Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1346
Latest Conversations: 20 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Sandfly on August 21, 2017 at 4:11am

Thank you for all your lovely and supportive comments.They mean a lot :)

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 20, 2017 at 9:56pm

Russ.....I'm catching up on reading posts from the weekend and want to welcome you to our group.  Although this is not a group anyone ever wants to join, it's definitely a group we NEED.  I'm sorry for the loss of your partner.   As several others have already mentioned, you found a place where people understand.  This is something we don't have with family and friends, at least in my case none have lost a spouse so no one understands my pain.  I lost my husband Ken on 1/13/16, he was 52 years old and we'd been together for 30 years.   Just like you, it feels like yesterday.  When I first lost him, I was going crazy because there was no one to talk to.  I'm lucky that I found this site 2 months later and wasn't sure it was going to help until I saw someone else post what was in my head.  I had thought there was something wrong with me until I saw that post.  That's when I knew I found "my people".  Through everyone else's posts, I knew my feelings and crazy thoughts were normal.  Nothing will ever take away the deep pain I feel but having a place to go and talk safely without feeling judged helps more than I can say.  I'm so grateful for my Legacy family and hope you find the same comfort.

Love and Hugs,


Comment by Mary. Jane on August 20, 2017 at 10:25am
Steve,,"aww, shucks!" Thank you
Comment by Steve on August 20, 2017 at 9:17am


You have been with me from the first day I posted and you still keep me growing.  Your kind words, your simple direct actions and advise challenged me to go looking for the me I forgot so long ago.  We are one big family here and we stay connected, sometimes it is good to step back and just say thank you,


Comment by Steve on August 20, 2017 at 9:12am

Mary Jane,

You dear lady find the most poignant and minutiae details that I would not have thought of, thank you dear sister, you keep me on my toes.  Hugs...

Comment by Steve on August 20, 2017 at 9:05am

Dear Sandfly,

I am approaching my 3rd year loss on November 31st of this year and as Marsha said each year becomes clearer for me, hate to use the word easier.  I started this journey for looking for answers to why did this have to happen to me? what did I do to deserve such an awful fate? what did Mark do to deserve his fate? All said and done, for me, I went back in time thru my memories from childhood to present day.  My life started on April 20th, 1947 and then in September of that same year my Mother died.  All the events from that point in my life to now has yielded clarity for me. 

My first year after Mark's death was everything you described, for me I found that the days leading up to that date were more terrible than the actual day.  I think I was posting and venting almost daily on this site.  I even thought that everyone was tired of hearing from me, I could not have been more wrong.  The love and understanding here brought me to today, my prayer for you is that you too will find solace here among some of the finest people I have ever had the pleasure to call my family.

Your picture was stunning, moving and brought tears, not sad tears, tears of joy.  God bless you dear lady, you are stronger than you think.

Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 20, 2017 at 12:38am

ySandfly I am very new here so I'm probably the last one that should be throwing out encouragement.  I too wake up every morning and my first thought I, What for ...what in the hell am I going to do with my life today". But as negative as this may sound I can't allow this negativity to persist; it will consume me.  So I tell myself the "what for" is to reassure my partner in heaven that I'm okay. Today I was thinking why am I even bothering with this site because words have not helped me in the past.  But the very short time I have been on here I recognize there are people who actually care and maybe for the 1st time since losing my partner they are willing to listen. Lift your chin up for your man and let him know you're going to be damn okay.  Lots of hugs and I'm always here if you need to talk.  Take care...Russ

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 19, 2017 at 8:59pm
Dear Sandfly
ThT is one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. What an amazing tribute to David. I hope you will have a copy of that picture made, and frame it.
What stood out so much for me, was not the hearts, or Davids name..but your footprints in the sand, as you scurried to create this beautiful thing, against the awesome spance of the says to me that YOU ARE STILL ALIVE, as tiny and insignificant as the ocean sometimes makes us feel...and you will get through this. It will take time, but your life will change, and David will always be with you, as you venture on. Seriously, this really touched me, and gave me a modem of hope for the future..for all of us who are in so much pain...the days, then weeks, and months will go on, and life will get better, even tho it is hard to vision right now. You will find a new job, and different life, as you carry David in your heart to the future.
Comment by Marsha H on August 19, 2017 at 8:56pm

Dear Sandfly ...  It's been almost 7 years since I lost my Ernie and I know the first year or two are the very worst.  As the years pass they will be forever in our hearts, but the horrific pang of their loss ebbs with the tide.  What you did in memory of David was absolutely beautiful and I'm proud of you for getting out and keeping busy.  I promise, this terrible pain of grief will be a dull roar and at your own pace.  I am just so thankful I had almost 40 years of marriage with Ernie and all the memories along with his laughter, love and patience and all that wisdom he passed onto me.  Our Wedding Anniversary was August 12th and I get a helium balloon and write love messages on it and go to one of our favorite places by the river and kiss the balloon and let it sail into the heavens imagining Ernie is waiting there to grab it.  It gives me peace.

Hang in there Sandfly; what you are going through is very normal and something either many are going through on this forum or have been where you are now. 

Comment by Sandfly on August 19, 2017 at 7:29pm

Hello everyone, the first death anniversary was on 16/8/2017.

The day went by ok as I kept busy. This is what I posted. Now what? Anther year and then another and another without him? 

Unbearable. I am in bed moping waiting for the day to be over so that I can get up and go to a job where I am not needed and feel useless. Sorry about the rant.

My Darling David, one year ago today you died. I miss you so much, it has been the hardest year. I miss your kindness, your unconditional love,your sense of humour, your smile, your angst about newspapers butchering great photos,your loyalty to your friends and family, your love and passion for New Zealand and not to mention your cooking. It feels like 5 minutes ago we were having pizzas and limoncellos in Italy. 
I am so thankful that we had 32 years together but I wanted 32 more. Today I spent some time at the beach with a dear friend and my 'new'dog. I wanted to take a nice picture to mark the day. I am sure you had a few giggles watching us drawing wonky hearts in the sand and perfect ones that immediately got washed away. How we frantically gathered shells to write your name in the sand against the coming tide. Here are the results! 
Love you forever.David%20heart.jpgWe%20miss%20yiu%20David.jpg


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