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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1330
Latest Conversations: 3 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by Russ Macaluso 4 hours ago. 32 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on Tuesday
Well, I know that if no one had answered when I first posted, I would have been crushed!
Ok, I have a question. I've started remembering my dreams when I wake up. They all seem to have 2 similar themes...the first one is I spend the entire dream searching for various things..but I never find what I am searching for. The second type dream is, I will be dreaming I am somewhere in a time in my past..like yesterday, I dreamed I was at the place I worked b4 I met Bob...and then I remember I don,t work there, or live there anymore, and then I remember I have already lived my life..and then I remember, that BOb is gone, and sometimes I cry in the dream sometimes I wake up in tears...only ONCE have I spoken to Bob in any dream..but as I write this, I can,t remember what he said..but he was "Playing a little joke on me" cuz he had asked me to do something, like cook dinner, and then, as usual, I remembered, and told him "Wait a minute...I don,t have to cook dinner..you!re dead!" And in the dream, he laughed kindly and said he knew, he was just kidding. That was the only time he ever spoke to me..and of course, I woke up crying. But kinda laughing too,because it WAS humorous, and very kind.
I remember a few months ago, one of the men here had told us about how, after his wife died, he would dream often of holding her. I wish with all my heart I would have such a wonderful dream. Thanks for letting me vent.
Comment by Marsha H on Monday

Mary.Jane ...  You are as always a sweetheart for answering Joanne's post.  I copied it and added it on here so all members could see it.  Our posts will go into her 'in box' and she can click on the link and it will bring her to the right place.

By the way, I got 'I am not a robot' and it's annoying.  I had to click on what pictures had cars in it until there were no more.  So time consuming and it could be an easier verification.  Oh well.  LOL

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on Monday

Joanne ...  We all understand how you feel as some are going through it now while others like myself have had a few years pass since our spouses passed away.  My Ernie passed in 2011 and even though I have gotten somewhat use to him not being here there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of him; he was my friend, my love and I still miss him, but take those baby steps forward.  You are in raw grief now and I do know that gut-wrenching feeling that no one understands and family or friends just don't know what to say and to us sometimes it sounds ignorant or, just out of context.  There isn't anything anyone else who hasn't lost a spouse can say to make us feel better.  Unfortunately, when our spouse passes away we do make other people uncomfortable and it's no fault of our own. 

I have found in the 6 years since Ernie passed away grief is a journey unlike we've ever known and we go through so many emotions.  Some days are a little better than others and eventually with time we gain strength from them and manage to carry that torch for them as they enriched our lives so much. 

When I went to grief counseling I was told that sometimes even family would expect me to be 'over it' in months or a year and good friends that were once enjoying Ernie's and my company would slowly slip away and I was shocked to find that so true.  No one who hasn't experienced the loss of a spouse will ever understand.  I walked around with what some call '2 masks' one to smile when out because it's expected of you and a sad one when I was home alone and had good cries and went over the memories of Ernie.  Joanne, this intense feeling you are going through doesn't last forever.  Hang on tight, cry if you want, get lots of sleep and try to get out as much as possible even if it's just for walks.  This forum is a wonder place to be where we all understand the pain we are all going through and it has helped me far more than going to a grief counseling group.

Please post anytime and just say what is on your mind as no one judges another on here.

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on Monday

Permalink Reply by Joanne Dobrow 22 hours ago

Life goes on around you. Yet you seem to stand still. Most people in my life say you're doing great. It's all a facade. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me and not fit in. Yes, it has been eight months since I lost my husband, my Jack, but there is a hole in my heart that will never heal. Yes, there is a soul mate, a life partner that completes you. I was blessed to have Jack in my life for twenty years and I celebrate that time that we had. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on Monday
Hey kids...there is a new person here..she commented on Chris Sky's thread..so I tried to steal her here, but I don,t think I was very good at it. Her name is Joanne, and am pretty sure she is new here...and I don,t want her to think we ignored her...she lost her husband a few months ago...and she posted almost a day ago...I know how much trouble I had navigating this site when I first came here, and then I found the correct place, and you are all so sweet, I hope she DIDN,t get discouraged.

On a different note, if we all seem unreceptive to Facebook, I am wondering why it is still going to be a possibility? Maybe the members of the other groups liked the idea? Just curious...maybe it will be easier for the executives to monitor? Just curious, and I don,t mean to initiate any problems...
Comment by Sara Murphy on Monday

Steve......that's a good analogy that your friend posted.  I'm glad that he's doing well and I hope that your carpal tunnel and trigger finger can heal without needing surgery.  I also agree with you about not fixing what isn't broken.  I don't want them to ever change Legacy to be more open like Facebook.  I think even a closed FB group can be shared but not positive.

Comment by Steve on Sunday

A few days ago a friend of mine in Dallas posted the below on Facebook along with a video of his willow tree moving with the currents of a gentle breeze; he was diagnosed with throat cancer a few months back and was told that if chemo didn’t shrink the tumor then surgery could not be an option.  He took chemo and it did reduce the size of his tumor, surgery was successful, recovery has been complete and all of his follow up checks are positive affirmation that his cancer is gone for good.  His faith has brought him to this point in his life, he can resume his love for singing with the Turtle Creek Choral, which is not his full time job.  I consider my friendship with him a blessing, just hearing him sing is another blessing.  Just thought that his journey was worth sharing with my friends and family here on Legacy:

 

This is my willow tree. I planted it years ago. 5 years ago it was a beautiful tree that my neighbor said was his favorite tree in our back yards. Then we had two years of exceptional drought. And two years ago the tree looked as if it was dying. It had dead bare limbs and I thought I was going to have to cut it down.  I decided to have all of the dead wood removed and then we have had two years of above normal rainfall. The tree has put out new growth and looks healthy again. It is a pleasure to just sit and watch the long willow branches blow in the wind. We all go through times of "exceptional drought". We all develop dead wood that detracts from our appearance, or performance and it can depress us. Sometimes we just have to cut out the "dead wood" that is weighing us down. In time the rains will come and the drought will be over. New branches can grow into our lives and things can be beautiful again. It is cliché, but dawn follows the night, and spring follows the cold winter. And the good rains will come. Sit and watch the branches blow in the wind.

My thoughts:

Sometimes drought and deadwood is needed to bring us back to life.

Comment by Mary. Jane on Sunday
Steve, I have a good feeling that your hand will be ok. I dunno why, but I don,t think God will let anything else bad happen to you. I wish you well, and please keep us posted.
I have read your post about the tornadoes over and over and find it very comforting. My earlier post was before I took a well needed nap, which helped stop another episode of Epstein Barr which was coming on due to the stress lately.
In a future post, I will tell y'all about something that happened to me right after Bob died, when I was sitting in his chair paralyzed with fear at the tornado warnings..it is kind of unbelievable,but it really did happen...but it's late, so I will wait.Goodnight y'all! Ohhhh BTW,Bobs sister is doing well after surgery, and I was so afraid she was going to die too...but the cancer hadn,t spread, and she is going to b ok.
Comment by Mary. Jane on August 12, 2017 at 3:35pm
Steve that was a lovely post...Marsha thank you too..and BEard...usually I am -
ANAL about homonyms, but that one slipped by me. This is a quick post, as I am having a bad Epstein Barr episode...BOB sister has colon cancer, and between that tornado, and her getting through her operation has made me a basket case for awhile. So I am gonna go have some ice cream and take a nap.
Comment by Marsha H on August 12, 2017 at 2:50pm

Dear Steve ...

I know exactly how you feel about waiting.  Shortly after Ernie passed away I had to go for tests for a health issue and then did have surgery shortly after.  It is certainly the waiting that makes one a train wreck, but when the day came for surgery I was oddly calm.  Now it's 6 1/2 years since Ernie passed away and with the bumpy ride of grief and things just not falling into place for most of us I find that nothing much ruffles my feathers anymore.  I have an attitude of 'oh well, let it be.'  LOL  I know you'll be just fine big brother.

Hugs

Marsha

 

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