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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by denise. Last reply by Sara Murphy Oct 10. 3 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Steve on September 25, 2017 at 9:08am

Hi Mary Jane,

Thank you for thinking of me, the pain is from carpel tunnel and trigger finger in all four fingers.  The orthopedic gave me cortisone shots in July and they seemed to be working, then my symptoms returned and have gotten worse.  I have no strength left in my right hand and cannot make a fist without a lot of pain.  Having to wait 45 days for the nerve test has been challenging to say the least.  I use a rubber ball to force my fingers to bend and then have to stretch them back out again.  My hand is so swollen that the swelling further limits movement and when walking/shopping it swells even more and turns red.  The test today is to help the orthopedic doctor to determine type and extent of surgery or not and to rule out other possibilities that could be causing all of the above.  I have learned how to use my left hand and I can do light typing as the fingers do not have to bend as much as trying to grab something as simple as a fork and my toothbrush, most annoying some days.  Hopefully, the nerve test will not hurt and I can finally get something done to correct this condition, even if it means surgery.

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 25, 2017 at 8:27am
DEborah, thanks for watching the video.

CHUCK..about Steves nerve pain...does it happen all the time, or when he sleeps, or holds his arm up, like when he holds a phone receiver to his ear, perhaps? One of the reasons I bought a new mattress, was I was having HORRIBLE numbness, and then severe pain in each forearm and hand when I slept. When I would awaken, it would take hours of pain, as the numbness wore off, and circulation returned. B4 I got the mattress, and even now, I wear a wrist band on each wrist while I sleep. It has been better since the mattress, but last night I wanted to get to sleep right away, so I took an extra half Xanax and when I woke up I was in terrible pain...which hadn,t happened since the new mattress. I think the extra half pill caused me to sleep,deeper, and I DIDN,t move as much during my sleep...and this morning my right hand is numb again...I did some research, and sometimes if you sleep all night in one position, the nerve center in each shoulder gets pressed on, causing your arm to fall asleep from your shoulders nerve center. As I write this, feeling is returning to my hands..as the blood supply is moving again. WhileSteve is waiting, may I suggest he wear a wrist band wn each wrist at night, until he finds out the reason for this thing? It could be very very serious, and the pain is excruciating. I also sleep with my hands curled inward which cuts off the circulation and causes blood flow not to reach them. Just a suggestion..hope he feels better...also, I read on Google that it might be related to a cardiology problem...so it could be very urgent.
Comment by Marsha H on September 25, 2017 at 5:44am

Dear Deborah Peck ...  I am so happy you had a good time at the wineries and enjoyed yourself perhaps more than you thought you would have.  Please don't be ashamed of have tears over a song and having to go for a walk or eventually having to leave.  I am so proud of you for staying as long as you did and also remember you had great support from understanding friends as well as all of us on Legacy. 

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 25, 2017 at 5:26am

Dear Deborah,

I have once again been absent from my family here for a spell during which a new oil tank has been installed in the basement and preparations have been completed for the old in-ground tank to be excavated , tested for leaks and ground contamination as required by EPA law, and removed. This removal process begins early today, and this afternoon Steve and I visit the Orthopedic Center once more so he can undergo nerve testing on his right arm and hand. Hopefully this will finally determine more precisely the causes of his terrible pain, and will also lead to an effective course of action - possibly surgery.

So, as I have some early quiet time I decided to try to catch up with my family, and want to reply to you before drawn once more into the daily distractions that make up my life currently.

I am so very pleased to hear of your trip to the winery, and echo Mary Jane's sentiments about your friends and sister being completely understanding of your emotions surfacing spurred by the music. I assure you that you ruined nothing ! It seems to me that music is possibly the thing that awakens memories and stirs my emotional cauldron most effectively. I use that word because what comes out of it can be both magical and horribly frightening at times. I commend you for both having the ability to go out into the world and connect with people, and for allowing yourself to free your emotions when needed and knowing when it was time to go. My dear friend, I am proud of you.

Your earlier mention of your dark thoughts, and the suicide of your father struck a very personal note with me. In 1989 my father was in the final stages of terminal lung cancer that had spread to his bones in his back and rib cage. He was enrolled in hospice at home, but when his breathing became too difficult my aunt would panic and call 911 - this would lead to a hospital stay and having to get him re-admitted to hospice. I know her heart was breaking, and she couldn't help herself, but it prolonged his suffering and my torment as well.

One day at 3:00 AM as I sat with him in the hospital room "keeping guard" since he was on a suicide watch, he looked at me with such pleading in his eyes and asked me to bring him his service revolver from home. It is a moment I will never forget for the rest of my days.

My father was our family's rock and voice of reason, and he had withstood multiple set-backs and losses, particularly the loss of my mother, his beloved Mary. To see him wanting to exit his life did two things to me - it clarified just how awful things were for him, and brought home that he was just as vulnerable to feelings of desperation and despair as I was, and humanized him to me like nothing else ever had.

I am sorry for the terrible ordeal your father endured, and can well imagine the way his suicide affected your whole family. Once again I must thank you for sharing such a personal and difficult time with us - for myself, it reminded me of something that I needed to rediscover during this confusing and challenging time in my life. That one simple fact is the one I learned so painfully after losing Larry, but find myself losing sight of far too often - the only important things in our lives are the people around us who love us and whom we love. Everything else may seem to be going to Hell in a hand basket, but if we hold on to the love and support offered to us, we can get through anything.

I hope you have a peaceful week Deborah, and I will write more when I can about the results of Steve's test today and what our next step will be.

Much love,

Chuck 

Comment by deborah peck on September 24, 2017 at 8:29pm

Mary Jane I just watched the video you posted, I cried thru the whole thing, it was beautiful and what an awesome song to  hear when you woke up

Comment by deborah peck on September 24, 2017 at 8:22pm

Mary Jane I hope you have a great time on your trip, your going with your daughter right? that should be so much fun. Be safe in your travels

Comment by deborah peck on September 24, 2017 at 8:20pm

Thank- you Mary Jane, all you guys who have been grieving longer than I have are really great support. I hope everyone has a great week

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 24, 2017 at 7:26pm
I am so glad you had a wonderful time..and honestly, you DIDN,t ruin anything. I have has several times where I have broken down in public with friends, and although you might feel like you ruined a good time, you DIDN,t. They really do understand...and support you. My friends know it happens, and could happen...and they are prepared for it. I always feel like you did..but my friends and family understand...and I know your did too.
Comment by deborah peck on September 24, 2017 at 7:05pm

Had a great time this weekend at the wineries, everything went great, listened to music at a couple of different places and while Greg was never out of my thoughts I still had fun At least until the last winery we went to started playing a slow song and I lost it so my sister and I went for a walk while I got it back together and went back to the table to listen to the music and talk with everyone and then of course a song came on about losing someone, that was it I got up and said its time to go, I was so embaressed and hated having to leave but was just done for the night, I kept apologizing and everyone kept telling me I had nothing to be sorry for but I still felt bad but all in all it was really nice.     Debby

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 23, 2017 at 11:10am
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wkWUEfaRzZg

Before I woke up this morning, I was dreaming the melody of this song. The first time I ever heard it wa on Americas Got Talent sung by a 13 yr old named Evie Clair who's dad was dying of cancer. This was recorded months ago, and her dad passed away during the duration of the many weeks of the show. I have listened to the original version and it is kinda lame...but this morning I went online and found
This..yes, it is long, as the judges talk to her but listening to her sing this for her dad gives me strength. I urge y'all to watch this clip...I find this young girl singing comforting and it helps my grieve. (and, yes, she made it to #4 in the final show. I just wanted to share something lovely with y'all.
 

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