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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 8, 2017 at 8:02pm

 

 Part 2-

 

            “I’m sorry – where are my manners? I haven’t introduced myself.” Holding out his hand and smiling broadly he says “Hello, I’m Larry.”

 

            “Hello Larry” he says taking the outstretched hand in both of his. “Nice to know you…I’m Mark.”

 

            They hold each others hand for a few seconds, smiling, Knowing, and then both sit back and look around at the beauty surrounding them.

 

            “Do you think they’ll be alright?”

 

            “It’s not for us to know, but yes – I think so, don’t you?”

 

            “Yes, I think they will – they’re stronger than they know.”

 

            The minutes spin out again, and they listen to the rustle of the leaves and watch the bending grass like waves glistening in the sunlight.

 

            “Will we see them again – do you think we’ll be together someday?”

 

            “That’s not up to us, but you know the answer to that one anyway, don’t you?”

 

            “You’re right – silly question – sorry. I wonder when….”

 

            “Time is different here – a lot of things are different. “

 

            “So what do we do – I mean,  for now…while we wait? “

 

            “Well, we watch over them, and we spend time with the others, and we can always talk to each other. That is, if you want to.”

 

            “Oh, yes – I would very much like to talk to you. I’m sure we have a lot in common, you and I.“

 

            They sit smelling the fragrance of flowers blooming somewhere nearby, watching clouds glide slowly above the treetops, listening to a brook spilling its clear sweet water over smooth stones of many colors.

 

            “Do you mind if I stay here a while longer – it’s nice here.”

 

            “Of course – please stay. It is nice here – very nice indeed. There’s no hurry – we have all the time in the world.”

 

“Yes, I guess that’s so– all the time in the world…”

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 8, 2017 at 7:54pm

Dear Debbie,

That you have known two times the pain of losing your husband makes me want all the more to send you a big long hug and somehow push as much positive energy flowing your way as I can muster. Wondering if you could withstand such a blow a third time is more than understandable. I had so many long conversations with myself about that, and so much more when I realized what was happening to me. On top of all this, we had never actually met in person -  had our meeting been through any other venue but Bereaved Spouses, I would have heeded the skeptical and cautionary words of the few close friends I confided in -  that this person may not be who he presents himself to be. All I could keep saying was that I wasn't in some singles chat room or on a dating website - I was in a family of grieving struggling people of all ages who were as honest and venerable as I am. If I wasn't there to deceive or hurt anyone, how could I possibly thing that of anyone here? Our words to each other are so full of raw truth in our torment and loneliness that it is folly to question their sincerity.

It was while grappling with all this that I wrote the following. I have never posted it here before, being unsure how to broach a subject in this forum that touches on such sensitive areas, and unwilling to gamble on offending anyone in their time of sadness and grief. It seems that now might be the right time to share it.

I am posting it a a separate post hoping it will fit without dividing it into two parts. I wish you much peace and calm this weekend, and am so grateful to know that there are friends here who can understand what has happened to Steve and I, even if some in the outside world don't recognize what a remarkable thing has happened to us.

Love,

Chuck

______________________________________________________

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 8, 2017 at 7:36pm
MICHEAL..
This is about that song 1000 years..you may have already read this, but that was really thoughtful of her to tell the DJ not to,play it.
The first time I ever heard that song was 2 days after my husband of over 48 years had died. My daughter and I were on our way home from the funeral home where we,d filled out papers..and we decided to go to a dept store to lighten the mood...while I was looking thru a rack of clothes, a song came on the overhead speakers,,I could hear the words, and they almost dropped me to my knees. I started sobbing right there in Women's Wear! Lol My daughter used her cell phone to identify the song...and I listened to it all the time after that...it lost some of its appeal when I discovered it was used in The Twilight series movies about vampires, but it is very heart wrenching.
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 8, 2017 at 7:28pm

Dear Michael,

I'm just now catching up on posts I have missed, and played the "A Thousand Years" song you shared that you used to sing to your beloved Melanie. Thank you, it is beautiful and as it began playing I looked out the window to the west and watched the colorful sunset thinking of how many many times Larry and I would watch the shifting hues as they deepened with each passing moment side by side from the front porch. The very first night that Steve was here in July of 2016 for a three day visit, we also watched a spectacular sunset from the same chairs. The thoughts and feelings running through my mind as the music played are impossible to relate, but they revolved around the eternal riddles surrounding life, love and loss.

When I finally confided in my oldest friend that it seemed that I was beginning to feel something for someone once again, and how conflicted and confused it made me feel,  she put her hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye and said that inside me was the person she had known since we were babies, and he was incapable of living without giving love - that it was as natural to me as breathing  She knew I would have second, third and fourth thoughts about this, but in the long run I would love again, and Larry would be cheering. I'll never forget her words and how encouraging they were. It turned out she was right, and the fact that Steve and I understand each other's grieving for Larry and Mark even as we go through the days together allows us to talk about them, and cry for them, without fear of jealousy or resentment.

That you have found love with someone who knew and loved Melanie allowing you both to talk about her and share your feelings of loss is truly a blessing - I am happy for you both and appreciate your sharing with our family here. 

Bless you, and have a peaceful weekend -

Love,

Chuck   

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 8, 2017 at 7:27pm
RUSS...
My husband of over 48 years died 19 months ago..and I am just starting to feel some loneliness. It is a new feeling for me, as this is the first time in my life I have been alone...and mostly, I like being able to make my own decisions, and not having someone to tell me I am doing it wrong, or fix me dinner, etc. fortunately, the loneliness doesn,t last very long (so far) and when/if it does, I just grab my journal and write down how I am feeling.
I also don,t know how to DRIVE, which puts me pretty much dependent on others to get places, and I think I am too old, or don,t have enough FOCUS to learn at my age. If you feel like you'd like to connect with someone, go for it! So many people who have lost loved ones, DO reach out, and who knows? You might meet someone special, or at least maybe make some new friends!
Comment by Marsha H on September 8, 2017 at 5:51pm

Debby ...  haven't heard of the book, but it does sound very interesting.  I kept a journal for quite sometime and it really does help.  You can look back and sometimes be shocked at just how much you have progressed through this terrible journey of grief.  Thanks for letting us know about the book and I'm going to get it just for a refresher course.

Comment by Marsha H on September 8, 2017 at 5:48pm

Debby ...  I totally understand how you feel and I do feel your pain.  I was married in my early 20's to not a nice man and after 3 years filed for divorce (no children.)  Then a miracle happened and I met my beloved Ernie.  Even though we knew each other for 45 years and married almost 40 years when he died at 65 I was so angry and just didn't think it was fair.  Such deep love and in an instant he was taken from me.  I can only be thankful for having that in my life when so many others don't.  I have memories and oh yes, I still have my crying days. 

I wish you a peaceful and restful weekend Debby and be kind to yourself.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 8, 2017 at 5:43pm

Russ ... We aren't putting up with you at all as we all feel your heartache and loneliness and please realize you are not alone.  It's a good thing to vent on Legacy as to what you feelings are and so happy you did.

There is no time limit to grief.  Some people can find someone to be in their life in the first year while others need longer (such as myself and obviously yourself.)  Then other prefer to remember their beloved spouse and go it alone into the future.  Everyone marches to a different drummer.

Even almost 7 years I still cry and get lonely and just like you I cuddle my two dogs and they are so sweet licking the tears away.  I'm sure your own dog feels some grief because of your loss.  Some days the loneliness hits me so hard that I feel like a ghost walking around and people pass by me.  Yes, you will get better.  I am ready to find someone to be in my life, but wonder if it will ever happen.  You had many years with your spouse so please don't expect to be over her so quickly, but I honestly feel your life will level off where you can reinvent yourself and in the future meet someone that can help you throughout the future you have.  Grieving is horrific, but it's life and it does teach us to be more humble, thankful for many things in our lives and makes us stronger.  The fact you get up every day and do your best means you are getting much stronger even though you may feel you aren't.

It doesn't hurt to have a couple of glasses of wine as long as it's not a crutch every time one feels down.  A glass of wine with dinner or even before one goes to bed is a good thing.  So my dear friend, have your wine and try to relax and remember you are not on this journey of grief alone as we're all here for you.

Hugs (wish I was there in person) and Blessings

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on September 8, 2017 at 5:13pm

Dear Russ, there is no time limit on grieving or the love you shared. my first husband has been gone for 29 years and sometimes I still have hard minutes and wonder what my life would be like if he had lived, all this while being deeply in love with Greg, so no don't ever be afraid to still grieve for what you have lost.   love Debbie

Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 8, 2017 at 4:50pm

I've been reading some of everyone's recent comments and in a way it made me feel somewhat better.  I was really thinking bad about myself for sharing such grief and sadness and loneliness while at the same time saying I want to find love again.  That being said, today has not been a good day; the loneliness has me by the butt.  I really would have never thought that these feelings would still be so palpable after two years.  It makes me wonder if it will ever get better. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but I'm sure yo all will understand because I know I'm not atypical in this regard. My precious little Schnauzer has got more hugs today than I think she cared to and my keyboard is wet. I started to reach for the wine a little while ago and resisted (I'm no a real lover of alcohol).  Okay I'm done...thanks for putting up with me and maybe I still may hit that wine before the night's over.  Hugs and blessings to all...have a great weekend.

 

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