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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1338
Latest Conversations: 36 minutes ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster. Last reply by Sara Murphy 3 hours ago. 16 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Steve on August 20, 2017 at 9:17am

Marsha,

You have been with me from the first day I posted and you still keep me growing.  Your kind words, your simple direct actions and advise challenged me to go looking for the me I forgot so long ago.  We are one big family here and we stay connected, sometimes it is good to step back and just say thank you,

Hugs...

Comment by Steve on August 20, 2017 at 9:12am

Mary Jane,

You dear lady find the most poignant and minutiae details that I would not have thought of, thank you dear sister, you keep me on my toes.  Hugs...

Comment by Steve on August 20, 2017 at 9:05am

Dear Sandfly,

I am approaching my 3rd year loss on November 31st of this year and as Marsha said each year becomes clearer for me, hate to use the word easier.  I started this journey for looking for answers to why did this have to happen to me? what did I do to deserve such an awful fate? what did Mark do to deserve his fate? All said and done, for me, I went back in time thru my memories from childhood to present day.  My life started on April 20th, 1947 and then in September of that same year my Mother died.  All the events from that point in my life to now has yielded clarity for me. 

My first year after Mark's death was everything you described, for me I found that the days leading up to that date were more terrible than the actual day.  I think I was posting and venting almost daily on this site.  I even thought that everyone was tired of hearing from me, I could not have been more wrong.  The love and understanding here brought me to today, my prayer for you is that you too will find solace here among some of the finest people I have ever had the pleasure to call my family.

Your picture was stunning, moving and brought tears, not sad tears, tears of joy.  God bless you dear lady, you are stronger than you think.

Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 20, 2017 at 12:38am

ySandfly I am very new here so I'm probably the last one that should be throwing out encouragement.  I too wake up every morning and my first thought I, What for ...what in the hell am I going to do with my life today". But as negative as this may sound I can't allow this negativity to persist; it will consume me.  So I tell myself the "what for" is to reassure my partner in heaven that I'm okay. Today I was thinking why am I even bothering with this site because words have not helped me in the past.  But the very short time I have been on here I recognize there are people who actually care and maybe for the 1st time since losing my partner they are willing to listen. Lift your chin up for your man and let him know you're going to be damn okay.  Lots of hugs and I'm always here if you need to talk.  Take care...Russ

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 19, 2017 at 8:59pm
Dear Sandfly
ThT is one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. What an amazing tribute to David. I hope you will have a copy of that picture made, and frame it.
What stood out so much for me, was not the hearts, or Davids name..but your footprints in the sand, as you scurried to create this beautiful thing, against the awesome spance of the ocean..it says to me that YOU ARE STILL ALIVE, as tiny and insignificant as the ocean sometimes makes us feel...and you will get through this. It will take time, but your life will change, and David will always be with you, as you venture on. Seriously, this really touched me, and gave me a modem of hope for the future..for all of us who are in so much pain...the days, then weeks, and months will go on, and life will get better, even tho it is hard to vision right now. You will find a new job, and different life, as you carry David in your heart to the future.
Comment by Marsha H on August 19, 2017 at 8:56pm

Dear Sandfly ...  It's been almost 7 years since I lost my Ernie and I know the first year or two are the very worst.  As the years pass they will be forever in our hearts, but the horrific pang of their loss ebbs with the tide.  What you did in memory of David was absolutely beautiful and I'm proud of you for getting out and keeping busy.  I promise, this terrible pain of grief will be a dull roar and at your own pace.  I am just so thankful I had almost 40 years of marriage with Ernie and all the memories along with his laughter, love and patience and all that wisdom he passed onto me.  Our Wedding Anniversary was August 12th and I get a helium balloon and write love messages on it and go to one of our favorite places by the river and kiss the balloon and let it sail into the heavens imagining Ernie is waiting there to grab it.  It gives me peace.

Hang in there Sandfly; what you are going through is very normal and something either many are going through on this forum or have been where you are now. 

Comment by Sandfly on August 19, 2017 at 7:29pm

Hello everyone, the first death anniversary was on 16/8/2017.

The day went by ok as I kept busy. This is what I posted. Now what? Anther year and then another and another without him? 

Unbearable. I am in bed moping waiting for the day to be over so that I can get up and go to a job where I am not needed and feel useless. Sorry about the rant.

My Darling David, one year ago today you died. I miss you so much, it has been the hardest year. I miss your kindness, your unconditional love,your sense of humour, your smile, your angst about newspapers butchering great photos,your loyalty to your friends and family, your love and passion for New Zealand and not to mention your cooking. It feels like 5 minutes ago we were having pizzas and limoncellos in Italy. 
I am so thankful that we had 32 years together but I wanted 32 more. Today I spent some time at the beach with a dear friend and my 'new'dog. I wanted to take a nice picture to mark the day. I am sure you had a few giggles watching us drawing wonky hearts in the sand and perfect ones that immediately got washed away. How we frantically gathered shells to write your name in the sand against the coming tide. Here are the results! 
Love you forever.David%20heart.jpgWe%20miss%20yiu%20David.jpg

Comment by Marsha H on August 19, 2017 at 1:07pm

Dear Russ ...  You are most welcome here and all of us talk about our spouses and how we miss them.  Chuck and Steve are wonderful as are the rest, but you will find on your own on this forum who you have something in common with and can easy message back and forth.  We're all here to help you and believe me you won't regret coming here. 

You hang in there Russ as it does get better.  After 6 1/2 years of losing my Ernie, I have learned many things and although I will always miss him I carry the torch forward of the many wise and wonderful things he taught me in almost 40 years of marriage and knowing him for 45 years.

Big hug (you need one)

Marsha

Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 19, 2017 at 12:04pm

Thank you for your kin words Mary Jane.  Ray and I were together 24 years.  After tw0o very stressful careers; he as a CPA and me as a Vice President of a bank, we almost simultaneously reached a point where we wanted to retire early.  So with that in mind we spent the next seven years getting our ducks in a row and on 7/31/13 we retired. We both looked forward to spending more time with each other and exploring the world.  Unfortunately that is not the way it panned out.  Three weeks after we retired Ray was diagnosed with Lymphoma and although he fought hard for two years, he passed away in June 2015.  He was an amazing man and a true gift from God. Our love was beautiful and although he told me often, "I love you", he really didn't have to because I felt it exuding out of everything he did for me. Even though it's been two years I feel like I'm stuck in a world of grief, sadness and loneliness.  Shortly after Ray passed away someone told me, "Before you can figure out where you want to go; you have to figure where you are". I'm not there yet...I have begun therapy  after telling myself for two years I didn't need it. While my current issue is 90% the 10% sadness and loneliness is as palpable. I would like to love again but I'm not sure that will ever be my reality. N0thing like a long-winded Italian... thanks to all...Hugs

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 19, 2017 at 11:27am
Hi Russ, and welcome. This group has been a life saver for me. I understand the feelings you have of hesitating to talk to family and friends about the pain and loss you are going through..unless they have experienced the death of a loved one, there is a general feeling of "We should be over it by now" or you feel that THEY feel that us talking about if kinda "brings everyone down" which leaves us feeling isolated and not wanting to burden others with "our whining". At least that is how I felt..and still do..but NOT HERE!
Youndon,t mention how long Ray has been gone..my husband of almost 50 years died 18 months ago...but I was kinda ina fog of disbelief until this Spring, when I "Woke up" and realized he was really dead and not coming back..so I started the realistic grieving a few months ago...but by then, friends and family figured enough time had passed, so I should be over my grieving...I hope I am making sense here, as I tend to ramble on and on. LOL
The point I kinda wanna make, is people here understand! You can post anything, and it will be ok..since I "woke up" I have boughts of depression, so I just post things that pop into my head. And they understand, which shells me so much.
So again welcome to Legacy...it has been a life saver for me, and a safe place to share your grief.
 

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