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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on October 2, 2017 at 12:52pm

Mary Jane Its so great that you are giving yourself encouragement to go on and live your life to the fullest, I know you are at a good place if you can do that.I understand going on vacation and the fear, I never felt that going but coming home is a different matter for me, it usually takes me a week to get with it again, Ive been on a few little weekend trips with family since my husband passed in May and have for the most part enjoyed it but when II would get home the emptiness would hit me double, but I am new to this and still in the hard grieving part so when I shove it aside it comes back double. I am reading a book byAlan Wolfelt "Understanding your Grief" it has a journal you can get too and I would encourage everyone on here to get it, its very helpful in all the areas that everyone has talked about.  have a good day Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 2, 2017 at 9:40am
LOL I would like to add..I get my new glasses today,so hopefully I won,t have so many typos...the area for replies on my tablet is the size of a postage stamp.
Comment by Mary. Jane on October 2, 2017 at 9:37am
Thank you,CHUCK and Kaela. CHuck, you post made me cry..Kaela you helped me feel I wasn,t alone.
Yesterday was, one of the best days I,vet had in weeks...and it started of all things with a S
Tv story of Bill Murphy..where he sang words from a song by Van Morrison.."He's given me everything I need, and more..when will I ever learn to live (In God)
I don,t remember that song at all..(it was the early 70's) but it was kind of a wake up call. For some reason, ALL OF US were left behind..TO LIVE. Why? There must b some reason. So I spent yesterday giving myself encouragement talks...who knows how many years I have to live? Why waste them? Of coups that is easier to say, than do...but thanks to the support from y'all, and that song I decided to TRY instead of wallow in self pity.
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 1, 2017 at 7:17pm

Dear Mary Jane,
I had feelings very much like your regarding my first trip last year to Dallas. I hadn't flown in over 25 years, and never without Larry once we met. Suddenly here I was facing flight with a layover in Chicago, being much older, walking with a cane, and having the added pleasure of having just a touch of agoraphobia. Being in crowds that are boisterous and rapidly moving about gets me confused and unable to concentrate or remember anything. Great formula for a pleasant journey, right?

I first told Steve when he was planning ways to get me to Dallas (and out of this house where I was growing more reclusive and detached from the world every day)that flying was out of the question. He researched train travel, and we were almost settled on that option when something (or someone...probably Larry) made me decide that I would go ahead and try flying. After all, as I just wrote to Kaela, the worst had already happened to me, so if I got lost, or fell, or even crashed, it would just happen and there was nothing I could do about it. I guess in some twisted way I was almost challenging God - if I was truly meant to go on this trip and start joining the world once more, then it would be his responsibility to get me through it! Cheeky, no?

I not only got through it, but wrote about the experience throughout the journey and shared those stories here in 4 separate posts last year. they may still be found somewhere I guess if anyone wanted to read them. I completely understand your fearing the worst, but please don't let that stop you - I just know that with each small step you get through on your journey you will gain confidence and strength, and your fears will dissolve into enjoyment and a wonderful feeling of accomplishment.
Believe me my friend - if I can do it, then I promise you that you can do it! you will meet angels all along the way who will appear whenever and wherever you need them...just as they did for me.
Sending big hugs, and smiling at the thought of what a wonderful time you and your daughter have facing you - God speed, and much love to you!
Chuck

Comment by Deb S on October 1, 2017 at 6:59pm

Steve, Thanks for the update. Prayers and good thoughts continue winging your way. I hope that the MRI proves instructive and that your doctors come up with an easy fix. Hugs!!!!  Debbie

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 1, 2017 at 6:34pm

Dear Kaela,

Like you and Mary Jane (and probably many others here) I too have had trouble dealing with the idea of losing other people after my devastating loss of my dearest Larry. I have a friend who is really like a brother has had serious heart issues and several surgeries over the past 10 years. I was talking to him on the phone a month after Larry passed when he told me his cardiologist was very concerned and was going to order a battery of tests and x-rays. I completely lost it and once I calmed down a bit he said he wished he hadn't said anything - he hadn't considered how I might react. I actually forbid him to leave me like this and said if something bad happened to him I wouldn't survive it either - I had lost too much and that would do me in. Looking back, that was an absolutely terrible thing for me to say to him - he was scared enough for himself, and then I lay all that pressure on him? 

I am glad you are talking with a psychiatrist to get some control of your panic and fears, and I just want to send my prayers and say that I have found the terror of losing loved ones has become quite a bit more manageable as I found myself healing over the last 30 months. Now I still worry of course, especially when there is a situation with lots of unknowns like what Steve if facing. I guess that for me the trick, if you can call it that, is to tell myself that if the worst thing that could possibly happen to you, like the loss of your loved one, has already happened, then anything else - no matter how dreaded and unthinkable - can't be any worse...and somehow I survived that one, even if just barely.

I do hope you find more peace in your days ahead and send you a hug and all the strength and positive energy I can push your way.

Love,

Chuck 

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on October 1, 2017 at 3:18pm

Thank you Deborah. How are you feeling today?

Comment by deborah peck on October 1, 2017 at 9:24am

Kaela and Mary,  how hard it must be to be afraid of everything, sounds like an anxiety issue, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, I too am fearful of something happening to a loved one but not to the degree tat you both are.Hope the meds help Kaela

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on October 1, 2017 at 12:11am

Hi Mary,

      Oh boy, I can relate to everything you are saying to a T. I mentioned my fatigue in the discussion but in addition I am literally scared of everything. I am a nervous wreck. I FINALLY visited a psychiatrist on Thursday for the first time and he put me on low dose Prozac to start. This will be the first time I've been on any kind of mental health meds. I have constant anxiety and panic attacks over everything, especially in the morning. Just this morning, I had a terrible episode where I felt all panicky, my heart races, I feel dizzy, and I start having intrusive thoughts about finding Brian the morning of his death. Then it wipes me out for the entire day and I have to sleep it off. The doctor also put me on a no sugar, low carb, no caffeine, no alcohol diet because it causes the blood sugar to spike and then crash, triggering anxiety. He said my cortisol levels are probably also through the roof. He also diagnosed me with PTSD (due to the flashbacks of finding my husband dead).

      I can relate to your fear of everyone else dying thing, and in addition I am also afraid of me dying, especially in my sleep. My parents recently took a trip out of state and I stayed behind to watch the kitties and I was literally sick with anxiety the entire time. Worried over every little thing. Afraid of everyone dying, etc.

      I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can relate so well. I feel like this anxiety and nervousness has taken over my life, like you. Maybe pay a visit to a psychiatrist and get put on some low-dose meds for anxiety to start. I have come to understand that the severe stress we are constantly under due to our grief and trauma makes the chemicals in our body all out of wack and its beyond what we can do for ourselves. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 30, 2017 at 10:47pm
Ok I think I need serious help. Are any of you really FEARFUL of everything? The closer my trip gets, the more afraid I am becoming. I am afraid of stuff that "might" happen..Thursday, I thought I saw my cat getting sick again, and I freaked...(turns out he was fine, I over reacted) I thought a tiny skin blemish on my ankle was the beginning of another spider bite, and treated it accordingly..I am terrified of sending my cat to the cat sitter...he,S been there nearly every year for his 8 years..and she is very capable...and ipmy fears have morphed into DAILY Epstein Barr virus..the worse I have had in 2 years. I close off rooms so the cat can,t possible knock something breakable over, and cur himself and bleed to death while I am sleeping. I try to sleep as much as I can...I am a WRECK! Last year, I went to California for 10 days, and was excited...basically the same scenario as this time...I require my daughter to call me to make sure she is safe every day..I was always fearful, but not to this level.
I am not afraid of ME dying, I am afraid of everyone I know dying.
I was NOT like this before this Spring...when I finally accepted BOb was really gone...then all this fear accelerated.
I try to tell myself, that I should be happy Gog has granted me life, and make the unknown amount of time I might have left, the best time I can, and enjoy my days...and I was looking SOo forward to this trip, but now I am just scared something will,happen...and I am beginning to DREAD it.
Is anyone here this fearful? It is just CRIPPLING me, and I don,t know what to do about it. I feel like an idiot..I know my fears are just in my mind, but it is getting worse daily.
 

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