Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on August 26, 2017 at 8:13pm

I don't understand why the funeral home did that Joanne, the one I used just had to have me sign one on the policies over to them and then the insurance company paid them and then sent the rest to me, what a horrible way to do someone when they are hurting too bad to be able to take time to figure it out. When my 1st husband passed he didn't have insurance, thank God my uncle stepped in and paid for it, even then we were given an option on installments for 6 months which we didn't use but was a great option

Comment by Marsha H on August 26, 2017 at 4:07pm

Did the research for the U.S. to see if there was something similar to B.C. Memorial Funeral Services, but unfortunately as Mary.Jane said it's all about money.  Couldn't find a thing out there.  Sorry, wish I could have helped.

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 26, 2017 at 3:58pm
Ok, this is a post for us older daughter was at the San Francisco airport this morning..(on her way here YAAAAY) and she sent me a picture of a giant display of a VW bus, painted with flowers, and peace signs, commemorating The Summer of Love...back in 1967! Yes, kids, Bob and were Golden Gate Park,at a "LOVE IN" sitting on a blanket, listening to bands, dancing, sipping Annie Greensprings wine people passed out flowers to everyone.
That was 50 years ago...we were so innocent..we thought we would change the world, and all the hate and I remember, I think "wow, we were so naive" LOL
Ok, that,S it. Carry on.
Comment by Joanne Dobrow on August 26, 2017 at 3:56pm

Thanks to everyone.

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 26, 2017 at 3:49pm
Wow, that is wonderful. Too bad the U.S. Couldn,t do something like that. But, I am sorry to say, this country is having a love afair with $$$$$$$$, and greed seems to be the only thing running it. I am especially bothered by the way they charge college students...a lifetime of debt, for what, if it was a state run college, used to be basically free.
You could even go to places like Berkeley if you had the smarts to qualify. Not any more. We don,t take care of our poor or is a darn shame.
Comment by Marsha H on August 26, 2017 at 1:59pm

To everyone ...  In Canada we have 'B.C. Memorial and there is an extremely small fee.  What they do is take over almost everything and you can a lovely low-cost funeral or, if the family decides they want a large funeral they will give the best prices.  They are there (thank God) to stop Funeral Homes from gouging grieving families.  I will research and try to find out if the U.S. has something like this. 

For Ernie, he was cremated $250 with a lovely walnut box for his ashes which I keep so we can have our ashes strewn over the Pitt River when my time comes.  I had a 'Celebration of Life' with Power Point of everyone in the family, friends and of course Ernie ...  all those wonderful memories and I made the music.  After we had tea in another room (I was in shock so don't remember much of it, but was told the whole thing was lovely) the total cost for me was $2,000.  I probably could have gone cheaper, but I had no help with preparing for this.  I am so sorry there wasn't anyone there to help you out. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 26, 2017 at 11:02am
Joanne, that is the most disgusting funeral home story I have ever heard. 4000 just for a cremation? And another $8000 for the funeral? What area do you live that it would cost so much?
One of my biggest vendettas is the way funeral homes GOUGE berieved people. I think it is the most disgusting thing in the world. They prey on the guilt and sorrow of the deceased loved ones.
I know it is hard to find a funeral home when someone dies suddenly, and the funeral,homes take full advantage of that. The entire industry is corrupt..and there is a "standard" they are supposed to adhear to, but they police themselves, and basically charge what they choose.
I was fortunate when Bob died, and the HOSPICE place have me the name of a reasonable place...but while he was home for the 4 days before he died, I called several places to compare prices for cremation. The difference in charges were staggering. A few never even returned my calls.
The entire charge for his cremation was only $675. I DIDN,t buy an urn, or arrange a funeral, as he DIDN,t want one..and he sits right next to me, in a cloth bag, which has a pattern of paints splatters on it (he was an artist, and we found the bag at the Dollar Tree, of all places) but until we can scatter his ashes, that is where he will stay. I find it comforting that he is near to me.
I urge anyone who is older, or just a good pre planner to check out places before we even get sick. But no one does one even Talks about it, and that is what keeps the prices sky high.
A last note...4 years ago, a very close friend husband died instantly..they were the couple we did everything with...and since I lived so far away, I wanted to do something for her, and her son, so I found some beautiful silver "charms" on a chain, to put ashes in, and wear. My friend asked if I minded telling her how much they each cost..$60, and she was horrified...the funeral home she took her husband to was charging $250 for the exact same type of silver ash or prayer containers. Disgusting.
Comment by Sara Murphy on August 26, 2017 at 8:54am

Joanne......You shouldn't have had to worry about so much after Jack's passing.  That alone is full time, 24/7 grief and to worry about the funeral home keeping his ashes until payment was made is inconceivable.  I too had my husband cremated and was lucky enough to have my brother in-law pay the funeral home until the life insurance check came in which was only about a month.  That alone was a lot to think about, the last thing I wanted to do was make phone calls and schedule meetings.  I can only imagine the un-necessary added stress you felt.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.  Sending a hug your way.


Comment by deborah peck on August 25, 2017 at 9:48pm

Joanne, I'm so sorry for all your pain, I think you were right when you said we were kindred spirits. I cant imagine losing a loved one so close to the holidays and the thought of the funeral home holding him hostage is just appalling , sending you hugs

Comment by Marsha H on August 25, 2017 at 8:25pm

Dear Joanne ...  I am so sorry your husband Jack had to go through so much at such a young age.  I know it was difficult for you as well; then Jack passing a week before Christmas and on top of it all the stress of paying for the funeral.  It seems all about money and a down payment should have been sufficient to bury your Jack.  I certainly can understand how you feel numb with things happening so quickly and the shock of it all.

When my Ernie passed away he had Celiac Disease and it took forever to get a doctor to diagnose him.  Every week I would have to take him to the hospital to get an IV as he was losing weight so quickly.  Like you, I just did what I had to and didn't ever think he would die.  Then he had his last bad bout and was comatose and I rushed him into ER and stood my ground!  By this time at 6' 6" tall my beloved only weighed 156 lbs., and he was ready to give up.  Thankfully after multiple tests they found out what he had and we rectified it with diet and he packed on more weight than he ever had before.  We thought it was clear sailing until 2 years later he was having stomach issues again and pain and we found he had pancreatic cancer, but were told it was caught in time and surgery would fix the issue.  The specialists made many mistakes and by the time we were aware his pancreatic cancer was inoperable.  I tried so hard to keep things normal in our lives not realizing he was going to die from this horrific disease and I had to watch him lose weight once again.  What hurt my heart the most is he looked at me as if 'I could fix it' but this time it was out of my control.  We had one last New Year's Eve bringing in 2011 and he was gone by April 27, 2011.  It took me forever to realize he was gone.  How I still miss him now, but, it's a far less agonizing pain in my heart than at the beginning.  I will always miss and love him dearly.

Thank you so much for venting Joanne.  I just thought I would tell you some of the things that happened to Ernie as hearing other people's stories can often help.

Big hug



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