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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1330
Latest Conversations: 3 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by Russ Macaluso 4 hours ago. 32 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Deb S on July 24, 2017 at 7:39am

Mary Jane, I wish I lived closer to everyone here. That would be awesome!  Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 23, 2017 at 11:00pm
Ok, the reason there are so many errors in my posts here, is I use my IPad and the area I type in is about the size of a postage stamp...and although my eye glasses r only a year old, I can,t see diddly squat so I would like this to be an apology for all prior and future errors in punctuation, spelling and just plain weird use of the English language. That is it..carry on, kids.
Comment by Mary. Jane on July 23, 2017 at 10:55pm
I honestly think, Chuck, you could write a book...about the journey both you and STever are on. Your writing is exceptional, and you are able to weave a story every time you post.seriously, I would print out all you have written here, and possibly create a book. I know I would buy it. I think it would b beautiful. BTW! When you sell your house, are you and Steve going back to Dallas? I a, only about five hours from Dallas...and I have a guest bedroom...the invitation is always open. I must warn you, that Tulsa isn,t the most urban area..but you are welcome any time.
Comment by Marsha H on July 23, 2017 at 4:09pm

Dear Chuck ...  In each endeavor you take on you always make such an interesting story of it full of wisdom.  I believe that wind came up for a reason and the plant lost branches for a reason ...  time to divide and separate the plants so the roots can become healthy and reach out to go on in life.  I read about auras for a lengthily time in the past and plants indeed do have feelings.  I was astonished to find out that piece of good information. 

I know it must be difficult for you to have so many changes come into you life and also leave your old life behind.  You are strong, you're going to make it and I know you will have a wonderful life full of peace and much needed joy.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 23, 2017 at 3:47pm

Hello All,

Thank you to Sara, Michael, and Debbie for your supportive comments about my piece regarding packing boxes to move. I guess I just didn't see it coming - how in the midst of doing things that would move my life with Steve forward there would be so many emotional landmines to step on. I'm trying to do only as much as I feel comfortable with, then putting it aside to focus on things like cooking or laundry.

Two years ago I returned from the hospital to this empty house and found a lovely  plant arrangement sent in sympathy for Larry's loss. I have managed to keep it alive this long, but it has outgrown the container and badly needed re-potting. Yesterday a storm blew it off the table on the porch, breaking off some of the branches and leaves, so this morning I carefully separated the plants trying to do as little damage to the individual root systems as possible. At one point I thought "How silly - just toss it...you're moving anyway!" But friends, this simple plant became a symbol of my own survival, as it weathered two hot summers outside and two cold winters indoors. Somehow I felt I owed it all the help I could give to keep it going, even though it was being "torn apart", each plant now on it's own with room to grow by itself. Seems a fitting metaphor for how we all have been separated from our loved ones, our own roots damaged and torn - but still here, and still struggling to survive and possibly even grow and thrive.

My wish for each of us here is just that - to heal enough to extend new roots out into the world and find the strength to reach for the sun once more. Peace to you all, and as always, much love...

Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on July 23, 2017 at 3:46pm

My dear Deb S ...  I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, but have been dealing with a few family health issues. 

My heart went out to you as you recalled the long wait Bob's struggle and then his death.  I go through the same memories every so often regarding Ernie (6 1/2 years later) and he too was always so healthy and strong and being 6' 6" tall and 225 lbs., I always thought he was the rock and I would go first because I was also 4 years older than he was.  I was in shock that illness crept up on him so fast.  The only difference between your loving Bob and my loving Ernie was we knew the diagnosis 'pancreatic cancer.'  What we didn't seem to realize or want to realize was that it was fatal.  Some people with pancreatic cancer can live for 5 years at a 70% quality of life, but at that time I didn't want Ernie to have to go through that knowing full well every day he was getting closer to death.

I found it difficult to not have control over his pain, to make him better like I had with other more minor health issues like Celiac Disease before succumbing to Pancreatic Cancer.  He would always looks at me as if I could pull magic out of a hat and for several years after his passing I had felt I let him down, but now realize I just don't have control over some things.  So, I, like you feel so blessed that Ernie and I had nearly 40 years of marriage and known each other for 45 years.  He is the love of my life; I talk to him every day and I miss him with all my heart.  I generally keep moving and trying to invent my new lifestyle, but every so often I drift back and have a hard day. 

I pray and wish you the very best my dear friend and already know you're strong and will survive this as I will.  I always feel that our spouses and even ourselves are loaned from God for each other and for that I feel so blessed.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 23, 2017 at 11:38am
SARA?.i sent you a friend request..I want to recommend a book about reincarnation to you, but DIDN,t want to clutter up this forum...
SARA and DEB..it is a shame the two of you didn,t live close to each other. Your stories ARE similar and very heartfelt, and I thank you both for sharing them.
Comment by Deb S on July 21, 2017 at 7:24pm

An update:  Dear friends, I am sorry that I've been absent. I needed time to reflect and regroup and inadvertently distanced myself from friends here and elsewhere.

I was sitting with my unresponsive husband two years ago tonight. I had made the impossible decision to remove life support after it became increasingly clear to me that he was no longer "here". My sweet husband stayed with me so that I could "talk" to him until the next day (July 22, 2015) at 3:29 a.m. My husband was very precise - I could not say It was at 3:30 a.m. - it wouldn't suit him.

The doctors predicted that he would likely pass before 7:30 p.m. On occasion, I looked at the clock in the room. I thanked him for staying with me at about 10:00 p.m. We were married on 8/22/92. We celebrated our anniversaries monthly. I gratefully realized that he was going to stay with me so that we could celebrate our 22 year and 11 month anniversary. Wow.

Today has been a good day. I am thinking of buying a second home at the beach. I heard from my lender today and qualify for a loan. I am still numb. I now know my financial parameters and am actively searching for a beach house. I continue to talk with Bob and discussed this idea with him. He wants me to be happy and told me to go for it! 

I have family in this area (Bob's cousin and his wife). I called our cousin this evening. First, I thanked him for dropping everything and driving up to support me two years ago today. I then shared my crazy idea. He and his wife are excited and also want it to happen. They invited me to stay with them while I look at property and offered to help me to find the perfect place.

Onward!  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on July 21, 2017 at 5:46pm

Sara, I continue to discover so many commonalities between the two of us. The doctor asked if I wanted a post death medical examination. I asked him if he felt it would help the hospital to have that information. He said no. That made my decision easier.

Today has actually been a good day. I continue to remember only the good times of which there were thousands. I've been smiling all day.

Enjoy your week off in August. That sounds awesome.  Debbie

Comment by Sara Murphy on July 21, 2017 at 2:24pm

Debbie........It seems like Bob and Ken died of a similar reason, infection.  Ken had a kidney transplant.  The kidney was working fine but somehow he contracted Klebsiella, an antibiotic resistant bacteria.  It took the doctors 2 months to put a name to the infection.  The infection was really taking a toll on his liver but ultimately got into his blood stream and he went into cardiac arrest.  Due to his kidney function, they couldn't do a catscan with IV contrast so they were giving him an oral contrast to try to look inside him as best they could to find the infection hoping they could surgically remove the infected area.   He had daily catscans that last week as they were looking at each area individually to find it.  When he died, the lead doctor asked for my permission to do an autopsy.  They want to look inside to see what was going on in the hopes of helping someone else in the future.  Ken had always been about paying it forward so I gave my permission but I didn't ask for the results for myself.  Like you, I feel no good would come of my seeing the results and it wouldn't change anything.  Also like you, Ken will always be the love of my life. 

Take all the time you need to de-stress.  I have a week off in August and am looking forward to doing the same thing.

Sara

 

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