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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on September 6, 2017 at 11:52am

I have to post an experience I had this past weekend, I was having a hard time with the holiday weekend even though it was only a smaller holiday it was just one more that I had to do without my love. I was cleaning off a shelve in my bedroom closet and found an old phone of Gregs, I decided to charge it and after it was charged I went thru it, it had some pics of my our grandkids he had taken, all his contacts and then two videos he had taken at the skatepark with our grandson, what was so great about this was before he passed the phone he had been using had been broken by a nurse at the hospital right after he had his stroke, the phone couldn't be saved and we lost all the info on it, so this phone I found had his voice before the stroke on it and was amazing to hear him talking so good and strong, that night before I went to bed I begged him for a sign that he was near me as I so believe in our loved ones being near us, I was awoken by his voice saying "honey, hun" it was so clear and loud , I believe he aid it that loud so I would wake up and remember that he was calling to me. I had to share this as its amazing to me and hope others can draw strength from this,  thanks for listening Debby

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 6, 2017 at 8:41am

Dear Trina,

Again I must thank you for the sense of peace you have brought me with your thoughtful encouragement and insight into the emotional complexities involved in selling this house and moving. Indeed Steve is my rock and more throughout all this - he has assumed the mantle of confessor/counselor/therapist, and his patience sometimes seems  bottomless. Many times he sits quietly while I begin talking about this or that related to packing and moving, watching calmly as it escalates into a tirade on my part against realtors, unfair laws and financial practices, and life in general. Once I pause long enough in my histrionics to breathe he says in a soothing rational voice "I know this isn't easy for you, but what your are not considering is..." and talks me down to a place where we can discuss where we are in this process and where we want to be. It is those times I am reminded of just what a miracle has occurred in my life, and what a tremendous gift I have been given to spear me from going through this alone.

I do sincerely believe that I was led to the music I posted by Joseph, just as I believe Larry gently whispers into all of your ears at times of my deepest fear and confusion causing you to write just the right words to also talk me down.

That is why I consider this more than a web site - much more. This is a holy place to me, and no matter our different faiths, backgrounds, or situations, we are all under the watchful and protective love of our loved ones, our Creator, and each other.

I am equally confident that as the days pass and you continue on your beautifully designed path of charity and compassionate works in honor of Joseph, you will find a growing peace in your heart allowing you to offer so abundant comfort and support to all those whose lives you touch  as you have touched mine.

So again I say God bless you Trina, and God bless us all,and bring us peace today, especially those of us so fresh and lost in our grieving.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 6, 2017 at 7:50am

Dearest Sara,

You never fail to say something that exemplifies to us all what a loving caring person you truly are, and how fortunate Ken was and is to have you and your eternal love. I am equally confident that he was very deserving of your love.

From the first time we decided that we would begin talking about what was developing between us, Steve and I have felt your understanding and support along with so many others in the family. We feel it still, and as this very challenging matter of selling Larry's and my home progresses, again I feel your encouragement and compassion giving me strength and calming me.

I said a while ago I would write about the very first time Steve and I actually met face to face, but never actually did. Your kind words have now prompted me to do so, and when I post it please know that I dedicate it to you, because you will never know the countless times you have brought me peace and lessened my pain just by being the friend you are to me, and to us all.

God bless you, Sara, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on September 6, 2017 at 4:32am

Dearest Trina ...  Thank you for the kind words and it too came on a day when I really needed to hear those words.  I was second-guessing what use I was in this world.  Just one of those days.  You made me smile and gave me more strength to go on.

Remember my dear friend Joseph's heart beats within yours and his spirit is also right there beside you.  You will never fail, you have the making of a great and wonderful young woman and Joseph has prepared you for all of this and more.  He saw it in you as you saw his strength. 

I am so very proud of you for the wonderful works you do and again, you are an angel of light in more people's lives than you will ever know.  You have always been there for myself and others even through your own grief and heartache and brought hope not only to yourself, but to all of us on Legacy. 

Like you, I reach out to others and I was having a very bad week two weeks ago.  I was questioning why I was even here as I felt lonely and dejected and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to make things better. Then I went to help adopt dogs out on that Sunday.  We had about 10 dogs and one was a small black little terrier with only 3 legs, but got around very well.  A young boy about 10 years old came with his father to adopt a dog.  The father took me to the side and explained that when the boy's grandfather passed away a month ago his son got terrible panic attacks and withdrew.  I looked into the little netted buggy the boy was pushing around the store and he was popping toys into the buggy.  When I looked closer I saw a little black dog and I began to talk to this little boy.   I told him I was so happy that he had found the dog he really wanted and with big, brown eyes this little boy looked at me and said such profound words that shook me to my very core, 'You see, he needs me as much as I need him.'  Just very simple to the point words, but it brought tears to my eyes.  This is when I realized I was doing good work and making others happy and also, the little boy made me realize we must reach out with our hearts and kindness to those that need us whether human or animal.  I am sure God was sending me a message to look at the smaller things in life instead of the big picture we face day to day.  I also believe Ernie left me heart strong, his spirit beside me egging me on to continue in life and giving of myself even more than I always have.  It's a great feeling! 

God has blessed us with so many things if we slow down and use our 5 senses; sight, sound, smell, taste.  We are all so very fortunate to be able to do that no matter what condition we are in. 

I wish you blessings Trina, strong of heart, feel Joseph's spirit next to you always and keep on doing your good works.

Blessings

Marsha 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 6, 2017 at 3:39am

Dear Chuck,

How often have I shed tears reading your posts, and I did it again. You have a way with words; they are always moving, wise, and poetic. I had been away from Legacy and didn't realize that you are going through some challenging times: selling your home. I did that in August 2016. It was an excruciatingly painful experience for me. I hope that the experience will be less difficult for you with Steve by your side. Steve will be your rock as you take this huge step.

And thank you very much for saying "God bless you" to me. Many people do not like to say it or hear it between people of different faiths. It was comforting to hear those words from you. I, too, say God bless you, Chuck, as you navigate your path through another uncharted territory of selling your home. I am confident that you will make the transition with courage and strength with Steve there to lean on.

Please know that you will always remain a friend to me whether I post on Legacy or not. Sometimes I lack the energy, mental and physical, to read and to post, but Legacy will always remain my family, the family that saw me through the roughest of times. I remain grateful to all our Legacy family for the moral support, compassion, and love that I have found here.

Sending you and Steve much love at this phase of your journey together.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 6, 2017 at 3:33am

Dear Sara,

Thank you for reaffirming for me that signs are significant. I, too, believe in signs, and believe firmly that our departed loved ones find ways of communicating with us through signs. So yes, indeed, it was Joseph who helped Chuck find the song that was so meaningful for me. That was a sign from Joseph telling me that he is right there next to me. And Chuck being as insightful as he is, he picked up on it.

It's been a year and a half for you, so your sense of loss is still relatively fresh and raw. I send you my prayers for healing and peace. Hope that each new day brings some measure of peace, a little ray of comfort and strength as you walk through your journey of loss and pain. Hang in there, my friend and take good care of yourself.

Love, Trina

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 5, 2017 at 9:31pm

Chuck and Trina.......I'm a firm believer in signs so I have no doubt that Joseph led Chuck to find the perfect song to post knowing Trina would recognize it. 

Chuck...Your posts have meant a lot to me over these past 19 months.  Please don't second guess yourself.  Your instincts are usually right on.   I do hope to always be in touch with my Legacy family.  I certainly hope you and Steve continue to post and let us know how things are going.  I know you've finally listed your home and that was huge step.  I can imagine how hard that was but I'm happy you're moving toward a happy future.

Love,

Sara

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 4, 2017 at 11:35pm

My dear  friend Trina,

You will never know how timely your response is for me...or how meaningful. I am smiling at the wonderfully comforting thought that the post I chose for you and Joseph truly had a special meaning for you. Indeed, I could not have known of Joseph's award winning reading, leaving me once again faced with another example of the mysterious and often miraculous connections that are made with each other in this unique and uncommon family.

I remember so well thinking of that music the moment I read of your third anniversary of Joseph's passing, and when I located the piece with lyrics on YouTube so easily it seemed like destiny - yet I hesitated, fearing it might seem inappropriate somehow. In my heart it felt right, but too often I let my head interfere and begin second guessing my instincts. I am so grateful to know I made the right decision that day - thank you.

I always wanted to live my life guided by what truth lived in my heart, believing it would lead me on a path of being helpful and useful in ways far more meaningful than decisions based on monetary or personal advancement. After losing Larry this became even more important to me, because my thoughts and emotions were so jumbled and erratic I could no longer trust myself to be rational when making important decisions regarding our belongings, our home, or even my own future and reason for existing. 

Now I sit here 2 1/3 years later still faced with those choices, time having made them more pressing and urgent. I have always felt your journey through your words as though we were walking this path side by side. That you are finding positive and generous ways of living with your loss is for me especially inspiring and encouraging. Again my friend, thank you.

I was asked by someone a year ago whether I expected I would always be in touch with the friends I had found on Legacy. My reply was to say that I would like to think so, but even if they ceased posting, or if I did, the peace and strength I have been given here by all of these blessed angels has forever embedded you all in my heart - and as I said, that is the trustworthy source from which I draw my strength, comfort, and guidance. For all my days forward, each decision will be counseled by the memory and examples of my family who understood my pain and grief, and rescued me by sharing with me their own.

God bless you Trina, and God bless us all who share our losses and find strength in each other.

Love and Hugs,

Chuck   

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 4, 2017 at 6:49pm

Dear Marsha and Chuck,

This response has been exactly a month in coming. On 4th August the two of you reached out to me with empathy and words of encouragement as I was observing the third anniversary of Joseph's passing. While my pain and anxiety have lessened over the three years, I have reached a point where I can live with my pain of having lost Joseph. It's comparable to people who have lost a limb or their eyesight and have learned to live with that loss as much as they are reminded of the loss and pain on a daily basis. I think what I am saying here will sound only too familiar to many of you who have survived the loss of your spouse/partner/soulmate.

Do you know Chuck and Marsha that you unwittingly said things (or posted, as in Chuck's case) that were very appropriate and sort of prophetic? 

Marsha, you wisely advised me to take up an occupation (voluntary work) that will keep me busy and bring focus to my life. Of course unbeknownst to you, the night before Joseph passed, he told me to do the good works when I asked him what I will do with my life after his passing. On his third death anniversary I ventured out to some poverty-stricken areas of rural Bangladesh (I am originally from BD) with a volunteer women's group and helped distribute polio meds to young children. That was my first step towards realizing Joseph's last words to me. This act gave me satisfaction on many levels, and I will try to build on this small step over the years. Every year, around Joseph's anniversary in August, I will be doing something similar to this. It is a wonderful tribute to Joseph who was a beloved professor to his many students and was also a humanitarian, among other things. So my dear Marsha, your suggestion was very apt and timely. You are a wise and kind lady, and you make our Legacy site so much richer with your love for us and generosity of spirit.

And Chuck, you posted for me and Joseph a song based on Dante's Divine Comedy. Joseph was a professor of Philosophy and Humanities, and the year before he passed, he received the Best Performer Award for his reading of Inferno from Dante's Divine Comedy at our university's Halloween Dead Writers readings! So is that a coincidence that you should post a song based on Dante? Quite amazing! I really appreciated the literary flourish and thoughtfulness in your post meant for me and Joseph. I know Joseph appreciates the post as much as I do. On this site, those of us who continue to mourn the irreparable loss of our beloved, we are in a way repeating the tragic story of Dante and his beloved Beatrice.

On this Labor Day while everyone else is in a celebratory mood, the likes of us are reminiscing and remembering our dearly departed loved one. Sending prayers that today is a little less painful for us and a little more bearable.

Hugs and love, Trina

Comment by Marsha H on September 4, 2017 at 3:41pm

Mary Packer ...  Sorry, can't find your message here, but got it in my email.  I do understand anxiety and it's very normal when grieving.  When upset our muscles tense up without us even realizing it.  Restless sleep to our shoulders up to our ears because of the trauma of losing a spouse causes all those aches and pains.  I went through it as well.

Xanax is good for anxiety, but be sure that your doctor only puts you on it for a short-term as they are extremely addictive.  I know because my doctor didn't and now after years of taking it to ward of panic attacks I can't get off it especially because of my age (75.) 

You can also go to a pharmacy as ask for a lotions physiotherapists use here for massage for joint and muscle pain and it's called, 'P3 ...  muscle and joint pain.'  It has a strong mint smell and other good things in it such as Eucalyptus and it works wonders.  I use it and got a bottle of it for a friend of mine who was in a car accident and she said it works so well.  Hope this helps.

Please keep coming back for Legacy and let us know how you are doing.

Marsha 

 

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