Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on October 20, 2017 at 10:36pm
Thanks guys...I probably have a whole lot to say..but these antibiotics are REALLY screwing with me. But, I looked online, and yes, they can make you depressed and full of anxiety...and this is the time of year 2 years ago the day after Halloween we got Bobs cancer diagnosis.
Deb S, at least you fi
Nd yourself moving forward. I seem to b stuck and not able to do the simplest thing, like clean out even ONE drawer...oh well time for bed.
There were some wonderful things about my trip...even tho it wasn,t the trip of a lifetime, the closeness my daughter and I have was cemented even more, and I actually went wading in the Atlantic Ocean! It isALOT warmer than the pacific...and Virginia Beach is one of the prettiest cities I have ever seen...we got to stay at a HILTON that usually costs $250. Per night, for only $50 a nite, cuz Melinda had racked up points on her business THAT was really cool! And the food everywhere was really really good. Trust me, in Oklahoma the only seafood they offer is Catfish! They have no clue here! Ok goodnight my friends
Comment by Deb S on October 20, 2017 at 5:24pm

Dear friends, Our group has been a bit quiet recently. I can take some of the credit for that as I'm not posting as often as I used to post. Nevertheless, each of you remain in my thoughts. I hope that everyone is doing as well as can be expected. 

I consider myself a strong person but the raw grief experienced by the loss of my husband was an experience that I find hard to put into words. Uncontrollable crying?  Affirmative. Days spent semi-comatose on a couch? Affirmative. Weeks without food or sleep? Affirmative. Minutes and hours and days and months and years in a fog?  Affirmative.

I am now moving forward again. This is not the life I planned but it is my life. Since I have no alternative, it will have to do and I will have to do it well. That's how I roll.

I'd love to hear updates from everyone. I miss you!!!!  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on October 20, 2017 at 5:14pm

Mary Jane, Like Debby P, I'm sorry you are sick and that your trip wasn't amazing. Rain every day isn't welcome when on vacation. I hope you feel better soon.  Debbie

Comment by deborah peck on October 20, 2017 at 2:51pm

sry to hear that you are sick Mary Jane, even sadder to hear your trip wasn't what you wanted it to be, its so hard to go away and then come back to a silent house. How is your cat? hope it wasn't anything serious, get some rest , debby P

Comment by Mary. Jane on October 19, 2017 at 5:25pm
Hi guys..I’m baaack. It was a wonderful, but terribly weird trip..overshadowed HUGELY by the fires in Santa Rosa CA...where my daughter lives 30 miles from. By the grace of God, the wind went East instead of West..leaving her area untouched...but many of her co-workers lost their homes.
This is going to be a very short post...I developed a deep cough about 2 Days b4 I flew home, at the Dr today, confirmed walking pneumonia, and the antibiotics are really doing a number on my body. I did follow Legacy during the trip, and it did seem kinda the Facebook site done yet? Do you like it? Ok, I know this is an odd post, but I am in a very odd place..oh yeah, the day after I returned I had to take kitty to the vet! I don,t think I will b going away again for quite awhile. Last Dec I was ok, cuz I still was in denial that BOb was really dead..this time I had faced that fact, and really missed it rained almost every day. So I will post again when I feel better. Bye guys.
Comment by deborah peck on October 19, 2017 at 3:57pm

I went to a seminar last night with the author as the speaker, have been reading the book and doing the journal for awhile now, I think its very helpful, don't try to get thru the book fast, its meant to be a slow read. also I got a meditation BOOK HE wrote called Grief One Day At A Time, its dated for every day of the year and you find the days date and read one a day, I like it so far, just got it last night

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on October 19, 2017 at 11:59am

Hi Deborah,

Thank you so much for that recommendation. I actually ended up getting that today on the kindle and I also got the journal that goes  along with it! This seems like it will be really helpful. Thanks!

Comment by deborah peck on October 19, 2017 at 7:54am

Kaela you need to get the book Understanding Your grief by Alan Wolfelt, its so good and verifys all of these feelings that we all have , hes a grief counselor and has written multiple books 

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on October 17, 2017 at 1:23am

Thank you Sara. You made me laugh when you talk about yelling at your friends and family in your head so you don't tell them to F off. Luckily, my close family and friends seem to really understand except for the occasional moments (and I feel cranky at them). I have had a few acquaintances from work ask me how I am doing, and when I tell them they go, "Why?" Its like "UMMMM..." I had another woman, who I used to really like, message me, "I'm sure Brian wouldn't want you to feel so sad" and "I hope you can get back to approaching life with enthusiasm and zest!" I know she meant well, but I wanted to throw my laptop across the room at that point lol.

It is me who is the hardest on myself. I beat myself up like, "Why are you still so tired?" "You shouldn't be doing this" "you shouldn't be doing that," freaking out and trying to resist my anxieties rather than just accepting it, beating myself up for not being normal. Trying to force myself to be an act normal when there is no way I can be. Starting today I have made an effort to fight those feelings. I caught myself several times and told myself to stop. I have to be kinder to myself. I also have some friends who have been trying to pressure me to drive 3 hours to their town to visit and I just can't. Its so hard for me to socialize right now and people are just going to have to understand or its bye bye. 

I LOVE that response of "We can continue this conversation when your spouse dies" to people who are being extra insensitive or don't get it. I may just use that. 

Today was much better and tolerable. I hope your day was okay as well. :-)

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 16, 2017 at 9:32pm

Kaela.......Don't worry about the language.   We all get very frustrated and have to let it out.   You make a valid point.  I think we spend so much time worrying about other people and trying to act/feel normal for their sake.  You're absolutely's not normal for a 30 year old to go on vacation and die in bed.   You shouldn't be expected to pretend otherwise.  You may need to start reminding people of this for the sake of your sanity.

I feel like I spend so much time angry and yelling at people in my head so that I won't tell all my family, friends and acquaintances to F off when they say stupid things.  This leads to my previous comment about educating people.  For my  own sanity, I need for people to know why what they said isn't helpful.  For those I know won't even try to get it, I'll just say we can continue the conversation when their spouse dies. 

I hope today was a tolerable day for you. 


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