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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on September 12, 2017 at 11:18am

I decided to tell my story , so just bear with me as I give you my life in a few paragraphs . I met my 1st husband Rob when I was 17, was with a friend at a family pool room, had never seen him before but told my friend that I was going to marry him, even though I had yet to talk to hi, well he came over and introduced himself and as the say, the rest is history, a month later we married and went on to have 3 beautiful daughters. he did time in the army until he got hurt and was medically discharged and was now partially paralyzed, we still had a good life and were raising our daughters when the night of aug13th he was sick and kept going to the bathroom, the last time he came back laid in bed and kinda sighed, I told him I loved him and went to sleep, little did I know that was his last breath, I woke up and new withought even looking at him that he had died, from there as you all know it was a nightmare I was 31 ,he was 36. My youngest was only 7. My girls and I went on and built a life and 3 years later I met my future husband Greg, he was the 1st and only man I had dated after Rob died. I worked in the UAW credit union ,he worked at Ford, he kept asking for my phone number and I kept saying no till finally he took a piece of paper and told me to write it down I did and we dated for about a year before we got married, he was great with my girls or now they were our girls, We had so many adventures and laughed a lot and loved each other, he was so funny and always pulling pranks. then on Jan 30 2017 the day I came home from having reconstruction surgery for cancer I heard our 2 year old grandson crying so asked him to get up and check on him, he sat on the side of the bed and fell back, he wasn't breathing, I called our daughter who is a nurse and an ambulance, by then he was breathing again and alert, on the way to the hosp he had a massive stroke, they didn't hold out hope he would survive but we did and he did but was left with swallowing issues and trouble with his speech so after time at rehab he came  home and we began our new life, rehab every day and at home too, he worked so hard every day to get better and wanted nothing more then to eat and drink normal food again, everything had to be thickened. during this time he had pneumonia all the time he kept aspirating his food and drink he caught the flu and little did I know he was swallowing his vomit, on May 5th he could hardly breath so called ambulance and he had to be put on a vent and was septic. they took the vent out but the damage was done, he could no longer even swallow his own saliva without chocking and was mostly out of it so the doctors said I had to make a decision to either put a tube in his stomache for feeding or allow him to eat knowing he would die, so he started waking up a little once in awhile and was soo mad they wouldn't feed him, we tried to explain but he didn't understand, so was mad at everyone, on May10th he awoke in a perfect state of mind, wanted to tell the doctor he wanted to eat, he said no one knows how long they have so he didn't want to live it like that and while I cried knowing I would lose him I totally understood and was relieved that he had enough clarity to make the decision himself. So of all thing she wanted Burger king so that's what he had and I ate dinner with him that night and he wanted to go home so arraignments  were made for him to go home on hospice by that evening he was out of it again and he was dying, we got him home the next evening and I curled up on the hospital bed with him at our home thinking  we still had awhile to spend together  but it wasn't to be, he passed the next evening with me by his side in bed and our entire family in the room along with his best friend. So that is my story with my husbands and while I have been thru this twice you would think I know how to deal with it but both were in different times in my life so have been totally different 

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 12, 2017 at 9:38am
This is a test post..if it goes through just ignore it
Comment by Michael Smith on September 12, 2017 at 6:28am

Deborah,

keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that you have a peaceful and calm day.  I have no answers as to why or how to overcome the grief. Just know that you are among friends here at Legacy. 

Hugs,

mike

Comment by deborah peck on September 11, 2017 at 9:52pm

it will be 4 months tomorrow since I last held my love, cant figure out how this happened or why, am so sad, tired of being okay one day and devastated the next, hate ths

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 11, 2017 at 9:51pm

Mary Jane......It doesn't sound crazy that it was hard to buy a new mattress.  That's actually one of the things I stress about...having to buy new anything without Ken.  Luckily I don't need anything right now so I push those worries away to focus on today.  I'm sure Bob would prefer you do what's necessary for your health and if a new mattress will help you, then he's okay with it.

I probably would have shrieked if I'd seen a spider like that.   I don't think I've met anyone yet who doesn't get freaked out by those creatures.

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 11, 2017 at 11:09am
CHUCK! Thank you for thinking of me. Yes, my daughter and I have some major concerns about going to the Outer Banks when we are...in October...but I am flying to Tennessee and meeting her there, for 3 days, and then we are driving North...so we should have some warning, and can just turn around or drive west and change our flights. Somehow it doesn,t seem as bad if the storm is going to happen where you don,t live. Also, I am packing light...last year when I went back home, I was going to see people I hadn,t seen in YEARS, and I had lost 50 pounds, so I brought a sh*tload of clothes so I would look adorable. Lol. This year I really don,t care. I realized yesterday, that the foldable cane I had purchased last year is too tall for me..so I have to get a new one. I cannot walk as well as I could last year, cuz I had to eliminate an arthritis medication I'd been taking for 15 years as it was causing horrible reactions...so I truly am an old lady. Thank you for thinking of me.
The last few days have been WEIRD..I bought a new mattress, which was a huge decision, because that was where Bob and I slept together for 15 years, and now it is like I have erased a part of him I still had. Sounds crazy,but that is how it feels. But it was medically nessesary. Then, to top off my weekend, I was trimming this huge rose bush, and crawling through the cuttings was a huge garden spider...I had never seen one like it...it's body was the shape and size of a large marble, with shorter legs, and pretty markings, but I had to kill it...in order to bag the cuttings. I felt bad...but I was so scared. On a GOOD note, I cleaned out the spare bedroom...my fear of spiders prevents me from doing a lot around the house...but since I cleaned my bedroom out for the new mattress, I had a burst of energy this weekend. Sorry for the boring post...once I started typing, I couldn,t stop...and, yes, the EBV had been in recession, but my lack of rest, and the darn spider brought it back last night.
Comment by Mary. Jane on September 11, 2017 at 10:46am
To Marsha..OMG, you have to post the picture you sent me here...you look about 10 years old!! And, YES, who ever said Jane Fonda..I think that is who I was trying to think of..maybe it's you hairdo and color now. What year was that early pictur of you and Ernie!
Comment by deborah peck on September 11, 2017 at 9:44am

Marsha, so happy about your little dog, I know you sound like you so enjoy doing this and I know the animals love you for caring so much about them   Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on September 11, 2017 at 12:50am

Deborah ...  I am so happy for you that you had almost a normal time of things and you certainly deserve it.  Like you, shortly after Ernie passed away my girlfriend took me to Bingo and I won $500, but that was a miracle in itself!  LOL

The Memorial Pond is so beautiful and what a lovely thing to do for Greg.  Family coming over is like take a pill for anxiety and very happy you all had a great time.

The highlight of my weekend was adopting out a little dog that had been so badly matted and had been with a homeless person who had to give the dog up.  All the volunteers and myself worked on him for an hour and he was such a good boy and lo and behold he was the first one adopted out to a great family.  We all had tears in our eyes, but tears of joy for a change.

I pray you have more peace and happy days in your life Deb.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 10, 2017 at 9:55pm

Debbie.....I'm glad you had a nice weekend.  It's so hard to feel normal but when you have a day or weekend that gets close, I think it gives a little added strength to get through another day.  I hope tomorrow is a good day as well.

 

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