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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 10 hours ago. 22 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 6, 2017 at 1:38pm

Hello everyone; I haven't posted much here on the site but I assuredly have been reading all of your post and therapeutically it consoles me to know that I'm not the only one feeling some of the things I feel and sometimes questioning my sanity for feeling such. If Our shared experiences would only come with shared and common answers to what we are all feeling.  I previously promised I would share some of the information that I have drawn from my therapy sessions.  I had my 2nd session this morning, and not being negative, but this mornings session sent me away with more questions than answers. I have never been through therapy before, so maybe this is a characteristic that I wasn't expecting.  I think this morning my thoughts and feelings were all over the place and I didn't actually focus in on one particular aspect of my grief, sadness and loneliness. The one thing I urgently felt I needed to bring up was the feeling that while being profoundly affected by my grief at the same time I desperately want to love again.  I'm at a quandary how these two things can be going on at the same time. I also wonder if I'm being selfish for wanting to love while at a point I'm not in control of my grief.  I have no answers...maybe more confusion.  So I progress carefully and still search out that one individual with whom I can talk to without feeling guilty for imposing my emotions on the people close to me, who right or wrong, may not want to listen to me any longer.  So I guess this morning brought no answers, but assuredly laid the ground work for future discussion.  I think of you guys everyday and pray that we all continue to be a source of understanding and compassion for each other.  As many hugs my little arms can muster and prayers for you all. Take care...Russ 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 6, 2017 at 12:31pm

Dear Marsha,

You always find a story to share that moves and touches me so deeply that I feel very close to you despite the miles separating us. That you can see Ernie's hand in your work with the shelter animals,and how healing and therapeutic your work is for you, gives me such inspiration to seek and find ways to do the same. I am not sure when Steve and I will be able to find a new home  and begin turning a new page of our lives, but when we do I hope I can extend myself to those in need and realize the purpose for which I am still here. It surely isn't just to take up space and air! 

Your story about the darling little boy and his choice of a new doggy friend struck home with me like a bolt of lightning, and here is why. As a young boy I was taken by my father to select a puppy from someone selling a litter of cock-a poos. The Saturday was warm and sunny, and they were outside in a large pen equipped with a raised dog house. As Daddy and the seller prodded me to select a puppy (making sure it was male at my parents' insistence), the puppies all ran to the fence where I stood and jumped all over each other playing and vying for my attention it seemed. All except one, who hid under the house with only his tiny black nose showing. My father pointed to one then another asking the gender, but I wanted to see the one under the house. "Oh, him -" the seller said, "He's the smallest and very very shy, so the others don't play with him. He's always under there, but I'll get him out if you want." As soon as he was placed in my hands I knew he was the one I wanted, and when they both asked me why, I simply said "Because he needs me."

So you see Marsha, the thread of uncanny connection continues between us, as it does between all of us here - your story, and that boy's words brought me back to that day, and made me want to feel that needed and purposeful once more. Thank you for that, and for the countless times you have lifted me and all of us with your gentle way of sharing your life as you navigate your path of grieving and healing. You truly are our chief Angel, and though modesty and decorum may prevent you from recognizing that,  nothing can keep me from seeing and acknowledging the fact.

Much love to you my little sister, and hugs and wishes for a peaceful day -

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 6, 2017 at 12:03pm
Deborah, that was lovely. Thank you for sharing it.
Comment by deborah peck on September 6, 2017 at 11:55am

I'm sending prayers to everyone that is affected by these  we are having and hope and pray everyone gets thru it all okay

Comment by deborah peck on September 6, 2017 at 11:52am

I have to post an experience I had this past weekend, I was having a hard time with the holiday weekend even though it was only a smaller holiday it was just one more that I had to do without my love. I was cleaning off a shelve in my bedroom closet and found an old phone of Gregs, I decided to charge it and after it was charged I went thru it, it had some pics of my our grandkids he had taken, all his contacts and then two videos he had taken at the skatepark with our grandson, what was so great about this was before he passed the phone he had been using had been broken by a nurse at the hospital right after he had his stroke, the phone couldn't be saved and we lost all the info on it, so this phone I found had his voice before the stroke on it and was amazing to hear him talking so good and strong, that night before I went to bed I begged him for a sign that he was near me as I so believe in our loved ones being near us, I was awoken by his voice saying "honey, hun" it was so clear and loud , I believe he aid it that loud so I would wake up and remember that he was calling to me. I had to share this as its amazing to me and hope others can draw strength from this,  thanks for listening Debby

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 6, 2017 at 8:41am

Dear Trina,

Again I must thank you for the sense of peace you have brought me with your thoughtful encouragement and insight into the emotional complexities involved in selling this house and moving. Indeed Steve is my rock and more throughout all this - he has assumed the mantle of confessor/counselor/therapist, and his patience sometimes seems  bottomless. Many times he sits quietly while I begin talking about this or that related to packing and moving, watching calmly as it escalates into a tirade on my part against realtors, unfair laws and financial practices, and life in general. Once I pause long enough in my histrionics to breathe he says in a soothing rational voice "I know this isn't easy for you, but what your are not considering is..." and talks me down to a place where we can discuss where we are in this process and where we want to be. It is those times I am reminded of just what a miracle has occurred in my life, and what a tremendous gift I have been given to spear me from going through this alone.

I do sincerely believe that I was led to the music I posted by Joseph, just as I believe Larry gently whispers into all of your ears at times of my deepest fear and confusion causing you to write just the right words to also talk me down.

That is why I consider this more than a web site - much more. This is a holy place to me, and no matter our different faiths, backgrounds, or situations, we are all under the watchful and protective love of our loved ones, our Creator, and each other.

I am equally confident that as the days pass and you continue on your beautifully designed path of charity and compassionate works in honor of Joseph, you will find a growing peace in your heart allowing you to offer so abundant comfort and support to all those whose lives you touch  as you have touched mine.

So again I say God bless you Trina, and God bless us all,and bring us peace today, especially those of us so fresh and lost in our grieving.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 6, 2017 at 7:50am

Dearest Sara,

You never fail to say something that exemplifies to us all what a loving caring person you truly are, and how fortunate Ken was and is to have you and your eternal love. I am equally confident that he was very deserving of your love.

From the first time we decided that we would begin talking about what was developing between us, Steve and I have felt your understanding and support along with so many others in the family. We feel it still, and as this very challenging matter of selling Larry's and my home progresses, again I feel your encouragement and compassion giving me strength and calming me.

I said a while ago I would write about the very first time Steve and I actually met face to face, but never actually did. Your kind words have now prompted me to do so, and when I post it please know that I dedicate it to you, because you will never know the countless times you have brought me peace and lessened my pain just by being the friend you are to me, and to us all.

God bless you, Sara, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on September 6, 2017 at 4:32am

Dearest Trina ...  Thank you for the kind words and it too came on a day when I really needed to hear those words.  I was second-guessing what use I was in this world.  Just one of those days.  You made me smile and gave me more strength to go on.

Remember my dear friend Joseph's heart beats within yours and his spirit is also right there beside you.  You will never fail, you have the making of a great and wonderful young woman and Joseph has prepared you for all of this and more.  He saw it in you as you saw his strength. 

I am so very proud of you for the wonderful works you do and again, you are an angel of light in more people's lives than you will ever know.  You have always been there for myself and others even through your own grief and heartache and brought hope not only to yourself, but to all of us on Legacy. 

Like you, I reach out to others and I was having a very bad week two weeks ago.  I was questioning why I was even here as I felt lonely and dejected and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to make things better. Then I went to help adopt dogs out on that Sunday.  We had about 10 dogs and one was a small black little terrier with only 3 legs, but got around very well.  A young boy about 10 years old came with his father to adopt a dog.  The father took me to the side and explained that when the boy's grandfather passed away a month ago his son got terrible panic attacks and withdrew.  I looked into the little netted buggy the boy was pushing around the store and he was popping toys into the buggy.  When I looked closer I saw a little black dog and I began to talk to this little boy.   I told him I was so happy that he had found the dog he really wanted and with big, brown eyes this little boy looked at me and said such profound words that shook me to my very core, 'You see, he needs me as much as I need him.'  Just very simple to the point words, but it brought tears to my eyes.  This is when I realized I was doing good work and making others happy and also, the little boy made me realize we must reach out with our hearts and kindness to those that need us whether human or animal.  I am sure God was sending me a message to look at the smaller things in life instead of the big picture we face day to day.  I also believe Ernie left me heart strong, his spirit beside me egging me on to continue in life and giving of myself even more than I always have.  It's a great feeling! 

God has blessed us with so many things if we slow down and use our 5 senses; sight, sound, smell, taste.  We are all so very fortunate to be able to do that no matter what condition we are in. 

I wish you blessings Trina, strong of heart, feel Joseph's spirit next to you always and keep on doing your good works.

Blessings

Marsha 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 6, 2017 at 3:39am

Dear Chuck,

How often have I shed tears reading your posts, and I did it again. You have a way with words; they are always moving, wise, and poetic. I had been away from Legacy and didn't realize that you are going through some challenging times: selling your home. I did that in August 2016. It was an excruciatingly painful experience for me. I hope that the experience will be less difficult for you with Steve by your side. Steve will be your rock as you take this huge step.

And thank you very much for saying "God bless you" to me. Many people do not like to say it or hear it between people of different faiths. It was comforting to hear those words from you. I, too, say God bless you, Chuck, as you navigate your path through another uncharted territory of selling your home. I am confident that you will make the transition with courage and strength with Steve there to lean on.

Please know that you will always remain a friend to me whether I post on Legacy or not. Sometimes I lack the energy, mental and physical, to read and to post, but Legacy will always remain my family, the family that saw me through the roughest of times. I remain grateful to all our Legacy family for the moral support, compassion, and love that I have found here.

Sending you and Steve much love at this phase of your journey together.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 6, 2017 at 3:33am

Dear Sara,

Thank you for reaffirming for me that signs are significant. I, too, believe in signs, and believe firmly that our departed loved ones find ways of communicating with us through signs. So yes, indeed, it was Joseph who helped Chuck find the song that was so meaningful for me. That was a sign from Joseph telling me that he is right there next to me. And Chuck being as insightful as he is, he picked up on it.

It's been a year and a half for you, so your sense of loss is still relatively fresh and raw. I send you my prayers for healing and peace. Hope that each new day brings some measure of peace, a little ray of comfort and strength as you walk through your journey of loss and pain. Hang in there, my friend and take good care of yourself.

Love, Trina

 

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