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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1346
Latest Conversations: 9 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Steve on August 20, 2017 at 9:05am

Dear Sandfly,

I am approaching my 3rd year loss on November 31st of this year and as Marsha said each year becomes clearer for me, hate to use the word easier.  I started this journey for looking for answers to why did this have to happen to me? what did I do to deserve such an awful fate? what did Mark do to deserve his fate? All said and done, for me, I went back in time thru my memories from childhood to present day.  My life started on April 20th, 1947 and then in September of that same year my Mother died.  All the events from that point in my life to now has yielded clarity for me. 

My first year after Mark's death was everything you described, for me I found that the days leading up to that date were more terrible than the actual day.  I think I was posting and venting almost daily on this site.  I even thought that everyone was tired of hearing from me, I could not have been more wrong.  The love and understanding here brought me to today, my prayer for you is that you too will find solace here among some of the finest people I have ever had the pleasure to call my family.

Your picture was stunning, moving and brought tears, not sad tears, tears of joy.  God bless you dear lady, you are stronger than you think.

Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 20, 2017 at 12:38am

ySandfly I am very new here so I'm probably the last one that should be throwing out encouragement.  I too wake up every morning and my first thought I, What for ...what in the hell am I going to do with my life today". But as negative as this may sound I can't allow this negativity to persist; it will consume me.  So I tell myself the "what for" is to reassure my partner in heaven that I'm okay. Today I was thinking why am I even bothering with this site because words have not helped me in the past.  But the very short time I have been on here I recognize there are people who actually care and maybe for the 1st time since losing my partner they are willing to listen. Lift your chin up for your man and let him know you're going to be damn okay.  Lots of hugs and I'm always here if you need to talk.  Take care...Russ

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 19, 2017 at 8:59pm
Dear Sandfly
ThT is one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. What an amazing tribute to David. I hope you will have a copy of that picture made, and frame it.
What stood out so much for me, was not the hearts, or Davids name..but your footprints in the sand, as you scurried to create this beautiful thing, against the awesome spance of the ocean..it says to me that YOU ARE STILL ALIVE, as tiny and insignificant as the ocean sometimes makes us feel...and you will get through this. It will take time, but your life will change, and David will always be with you, as you venture on. Seriously, this really touched me, and gave me a modem of hope for the future..for all of us who are in so much pain...the days, then weeks, and months will go on, and life will get better, even tho it is hard to vision right now. You will find a new job, and different life, as you carry David in your heart to the future.
Comment by Marsha H on August 19, 2017 at 8:56pm

Dear Sandfly ...  It's been almost 7 years since I lost my Ernie and I know the first year or two are the very worst.  As the years pass they will be forever in our hearts, but the horrific pang of their loss ebbs with the tide.  What you did in memory of David was absolutely beautiful and I'm proud of you for getting out and keeping busy.  I promise, this terrible pain of grief will be a dull roar and at your own pace.  I am just so thankful I had almost 40 years of marriage with Ernie and all the memories along with his laughter, love and patience and all that wisdom he passed onto me.  Our Wedding Anniversary was August 12th and I get a helium balloon and write love messages on it and go to one of our favorite places by the river and kiss the balloon and let it sail into the heavens imagining Ernie is waiting there to grab it.  It gives me peace.

Hang in there Sandfly; what you are going through is very normal and something either many are going through on this forum or have been where you are now. 

Comment by Sandfly on August 19, 2017 at 7:29pm

Hello everyone, the first death anniversary was on 16/8/2017.

The day went by ok as I kept busy. This is what I posted. Now what? Anther year and then another and another without him? 

Unbearable. I am in bed moping waiting for the day to be over so that I can get up and go to a job where I am not needed and feel useless. Sorry about the rant.

My Darling David, one year ago today you died. I miss you so much, it has been the hardest year. I miss your kindness, your unconditional love,your sense of humour, your smile, your angst about newspapers butchering great photos,your loyalty to your friends and family, your love and passion for New Zealand and not to mention your cooking. It feels like 5 minutes ago we were having pizzas and limoncellos in Italy. 
I am so thankful that we had 32 years together but I wanted 32 more. Today I spent some time at the beach with a dear friend and my 'new'dog. I wanted to take a nice picture to mark the day. I am sure you had a few giggles watching us drawing wonky hearts in the sand and perfect ones that immediately got washed away. How we frantically gathered shells to write your name in the sand against the coming tide. Here are the results! 
Love you forever.David%20heart.jpgWe%20miss%20yiu%20David.jpg

Comment by Marsha H on August 19, 2017 at 1:07pm

Dear Russ ...  You are most welcome here and all of us talk about our spouses and how we miss them.  Chuck and Steve are wonderful as are the rest, but you will find on your own on this forum who you have something in common with and can easy message back and forth.  We're all here to help you and believe me you won't regret coming here. 

You hang in there Russ as it does get better.  After 6 1/2 years of losing my Ernie, I have learned many things and although I will always miss him I carry the torch forward of the many wise and wonderful things he taught me in almost 40 years of marriage and knowing him for 45 years.

Big hug (you need one)

Marsha

Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 19, 2017 at 12:04pm

Thank you for your kin words Mary Jane.  Ray and I were together 24 years.  After tw0o very stressful careers; he as a CPA and me as a Vice President of a bank, we almost simultaneously reached a point where we wanted to retire early.  So with that in mind we spent the next seven years getting our ducks in a row and on 7/31/13 we retired. We both looked forward to spending more time with each other and exploring the world.  Unfortunately that is not the way it panned out.  Three weeks after we retired Ray was diagnosed with Lymphoma and although he fought hard for two years, he passed away in June 2015.  He was an amazing man and a true gift from God. Our love was beautiful and although he told me often, "I love you", he really didn't have to because I felt it exuding out of everything he did for me. Even though it's been two years I feel like I'm stuck in a world of grief, sadness and loneliness.  Shortly after Ray passed away someone told me, "Before you can figure out where you want to go; you have to figure where you are". I'm not there yet...I have begun therapy  after telling myself for two years I didn't need it. While my current issue is 90% the 10% sadness and loneliness is as palpable. I would like to love again but I'm not sure that will ever be my reality. N0thing like a long-winded Italian... thanks to all...Hugs

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 19, 2017 at 11:27am
Hi Russ, and welcome. This group has been a life saver for me. I understand the feelings you have of hesitating to talk to family and friends about the pain and loss you are going through..unless they have experienced the death of a loved one, there is a general feeling of "We should be over it by now" or you feel that THEY feel that us talking about if kinda "brings everyone down" which leaves us feeling isolated and not wanting to burden others with "our whining". At least that is how I felt..and still do..but NOT HERE!
Youndon,t mention how long Ray has been gone..my husband of almost 50 years died 18 months ago...but I was kinda ina fog of disbelief until this Spring, when I "Woke up" and realized he was really dead and not coming back..so I started the realistic grieving a few months ago...but by then, friends and family figured enough time had passed, so I should be over my grieving...I hope I am making sense here, as I tend to ramble on and on. LOL
The point I kinda wanna make, is people here understand! You can post anything, and it will be ok..since I "woke up" I have boughts of depression, so I just post things that pop into my head. And they understand, which shells me so much.
So again welcome to Legacy...it has been a life saver for me, and a safe place to share your grief.
Comment by Steve on August 19, 2017 at 7:48am

continued...

Mark had become ill with a genetic neurological disease present in the males of his family.  His symptoms were similar to someone with Parkinson's and these started showing up around 2004 while we were living in Fort Lauderdale, FL.

As time passed, Mark became more dependent on me and I became his caregiver, he could not work and to keep us afloat I had to leave him home each day.  He could care for himself with limitations, these limitations arrived in the form of seizures that would last 30 seconds, but afterwards, he was weak, scared and it drew him down into depression.  This had the residual affect of him not wanting to leave the house.  His last two years were perhaps his worst and as each work day would arrive so would my dread of leaving him alone not knowing if he would suffer one of these seizures or not and if he did he would not tell me, but I could tell once I got home.

So as protection for myself and for him, he and I went out very rarely, he always was happiest when the weekends, holidays or when I took time off from work.  We spent those times becoming closer and closer, just by spending hours talking, watching movies, he liked his electronics so he was always sharing what he found online, the music he liked and downloaded and the many discussion groups he joined.  On the times he felt like getting out we would go to one of the electronic stores and spend hours as he reviewed all the latest technology, sometime we would grab a table in one of the malls and sit watching the crowds go by while he played with his tablet, listened to his music and we both would be sipping on coffee or specialty teas (his favorite shop for tea was Teavana).  Then he would be ready to head home so we could watch movies and just be together.

The day he passed he had had one of his worst seizures the night before and afterwards he had trouble walking or standing up, when I finally got him in bed he fell asleep, I sat up all night (or tried too) keeping watch over him.  I did fall asleep eventually and when I woke up there he was standing in the bathroom brushing his teeth and rubbing his head.  He looked as if he was completely exhausted, as we talked about what had happened, he did not want to got to the emergency room he just wanted to go back to bed and rest and said I should do the same as I looked worse than he felt.  So we went back to bed and I waited until he was asleep before I drifted off.  I woke up because his breathing was very labored and loud.  It was then I realized he was in trouble as I was trying to wake up I watched him take his last breath, the room was suddenly quiet, he was gone, he was free and I was screaming and crying loudly.  This is when all the emotions hit, anger, shock, guilt, loss, loneliness, disbelief and more and more all circling back to recycle again and again.  this is why this site is so important to me, hugs for now, take care Russ and Joanna, come back as you feel comfortable and as needed.

Hugs to all

Steve

Comment by Steve on August 19, 2017 at 7:46am

I too felt as if I was imposing my emotions on friends at work and family members and tried to internalize these thoughts within myself.  I think that is what drove me to find an outlet and so began my search online for grief counseling, support groups or anything I could google about grief.  I literally felt as if I was drowning and loosing my mind at the same time.  At first friends at work listened and even my family listened, but no one was really hearing me or I wasn't communicating my emotions fully.  At the time of Mark's passing we lived in Dallas, TX and my family lives in Jacksonville, FL.  I made a trip home and was expecting everyone to understand the pain of my loss, sadly they did not, they really wanted too but could not.  No one really understands until it happens to you.  My reaction was to pull myself inward and put up walls of protection, this worked for a very short time for me.  I had spent my whole life pushing my emotions down and so isolating myself seemed to be the right choice.  I could not have been more wrong in my life, thank God I found this site.  As I shared my status with everyone I discovered that I was not alone and there were others experiencing what I was struggling with.  Little by little as I opened up, some of the pressure was being released, as I stripped away the layers I found someone I had lost along the way through this life, it was me.  

 

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