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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on November 3, 2017 at 11:25am

Marsha so glad you found your love with your 2nd husband , that love will always be there, I have had 2 great loves in my life both ending in their deaths, I was married to my 1st husband for 15 1/2 and had three daughters then met my 2nd husband and was married 25 years and had one daughter that we adopted, Got married the 1st time at 17 yrs old, he was 21, I was truly blessed to experience true love twice when some never have that kind of love, just really makes me angry that I had to lose both of them, 

Comment by Marsha H on November 3, 2017 at 3:27am

Kaela ...  I am so very proud of you for going ahead with Halloween; carving the pumpkin and dressing up for the little ones.  That's why I still do Christmas I said before.  It's sort of like carrying the torch for our spouses.  They loved it so much and we carry on for them.  What a legacy!

Yes, unfortunately, most who have had a spouse pass away find one or the other family not all that receptive, but, they too feel grief and everyone goes through grief at a different length of time.  Sometimes I think because they see us reminds them of the one who has passed away.  I know given time Kaela that 'time' is the secret and one day things will begin to settle down.

You have taken such a huge step in your grief and that means you are stronger than you think.  I too shed tears decorating the Christmas tree (Ernie and I would celebrate our Christmas together at one minute after midnight and I so miss that.   I find that New Year's Eve is particularly difficult for me.  Still, we forge on and things will get better.

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on November 3, 2017 at 1:29am

Marsha and Deborah,

Thank you both so much for validating my feelings about the holidays. I am just realizing they will be harder than I thought. Halloween was always kind of our holiday. When we were younger we'd go out and as we got older we didn't do much but we'd go out to dinner or drive around or walk around, watch movies, carve pumpkins, etc. On Halloween this year in the middle of pumpkin carving I just burst into tears and went to go cry in my room. I didn't think I wanted to participate anymore but I ended up finishing the pumpkin, putting on the costume and handing out the candy and I ended up enjoying myself.

Anyway, it just sucks. I am sorry again to hear about the family conflicts. I was talking to my mother-in-law tonight and she has been having a lot of conflict with her other son. Lots of tension as everyone is grieving. Sigh.

- Kaela

Comment by Marsha H on November 2, 2017 at 11:38pm

Debby ...  I am so sorry I got it confused and no, it wasn't your fault at all.  Now I understand!  Still, you are right you would think your first husband's family would want your children around so they could still have part of their son.  I know at this time so many things are coming at you and you're not sure where you're going yet, but just soak up the love Greg's family has for you and the girls and never mind about your first in-laws.  It is their loss! 

By the way, I was married before and the marriage last 3 1/2 years and then I met my soul mate Ernie and we were married for almost 40 years.  I feel so blessed to have met him and have so many fond memories of the two of us.  Some people never get that.

Comment by deborah peck on November 2, 2017 at 10:28pm

Marsha, I know this is so confusing to other people, it is the family of my 1st husband Rob who don't have anything to do with me or my girls, My second husband Gregs family totally embraces us into their family, sometimes since Greg has passed I have a hard time separating the two of them  since going thru this twice is very confusing in my head at times so cant imagine how it is for other people to understand. You are right in the fact that I cant understand how my girls dads family would not want to see them at least as they are a part of him, its their loss.   Debby

Comment by deborah peck on November 2, 2017 at 10:23pm

Kaela, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time right now, I know it just kinda comes in waves doesn't it and it seems to me that the waves go on longer now then in the beginning, I don't know why that is like this for me. Being tired really does make a difference in how you are coping, hopefully this wave will pass soon for you. Debby

Comment by Marsha H on November 2, 2017 at 6:08pm

Hi Kaela ...  Thank you for sharing that informative and encouraging post regarding families.

It is very normal to get depressed and feel out of sorts when occasions such as Halloween and coming holidays are near.  Once we had our spouses to share these things with and now we miss them more than ever.  I started by keeping up the Christmas tradition in my home because Ernie and I loved Christmas and I've continued to do so.  I did actually find some peace in it all.  I have no children, but a 2 year old Great-Niece and even though this year I just haven't felt all warm and fuzzy for the up-coming holidays I will continue to put that tree up.  As time goes by we grow stronger through our grief and although we will always miss our spouses we the heart-wrenching feelings we had at the beginning of grief become less.  I suppose we get use to the new routine.  Getting angry is also normal.  I've gotten angry at God and the very love of my life Ernie just because he passed away.  Sounds silly because he couldn't help it, but the hurt in our hearts and the day-to-day struggles make us feel lonely, depressed and often alone.  That to shall pass.

I wish you peace and only good things coming your way.

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on November 2, 2017 at 4:16pm

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to come on here and reach out and say hi. I have been noticing everyone has been having difficulties with their family, especially as the holidays are upon us. I am lucky that I am so close with my husband's family and they treat me like a daughter. I have been having conflicts with my own family though. I think the stress and the grief just gets to everyone and everyone ends up butting heads and not doing the right things, and maybe this is also the case with your families. 

I also wanted to reach out on here again because I have been going through a really rough time the last two weeks. I am not sure if its because of Halloween and the beginning of the holidays or what but I am just having a really, really, rough time. I just feel extremely depressed and angry. I don't know what to do with myself. School has been keeping me very busy, so I am probably just really exhausted. I just miss him so much its unbearable. Can't stand it. :-(

- Kaela

Comment by Marsha H on November 2, 2017 at 3:58pm

Debbie P ....  I feel so sad for you that Greg's family has not accepted you and your girls.  It's odd to say the least because generally the mother of the deceased wants the children of their son or daughter around as it's part of them.  Perhaps when you feel up to it call them and have a chat with them.  Often people are just guessing at how we must be feeling when our spouse has passed away.  I hope and pray all turns out for you.

I too put up a Christmas tree in memory of Ernie and have a wreath over the fireplace and after 2 years started to have two Christmas buffets; one for my own immediate family and one for friends.  It did help.  Now I have a great-niece who is just 2 years old and I feel I should put up the tree this year for her as well. 

Comment by Chicago Beard on November 2, 2017 at 10:33am

Have been reading the posts about not being included in family affairs once our loved one passed away. That is one area where I was blessed. I was treated the same even though it was my Rose that everyone liked more than me. Everyone has also accepted my new relationship with no issues. I am fortunate in that regard.

 

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