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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1337
Latest Conversations: 9 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 10 hours ago. 22 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Steve on September 13, 2017 at 1:24pm

Russ,

Members come and go, I myself can count about 15 that no longer post since my joining in 2015, however, I do believe the number of members includes all of the various sites within Legacy.  There are comment walls for every type of grief, parents that have lost a child, children that have lost a parent, loss of a sibling and so on.

Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 13, 2017 at 12:56pm

Hey guys; I was wondering about something...the site says there are 1336 members but it seems there are just a handful of us who are commenting.  Is it that I'm not accessing the sites full potential and there are conversations that go on other areas or is it that most just join the site to get comfort from what others are saying? Just curious... 

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 13, 2017 at 11:34am

Chuck.......I got a chuckle out of your response about jumping off a roof just to see their expressions.  I happen to like that dark streak so don't lose it.  I too like to make people uncomfortable when they ask stupid questions.  If only they could read this wall so they realize it's not just me who feels this way.  I often wonder how disappointed Ken is in his friends, the people he thought would be here for me.  I also wonder if I'm wrong for having expected more.  I don't think so because I sense that same feeling from everyone here. 

Love,

Sara

Comment by deborah peck on September 13, 2017 at 10:16am

I think people ask how you are doing just because they feel like that is what they are supposed to do, but I too hate it and iff you tell them the truth most would probably change the subject. My sister text me every morning asking how I am, my reply is always I'm fine until the last time I wrote back a long reply and she hasn't asked since, now we are so very close but it was too much for even her to hear I think those that love us ask because if they could fix it they would but its out of their capability to understand. I have said before I have friends and family that really want to hear and then the ones that just ask. My neighbor that I don't know came up to me and asked if Greg had passed and then gave me a hug, it was very awkward since I don't know her and of course I cried as I seem to do when someone hugs me so I left feeling totally embarrassed  so I have found myself avoiding friends ,if I see them while I'm out I go the other way just seems to be easier. So it sounds like everyone is dealing with feeling like the outcast amongst  people

Comment by deborah peck on September 13, 2017 at 10:02am

Woke up this morning crying, something I haven't done, I was dreaming about being at a funeral, it wasn't my Gregs but people kept coming up tp me telling me how sorry they were, was very confusing and totally set the tone for this morning. Ughh

Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 13, 2017 at 8:26am

Morning Chuck; I was just sending you a reply and I hit something and my draft disappeared; I don't know if it was sent or not.  Thank you for your note to me and your kind words.  When I hear fro people like you I wish you were in my living room so I could personally share what's in my heart and listen to what's in yours.  I know crazy, but I just have such an extreme need to talk about it and listen to others. As is said on the site frequently, a lot of us find comfort in knowing what we are feeling is not atypical and is felt by a lot of people going through this rough journey.  My thoughts are with you and I wish you the best in your journey.  Thanks again for being here.  Have a great day and keep on keeping on....Hugs 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 13, 2017 at 8:08am

Dear Russ,

I so understand the way you feel about shouting in a crowded room and not being heard. I didn't see the interview you site, but saw excerpts and applaud her for her candid baring of her soul about this subject.

The way people act uncomfortable and nervous around me as a grieving husband in turn makes me nervous and uncomfortable - a situation that results in my avoiding being around them - this probably only results in a self-imposed isolation and deepens their confusion about how to approach me. 

As a teenager I went through a very serious depression which included a suicide attempt. I was hospitalized and treated with various forms of therapy and medication that continued after my release. Nobody around me knew how to act or what to say regarding what was going on with me – their unfamiliarity and pre-formed assumptions regarding my illness prevented them from relaxing and being themselves around me. The more artificial and forced their smiles and conversation became, the more bizarre I must have seemed to them when I wouldn’t “play along” and “act normal”. It seemed after I lost Larry that I was back in that situation of being the inconvenient person that made everybody uncomfortable.   

   You would think I would by now have come to terms with the fact that not all people are sensitive or compassionate, and that not all friends are truly friends - that's the one that really gets to me.

I don't really have anything to offer except that I hear you loud and clear, and like Sara, hearing these things from my family here honestly helps me to believe that I am not alone in my questioning my sanity.

Peace to you today Russ, and I am so glad you are letting us all be a family who do hear you loud and clear.

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 13, 2017 at 6:58am

Dear Marsha,

I know you posted a song a while back, and I was distracted by other things and put off playing it, now I am not sure where the link is - but thank you anyway...maybe later i will hunt through past posts and find it.

Your quick automatic reply to people who ask the common question made me smile, as I of course was and still am asked the same thing. I get that they don't know what else to say, and maybe it is less than charitable for me to do this. but I have a very dark and sarcastic streak in me. I started answering in a very normal conversational tone things like "Oh, I decided yesterday against jumping off the roof, because if the mess it would leave for someone to clean up on the patio - and besides, I might survive and be a bigger problem for everyone to deal with than I am now." Naturally this left the questioner looking stunned and stammering for words as they tried to decide idif they should laugh at my joke or wondered if I was serious and should be under suicide watch. Their discomfort actually was what I was looking for as if I was punishing them for asking. I see that it was mean and probably some analyst could fill pages with the reasons behind my cruelty. Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn. I still get those knee-jerk reactions but try to take a breath before blurting such things out anymore. I usually succeed.

I know how much you wish for and deserve finding a gentleman friend to alleviate your solitude, and I pray for that for you - the person who finds you will be lucky indeed!

Have a peaceful and productive day my friend, and know I think of you every day -

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2017 at 3:35am

Dear Deborah ...  Thank you for sending me love to find that right person.  It isn't easy and others that haven't lost a spouse have no idea that there isn't just heart-breaking grief, but a lot of loneliness no matter how large the family is or how many friends you have.  I detest faking it with some people, but they ask, 'How are you doing' it's out of simply something to say and they just don't want to hear anything else, but, 'I'm doing fine.'  Now I say it like it is in one short sentence and then change the subject.  We loved our spouses deeply and they will be in our hearts until the day we die.  That doesn't mean you can't love another and here is hoping.

Hugs to you my friend and may you have peaceful days ahead.

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 12, 2017 at 10:13pm

Russ......I feel as you do about the "stupid" things people say in an attempt to help/make us feel better.  To me, I feel like they think saying these things is like waving a magic wand and poof, I'm all better.  It's becoming intolerable to me so I've begun replying back in ways that make them realize they're not helping.   For instance, I'm tired of people telling me Ken wouldn't want me to feel this way and be sad.  I'll reply back that Ken not wanting me to feel this way doesn't change the fact that I do.  People really can't understand the depth of this grief if they haven't experienced it which is why I'm grateful for my Legacy family.  It's helpful to me when I see other people type the same things that are in my head and what I'm feeling,  It makes me feel normal.  Before I found Legacy, I wondered what was wrong with me.   I'm glad you posted what you did because if reaffirms that I'm not "bat shit crazy" for feeling as I do and neither are you. 

 

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