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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Marsha H 8 hours ago. 21 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on August 24, 2017 at 2:18pm

Russ...I'm glad you've started therapy.  I really hope it works for you and please keep us posted.   It's something I've never considered because I would want my therapist to have first hand knowledge of being a widow/widower.  Maybe I'll learn something from your posts.  I too would probably run out of a singles meet after 10 minutes.  Your story did give me a chuckle.  Dating has changed since I got married in 89. 

Comment by Marsha H on August 24, 2017 at 3:35am

Russ ...  Even though you were serious in your post I couldn't help but have a good giggle over you wishing you were a dog as I love dogs and just said to my girlfriend 2 days ago I wished I was a dog!  LOL

I'm 75, but people say I look and act a lot younger, but like you tried some groups and just felt out of place and some of us call it 'the elephant in the room.'  I felt like I was cheating on Ernie at first even though it had been 2 years since he had gone and I sure was out of practice dating.  I only had one date and I had to end that one even though he was a nice man, but seemed in a hurry to have a relationship too soon after his wife had passed away.  I felt terrible.  Since that time I've had men look at me, but no takers and often I'll look in the mirror and pick myself apart of feel I have spinach stuck in my teeth.  LOL  It's true, we are our own worst critics.  Since it's been 6 1/2 years since Ernie passed my niece insists on putting me on a dating site, but I just feel odd about it, but for her sake I'll give it a try.  I bet I'd have better luck looking at a line-up at Sing Sing!  LOL 

See, you taught us something already from your therapy, 'thought leading to feelings leading to behavior.  As the years go by I do feel less attractive no matter who compliments me.  Now I just go about my life, keep myself up and hope for the best.  I am sure you are still good looking Russ so don't put yourself down so much.  I believe there is some sort of future out there for all of us.  Loneliness is the worst of grief. 

I hope you have a better day of it and keep trying my friend.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on August 24, 2017 at 3:25am

Hi Deborah ...  I did exactly what you're doing and did large jobs around my home; kitchen and bathroom and now just starting on cleaning out the garage.  Ugh!  It's good to keep busy and also tires you out so you sleep better. 

No, it's not too early for you to volunteer as I did about 2 months after Ernie passed away.  I volunteer for a dog shelter and help them find homes.  I love it!  It gets me out of the house and keeps me busy one day a week.  I may now even try to find a place to take a writing course as I'm told I'd very good at writing so now I have the time.  If you volunteer and you have an off day you can take any time off you need.  This is great because if you feel like going back to work full-time or even part-time this will certainly help you to get out, get moving and meet other people.  Of course you'll have the odd time a tear or two will come, but it does get easier.  Ernie and I were very active people having guests over or invited out or would do something together and I understand how odd it must feel now that you are alone.  The key is to keep as busy as you can even if it's around the house.  I think we will always miss our spouses until we join them, but for now we should carry the torch forward of memories of our spouses because they would want us to.

So proud of you.  Hope you do volunteer.  Giving to others helps me at least forget my own heartbreak.

Comment by deborah peck on August 23, 2017 at 9:57pm

I have started a lot of little no  I  Imean big projects at my house so am trying to keep myself busy by staining my deck which next time I will hire someone as this is a huge job !but it is something to keep my mind occupied ,I had quit work last year with my husbands blessing but now am regretting it as I need more to do , so am thinking of doing volunteer work. do you think its to soon to take on something that big? or should I wait awhile. My husband and I were very active people always going someplace, so just missing him a lot and our live we had

Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 23, 2017 at 6:15pm

Thanks Marsha; I know what you mean about retirement and loneliness...a lot of time to fill. I also know what you mean about meeting new people.  I was on a cruise a couple of weeks ago and every night they had a "singles meet" ; I went one night and felt like a fish out of water.  My immediate thought was that I was 65, and don't consider myself attractive any more.  This thought led to feelings of fear and inadequacy which led to the behavior of me getting the hell out after 10 minutes.  This is a very good example of what I mentioned about my therapy session today...thought leading to feelings leading to behavior. Geez it would be so much easier to be a dog.  Have a great night everyone...Hugs

Comment by Marsha H on August 23, 2017 at 6:01pm

Russ ...  Good for you going to therapy.  Most men wouldn't feel right going (perhaps they feel it's a sign of weakness?)  You have to go through the pain to be healed.  Once that's accomplished and you can get through repressed memories then you are getting much better, but no one can take away the loss of your partner; it just dulls the roar enough to reach forward into your future.  Please keep us posted Russ as we are always interested as to how each member is doing no matter what they are going through.  Love the name 'Bo's Place' sounds so friendly.  I hope you get what you're looking forward to.  It will help you to be around others physically that are going through what you are. 

Things are looking up a bit better for myself.  Being a retired widow isn't fun and so difficult to meet anyone whether it be female or male.  I keep trying.  Sure not like the old days.  LOL

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Russ Macaluso on August 23, 2017 at 5:42pm

Today was my 1st day of therapy; something I have tried to convince myself I didn't need for the last two years.  I found out really quick that grief therapy is painful in that you bring up forgotten or repressed memories.  W initially laid the groundwork then spent a lot of time discussing the correlation between thoughts, feelings and behavior While too early to tell; I will keep you guys posted.  The therapist also referred me to a group called "Bo's Place" here in Houston.  I hope this note finds you all well...Hugs...and will TT you guys later

Comment by Marsha H on August 23, 2017 at 4:41am

Dear Linda ...  My deepest condolences on the loss of your wife.  My husband Ernie passed away 2011 of pancreatic/liver cancer, we had no children and I'm left with 2 dogs that are my saviors and get me moving.  My immediate family is very small and I don't see them that often and long-time friends were there at first, but slowly one after the other disappeared for long periods of time as they simply got on with their own lives.  Loneliness to me is the #1 heartbreak.  This forum is also wonderful for lifting one's spirits if only to know you are not alone in this strange journey of grief.  It's OK if you don't want to move your wife's things and leave everything as it was for as long as you want.  There is no rush.  Even after cleaning out a lot of Ernie's close for the less fortunate, I did keep some of his things. 

I am happy to hear you feel somewhat better and realize your dear on is gone, but never forgotten.

Hope you keep posting and just say what you have to say as no one judges another on here and this site really saved my life. 

Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on August 23, 2017 at 4:35am

Dear Deborah ...  Welcome to the family although I'm sad it's a forum for grief and my deepest condolences.  My husband Ernie passed away in 2011 from pancreatic/liver cancer and I still miss him to this day. 

The first year is the most difficult for most of us.  It doesn't matter how much support we may get from family or friends it soon wanes as they often feel after a year one should be over the worst of the grief and they get on with their own lives, but they don't know just how heart-broken we are as well as feeling lost, lonely and frightened at times. 

It is very common at the first stages of grief to have panic attacks and I find walking with my dogs (my saviors) helps me a lot.  I go to the dykes nearby where it's quiet, birds chirping, otters, beavers, fish, etc., you can see and high in the trees are Eagles and Hawks; fields of blueberries or cow grass and just peace.  I feel so much better after those walks.  Other symptoms you may feel is no appetite or eating all the time, sleeping too much or insomnia, stomach issues, headaches, anxious feelings and being frightened off and on.  It's all very normal.  Never be afraid to cry because that is the bodies way of relaxing.  When stressed our muscles tighten up.  I still have cries every so often.  You will feel as time goes by the heart-wrenching pain is less and you will think clearer as well.  Your beloved will always be in your heart, but your life with improve.  Some of us call it, 'reinventing ourselves.'  Just keep coming here and posting anything you like and we'll be here to help you.

Wish I was there personally to hug you and tell you things will even out in your life so you can move forward, but I'm smart enough to know that now is not the time.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on August 23, 2017 at 4:24am

Sandfly ...  I know what you mean.  I'm a huggy person with people who are upset or those I know well as I believe in human contact.  A hug is so welcoming.  I have a small immediate family I don't see that often and friends, but as you say they are busy and soon get on with their own lives.  When I got my first hug after Ernie passed away I was in shock too and realized how much I missed him and would give up everything to just have one more hug from him.  We all need basic human contact and I find when I hug people most have a wide smile and look peaceful.  A hug to me is saying, 'nice to see you and I really do care how you are feeling today.' 

So here is a big, huge hug

Marsha

 

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