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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1337
Latest Conversations: 9 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 10 hours ago. 22 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 14, 2017 at 6:26pm

Dear Mary Jane,

 As someone who would be considered more aptly suited to communicating through smoke signals and pantomime, believe me I understand your meaning clearly through and technical glitches - no apologies necessary.

You have reminded me of a time in public when the person with whom  I was interacting during a purchase asked if I was alright. I was a bit taken aback, and said "Yes I'm alright - why? Don't I look alright?" She gave me a small sad smile and said that no, I looked like I had just lost my best friend. Well that did it - my eyes instantly filled with tears and I was fumbling for a tissue in my pocket causing me to drop my wallet and knock over my cane. I thought I was going to completely fall apart when she reached over and put her hand on my wrist and said she was so sorry to upset me - did I want to sit down? Could she get me some water? I just stood there trying to control my breathing per past yoga training and waited until I could talk, then told her it wasn't her fault - I had indeed just lost my best friend when I lost my husband to cancer.

She said how sorry she was for my loss, then we completed our transaction. Then, with no customers waiting behind me, she came around her station and wordlessly gave me a gentle hug. She stepped back, asked if I needed help to my car, then just said she would pray for me.

Those are the moments, when kindness and compassion take precedence over decorum or protocol, that give me hope for the future of mankind.

I send wishes via smoke signals for a peaceful night my friend, and always include you in my prayers -

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 14, 2017 at 4:01pm
My daughter added something to my iPad that predicts the words you are going to type, and if I don,t pay attention, strange phrases keep posting instead of what I wanted to say..so I hope u will be able to understand what I say lol
Comment by Mary. Jane on September 14, 2017 at 3:58pm
Thanks to all of you for the sensitive comments..I also want to comment on the fact that I am SURE you are like me...my "Pat" answer when asked how I am doing in "I,m doing ok, and smile" and most of the things me, I am..at least in public...but I know, that we just don,t mention the times when we,re kinda hit like,a bomb with grief, that tosses us into agony..sometimes we can be ongoing about our day doing normal,stuff, when all,of a sudden we collapse in tears, or break down emotionally...it just hits us out of nowhere, completely unexpectedly...leaving us rather shocked, and wondering "What brought THAT on?"..but this is the part we don,t let anyone see, or tell people..unless they,re there...it will S almost like our bodies Ned a sort of realease sometimes, and our emotions are going to come out whether or not we expect them to.
I don,t know what I would do if I had to hold down a job, and experienced something like this in front of co- workers..(I can just imagine the horrified look on their faces..and it made me knew DNA laugh, as they have no idea what to,do. Lol. It's only hAppened to me in front of family and a few friends..or a few in stores..ironically this is the ONLY place I could post this and everyone here would understand.
Comment by deborah peck on September 14, 2017 at 9:16am

Love the pics Steve, you are truly a combination of both of your parents,     Debbie

Comment by Steve on September 14, 2017 at 7:38am

Good morning all,

I decided to share some of my favorite family photos, you can find them on my home page.  I have also posted a short blog on my home page titled "All the People in My Life".

Hugs to all

Comment by deborah peck on September 13, 2017 at 10:50pm

Mary Jane, I am so sorry your husband had to suffer for so long and you had to watch it, must of been so hard for you, at least with my husband we all thought he was doing so much better after his stroke until the last week. Both of my parents died from cancer 6 months apart and even though it was emotionally exhausting they didn't suffer long so your husband was truly very strong as were you. love Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2017 at 10:45pm

Mary.Jane ...  I've seen family members, friends and then my beloved spouse terminally ill and it always seems to be the same where they choose when they want to go.  We can sit for hours with them and then for just a few seconds leave the room and they are gone.  With my mother my brother, his wife, two boys and Ernie and I sat by my mother; her breathing labored.  We even held out own breathes wondering when she would breath again.  After hours of sitting the nurses told us to go home and we thought it would OK so did.  At 7:46 AM the nurse had turned her back to wet a face cloth for my mother and she heard a little sigh and my mother was gone.  I was at hospice waiting for Ernie to arrive and wanted to stay the night, but he became agitated that I go home and when I asked if I could come back in the morning and stay all night he smiled and nodded.  Deep down I knew he was dying on his own terms and didn't want me to see it and at 6:30 AM I got the call he had passed away.  A friend of ours who had AIDS several years ago put on a good front and we went to visit him.  We had such a nice visit believe it or not and by the next morning he too had passed away.  I've read about death and they say slowly that person dying goes into another dimension and often sees a deceased loved one.  It's a comfort to know that.

Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2017 at 10:38pm

Deborah ...  I believe even if for only a brief second we all have thought of ending our life, but as Mary.Jane has said we are left behind for a reason and we managed to go on.  I do believe we are strong, but we are also very fragile.  We put on a brave face because we have no choice. 

Together all of us on here are going to make it to happier days.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 13, 2017 at 10:33pm

Russ ...  Big hugs back and I pray you have peaceful days ahead.

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 13, 2017 at 10:27pm
Deborah, I have thought of suicide several times, but I doubt if I would ever take my own life. We are the ones "left behind" and I think there must be a reason for that...even through all the pain and grief and sadness, we are here..and we are alive.
Before Bob ever got sick, once in awhile we'd hear of someone who ended their life, and when I asked him if he would ever do that, his answer was always the same:
"Nope, I would never do that. I want to see this thing through" And, he did...on his own terms. He was fighting until the very end...but the morning he died, the hospice nurse had to cathertarize him. He HATED that more than anything...he was being fed through a stomach tube, but still kept his wonderful sense of humor, but when that happened, that was it for him. 3 hours later, when I left the room for just a minute, he let go, and died. I had asked him the day before, if Warren, his brother who had died a few years ago was here, and he said, yes, he was...and I know the catheter was the last straw. He eyesight was compromised by the brain radiation he'd been receiving, and tho he could still eat foods like ice cream, and juice, I think he just decided he was done. I don,t blame him. It was just a waiting game until he died, and he chose to die on HIS terms, when HE wanted to. Warren said, wanna go now, and he said yes. Oddly I had felt his brothers presense for a few month, but as soon as BOb surcummed, I never felt him here again.
 

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