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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1338
Latest Conversations: 2 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster. Last reply by Sara Murphy 5 hours ago. 16 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2017 at 3:47pm

Deborah ...  Sorry to hear you are having strange dreams, but honestly it's very common.  I went through that myself.  I had recurring dreams of being with many people, but didn't recognize them and all I felt like doing was running and hiding.  I finally figured out it was the brains way of dealing with the every day stress of grief and also in those dreams all the fears I had during each day manifested in the dream and I simply wanted to run away and hide.  Believe it or not these dreams can help so don't worry too much about it my friend as they do go away eventually.

Hugs

Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2017 at 3:41pm

Dear Deborah ...  You are so right that when people ask how we are doing that they really don't want to know and hope we say, 'I'm doing fine.'  I stopped doing that at the beginning of my grief and simply said, 'I'm hanging in there, but it's tough!'  The one sentence that is burned into my brain and I detest is, 'I am so proud of you, you're so strong!'  No, I'm not strong and limping through this horrible grief although it's getting easier.  We will always love our spouses and every so often it just 'hits' like a 2 x 4 slamming at you and it even surprises me at times. 

In the 6 1/2 years of Ernie's passing and researching grief I am slowly finding answers as to why some people either ignore us, don't think the same about us since our spouses have passed away and it comes down to the fact we've changed!  They want us back the way we use to be when our spouses were alive, but we can't do that and have to go through the grieving process and then try to reinvent our future.  It's not an easy task.  I also feel that friends when they see us or we bump into them look at us and remember their own mortality and become fearful.  I just tell the truth to family and friends when appropriate and sometimes they understand and other time they don't.  I've just had to learn to live with it, but I'll be damned if I'm going to walk away so my friend don't walk away from a friend you may meet when you are out.  Keep it simple when they ask how you are doing, 'I'm OK, but it's difficult.'  That gives them the opportunity to either continue the conversation or, you can move on to other subjects.  That's why we have Legacy where we can truly let our frustrations and not be judged.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2017 at 3:31pm

Steve ...  that was such a great post and we all come here because we're all in the same boat.  Many of us feel we're going crazy or can't make it without our spouses.  Here, on this forum we can express ourselves without judgment.  This forum has saved my life!  I have also made many good friends such as yourself and Chuck (my brothers) and I am in contact with many by email (some who once were here and a few new members.)  I find it comforting and I feel so fortunate to have each one in my life even though we are miles apart, but the heart knows no distance.  I think it's wonderful you are on Facebook and there you have it, people begin to understand a little.  I try often to be patient and in some ways teach those who have not lost a spouse or loved one to learn and that's what we are all about.

I'm so very proud of you big brother.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2017 at 3:25pm

Hi Russ ...  There are other groups on Legacy:  Suicide, Murder, death of parents, relatives, etc., so yes, there are many members on here.  As far as loss of spouse people come to get advice, to feel like they aren't alone and after so long they begin to get on with their life.  Some come back and pop in to see how others are doing.  I joined in 2011 shortly after Ernie passed away, but I felt I needed to keep coming back every so often to help where I could and let others know there is hope for a new future.  Also, some days are rough for me and this family (new or old members) often help me get through the rough days.  This is the best forum I have ever come across.  We always like to hear from members that are getting on with their lives and it's encouraging to us all.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on September 13, 2017 at 2:15pm

Dear Steve, whay a great outlet and what a great way to let everyone know your feelings, what is it about this site that makes it easy to write our feelings, before I found this I was writing all my feelings on facebook until I looked back and saw that it wasn't what I should  be doing, I sounded like a crazy person, so a blog is such a good idea. I'm glad that you can see your progress, that is so good to here,    Debbie

Comment by Steve on September 13, 2017 at 1:55pm

Over the past few years (coming up on my 3rd year anniversary of Mark's passing) I have ranted, vented, reflected and read everyone's post.  Sometimes when I would read posts I would say to myself, wow, when will I feel that way, how much longer does this go on, when will I stop crying and lamenting my loss over and over again.  I was convinced that nothing was helping me, and yet as I scroll through my previous posts I can see a difference from week to week and I wonder, how is this possible that I see this now and not a year ago.  The answer now is not as important as I thought it should be.  I was doing things and posting openly about my past from my childhood forward and by doing this, for me, that was my help, talking about everything that popped into my brain ended up here and everyone was patient and extended a loving hand, shoulder and hugs all the while I was convinced that I was going mad.  Earlier this year I started writing about all the past brushes with grief I have experienced growing up leading up to loosing Mark.  I endured the loss of my mother at age 5 months, the loss of my grandmother and grandfather who raised me, the loss of my dear sister, the tragic accident that took my father and stepmother, the loss of my first partner a few years after we broke away from each other and finally the loss of Mark.  I mention these losses because I have been struggling with each and everyone of them in different ways, immediately after Mark's passing.  The writing of short stories about each one is helping and healing those long forgotten wounds.  As I write about them all my memories are stirred up and I cry and I fell better and I write more.  As painful as it is to dredge up these memories the more important for me to do. This past week I decided to share my stories on Face Book by creating my own blog page.  Does not matter if anyone reads them, however, a lot of my family are starting to and the feed back most often is "I didn't know this", or "this explains a lot...so I will continue.  Thank you for listening once again, love to all.

Comment by deborah peck on September 13, 2017 at 1:55pm

I was wondering the same thing

Comment by Steve on September 13, 2017 at 1:24pm

Russ,

Members come and go, I myself can count about 15 that no longer post since my joining in 2015, however, I do believe the number of members includes all of the various sites within Legacy.  There are comment walls for every type of grief, parents that have lost a child, children that have lost a parent, loss of a sibling and so on.

Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 13, 2017 at 12:56pm

Hey guys; I was wondering about something...the site says there are 1336 members but it seems there are just a handful of us who are commenting.  Is it that I'm not accessing the sites full potential and there are conversations that go on other areas or is it that most just join the site to get comfort from what others are saying? Just curious... 

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 13, 2017 at 11:34am

Chuck.......I got a chuckle out of your response about jumping off a roof just to see their expressions.  I happen to like that dark streak so don't lose it.  I too like to make people uncomfortable when they ask stupid questions.  If only they could read this wall so they realize it's not just me who feels this way.  I often wonder how disappointed Ken is in his friends, the people he thought would be here for me.  I also wonder if I'm wrong for having expected more.  I don't think so because I sense that same feeling from everyone here. 

Love,

Sara

 

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