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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on September 7, 2017 at 10:24am

Its so great to read all of the finding love stories, Its way to soon for me to even think about wanting another personin my life, only 3 months have passed by. But I know when my first husband passed I went to work in a bank and did not date again for 2 years and Greg  kept coming into the bank I worked for and asking me out, I turned him down sooo many times until he finally shoved a paper at me and said write down your phone number and I did and as they say the rest is history and we enjoyed 25 years of love before he passed in May .I don't know if I ever want to chance meeting someone again and risk losing for the third time again, it would petrify me.  I'm so happy for all of you that have though and that you post your love stories for everyone to hear and Marsha you will find another love it just might take time, good luck to all of you

Comment by Michael Smith on September 7, 2017 at 8:59am

It amazes me the comfort I feel from  catching up on the posts here.  The similarities of our stories, the caring responses from others.  

Melanie fought colon cancer from June 2013 until October 2015. there were many scares along the road. times I thought she would not recover but she had alot of fight in her.  She would often tell me that she wished she could meet the woman that would help me raise our children. I even caught her talking to single women she knew checking to see if there might be some interest. I would shake my head in disbelief and tell her I had no idea what I was going to happen after she passed.  About two weeks after she passed I went to the ER I was having trouble breathing. they decided to admit me and later figured out it was bronchitis.  They put me on the same floor that Melanie had spent months. Most of the nurses and aids were still the same. I recognized them, I looked familiar to them until I said her name. I spent three days in that room retelling the story of her passing multiple time. crying most of the time. Most of my family and friends didn't even know I was there. I sat in quiet misery alone and wishing I could still hold her.

After i got back home i would force myself to go to work. I am lucky in that my job allows me the freedom to move around the plant. there are places I still go when I need to be alone. My co-workers are nice enough and they tried but none of them had been through what I had. That year the company Christmas party was at a local restaurant and spouses were invited. I wasn't planning on going but was talking on the phone with one of Melanie's best friends and she offered to go with me. It was an enjoyable evening and our friendship has grown ever since. Neither of us were looking for love but we have found it. We can sit and share stories about Melanie. She has held me on numerous occasions when all I could do was sob. At her daughters wedding she made sure the DJ didn't play the Christina Perri A thousand years song that I would sing to Melanie and still makes me cry.  

thats all for now. Thanks for reading.

Big hugs to all and God bless.

here is the song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00

Comment by Steve on September 7, 2017 at 6:36am

Russ,

I too found myself drowning in sorrow and memories that I could not control after Mark had passed.  My biggest fear was being alone, during my life there were very few times I ever lived alone.  Facing the emptiness and being alone was a huge challenge for me and had it not been for my job and our dog Bella I am not sure I would have been able to cope.  I knew I needed help right away and yet I was paralyzed with fear, thank God I had friends at work I did not know about.  They rallied around me with an understanding and caring, something I had not counted on.  This helped while at work and at night I would get home and all the emotions were there waiting for me.  With little notice from me things in my life were changing and I was being driven by a force pushing me to look for help, this is how I found Legacy.  The pushing did not let up, I knew that I needed something more, I remembered my youth and memories of attending church with my grandparents flooded back in.  It would take another 6 months before I could push myself into looking online for a church.  Growing up gay was hard enough, attending church knowing that you would never be accepted was even more difficult.  So, I resisted, and the more I resisted the harder it became to ignore.  I went online and found two churches in Dallas that were LBGT run and not just friendly.  I attended both, the first one greeted me with a feeling of 'when can I get out of here' and the second one I was greeted with 'wow, I am home'.

This helped me find a balance in my life that I was missing, it also led me out of my hermit style life to attend functions with others (none of whom had lost their spouse) and feel almost normal again until I had to go home to my apartment.  The same feelings and emotions were still present.  Almost a year would go by before someone came to Legacy that I could really identify with, another gay man that had lost his husband.  We became friends online and one day we exchanged personal email accounts.  He was a little more open and shared every aspect of his life and I could also share my life with him feeling comfortable to discuss anything.  I found someone I trusted and yet I did not want to rush into anything and as I resisted I felt I was being pushed again to move forward.  There is a lot more to this story and some of the family on this site are familiar with the details leading up to mine and Chucks first face to face meeting, but that is another story for another time.  Bottom line, we each found each other in the most unassuming way possible, for me, it was proof that anything is possible.  Today I am writing this post from New Jersey, Chuck and I are busy trying to sell his home and relocate to Dallas/Ft Worth area.

Yes, you can find love again, funny thing is I was not ever expecting to find it, especially in this venue where we post to help each other through our grief.  Chuck and I love each other very much and yet we still love our dear departed spouses too.  I often say that our relationship is not just the two of us, it includes Mark and Larry and of course dear Bella.

I think you are doing fine Russ, therapy can help, posting can help, keeping an open mind will lead you in the right direction that is right and tailor made just for you dear brother.

Take care and God bless...

Comment by Marsha H on September 7, 2017 at 5:17am

Dear Chuck ...  You are so sweet and kind and as usual put your words so well that it brings tears to my eyes.  I am so happy my story brought back some fond memories for you and I loved your story.  Sometimes miracles comes out of the strangest of places such as little boy and his dog.  I guess I was paying attention for a change.  Often we are filled with grief, fear and fear of change that we don't always see the real miracles around us. 

I hope all is well with you and Steve and I think of both of you often. 

Love you more my little brother and hug Steve for me.

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 7, 2017 at 5:13am

Russ ...  I am so proud of you for getting the therapy and believe it or not when you walk away with more questions than answers that's when the light bulb goes off and it did with you.  No matter how much we grieve for our spouses we ache to be loved again.  I am in the very same situation you are.  Ernie who I will love all my life has been gone almost 7 years and I want to love again, but it's been very evasive for me and difficult to meet single or widowed men.  My niece is putting my profile together to go on a dating site, but I'm leery of it as it's all too foreign for me and call me old fashion, but I prefer meeting a man the normal way, but that's too difficult in today's world filled with technology so I will also share my adventures as to whether someone finds me intriguing enough to go out on a first date.  One should never feel guilty they are cheating or dishonoring their spouse when they choose to date once again.  I know Ernie would have dated with prodding from friends and family so why not me.  I have been very lonely and feel I'm missing out on too much life so I can sure connect with your feelings.

I am not one to be a stickler as to how long a person should wait to date once again, but I have to say one is not mentally over their grief and hasn't had a chance to come to the reality of it so I figured a year to a year and a half for myself.  I never thought it would go on this long.  LOL  I suggest perhaps you just take baby steps and if you should connect with a female keep it a friendship at first and go from there.  You need a little more time to get through your grief.  Step out into the sunshine my friend; volunteer at something you like, take up something you like possibly photography, writing or whatever you are interested in.  Remember, Russ, what you are going through now is very normal so just keep doing what you're doing and the pieces fall into place.

Big hugs (wish I could give you a hug personally) and God bless you. 

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on September 6, 2017 at 2:07pm

Dear Russ, I think its wonderful that you want to find love again it is a testimony to the love the two of you had to want it again. I think therapy will bring up a lot of confusing thoughts while you go thru it, its meant for you to examine your feelings and deal with them so my thoughts and prayers are with you on this journey. I too post on here things I cant say to anyone else as no one else understands the depth of our pain and how confusing it is to figure out our new life. everyone has to do what makes them happy

Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 6, 2017 at 1:38pm

Hello everyone; I haven't posted much here on the site but I assuredly have been reading all of your post and therapeutically it consoles me to know that I'm not the only one feeling some of the things I feel and sometimes questioning my sanity for feeling such. If Our shared experiences would only come with shared and common answers to what we are all feeling.  I previously promised I would share some of the information that I have drawn from my therapy sessions.  I had my 2nd session this morning, and not being negative, but this mornings session sent me away with more questions than answers. I have never been through therapy before, so maybe this is a characteristic that I wasn't expecting.  I think this morning my thoughts and feelings were all over the place and I didn't actually focus in on one particular aspect of my grief, sadness and loneliness. The one thing I urgently felt I needed to bring up was the feeling that while being profoundly affected by my grief at the same time I desperately want to love again.  I'm at a quandary how these two things can be going on at the same time. I also wonder if I'm being selfish for wanting to love while at a point I'm not in control of my grief.  I have no answers...maybe more confusion.  So I progress carefully and still search out that one individual with whom I can talk to without feeling guilty for imposing my emotions on the people close to me, who right or wrong, may not want to listen to me any longer.  So I guess this morning brought no answers, but assuredly laid the ground work for future discussion.  I think of you guys everyday and pray that we all continue to be a source of understanding and compassion for each other.  As many hugs my little arms can muster and prayers for you all. Take care...Russ 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 6, 2017 at 12:31pm

Dear Marsha,

You always find a story to share that moves and touches me so deeply that I feel very close to you despite the miles separating us. That you can see Ernie's hand in your work with the shelter animals,and how healing and therapeutic your work is for you, gives me such inspiration to seek and find ways to do the same. I am not sure when Steve and I will be able to find a new home  and begin turning a new page of our lives, but when we do I hope I can extend myself to those in need and realize the purpose for which I am still here. It surely isn't just to take up space and air! 

Your story about the darling little boy and his choice of a new doggy friend struck home with me like a bolt of lightning, and here is why. As a young boy I was taken by my father to select a puppy from someone selling a litter of cock-a poos. The Saturday was warm and sunny, and they were outside in a large pen equipped with a raised dog house. As Daddy and the seller prodded me to select a puppy (making sure it was male at my parents' insistence), the puppies all ran to the fence where I stood and jumped all over each other playing and vying for my attention it seemed. All except one, who hid under the house with only his tiny black nose showing. My father pointed to one then another asking the gender, but I wanted to see the one under the house. "Oh, him -" the seller said, "He's the smallest and very very shy, so the others don't play with him. He's always under there, but I'll get him out if you want." As soon as he was placed in my hands I knew he was the one I wanted, and when they both asked me why, I simply said "Because he needs me."

So you see Marsha, the thread of uncanny connection continues between us, as it does between all of us here - your story, and that boy's words brought me back to that day, and made me want to feel that needed and purposeful once more. Thank you for that, and for the countless times you have lifted me and all of us with your gentle way of sharing your life as you navigate your path of grieving and healing. You truly are our chief Angel, and though modesty and decorum may prevent you from recognizing that,  nothing can keep me from seeing and acknowledging the fact.

Much love to you my little sister, and hugs and wishes for a peaceful day -

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 6, 2017 at 12:03pm
Deborah, that was lovely. Thank you for sharing it.
Comment by deborah peck on September 6, 2017 at 11:55am

I'm sending prayers to everyone that is affected by these  we are having and hope and pray everyone gets thru it all okay

 

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