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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by denise. Last reply by Sara Murphy Oct 10. 3 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Deb S on September 21, 2017 at 5:09am

Marsha, Yikes! I am so sorry that you ran into that "person" and experienced this assault. I hope and pray that you are able to release his words from your memory. He and his toxic words are not worthy of taking up any more space in your beautiful mind. I'm tossing him overboard and hope and pray you are able to do the same. HUGS, dear friend.  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on September 21, 2017 at 5:05am

Trina, Wow! Your beautiful and well written post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You express my feelings in a way that I could never put into words. Thank God my Legacy family gets it. I know to the core of my soul that I would not be where I am today without the love, care and support of the wonderful people in this group. I hope and pray that you and everyone here has a better day today than yesterday. Love, Debbie

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 21, 2017 at 1:07am

 I just finished reading all the recent posts and there is so much to unpack. Several different themes and threads, but one that jumps out is our (bereaved spouses’/lovers’/partners’) right to be able to grieve on our terms and for as long as it takes. Very early on in my grief— a little over three years ago—I learned from my grief therapist that grief has no timetable, that grief and grieving are very individual, that each person grieves in their own unique way. And what I found out a long time ago myself like the rest of you is that for some people like myself, there is no “getting over it.” Sure, over time my grief has tempered, the intensity not as sharp and powerful as before, but I am not “over it;” I am not past the deep sorrow of having lost Joseph, the love of my life.  And I never will. For as long as I live, he will be an integral part of me and will remain the love of my life. This is my story: it’s not good or bad, right or wrong. This is my grief, and I have the right to own it and deal with it on my own terms. My siblings, who are mostly understanding people, have long reached a point where they feel that my grieving has been going on for too long. They want to see me happy and joyful again. I resent that, but at the same time I also understand where they are coming from.  They have no idea how deep the love between Joseph and me. We were one of those blessed couples who fulfill each other completely and have no need for others to make us complete. We had good relations with our families and had a good number of close friends (and I still do), but as Joseph and I would often joke that if we were marooned on an island without any other human being there, just the two of us, we would have been perfectly happy. And it’s true. We were fortunate to have shared that exceptional kind of happiness and love for 19 years. So when my siblings or acquaintances express the thought that I should move on, they have no point of reference of the love and life that I shared with Joseph. It’s beyond their imagination what we meant to each other.  So for some time now, when I am in the company of my siblings and other close family members, I try not to express my true feelings. As much as I can, I do my best to put forward a not-sad-face. I just don’t want to get into lengthy discussions with them about my true feelings. This suits me better than having to have confrontations with them. I can pretend with them for the time that I am spending with them without having to reveal my inner thoughts and feelings.  But I am NOT over my grief. Like I said, I will always mourn Joseph, and if someday I find that I am not mourning him any longer, then I would be very surprised to say the least, but that would okay. But until that day dawns, no one will tell me how I should be feeling, and how I should be over it.  So Deborah peck, Sara, and Deb S, please know that you are not alone in facing this kind of attitude from family and friends. Your grief is yours to own; grieve as long as it takes; there is no deadline or time limit for grieving. These people don’t have the foggiest idea about how gut-wrenching and exceedingly challenging it is to survive the love of your life, to just go on living after your soul-mate has passed. Just to keep our heads above the water and to go on functioning in a fairly normal way is like walking on broken glass or on burning coals on a daily basis. So we don’t need these insensitive people telling us how to live our life; not only are they not helping, they are causing more pain.

Sending you all—my family here on Legacy—love and healing thoughts. Without you to share and commiserate, I would have been even more lost, more dispirited, and bereft of hope. Thank you my Legacy Family for your love and support!

Comment by Chicago Beard on September 20, 2017 at 9:19pm

Marsha
Just read your story. What an asshat. So sorry your dog missed.

Comment by deborah peck on September 20, 2017 at 2:47pm

oh Marsha that's horrible, cant imagine as you both were probably still trying to grasp the diagnoses then to have someone so rude I'm so sorry this happened to you

Comment by Marsha H on September 20, 2017 at 2:02pm

Sara ...  Here's another one for you, but I took care of it immediately.  Ernie had just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I went to the mall.  Ernie wasn't feeling quite so bad and wanted to come with me, but sat it the car.  I wasn't gone long and I came out of the mall door there was this younger man that Ernie and I knew (did drugs and wasn't of good character so we dropped him a long while back) and he insisted on helping me with my parcels.  I told him I didn't need the help and wanted to get away from him, but he grabbed them out of my arms and started to walk to the car with me.  As if this wasn't bad enough he said, 'Well you know my friend had pancreatic cancer and he didn't live long, so when Ernie goes give me a call.'  I was stunned and I won't tell you what I said to him because I'd be arrested!  Literally.  I couldn't shake this guy and he walked up to the car.  When I got in I knew Ernie sure didn't want to talk to him and then this so-called human being had the gall to ask for a ride, but I quickly told him that we weren't going his way and to 'get lost!'  He peeked his head into the car (big mistake) and our dog Booker who had been over by Ernie made a lunge for this guy and I managed to hold him off.  Of course that got rid of the guy in a hurry.  Those words that guy had said slammed into my stomach and I'd always known pancreatic cancer was lethal, but this confirmed it.  Of course I never told Ernie what happened, but to this day those words haunt me and also the fact that there are some terrible and manipulative people out in the world.  WOW!  Never told anyone about that and it sure feels good to get it off my chest.  Thanks for listening.

Comment by Marsha H on September 20, 2017 at 1:55pm

Deborah ...  I'm so sorry that happened to you as well.  Yes, it's frightening and leaves you vulnerable and confused.  It almost made me feel that 'I' misunderstood, but knew I hadn't. 

Comment by deborah peck on September 20, 2017 at 1:08pm

I too had a friends brother hit on me right after the passing of my 1st husband, it leaves you feeling very vulnerable and confused, I didn't tell her either just stayed away from him

Comment by Marsha H on September 19, 2017 at 4:13am

Sara ...  thanks for understanding.  It really pains those of us suffering from grief.  As if that wasn't bad enough 3 weeks after Ernie passed away one of my girlfriend's husband's hit on me and I wasn't misunderstanding his intentions.  I was reeling from grief so much and in shock I just told him to hit the curb and came into the house.  I can't even remember what I did after that.  Later, when the shock wore off I was so disgusted someone would do that to not only a new widow, but to their wife.  Of course I never said anything to my girlfriend about what her husband had done.  It put me in a terrible position as one part of me felt she should know as I'm sure I'm not the only woman he's come onto. Now you know why I love my dogs so much.  LOL

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 18, 2017 at 9:15pm

Marsha.....That's unbelievable.  It's hard to believe someone can really be that clueless. 

 

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