Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Christine Blaire on November 18, 2017 at 10:14am

I am crying all the time and lost 35 lbs since Aug. 25 when he was diagnosed. I think I've gone thru more tissues this month than my whole life. I see the therapist on Monday morning but don't feel it will help. The reason I said that I couldn't do anything till March because my life insurance won't pay till then because my cremation will be paid for and lot rent here will be paid till all can be settled. Oh I have family and friend support but they have their own lives. All I see ahead is a miserable existence. Oh I's what you make of it. So many people have told me that I'm a strong woman. I'm not...I was strong for him. Had a mother who was German and openly favored my brother. I was close to him being six years older knew it wasn't his fault. Wanted to be a nurse, even took and passed all the exams to only be told that education is wasted on a girl. They could afford it too. At that time I was dating a man who got transformed to Indiana. He was lonely and I wanted out of that house so we married. We were friends, never really loving him. It ended one son and nine years later. Met the second husband. First time he hit me our daughter was about a month old. Physical abuse till I took the gun my brother committed suicide with and shot at him. The verbal abuse was indescribable. He was a man capable of evil things that he made sure I knew about so I wouldn't leave. In 2001 he raped me. I took care of him when he was sick but he never touched me again. After he died in 2007 I didn't want to date because I was afraid I'd find someone worse. Well I didn't. I can't explain how much I love him because there are no words. My :-P is really bad and I don't take one of the two pills I'm supposed to take. Doing research I found out that lisinopril which is used for hi :-P will lower your heart rate till it stops if you take enough. So I'm stock piling. Unfortunately women in my family live long lives. I told the therapist that I will not live another twenty some years without him. I never knew love like that existed, that it was in movies and books. I also know that I was fortunate to find that kind of love cause not everyone does. I think that because of that it's why I know I won't be here long. If I get sick...whatever will be will be. I told the therapist that too. Yes a lot of good memories but then I come back to reality.  I know...time make o new normal and all that but why? Why do we have to go when we are so unhappy? Why go on of no use to yourself or anyone else? I don't believe that's what God wants. Aren't we supposed to embrace life and take joy in all God's wonders? I have a hard time believing that he wants us to be in so much pain, that's why he takes those who are sick. Doesn't he mean for us to be happy and enjoy the life he has given us? When that joy is gone and we enjoy nothing in this life we should be able to end it in peace. Right now I'm just going thru the motions . I understand what dying of a broken heart means. 

Comment by Marsha H on November 16, 2017 at 5:51pm

Dear Christine ...  I am so thrilled you are not only seeing a therapist, but intend on staying on this website.  There generally is someone on to answer your post even if it's the wee hours of the morning.  I live just outside of Vancouver, B.C., Canada and our time differences allow me to check the board when most others are busy or sleeping for the night.

If you feel your therapist for some reason isn't getting the message of how you feel then join a group.  I was in group therapy at a church and it felt better to be around those that were grieving such as I was.

I forgot to tell you I had a 'Celebration of Life' for Ernie and I have his ashes in my curio cabinet and when it's my time our ashes will be thrown to the river he loved best.  Just like you, there was a time I wished it was all over and I was with him once again.  The reason you feel strange looking at your husbands urn is because we've been with them physically and it's a cold reality to see just an urn or a box of ashes that we know was once them.  However, as Mary Jane said so well in her post (I have experienced it myself) your husband's spirit is near you and giving you strength.  I have had many experiences and even years after Ernie's death.  So my dear friend just remember, your husband is right there even though you can't see him.  Sometimes we get a peaceful feeling inside, a feeling someone is there, signs of feathers, coins, even dreams and that's your husband.  Therapists or grief counselors may try to make you believe this is NOT true, but it is and no one knows what happens after death so take comfort that many of us have had experiences of our loved one close by.  When you feel up to it I'm sure some of us will share what we experienced.

Know right now that you are not alone and we're right here for you and when you're down we'll pick you up and believe it or not you will surprise yourself by comforting others on this site.  It just gets better and better after that so hang on tight and trust in us.



Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on November 16, 2017 at 4:44pm

Hi Christine,

I am so glad you came here. It has helped me so much over these past 7 months. I have been where you a fog, wanting to die, feeling like you will die. But I promise you you will heal with time and with support. I am so glad you are seeing a therapist and be open with her about your feelings and she can get you even more support.

In telling you a little bit about my story, my husband and I were together for 10 years. In July of 2015 we were married finally. In March of 2017, we were on a weekend vacation in Carmel and I came to sleep out in the living room because he was snoring. I came back in the bedroom in the morning to find him face down on the bed, passed away. I did everything I could, CPR, calling 911, etc. but it was too late. He was only 31. I am 30. Undiagnosed heart condition which caused his heart to just give out. We were just starting a new chapter of our lives together and he was taken from me. We were supposed to grow old together, now I am a 30-year-old widow. I can tell you it still hurts so much and I am still pretty out of it but I am definitely better than I was during the first few weeks and few months. They tell us in grief counseling to not make any important decisions for 2 years. Of course you want to die right now. Please please give yourself time to heal. 

- Kaela

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 16, 2017 at 4:17pm

Thank you Debbie and Marsha. I intend to be on this site because it seems you all can understand these awful emotions. I did start to see a therapist so will see how that works out. It's hard to explain the pain you feel to people who have never gone thru this. Our urn came's beautiful but hard to explain how I feel. It's a companion urn and I just want to be in it with him. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 16, 2017 at 4:09pm
Dear Christine:
Are you saying he’s only been gone for a little over TWO WEEKS??? Oh did the right thing in coming here.
Of COURSE you feel like your life is over, and you want to die! You are still in shock. You say time heals...that IS a bunch of crap when someone you love dies. BUT time DOES change things...and for the better. I know it doesn,t seem like it now, but I promise you, in its own weird way, it DOES get better. Like you, as I type this, I am sitting next to Bobs ashes...he died 21 months ago, after 49 years of marriage. He was only sick for four months...and your age has nothing to do with anything. I am 71, and alone...I have thought of suicide a multitude of times..but I have finally reasoned, that there must be a purpose for me being here, otherwise I would have died too. There is a flame in the heart of every one of us...sometimes it glows brighter, sometimes it is dim and nearly gone...just a spark...but it is there. I can feel it when I get really depressed...or sick, and don,t care if I die..that is when I can feel it..the will to live. And I know you feel it too. Otherwise you wouldn,t care when your insurance kicked in. Go with that. I cannot promise it will get better. He is gone, and nothing can change that..but YOU will get might not recognize it, but you will slowly begin to feel things again..
For now...sleep all day if that’s what you want to do.
Something that really helps me, besides coming here, is I TALK to BOb...all day long! I imagine him kinda floating around me all day,so I talk to him. Many times he finds items for me that I have lost..yes, it is why not talk to your husband? It brings me comfort, and Helps me keep in some sort of contact. I even tell him when I remember something crummy he did...and how angry he made me at times.
Ok, I have rattled on long name is Mary Jane, it is nice to meet you...and we will be with you during this painful journey.
Comment by Marsha H on November 16, 2017 at 2:45pm

Dear Christine ...  My deepest condolences to you on the loss of your husband.  I too was married to an abusive man and eventually met my 'soul mate' and we were married almost 40 years.  He passed April 27, 2011 from pancreatic/liver cancer.  My husband was a tall man and about 225 lbs., and he always made me feel safe.  We got along so well together and even our friends would comment on how a room lit up when we walked in.  I couldn't believe the love of my life was gone and why him?  Why after we found each other that he had to leave me?  I went through all sorts of emotions such as 'if you choose you should be able to go with your spouse' and I felt I was in a living hell.  His parents were gone, so were mine and unfortunately, we were unable to have children.  I only have a small immediate family and when I went to grief counseling they warned all members that soon so-called loyal long-term friends would almost disappear as they got on with their own lives.  I felt so very alone and I will admit I can still feel that way.  It took me awhile to even bother to open the curtains, answer the phone and I just existed.  A couple of my girlfriends would come by for a visit, but I was in a fog and I just didn't want to 'be here.'  I'd sleep late so I wouldn't have to face more hours of the day and early evening without my the love of my life.  Eventually, I came to the realization that my Ernie wouldn't want me to go through life this way and I believed that one day we would be reunited.  When married we learned wise things from each other and I decided I had to stay alive to pass those wise things off Ernie left to me (a true gift.)  Whether you believe or not hon, you can move on in life and carry the torch for your spouse as he sounds like he was such a wonderful man.  May I suggest you go to either group grief counseling or if you feel more comfortable go to a one-on-one psychologist to discuss how you feel and it really does help.  It makes you feel as if you are not alone.  Also this site was a lifesaver for me as I was in the same spot you are in now not wanting to move on, but this site and the members were so welcoming and keep me going and if I did fall down every so often they were angels and picked me up.

I hope you will give this site a try and let us help you.  We'll be here for you and we never judge anyone when they post.

A big hug to you


Comment by deborah peck on November 16, 2017 at 12:23pm

dear Christine, I'm sorry your in so much pain, I know exactly how you feel, on not wanting to be here, ita very hard to go on after losing a spouse, I too lost 2 husbands, one when I was 32 and then my husband Greg who passed in May, its very difficult to get thru and to think of going the rest of your life without your spouse but you and I both know we can do it because we already have, and we know time does not heal anything, we just learn to go on. Suicide is not the answer, my dad commited suicide and I know the pain it leaves to deal with for family and friends, its not the right thing to do to everyone else. Its still so new for you (me too) and the approaching Holidays make it that much worse but get thru it we will, Concentrate on day by day instead of the future right now, its too painful to even think of the future. Don't give up, you can and will get thru this and we are all here to help you so keep reaching out and we will do it together one day at a time  Debby P

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 16, 2017 at 11:10am

My husband and I met late in life...he widowed . He was a very abusive man and by time he passed I had no feelings left for him. Four years later I met my soul mate, the love of my life. In the five and a half years we were together we never had a cross word,held hands all the time and loved each other more than words can say. He had a Dr. Who did not listen to his complaints so we switched drs. August 25 he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Infection set in and he passed  Nov. 1. As I write this his ashes are sitting in front of me. I don't want to be here at the end he promised to wait for me. I feel like a robot. My life insurance won't pay for suicide till March. My brother who was very ill committed suicide 30 years ago. I am 66 and I will NOT live another twenty something years without him.if we are hurting so bad and hate waking up in the morning why can't we just go? I know....time heals and all that crap but I don't believe it and know it doesn't apply to me.

Comment by Steve on November 16, 2017 at 7:31am

Good morning Legacy family, got my latest test results yesterday on my right hand and arm.  My neurologist has agreed with the first neurologist, I do not have carpal tunnel, he believes that I have some form of rheumatoid arthritis, however, he did give me script for getting a blood test for Lyme...

So for now, until we get to Dallas, will schedule a visit to a Rheumatologist after I get a blood test...

Thank you one and all for your support.

Comment by Marsha H on November 16, 2017 at 1:27am

Kaela ..  I hope you are doing better and I do think of you.  I can still have the odd nightmare if I'm under a lot of stress, but thankfully they generally go away.  Remember, it's your body's way of coping with stress.  It's very normal and more common than you think.   


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