Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: on Wednesday
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Legacy.com Dec 28, 2017.
Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017.
Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017.
Kaela.......Don't worry about the language. We all get very frustrated and have to let it out. You make a valid point. I think we spend so much time worrying about other people and trying to act/feel normal for their sake. You're absolutely correct.......it's not normal for a 30 year old to go on vacation and die in bed. You shouldn't be expected to pretend otherwise. You may need to start reminding people of this for the sake of your sanity.
I feel like I spend so much time angry and yelling at people in my head so that I won't tell all my family, friends and acquaintances to F off when they say stupid things. This leads to my previous comment about educating people. For my own sanity, I need for people to know why what they said isn't helpful. For those I know won't even try to get it, I'll just say we can continue the conversation when their spouse dies.
I hope today was a tolerable day for you.
I was just reflecting tonight after a really hard, anxious day. My husband's aunt was saying how the first year after losing her husband was complete insanity. And it continues of course past the first year. I was reflecting on what she said and it occurred to me: I waste so much time and energy trying to be "normal." I put so much effort into trying to be stable and normal. And why should I? What happened to be wasn't normal. It's not normal to be 30, and go on vacation and walk in and find your 31 year old husband dead on the bed. Its not normal to have to do CPR on your husband and call 911 and deal with all the king's horses and all the king's men. Its not normal to have to cremate your husband's body 8 months after you finally got married after 10 years of being together. Its not FUCKING normal so why should I have to devote all this time and energy in trying to be normal and stable and put pressure on myself to do so? I am tired of trying to push my crazy away and I just want to embrace the fact that I am going to be really screwed up and angry for a really, really long time and those that don't understand don't need to be in my life.
PS- I am sorry for the language and the rant. Its been a "day."
Steve.....that's a great poem. I never thought of it that way, that we can say we're doing well because we allow ourselves to grieve. That certainly has to be healthier than holding it in and pretending we don't feel anything. Society looks at grieving as our not doing well and getting over it. We all need to change that thought process one person at a time. I try to be brutally honest when someone asks me about how I'm doing, not because I want to cause them discomfort but because I want them to carry the knowledge forward. It can only help for the next family/friend they have who suffers a devastating loss.
My friends' father entered hospice a week ago. He has about a month left if that. When I was talking to her last week, she had a different understanding of what Ken and I went through. Even though she was there for us, visited Ken in the hospital etc she didn't truly understand what I was going through. Now that she's facing the loss of her father, she realizes that as hard as this is, if she were to lose her husband it would be much more devastating. It's unfortunate that we have to endure these losses in order to understand.
Love the poem! It sums things up so well!
Steve I love the poem it should be posted everywhere so everyone can read it. I learned a long time aga after my 1st husband passed away that you don't ever get over someone you love passing away, you just go on and eventually it gets easier but its never gone, My nephew had a son pass 2 years ago and looked to me for assurance that it would be "better" soon, I was honest and told him it would be a long time but it never truly goes away he looked at me and said "that sucks", I said yes it does.People that haven't been thru it don't understand that as long as we continue to love the person that passed away we will always grieve for them, for what could of been if they were still here, Debbie P
On one of my trips home after Mark’s death, I was out with my family and during our conversations someone asked me “are you better now”… I hesitated and responded yes. Later on when I was alone in my hotel room, the question resonated through my thoughts and I wondered why I said yes when inside I did not really feel as if I was doing any better. It was just my way of not rocking the boat, still trying to blend in as if everything was OK in my life, and not wanting to change the mood at the table.
Months later back in Dallas, I still could not get that question out of my thoughts as it would pop up from time to time. People say time heals all wounds and I still wondered, does it really or do we just move along down our path through this life and become numb to the losses in our lives.
Each one of us on this site at one time or another have had to field questions or statements from friends or family expecting us to be done with or over our grief and as I read through these posts it always brings back the above memory that I had pushed aside, so I decided to Google grief as I often do to look for poems, I found this one and as I read it, I realized I had indeed given a true and honest answer to my family:
The other day I thought of you
And tears slid down my face
The friend I was with, looked disappointed…
“I thought you doing better” she said
I thought about this and replied…
When someone has died it is okay to hurt
When you hurt it is okay to cry
When you cry it is okay
Doing “well” is honestly expressing true emotions
Wherever and whenever they happen
Grief is the natural response to loss
Crying is a natural response to grief
I am grieving, I am doing well
Debby P, Please be extra kind to yourself today. 5 months is a relatively short amount of time although it feels like forever. Please know your legacy friends are with you today and have an understanding of what you are going through right now. Hugs. Debbie
Debby P, It does take time to heal. I'm with you on patience - my own patience is often lacking. I mentioned the therapist idea because I read in your post that you were considering seeing one. You'll know if that is the right path for you to take. You haven't had a lot of time to absorb everything. Giving yourself time to be is a good idea. I needed to do that to allow my soul the freedom to begin to grasp my reality and then allow time for me to move through the fog that had enveloped my life. I've recaptured a reservoir of strength that was completing drained for a long time. Please know I am cheering you on from VA. Debbie
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