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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1337
Latest Conversations: 9 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 10 hours ago. 22 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on September 12, 2017 at 2:23pm

Dear Russ, yes it was hard to give my story but I too feel like I have found people that  understand .What you said is so true about people giving advice or  saying they understand when there is no way possible for them to just like all of us have an understanding of what everyone is going thru but we truly don't understand what everyone is feeling as we are not them and they are not us. Everyone grieves their own way and own time. My niece and nephew lost a child 2 years ago and they would ask me a lot of questions about grieving and when it would end I told them that I was sorry but it never did, you just learn to deal with it and day by day you would find yourself smiling more and crying less but you would always have days where it seemed like it just happened, so I guess what I'm trying to say is everyone is different so only you will know when the time is right for  you to truly begin your new life and venture back out into society, whether that means dating or making new friends .I pray it is soon for you so your loneliness eases up, that is horrible feeling that way.  love Debbie

Comment by Michael Smith on September 12, 2017 at 2:20pm

thank you Deborah

Comment by deborah peck on September 12, 2017 at 2:11pm

Dear Mike,  I understand your fear but you have found love again and that is what your wife would of  wanted for you to happy and live your life to the fullest, as my husband said not one of us knows what the future will hold. I am so happy for you , now go enjoy your new beginning  Debbie

Comment by Russ Macaluso on September 12, 2017 at 1:24pm

Deborah thanks for your courage in sharing your story with us. Of course I cried and related albeit in a different way, to what you have experienced with love and loss. All our stories are somewhat different but universally connect through the love we have loss and our journeys since. I had lunch this past Sunday with my brother and his partner this past Sunday and of course the story eventually turned toward me and how I was doing. I knw this sounds horrible, and I know their intentions are honorable and out of love, but I'm just getting tired of the platitudes and the pat sayings. Fr instance, "No, you don't knw exactly how I feel" and "no it might not get much better with time". I remember so well, that in my younger days one of my close friends was black and within the context of a conversation about racism and I passed te comment, "I know how you must feel" I had never experienced a person so incensed by something I said and my immediate reaction was, what a fricking ingrate" and then I later thought about it and fully understood how I had offended him. I really don't know why I'm saying this unless I'm trying to say that in most instances I would so much prefer a long and tight hug as oppose to some of the things I'm told out of a place of love and concern but in most cases having an adverse affect.  I guess I've been on the site for about 3 or 4 weeks now and It has been so comforting to hear all o you guys experiences and knowing I'm not going bat shit crazy by some of the things I think and say sometimes. So I guess when we need to we all know we can all come here and not be judged for whatever we feel the need to get off our chest or just to say, "guys today sucks and I just want to go to bed and hopefully it will be better in the morning.  AS I've said in a previous comment here I don't just want to be a taker here, I want to hopefully contribute to some of you guy's journeys. Everyone has read and discussed all the stages of grief, for me I am literally being destroyed by loneliness and everyone says you need to get out more or maybe you should volunteer.  When I even to attempt this sort of thing My mind then goes on time warp and I feel the things I'm doing are contrived to please the people around me in letting them know I'm getting out rather than doing something because it brings me happiness.  Sorry guys I guess I had something to say today.  When I stared out I wasn't planning on such a diatribe. As always, major hugs to all of you and always know I'm here if you need/want to talk/vent. 

Comment by Michael Smith on September 12, 2017 at 12:37pm

Deborah,

Your story brought me to tears. I myself have spent many hours worrying about the what if's. what if Jodi gets sick and is unable to recover. I know I will be at her side until the end but not sure I would make it through that again. I pray that we have a long life together, but i also know that nothing is guaranteed. You have known great love and greater sorrow. stay strong my friend.

Hugs,

mike

Comment by deborah peck on September 12, 2017 at 11:18am

I decided to tell my story , so just bear with me as I give you my life in a few paragraphs . I met my 1st husband Rob when I was 17, was with a friend at a family pool room, had never seen him before but told my friend that I was going to marry him, even though I had yet to talk to hi, well he came over and introduced himself and as the say, the rest is history, a month later we married and went on to have 3 beautiful daughters. he did time in the army until he got hurt and was medically discharged and was now partially paralyzed, we still had a good life and were raising our daughters when the night of aug13th he was sick and kept going to the bathroom, the last time he came back laid in bed and kinda sighed, I told him I loved him and went to sleep, little did I know that was his last breath, I woke up and new withought even looking at him that he had died, from there as you all know it was a nightmare I was 31 ,he was 36. My youngest was only 7. My girls and I went on and built a life and 3 years later I met my future husband Greg, he was the 1st and only man I had dated after Rob died. I worked in the UAW credit union ,he worked at Ford, he kept asking for my phone number and I kept saying no till finally he took a piece of paper and told me to write it down I did and we dated for about a year before we got married, he was great with my girls or now they were our girls, We had so many adventures and laughed a lot and loved each other, he was so funny and always pulling pranks. then on Jan 30 2017 the day I came home from having reconstruction surgery for cancer I heard our 2 year old grandson crying so asked him to get up and check on him, he sat on the side of the bed and fell back, he wasn't breathing, I called our daughter who is a nurse and an ambulance, by then he was breathing again and alert, on the way to the hosp he had a massive stroke, they didn't hold out hope he would survive but we did and he did but was left with swallowing issues and trouble with his speech so after time at rehab he came  home and we began our new life, rehab every day and at home too, he worked so hard every day to get better and wanted nothing more then to eat and drink normal food again, everything had to be thickened. during this time he had pneumonia all the time he kept aspirating his food and drink he caught the flu and little did I know he was swallowing his vomit, on May 5th he could hardly breath so called ambulance and he had to be put on a vent and was septic. they took the vent out but the damage was done, he could no longer even swallow his own saliva without chocking and was mostly out of it so the doctors said I had to make a decision to either put a tube in his stomache for feeding or allow him to eat knowing he would die, so he started waking up a little once in awhile and was soo mad they wouldn't feed him, we tried to explain but he didn't understand, so was mad at everyone, on May10th he awoke in a perfect state of mind, wanted to tell the doctor he wanted to eat, he said no one knows how long they have so he didn't want to live it like that and while I cried knowing I would lose him I totally understood and was relieved that he had enough clarity to make the decision himself. So of all thing she wanted Burger king so that's what he had and I ate dinner with him that night and he wanted to go home so arraignments  were made for him to go home on hospice by that evening he was out of it again and he was dying, we got him home the next evening and I curled up on the hospital bed with him at our home thinking  we still had awhile to spend together  but it wasn't to be, he passed the next evening with me by his side in bed and our entire family in the room along with his best friend. So that is my story with my husbands and while I have been thru this twice you would think I know how to deal with it but both were in different times in my life so have been totally different 

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 12, 2017 at 9:38am
This is a test post..if it goes through just ignore it
Comment by Michael Smith on September 12, 2017 at 6:28am

Deborah,

keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that you have a peaceful and calm day.  I have no answers as to why or how to overcome the grief. Just know that you are among friends here at Legacy. 

Hugs,

mike

Comment by deborah peck on September 11, 2017 at 9:52pm

it will be 4 months tomorrow since I last held my love, cant figure out how this happened or why, am so sad, tired of being okay one day and devastated the next, hate ths

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 11, 2017 at 9:51pm

Mary Jane......It doesn't sound crazy that it was hard to buy a new mattress.  That's actually one of the things I stress about...having to buy new anything without Ken.  Luckily I don't need anything right now so I push those worries away to focus on today.  I'm sure Bob would prefer you do what's necessary for your health and if a new mattress will help you, then he's okay with it.

I probably would have shrieked if I'd seen a spider like that.   I don't think I've met anyone yet who doesn't get freaked out by those creatures.

 

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