one of our old haunts and toasted him with a glass of wine. I then enjoyed a great seafood dinner at a newly opened seafood restaurant that he would have loved.

Please know that I will be thinking of you and sending my strength. Please update about how you choose to spend your day.  Debbie

Comment by MicheleRedman on July 29, 2017 at 7:07pm

Sandfly, so sorry for your loss.  We have a lot in common.  My husband also passed in August 2016.  I also live alone and have two sisters.  He was my soulmate for 34 years, like yours my whole life.  I think on his day of passing I will light candles and pray as that gives me some comfort.  I hope you can find something to give you comfort and honor his memory.  

Comment by Sandfly on July 29, 2017 at 6:35pm

Hello everyone, I am dreading the first anniversary. My husband died August 2016. Still stunned as I am writing these words. I live alone and have no family nearby, my side of the family all lives in Europe,his two sisters are closer but still quite a trip. David was my whole family for 32 years, we never had children. Have no idea f what to do on this day. A few months ago a brought up the discussion with his sisters about doing something special, I also mentioned it to friends.I have to say no one really said anything much.David did not like fuss but I just want people TO REMEMBER HIM. I have taken the day off work I am so scared I will just fall apart. I don't know what to do.

Comment by Deb S on July 26, 2017 at 4:38pm

Mary Jane, It sounds like a great visit! The weather should be pleasant in October and not nearly as hot as it is now. I can't wait to hear all about your adventures.  Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 26, 2017 at 1:22pm
Ok, here's more...we r also staying in Kill Devil Hill, where the pirates were...I am SOOOOOO excited..yes, I traded seeing the Aurora for seeing wild horses...but that is cool...some day I will tell y'all about the most beautiful thing BOb and I ever saw on a road trip...what is the weather like there in October? I am hoping it's cold LOL as I HATE hot weather.
Comment by Mary. Jane on July 26, 2017 at 1:07pm
DEB...I ,a not exactly sure of the itinerary...but we are staying in Carrolla for 2 nights, and will be seeing the wild horses, and taking a ferry somewhere, and crossing back to see the Edgar Cayce research museum...I am missing a few other nights...
Comment by Sara Murphy on July 25, 2017 at 8:59am

Mary Jane....I accepted your friend invite.  You can message me with your book suggestions. 

 

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