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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 12, 2017 at 4:13pm

Want to share this with you guys...I was just watching Dr. Phil who was interviewing Sinead O' Connor who from watching the show has had a very traumatic life and is in the throws of mental illness.  It was very sad and at the same time very informative because even though on a totally different subject she related a lot of feelings that she has felt that I could relate to.  At one point she said something that was like someone hit me in the back of the head with a sledge hammer because it rang so true for me. In trying to explain how her mental illness has made her feel she said, "As soon as my eyes open in the morning and my feet hit the floor, it feels like I'm walking into a room of thousands of people and I'm screaming as loud as I have ever screamed, and not a single person hears me". Wow...this is me and I don't feel like I'm screaming the same thing; I guess it depends where my thoughts are on any given day.  But I think in a nutshell what I'm trying to scream is, " Will anyone listen to me; instead of playing like you don't want to hear it or changing the subject because you feel I'm being ridiculous after 2 years still dwelling on my partners death". I think I may know what is going to be the topic of my next therapy session...LOL...Isn't it strange how God works...Watching Dr. Phil and without any expectation of such, get thrown at you something that was really bothering you, but you never wanted to allow yourself to dwell on. How in the world do you let the family and friends who love you hear what you are screaming? 

Comment by Marsha H on September 12, 2017 at 4:07pm

Michael ...  We all fear if we are lucky enough to have someone once again in our life that we have many happy years and after the experience of already losing a beloved spouse it's normal to worry for awhile about the 'what if's' and you already realize we never know what will happen, but it's a chance one should take if they get the opportunity.  Live life, grab it by throat, laugh, have fun, love each other and eventually these fears will subside.  I am so very happy for you that you have found another to be in your life.  You deserve it.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 12, 2017 at 4:02pm

Deborah ...  Volunteering at the dog shelter has given me purpose in life.  It's just the fact one is making a difference. We can't save the world, but we can choose something and make a huge difference.  I live in a town where it seems almost everyone has a dog and you meet many nice people this way while walking your own dogs.  Last Sunday when we were adopting out dogs the lady who owns the shelter is having a video done of all of us volunteers doing what we do and it's going to be on Facebook so will let you know when it is.

I hope your days are more peaceful my dear friend.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 12, 2017 at 3:57pm

Mary.Jane ...  Thank you for the compliment.  The photo was taken in 1976.  Oh boy, can't believe how the years have passed.  Now that I'm older the time passes even more quickly.

Comment by Marsha H on September 12, 2017 at 3:54pm

Dear Deborah ...  you brought me to tears.  I won't even say I can begin to imagine having two spouses passing away on you.  You are so right in saying that each illness that ends in death is so different.  Life just doesn't seem to be fair to many.

I've told the story of Ernie who was in hospice for 24 hours and the nurses didn't alert me long before they should of that he was dying and by the time they phoned me and I rushed to hospice he had passed away which broke my heart as we always were there for each other.  Like you I laid with him on the bed and when the doctor came in held Ernie's hand.  I was in shock and I realize you know that feeling only too well.  It seems our brain just goes to another place.  I was angry for quite sometime after that as I had wanted Ernie home so I could look after him along with nursing help and that he was surrounded by family and friends that wanted to be here.  He never got that chance because of the surgeon refusing to release him until I fought the fight and by then it was too late. 

I admire you for being so very candid with your life's story and I wish I was there to give you a huge hug.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 12, 2017 at 3:19pm

Michael you touched on the one major reason why , even though I feel I want to love again, I may not allow that to happen. How in God's scheme of things can one even think about having to go through this again by losing another person who filled the chasm but in turns ends up leaving you with a larger chasm.  While I say this I think I've already made this decision.  God has blessed me with a heart that needs to love and while maintaining a place for Ray in my heart that will never leave, I know there is still more room for someone special to bring me purpose, direction and happiness and simply instill in me the will to get up in the morning and live again.

Comment by deborah peck on September 12, 2017 at 2:23pm

Dear Russ, yes it was hard to give my story but I too feel like I have found people that  understand .What you said is so true about people giving advice or  saying they understand when there is no way possible for them to just like all of us have an understanding of what everyone is going thru but we truly don't understand what everyone is feeling as we are not them and they are not us. Everyone grieves their own way and own time. My niece and nephew lost a child 2 years ago and they would ask me a lot of questions about grieving and when it would end I told them that I was sorry but it never did, you just learn to deal with it and day by day you would find yourself smiling more and crying less but you would always have days where it seemed like it just happened, so I guess what I'm trying to say is everyone is different so only you will know when the time is right for  you to truly begin your new life and venture back out into society, whether that means dating or making new friends .I pray it is soon for you so your loneliness eases up, that is horrible feeling that way.  love Debbie

Comment by Michael Smith on September 12, 2017 at 2:20pm

thank you Deborah

Comment by deborah peck on September 12, 2017 at 2:11pm

Dear Mike,  I understand your fear but you have found love again and that is what your wife would of  wanted for you to happy and live your life to the fullest, as my husband said not one of us knows what the future will hold. I am so happy for you , now go enjoy your new beginning  Debbie

Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 12, 2017 at 1:24pm

Deborah thanks for your courage in sharing your story with us. Of course I cried and related albeit in a different way, to what you have experienced with love and loss. All our stories are somewhat different but universally connect through the love we have loss and our journeys since. I had lunch this past Sunday with my brother and his partner this past Sunday and of course the story eventually turned toward me and how I was doing. I knw this sounds horrible, and I know their intentions are honorable and out of love, but I'm just getting tired of the platitudes and the pat sayings. Fr instance, "No, you don't knw exactly how I feel" and "no it might not get much better with time". I remember so well, that in my younger days one of my close friends was black and within the context of a conversation about racism and I passed te comment, "I know how you must feel" I had never experienced a person so incensed by something I said and my immediate reaction was, what a fricking ingrate" and then I later thought about it and fully understood how I had offended him. I really don't know why I'm saying this unless I'm trying to say that in most instances I would so much prefer a long and tight hug as oppose to some of the things I'm told out of a place of love and concern but in most cases having an adverse affect.  I guess I've been on the site for about 3 or 4 weeks now and It has been so comforting to hear all o you guys experiences and knowing I'm not going bat shit crazy by some of the things I think and say sometimes. So I guess when we need to we all know we can all come here and not be judged for whatever we feel the need to get off our chest or just to say, "guys today sucks and I just want to go to bed and hopefully it will be better in the morning.  AS I've said in a previous comment here I don't just want to be a taker here, I want to hopefully contribute to some of you guy's journeys. Everyone has read and discussed all the stages of grief, for me I am literally being destroyed by loneliness and everyone says you need to get out more or maybe you should volunteer.  When I even to attempt this sort of thing My mind then goes on time warp and I feel the things I'm doing are contrived to please the people around me in letting them know I'm getting out rather than doing something because it brings me happiness.  Sorry guys I guess I had something to say today.  When I stared out I wasn't planning on such a diatribe. As always, major hugs to all of you and always know I'm here if you need/want to talk/vent. 

 

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