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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 24, 2017 at 8:54pm

A warm hug to you tonight Deborah...It happens because of the depth of the love you have for Greg.  Has happened to me for two years and I really think it's going to happen forever.  I was talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago and just like you I wondered why in the strangest places or at the most unexpected times I just cry. My friend and I had a discussion about it and really nothing earth shaking transpired; but late that day I found my mind wandering in that direction. And even as I stared to cry again I thought to myself I can no longer feel these are sad tears, because the sadness wasn't moving me an inch further.  And out of these thoughts I decided that in the future whenever this happens I'm going to say, "I'm crying so happy" ...Crazy huh? Well, that 's probably not a wrong assessment. But I decided to label my tears such because I know that the reason I'm crying is because I loved my partner so much, and the one intangible thing I could sink my teeth into was knowing tat our love was REAL, and that in itself gave me a warm happy feeling. No, that's no major step forward and it doesn't altogether make everything alright, but at those times of tears I now remember our love and not so much the bad things surrounding his sickness and death.  Thoughts and prayers for you tonight my freind and I wish that you too will be crying happy.

Comment by Marsha H on August 24, 2017 at 8:51pm

Deborah ...  because each person in different in their grief I didn't want to tell you ahead of time that it's very common to have a reasonable busy day to distract yourself from missing Greg.  We have our good days and feel not too badly and then a day or two later can feel the complete opposite.  I even got to the point where I was saying, 'who am I doing this for?  Ernie is gone!'  After the shock of the first stages of grief begin to ebb a little (it takes time) then you will find there is a few more days that are at least tolerable for you and on and on it goes.

Just cry all you want, rest, try to sleep and also try to remember you will have some not bad days to continue keeping busy.  As terrible as you feel perhaps try volunteering to get you out of the house.  Oh yes, coming home without Greg being there will be difficult at first, but like many other things in our life it becomes routine and we slowly get use to it believe it or not.

Take care hon and just keep posting.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on August 24, 2017 at 8:37pm

Rough day today, been fighting back tears all say , missing my husband Greg so much .Cant figure out why this happened

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 24, 2017 at 2:18pm

Russ...I'm glad you've started therapy.  I really hope it works for you and please keep us posted.   It's something I've never considered because I would want my therapist to have first hand knowledge of being a widow/widower.  Maybe I'll learn something from your posts.  I too would probably run out of a singles meet after 10 minutes.  Your story did give me a chuckle.  Dating has changed since I got married in 89. 

Comment by Marsha H on August 24, 2017 at 3:35am

Russ ...  Even though you were serious in your post I couldn't help but have a good giggle over you wishing you were a dog as I love dogs and just said to my girlfriend 2 days ago I wished I was a dog!  LOL

I'm 75, but people say I look and act a lot younger, but like you tried some groups and just felt out of place and some of us call it 'the elephant in the room.'  I felt like I was cheating on Ernie at first even though it had been 2 years since he had gone and I sure was out of practice dating.  I only had one date and I had to end that one even though he was a nice man, but seemed in a hurry to have a relationship too soon after his wife had passed away.  I felt terrible.  Since that time I've had men look at me, but no takers and often I'll look in the mirror and pick myself apart of feel I have spinach stuck in my teeth.  LOL  It's true, we are our own worst critics.  Since it's been 6 1/2 years since Ernie passed my niece insists on putting me on a dating site, but I just feel odd about it, but for her sake I'll give it a try.  I bet I'd have better luck looking at a line-up at Sing Sing!  LOL 

See, you taught us something already from your therapy, 'thought leading to feelings leading to behavior.  As the years go by I do feel less attractive no matter who compliments me.  Now I just go about my life, keep myself up and hope for the best.  I am sure you are still good looking Russ so don't put yourself down so much.  I believe there is some sort of future out there for all of us.  Loneliness is the worst of grief. 

I hope you have a better day of it and keep trying my friend.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on August 24, 2017 at 3:25am

Hi Deborah ...  I did exactly what you're doing and did large jobs around my home; kitchen and bathroom and now just starting on cleaning out the garage.  Ugh!  It's good to keep busy and also tires you out so you sleep better. 

No, it's not too early for you to volunteer as I did about 2 months after Ernie passed away.  I volunteer for a dog shelter and help them find homes.  I love it!  It gets me out of the house and keeps me busy one day a week.  I may now even try to find a place to take a writing course as I'm told I'd very good at writing so now I have the time.  If you volunteer and you have an off day you can take any time off you need.  This is great because if you feel like going back to work full-time or even part-time this will certainly help you to get out, get moving and meet other people.  Of course you'll have the odd time a tear or two will come, but it does get easier.  Ernie and I were very active people having guests over or invited out or would do something together and I understand how odd it must feel now that you are alone.  The key is to keep as busy as you can even if it's around the house.  I think we will always miss our spouses until we join them, but for now we should carry the torch forward of memories of our spouses because they would want us to.

So proud of you.  Hope you do volunteer.  Giving to others helps me at least forget my own heartbreak.

Comment by deborah peck on August 23, 2017 at 9:57pm

I have started a lot of little no  I  Imean big projects at my house so am trying to keep myself busy by staining my deck which next time I will hire someone as this is a huge job !but it is something to keep my mind occupied ,I had quit work last year with my husbands blessing but now am regretting it as I need more to do , so am thinking of doing volunteer work. do you think its to soon to take on something that big? or should I wait awhile. My husband and I were very active people always going someplace, so just missing him a lot and our live we had

Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 23, 2017 at 6:15pm

Thanks Marsha; I know what you mean about retirement and loneliness...a lot of time to fill. I also know what you mean about meeting new people.  I was on a cruise a couple of weeks ago and every night they had a "singles meet" ; I went one night and felt like a fish out of water.  My immediate thought was that I was 65, and don't consider myself attractive any more.  This thought led to feelings of fear and inadequacy which led to the behavior of me getting the hell out after 10 minutes.  This is a very good example of what I mentioned about my therapy session today...thought leading to feelings leading to behavior. Geez it would be so much easier to be a dog.  Have a great night everyone...Hugs

Comment by Marsha H on August 23, 2017 at 6:01pm

Russ ...  Good for you going to therapy.  Most men wouldn't feel right going (perhaps they feel it's a sign of weakness?)  You have to go through the pain to be healed.  Once that's accomplished and you can get through repressed memories then you are getting much better, but no one can take away the loss of your partner; it just dulls the roar enough to reach forward into your future.  Please keep us posted Russ as we are always interested as to how each member is doing no matter what they are going through.  Love the name 'Bo's Place' sounds so friendly.  I hope you get what you're looking forward to.  It will help you to be around others physically that are going through what you are. 

Things are looking up a bit better for myself.  Being a retired widow isn't fun and so difficult to meet anyone whether it be female or male.  I keep trying.  Sure not like the old days.  LOL

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 23, 2017 at 5:42pm

Today was my 1st day of therapy; something I have tried to convince myself I didn't need for the last two years.  I found out really quick that grief therapy is painful in that you bring up forgotten or repressed memories.  W initially laid the groundwork then spent a lot of time discussing the correlation between thoughts, feelings and behavior While too early to tell; I will keep you guys posted.  The therapist also referred me to a group called "Bo's Place" here in Houston.  I hope this note finds you all well...Hugs...and will TT you guys later

 

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