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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

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Comment by Marsha H on September 25, 2017 at 5:44am

Dear Deborah Peck ...  I am so happy you had a good time at the wineries and enjoyed yourself perhaps more than you thought you would have.  Please don't be ashamed of have tears over a song and having to go for a walk or eventually having to leave.  I am so proud of you for staying as long as you did and also remember you had great support from understanding friends as well as all of us on Legacy. 

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on September 25, 2017 at 5:26am

Dear Deborah,

I have once again been absent from my family here for a spell during which a new oil tank has been installed in the basement and preparations have been completed for the old in-ground tank to be excavated , tested for leaks and ground contamination as required by EPA law, and removed. This removal process begins early today, and this afternoon Steve and I visit the Orthopedic Center once more so he can undergo nerve testing on his right arm and hand. Hopefully this will finally determine more precisely the causes of his terrible pain, and will also lead to an effective course of action - possibly surgery.

So, as I have some early quiet time I decided to try to catch up with my family, and want to reply to you before drawn once more into the daily distractions that make up my life currently.

I am so very pleased to hear of your trip to the winery, and echo Mary Jane's sentiments about your friends and sister being completely understanding of your emotions surfacing spurred by the music. I assure you that you ruined nothing ! It seems to me that music is possibly the thing that awakens memories and stirs my emotional cauldron most effectively. I use that word because what comes out of it can be both magical and horribly frightening at times. I commend you for both having the ability to go out into the world and connect with people, and for allowing yourself to free your emotions when needed and knowing when it was time to go. My dear friend, I am proud of you.

Your earlier mention of your dark thoughts, and the suicide of your father struck a very personal note with me. In 1989 my father was in the final stages of terminal lung cancer that had spread to his bones in his back and rib cage. He was enrolled in hospice at home, but when his breathing became too difficult my aunt would panic and call 911 - this would lead to a hospital stay and having to get him re-admitted to hospice. I know her heart was breaking, and she couldn't help herself, but it prolonged his suffering and my torment as well.

One day at 3:00 AM as I sat with him in the hospital room "keeping guard" since he was on a suicide watch, he looked at me with such pleading in his eyes and asked me to bring him his service revolver from home. It is a moment I will never forget for the rest of my days.

My father was our family's rock and voice of reason, and he had withstood multiple set-backs and losses, particularly the loss of my mother, his beloved Mary. To see him wanting to exit his life did two things to me - it clarified just how awful things were for him, and brought home that he was just as vulnerable to feelings of desperation and despair as I was, and humanized him to me like nothing else ever had.

I am sorry for the terrible ordeal your father endured, and can well imagine the way his suicide affected your whole family. Once again I must thank you for sharing such a personal and difficult time with us - for myself, it reminded me of something that I needed to rediscover during this confusing and challenging time in my life. That one simple fact is the one I learned so painfully after losing Larry, but find myself losing sight of far too often - the only important things in our lives are the people around us who love us and whom we love. Everything else may seem to be going to Hell in a hand basket, but if we hold on to the love and support offered to us, we can get through anything.

I hope you have a peaceful week Deborah, and I will write more when I can about the results of Steve's test today and what our next step will be.

Much love,

Chuck 

Comment by deborah peck on September 24, 2017 at 8:29pm

Mary Jane I just watched the video you posted, I cried thru the whole thing, it was beautiful and what an awesome song to  hear when you woke up

Comment by deborah peck on September 24, 2017 at 8:22pm

Mary Jane I hope you have a great time on your trip, your going with your daughter right? that should be so much fun. Be safe in your travels

Comment by deborah peck on September 24, 2017 at 8:20pm

Thank- you Mary Jane, all you guys who have been grieving longer than I have are really great support. I hope everyone has a great week

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 24, 2017 at 7:26pm
I am so glad you had a wonderful time..and honestly, you DIDN,t ruin anything. I have has several times where I have broken down in public with friends, and although you might feel like you ruined a good time, you DIDN,t. They really do understand...and support you. My friends know it happens, and could happen...and they are prepared for it. I always feel like you did..but my friends and family understand...and I know your did too.
Comment by deborah peck on September 24, 2017 at 7:05pm

Had a great time this weekend at the wineries, everything went great, listened to music at a couple of different places and while Greg was never out of my thoughts I still had fun At least until the last winery we went to started playing a slow song and I lost it so my sister and I went for a walk while I got it back together and went back to the table to listen to the music and talk with everyone and then of course a song came on about losing someone, that was it I got up and said its time to go, I was so embaressed and hated having to leave but was just done for the night, I kept apologizing and everyone kept telling me I had nothing to be sorry for but I still felt bad but all in all it was really nice.     Debby

Comment by Mary. Jane on September 23, 2017 at 11:10am
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wkWUEfaRzZg

Before I woke up this morning, I was dreaming the melody of this song. The first time I ever heard it wa on Americas Got Talent sung by a 13 yr old named Evie Clair who's dad was dying of cancer. This was recorded months ago, and her dad passed away during the duration of the many weeks of the show. I have listened to the original version and it is kinda lame...but this morning I went online and found
This..yes, it is long, as the judges talk to her but listening to her sing this for her dad gives me strength. I urge y'all to watch this clip...I find this young girl singing comforting and it helps my grieve. (and, yes, she made it to #4 in the final show. I just wanted to share something lovely with y'all.
Comment by Marsha H on September 22, 2017 at 3:12pm

Dear Deborah P ...  I know that feeling you are going through and every so often even now, my mind can go to that dark place as well, but it never happens.  We are stronger than we think.  I think it's wonderful you are going to the wineries with your daughters and friends and I'm sure that will clear your mind.  It's very normal to wonder why we were left behind and what are we suppose to do with the rest of our lives while be battle grief, but please trust me on the fact that it does get better although you will never forget your spouse.  Go to wineries, have a few, laugh and cry if you need too, but remember, what you are going through is very normal.  You are not alone!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on September 22, 2017 at 12:41pm

Has been a really rough week with my mind going to dark places for an easy way out of this pain, As much as at times I would love to end it all I could never do that to my family I couldn't leave them with that much pain and we have been thru that once already, my dad commited suicide after batteling cancer for 20 years, multiple kids  and many surgeries, I don't blame him at all but I couldn't send my family down that road again. But am heading to Hermann MO. to visit the wineries with two of my daughters and my younger sister who is my best friend so hoping this weekend can turn my thoughts around.  love to you all and have a great weekend

 

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