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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on November 12, 2017 at 2:54pm

Deborah P ...  I am so sorry to read you had such a terrible nightmare, but some people do have dreams such as this.  I have had a few nightmares such as this shortly after Ernie passed away and I felt helpless, felt like I needed consoling that everything would be OK or, I'd wake up from this terrible nightmare and everything would be as before when Ernie was alive.  A couple of years later I came to realize that dreams, good or bad, actually are good for us to release stress of things that we find intolerable to bare during our daily lives as it's a release mechanism.  I realized even the nightmares of not being able to help Ernie and for the first time in my life not being able to control the situation or just make things right was a hard hit on me.  It's normal for many people to have nightmares.

If this will help where your Greg was dying and you couldn't help no matter what the circumstances.  With Greg not comforting you it was because he couldn't, he was sick and unable to do so.  In many cases for a spouse passes suddenly with no warning the guilt of the surviving spouse feels they should have known and done something about it.  There are many scenarios to these dreams.  I also felt within myself I didn't know where Ernie had gone after passing and there was no way of knowing if he was at peace even though I am a Christian there is always that question in  my mind.  It's a big question I can't answer.  That's what makes grieving so hard.  I do feel our spouses are around us in times of trouble. 

I was having dreams of Ernie where he looked young when we first met and one dream we were in a little shop and I went to the back to look at things and when I came back he was standing in the middle of the store with his arm around this young girl's shoulder and he told me he didn't love me anymore.  I woke up crying and doubting him as the day went on, but then I realized he had always been faithful to me and that this dream was a twisted way of letting me know he wouldn't be in my life any longer.  Some people even study dreams to see what their meanings are. 

I pray you don't have any nightmares again, but, know it's normal.

Comment by deborah peck on November 12, 2017 at 10:30am

Today is the 6 month anniversary of Gregs passing woke up this morning having a horrible nightmare where he was dying and not supposed to live thru the weekend I was sobbing in the dream and he was standing beside me looking at me but not trying to comfort me, was very weird and a horrible way to start this sad day

Comment by deborah peck on November 10, 2017 at 10:36am

I too believe in signs from our loved ones, I awoke out of a sound sleep to the smell of Gregs aftershave one day and smiled to myself knowing he was near so treasure the feathers and other signs they send as its from them. This is what happened a few days after my mom passed, I  came home from her house a couple of days after she passed and was walking into my bedroom pleading with her in my mind to let me here her say my name one more time, my kids and husband were standing near and I heard her say my name, I turned around thinking it was one of my family and just kinda shrugged it off and then I heard her say clearly Deb which is what she always called me so II smiled and thanked her, so no I wasn't going crazy it was her voice and her sign that she was near

Comment by Marsha H on November 10, 2017 at 5:19am

Mary,Jane ...  I've read so many things on subject and yes, they say feathers, coins, scents (if they wore aftershave) and I believe it.  The day that Ernie passed away and my girlfriend drove me home she had really wanted to stay with me, but I was in such denial he was gone I told her to go home.  She reluctantly did so.  I wandered aimlessly in the gardens and rounded the corner and as I just stood and stared at the flowers a Blue Jay swooped down and dropped a blue feather.  I knew it was Ernie as if to say, 'I free, out of pain, but letting you know I'm OK.'  Like you, I kept the feather and still have it although it's lost the blue on it and turned gray.  No one knows what can happen and until they prove otherwise I believe these are messages from our loved ones.

Comment by Marsha H on November 10, 2017 at 5:14am

Deborah ...  I read your post with tears and I agree with you that we are in such pain missing our loving spouses we forget others miss them too.  Thank you for that post!

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 9, 2017 at 9:45pm

Mary Jane.......Yes, definitely that was a feather from heaven.  Feathers are one of the signs our loved ones use to let us know they are near.  Bob wanted you to know that he was with you and your daughter that day at the ocean.

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 9, 2017 at 9:42pm

Steve......I think it would be fascinating to sit around a fire with you and Chuck (sorry, can't call him Charley) and listen to your stories as you both have a way of setting the scene that really draws you in.  I knew Mark had difficulties with his family but didn't realize it was to the extent that he was written out completely.  My heart aches for him and the pain he must have felt.  I'm so happy he met you and got to live the life he was meant to live.  Nov 20 and 22 are good days as my best friends' birthday is the 20th and my sisters (twins) birthday is the 22nd.   Since those are happy days, then your closing and move will go smoothly.

Sending love and peace to both of you.

Sara

Comment by deborah peck on November 9, 2017 at 3:57pm

Dear Steve, your story moved me to tears and happiness, sad for Mark and the loss he suffered with his own family and sad for you for losing your love but happiness for you and your love now. I think destiny if a powerful force in our lives and this is the way it is supposed to be for you both and I only wish you love and happiness as you both embark on this new chapter in your lives, much love, Debbie

Comment by Steve on November 9, 2017 at 2:05pm

Moving part 3

Charley and I struck up an online friendship by posting on the grief site that we both belonged to.  Something about him and the way he wrote about his life with such honesty and purpose caught my attention.  He had a way of getting through the layers of protection I had become so accustomed with, and drew me out of my shell.  I wrote a short story sometime back called a “Trail of Feathers” in which I detailed out just how we were led to each other not by our own doing.  Our life together is a step along a path that we were both set on a long time ago and now a new chapter of our life together will begin later on this month as we finish up packing and moving to another state.  Moving to Dallas this time will be much different for me and a totally new adventure for Charley, I am returning to the city full of friends with an extended family that not only embraces me for who I am but also embraces Charley for whom he is as well.  Charley and I move forward not knowing how or where our parallel paths with take us, just as long as we are together.  Of course, our departed loved ones will accompany us and guide us as they truly both were involved in our meeting each other.   

November for most folks in the US has always been a month of Thanksgiving, today both Charley and I can give thanks for all of our wonderful friends and family that support us and love us for the individual personas that we truly are; indeed November is a month to be thankful for what we have and not to worry about what we do not have.  Peace to one and all, may God bless and keep you safe and happy.

As it stands now, closing on the house will be November 20, and we will be headed south to Dallas the morning of November 22.

Comment by Steve on November 9, 2017 at 2:03pm

Moving part 2

Mark, as with most young males of any family, was pressured to attend college, get married and have children.  Mark knew at an early age, as most gay men are aware of, that he was different; sure he wanted to finish college and have a career, he just did not want to get married and have children. Mark did get married and fathered a son and as he tried to live a false life just to please his family he found out all too soon that he could not live a lie.  Mark and his wife agreed to separate, upon telling his family and the reason why, their response was to discard his wants and to further pressure him to stay married and raise his son.  His family would not accept any other alternative and when Mark pressed his position that he would not they actually offered him a large sum of money to help change his mind.  Mark declined their offer and his family discarded him as he were a used paper cup, canceling his inheritance, his trust fund and broke all ties with him telling him that he was no longer part of the family.  They in turn finalized his divorce, made it impossible for him to have any contact with his son and left him with nothing.

 

Mark accepted his fate, he dusted himself off and moved on.  Mark and I met and through all the years together he never once regretted his decision, however, his feelings for his family never improved.  Just before his passing he made me promise that I would not try to find anyone in his family ever, no matter what may happen to him.  I have kept his promise and will continue to do so, I remember the day he died and during my grief I felt as if I were grieving for both of us.  His loss of his family and the fact that they never knew the wonderful person he really was and of course my own loss of loosing my best friend, my soul mate and my one and only true love.  I often think of Mark and try to understand the depth of the pain he must have felt being tossed aside by his family as if he never existed to them.  

 

November will always be a month of much reflection for me and now one of joy as well.  A little over a year ago while writing my daily post to the online grief site I was a member of, I discovered a gentleman on the site that had also lost his partner, actually he lost his husband, they had had a civil union a few years before.  Little did I imagine he would be the reason that I would pack up my belongings, retire from work and head my little red car for New Jersey.

 

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