Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 2 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Kaela Roster. Last reply by Sara Murphy 5 hours ago.
Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12.
Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22.
I think people ask how you are doing just because they feel like that is what they are supposed to do, but I too hate it and iff you tell them the truth most would probably change the subject. My sister text me every morning asking how I am, my reply is always I'm fine until the last time I wrote back a long reply and she hasn't asked since, now we are so very close but it was too much for even her to hear I think those that love us ask because if they could fix it they would but its out of their capability to understand. I have said before I have friends and family that really want to hear and then the ones that just ask. My neighbor that I don't know came up to me and asked if Greg had passed and then gave me a hug, it was very awkward since I don't know her and of course I cried as I seem to do when someone hugs me so I left feeling totally embarrassed so I have found myself avoiding friends ,if I see them while I'm out I go the other way just seems to be easier. So it sounds like everyone is dealing with feeling like the outcast amongst people
Woke up this morning crying, something I haven't done, I was dreaming about being at a funeral, it wasn't my Gregs but people kept coming up tp me telling me how sorry they were, was very confusing and totally set the tone for this morning. Ughh
Morning Chuck; I was just sending you a reply and I hit something and my draft disappeared; I don't know if it was sent or not. Thank you for your note to me and your kind words. When I hear fro people like you I wish you were in my living room so I could personally share what's in my heart and listen to what's in yours. I know crazy, but I just have such an extreme need to talk about it and listen to others. As is said on the site frequently, a lot of us find comfort in knowing what we are feeling is not atypical and is felt by a lot of people going through this rough journey. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the best in your journey. Thanks again for being here. Have a great day and keep on keeping on....Hugs
I so understand the way you feel about shouting in a crowded room and not being heard. I didn't see the interview you site, but saw excerpts and applaud her for her candid baring of her soul about this subject.
The way people act uncomfortable and nervous around me as a grieving husband in turn makes me nervous and uncomfortable - a situation that results in my avoiding being around them - this probably only results in a self-imposed isolation and deepens their confusion about how to approach me.
As a teenager I went through a very serious depression which included a suicide attempt. I was hospitalized and treated with various forms of therapy and medication that continued after my release. Nobody around me knew how to act or what to say regarding what was going on with me – their unfamiliarity and pre-formed assumptions regarding my illness prevented them from relaxing and being themselves around me. The more artificial and forced their smiles and conversation became, the more bizarre I must have seemed to them when I wouldn’t “play along” and “act normal”. It seemed after I lost Larry that I was back in that situation of being the inconvenient person that made everybody uncomfortable.
You would think I would by now have come to terms with the fact that not all people are sensitive or compassionate, and that not all friends are truly friends - that's the one that really gets to me.
I don't really have anything to offer except that I hear you loud and clear, and like Sara, hearing these things from my family here honestly helps me to believe that I am not alone in my questioning my sanity.
Peace to you today Russ, and I am so glad you are letting us all be a family who do hear you loud and clear.
I know you posted a song a while back, and I was distracted by other things and put off playing it, now I am not sure where the link is - but thank you anyway...maybe later i will hunt through past posts and find it.
Your quick automatic reply to people who ask the common question made me smile, as I of course was and still am asked the same thing. I get that they don't know what else to say, and maybe it is less than charitable for me to do this. but I have a very dark and sarcastic streak in me. I started answering in a very normal conversational tone things like "Oh, I decided yesterday against jumping off the roof, because if the mess it would leave for someone to clean up on the patio - and besides, I might survive and be a bigger problem for everyone to deal with than I am now." Naturally this left the questioner looking stunned and stammering for words as they tried to decide idif they should laugh at my joke or wondered if I was serious and should be under suicide watch. Their discomfort actually was what I was looking for as if I was punishing them for asking. I see that it was mean and probably some analyst could fill pages with the reasons behind my cruelty. Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn. I still get those knee-jerk reactions but try to take a breath before blurting such things out anymore. I usually succeed.
I know how much you wish for and deserve finding a gentleman friend to alleviate your solitude, and I pray for that for you - the person who finds you will be lucky indeed!
Have a peaceful and productive day my friend, and know I think of you every day -
Dear Deborah ... Thank you for sending me love to find that right person. It isn't easy and others that haven't lost a spouse have no idea that there isn't just heart-breaking grief, but a lot of loneliness no matter how large the family is or how many friends you have. I detest faking it with some people, but they ask, 'How are you doing' it's out of simply something to say and they just don't want to hear anything else, but, 'I'm doing fine.' Now I say it like it is in one short sentence and then change the subject. We loved our spouses deeply and they will be in our hearts until the day we die. That doesn't mean you can't love another and here is hoping.
Hugs to you my friend and may you have peaceful days ahead.
Russ......I feel as you do about the "stupid" things people say in an attempt to help/make us feel better. To me, I feel like they think saying these things is like waving a magic wand and poof, I'm all better. It's becoming intolerable to me so I've begun replying back in ways that make them realize they're not helping. For instance, I'm tired of people telling me Ken wouldn't want me to feel this way and be sad. I'll reply back that Ken not wanting me to feel this way doesn't change the fact that I do. People really can't understand the depth of this grief if they haven't experienced it which is why I'm grateful for my Legacy family. It's helpful to me when I see other people type the same things that are in my head and what I'm feeling, It makes me feel normal. Before I found Legacy, I wondered what was wrong with me. I'm glad you posted what you did because if reaffirms that I'm not "bat shit crazy" for feeling as I do and neither are you.
Debby.......Thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for you and for Greg. My husband, Ken, had a long complicated medical history. I won't type it all out now but I can relate to the pain and anxiety you felt watching him decline. One of the worst things in the world is watching the person you love most suffer and not be able to do a thing about it. I am happy you got to lay in bed with him when he passed. I always thought I would be laying next to Ken, holding him when he took his last breath but it didn't work out that way. He literally died in a second. He had been in the hospital for a month by this time and I turned to move a chair as he got back into bed. We were having a conversation and in the second it took me to move that chair, he went into cardiac arrest. I'll forever feel cheated that I didn't get to hold him.
It makes sense that your grief is different this time around because both husbands were very different people at different stages of life. You had different experiences with each so your grief would be different. The pain of loss is not easier the second time so please don't put pressure on yourself or feel like you should "deal with it" better.
Sending you a hug,
There is so much I want to say to you that I don't know how to start - and I don't want to overwhelm you either with a lot of my own "stuff", because I don't think that would help. Your choosing this time, at 4 months into your loss of Greg, to open up to us all is courageous, generous, and a remarkable showing of how you feel safe here. Is it any wonder I consider this a family?
Your experiences with both your husbands leaves me without words to say how sorry I am that you have had such sorrow in your life. Through all that, you have already reached out to myself and others here who have expressed our grief with love and understanding. Thank you so much for that.
What you said to your niece and nephew after they lost their child is so true - our grief has no end, but does go through cycles and changes that don't necessarily conform to any charts or studies. Shortly after losing Larry someone urged me to look up and study the stages I would go through, and when I reached a certain stage they would be available to step in and aid with practical matters and decisions. I remember sitting there looking at them as is if I had never seen them before - I didn't reply because I was somewhere between thinking they were surely joking, and wanting to slap them silly.
I am a movie buff, and a line in one of my favorites comes from a scene where a mother councils her freshly bereaved son on grief. She says her grief for his father is like a stone - at first it is large and heavy and she can't put it down so carries it all day every day, and that it is exhausting. Eventually it gets a bit smaller and smaller, until it is something she can put in her pocket. Every day she puts it there and carries it around and nobody knows it's there but her. Each night she puts it on the table next to the bed, and every morning she picks it up again. She said eventually you get used to it, it becomes a part of you. But, she cautions him...it never goes away.
Debbie, I fear you are carrying two rocks around, and I'm sure the weight gets very draining to the point of being debilitating some days. I hope you will always feel the love we have for you here, and find strength in sharing, just as you have offered strength to me and everyone.
Wishing you peace tonight, and that tomorrow is a little better and easier for you -
I am so sorry Russ that you cant go to your family with your feelings, after my 1st husband died until this husband died I still had my cries for mainly what could of been even though I loved Greg I always questioned what could of been. There is no time limit on your pain, this person will forever have a part of you, Marsha I wish you much love on finding someone in your future, but you are right, I have friends I can tell how I'm feeling and some that I have to pretend with , this is the only place I can say what I feel, love to all and wish you much future happiness and love...... Debbie
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