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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by denise. Last reply by Sara Murphy Oct 10. 3 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on October 13, 2017 at 4:45pm

Steve I love the poem it should be posted everywhere so everyone can read it. I learned a long time aga after my 1st husband passed away that you don't ever get over someone you love passing away, you just go on and eventually it gets easier but its never gone, My nephew had a son pass 2 years ago and looked to me for assurance that it would be "better" soon, I was honest and told him it would be a long time but it never truly goes away he  looked at me and said "that sucks", I said yes it does.People that haven't been thru it don't understand that as long as we continue to love the person that passed away we will always grieve for them, for what could of been if they were still here,   Debbie P

Comment by Steve on October 13, 2017 at 4:17pm

On one of my trips home after Mark’s death, I was out with my family and during our conversations someone asked me “are you better now”… I hesitated and responded yes.  Later on when I was alone in my hotel room, the question resonated through my thoughts and I wondered why I said yes when inside I did not really feel as if I was doing any better.  It was just my way of not rocking the boat, still trying to blend in as if everything was OK in my life, and not wanting to change the mood at the table.

 

Months later back in Dallas, I still could not get that question out of my thoughts as it would pop up from time to time.  People say time heals all wounds and I still wondered, does it really or do we just move along down our path through this life and become numb to the losses in our lives.

 

Each one of us on this site at one time or another have had to field questions or statements from friends or family expecting us to be done with or over our grief and as I read through these posts it always brings back the above memory that I had pushed aside, so I decided to Google grief as I often do to look for poems, I found this one and as I read it, I realized I had indeed given a true and honest answer to my family:

 

 

The other day I thought of you

And tears slid down my face

The friend I was with, looked disappointed…

“I thought you doing better” she said

I thought about this and replied…

When someone has died it is okay to hurt

When you hurt it is okay to cry

When you cry it is okay

Doing “well” is honestly expressing true emotions

Wherever and whenever they happen

Grief is the natural response to loss

Crying is a natural response to grief

 

I am grieving, I am doing well

Comment by Deb S on October 12, 2017 at 6:46am

Debby P, Please be extra kind to yourself today. 5 months is a relatively short amount of time although it feels like forever. Please know your legacy friends are with you today and have an understanding of what you are going through right now. Hugs.  Debbie

Comment by deborah peck on October 11, 2017 at 11:00pm
Tomorrow will be 5months since I lost my love, I feel like I'm in a fog all the time and dread the 12th of every month because it means one more month since we've been apart
Comment by Deb S on October 9, 2017 at 5:03am

Debby P, It does take time to heal. I'm with you on patience - my own patience is often lacking. I mentioned the therapist idea because I read in your post that you were considering seeing one. You'll know if that is the right path for you to take. You haven't had a lot of time to absorb everything. Giving yourself time to be is a good idea. I needed to do that to allow my soul the freedom to begin to grasp my reality and then allow time for me to move through the fog that had enveloped my life. I've recaptured a reservoir of strength that was completing drained for a long time. Please know I am cheering you on from VA.  Debbie 

Comment by deborah peck on October 8, 2017 at 9:34pm

dear Debby S, thank you for your kind  post, I am thinking about seeing a therapist something Ive never done before but at this point I'm willing to try anything to get to a better place, I know it all takes awhile to "heal" but I'm not very patient so have to learn to give myself time .   debby P

Comment by Deb S on October 8, 2017 at 8:32am

What is going on with the comment page?  I just posted a long post and it disappeared after posting!  

Kaela, I just wrote a long post to you apologizing for not seeing your earlier post to me sooner. I tried to edit one word and the post disappeared. I hope you received it via email. Please let me know. If not, I'll try to reconstruct it later. HUGS!  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on October 8, 2017 at 7:55am

Debbie P, Forgive me for not responding to your posts earlier. I've been absent for a bit and am now returning to our fold. I read all of your posts and am so sorry for the losses that have brought you here. As many of our angels have commented, I hope that you find this group to be as much of a Godsend as it has been for me.

Let me share a bit of my "story". My husband was healthy until he slipped into a coma and died 4 days later. Like you and everyone here, I was completely and utterly devastated. I did what I had to do but also quit eating and sleeping for weeks. I spent eons on the couch with mindless TV playing as background noise.

Slowly, with the support and caring of this group, I began to come out of my fog. Now, two plus years later, I am doing well. I've determined which friends remain and which ones could not go the distance. I've expanded my group of friends and again have people in my life that are fun to be around and accept me as I am now (without my spouse at my side). My adult children remain rocks. They check in on me frequently and I see them often. We were able to coordinate a family vacation this summer to a spot we had gone to often when they were younger. It was an awesome week!

Please know that I have been reading your posts and cheering you on from afar. Again, please forgive me for not jumping in sooner. I started posts to you several times but wanted to reread your earlier posts before commenting.

I applaud you for standing up to your sister, for taking on a project of the magnitude of staining your deck, for venturing out to play bingo and visit a winery, and for everything you are doing. Good for you for making a doctor's visit happen and exploring adding some meds to help you through this incredibly difficult time. Why not also see a therapist? Hopefully, it won't hurt. Ideally, it will likely help immensely.

Please take care of you now. I know from experience, this is much easier said than done.

Hugs, Debbie S

Comment by deborah peck on October 7, 2017 at 11:13am

I have a doc apt later this month to see about getting on meds even though I don't take meds and do mostly natural, I am desperate and am thinking about going to see a therapist too, so glad you are starting to feel better and starting to see your old self again. I don't remember feeling this way when my 1st husband passed but my girls were small and I was so busy with them too,  thanks Debbie

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on October 6, 2017 at 10:32pm

I know you want "you" back and I want "me" back too. Our old selves are in there somewhere. But we will be changed. I know it feels so unnatural to feel so sad all of the time. Its so terrible and exhausting. To be sad for 5 months straight is literally exhausting. I am day 8 on the low-dose Prozac and I can say I really feel like it is starting to take the edge off. I feel like old glimmers of my old self is starting to shine though and I feel less anxious. I've had more energy and feel more inspired and motivated to do things and see people. After 6 months of hell its a relief. It could also be the diet the doctor told me to go on too to regulate my blood sugar to handle the chronic stress, and also the techniques I've learned in therapy but it seems like things are starting to help. I am so glad you have your daughter for support. -- K

 

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