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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on November 23, 2017 at 11:31pm

This was the 1st Thanksgiving without Greg and it was so hard, lots of tears and sadness but also is always nice to see family and most of them shed tears along with me and our girls, cant imagine how Christmas will be, wish I could just go spend it by myself but my family would panic if I did that oh well we all did get thru it and next year it will be that much easier because we will know that even though we don't want to we will survive the Holidays

Comment by Marsha H on November 23, 2017 at 4:28pm

Dear Christine ...  In raw grief the Happy holidays aren't so happy and seem to put more pressure on us to smile and 'put that mask on' when we only feel we want to curl up in a fetal position and cry or make the world go away.  I am so proud you are going to Marshall's sons for dinner.  I managed to do the same thing with my immediate family.  It wasn't easy, but I made it and felt exhausted when I got home.  Now after 6 years it's become much easier even though I look at that empty chair Ernie use to sit in, but I like to think he is there in spirit.

I am going to Bible Study tonight so will have the group say a prayer for you and hope your mammogram comes out just fine.  Because you have a lump doesn't mean it's the big 'C' word.  I have lump masses in both breasts so I have to have a mammogram and also another test to confirm all is well and so far so good.  I often feel ignorance is bliss at times, but something just makes me go which proves to me somewhere deep inside of me I still want to live.

I will be thinking of you Christine on Saturday when you have Marshall's Celebration of Life.  I had the same thing for Ernie and I didn't need sedatives because I was in too much shock.  I hardly remember anything.  I was glad when it was over.  Take care my friend and hang in there.

Comment by Marsha H on November 23, 2017 at 4:14pm

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO MY AMERICAN FRIENDS

Comment by David Heggi on November 23, 2017 at 4:06pm

Dear Chris,

So glad that you are able to write. Sharing here has become so vital to my survival that I have become an in-box junkie. Please stay with us.

Nice to get out? That's what they say, and I try too.  Do you have a good relationship with your son, other children?  How is he (they) dealing with the loss of your beloved Marshall? and I say that because my David will always be my beloved and not diminished by death.  I won't have it.

I am also glad you have gotten back with your Dr. - for the wrong reasons?  maybe, but at least you went. I understand that.  Sometimes  I find comfort in knowing, after two strokes, that I won't have a much longer  wait to be reunited with Dave -- I take any comfort anywhere I can find it;  it is whatever gets us thru the nite.

Because of our not having the time to wait for family and friends to gather for a celebration of life for David, I have dread, as I know that my guilt will win out and we will have the celebration at a later date.  I honestly don't know how I'll be able to handle it.  I have had to stuff it w/family and friends, and put on that face.  A celebration will yank my guts out and rip this face off - will I have to begin it all over again? Yeah, I'll need something too; hopefully it will be all of the fine folks here.

Please keep writing anything anytime, Chris.  It's OK no matter what you're feeling.

Love,

David H 

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 23, 2017 at 2:33pm

Happy thanksgiving to all. The words sound shallow don't they? This is the first time since 1972 that I haven't fixed thanksgiving dinner. I loved it and even though there were only for or six of us I had a big turkey. My Marshall loved it. Well this year I'm going to his sons house. I don't want to go but I know he'd want me too, plus I have to leave the house sometimes. Instead of wondering I called the Dr office late yesterday afternoon to schedule a mammogram. It was late so I couldn't go yesterday but they want to see me right away, so tomorrow afternoon we will see. I know they'll do a mammogram right away and hopefully they will want a biopsy and I will get good news that I will be able to see my Marshall sooner than expected. It's been there at least three months and it's not little. Then this Saturday there will be a celebration of my husband's life. I'm not driving cause I'm gonna need drugs for this!

Comment by Marsha H on November 23, 2017 at 2:20pm

Dear David ...  My Ernie passed away in 2011 and I know how difficult it is to go through all holidays without our spouses and even if we're lucky to spend a holiday with family or friends I use to feel like I was outside looking through a window at a happy group and I wasn't there at all.  As hard as I tried I couldn't get into the festivities b/c I missed Ernie so much, but I'd paste a smile on my face and by the time I got home I was exhausted.  I know your heart is breaking for your beloved spouse and I can promise you although you will feel 100% the same without your spouse during holidays it does get better.  It took me about 2 years before I scared myself by laughing out loud at one event.  From there things got a bit better.  I hope you do go out for a dinner if you are invited even though you are in raw grief.  If it's too much then you can make an excuse and leave at any given time and knowing that you don't feel so trapped.  It's important to be around family or friends and it's part of the healing process.  I wish you the best during Thanksgiving and pray you receive some warmth and love.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by David Heggi on November 23, 2017 at 10:20am

Happy Thanksgiving everyone,

It;s hard spending it w/o our loved ones; this will be the first Holiday for me, the next step of my high wire act.

Love, David H

Comment by deborah peck on November 22, 2017 at 11:19pm

Just want to wish all my friends on here a happy Thanksgiving and will be praying for all of you to have a good day  love Debbie

Comment by deborah peck on November 22, 2017 at 11:17am

Mary Jane, I wish you lived here, I would totally have you to my house for Thanksgiving. I'm not sure whether to be sad for or glad you are doing what you want. I would truly love to sleep the day away tomorrow but instead my entire extended family will be here at my house so today am cooking pies, getting turkey ready , ect... but I truly am blessed to have almost my whole family near me. .I am glad you got yourself and your furbaby a meal that you want and watching movies truly sounds like a nice comforting way to spend the day so enjoy yourself and just relax.  love Debbie

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 22, 2017 at 11:12am

Hi Mary Jane....I'll be going to my brothers' house which is only 10 minutes away.  It's always nice to spend time with my nieces but it's still a tough day.  Ken and I used to host the Thanksgiving holiday so I should be the one getting up early to prepare the turkey.  Ken should be whipping up the mashed potatoes because he loved doing that for some reason.  He also made a nice butternut squash seasoned with brown sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon and of course, tons of butter.  It was delicious.  This is something I could make if I wanted to but I never will.  There are certain things I will never make again and that's one of them.

I'm sorry you'll be staying home alone tomorrow.  I'm sure your nieces really don't mind driving if you change your mind.  If not, try to just think of it as any other Thursday and maybe that will take the sting out of it.

 

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