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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on November 22, 2017 at 11:19pm

Just want to wish all my friends on here a happy Thanksgiving and will be praying for all of you to have a good day  love Debbie

Comment by deborah peck on November 22, 2017 at 11:17am

Mary Jane, I wish you lived here, I would totally have you to my house for Thanksgiving. I'm not sure whether to be sad for or glad you are doing what you want. I would truly love to sleep the day away tomorrow but instead my entire extended family will be here at my house so today am cooking pies, getting turkey ready , ect... but I truly am blessed to have almost my whole family near me. .I am glad you got yourself and your furbaby a meal that you want and watching movies truly sounds like a nice comforting way to spend the day so enjoy yourself and just relax.  love Debbie

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 22, 2017 at 11:12am

Hi Mary Jane....I'll be going to my brothers' house which is only 10 minutes away.  It's always nice to spend time with my nieces but it's still a tough day.  Ken and I used to host the Thanksgiving holiday so I should be the one getting up early to prepare the turkey.  Ken should be whipping up the mashed potatoes because he loved doing that for some reason.  He also made a nice butternut squash seasoned with brown sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon and of course, tons of butter.  It was delicious.  This is something I could make if I wanted to but I never will.  There are certain things I will never make again and that's one of them.

I'm sorry you'll be staying home alone tomorrow.  I'm sure your nieces really don't mind driving if you change your mind.  If not, try to just think of it as any other Thursday and maybe that will take the sting out of it.

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 21, 2017 at 10:45pm
It also was Bobs favorite holiday...when u think about it, men get to eat and watch football all day, while us womenfolk bust their a$$es off cooking for days. LOL.
Comment by Mary. Jane on November 21, 2017 at 10:41pm
I have a question for all of you. Is anyone here spending ThNksgiving ALONE? I mean completely alone?
I have decided to stay home with only my kitty as my companion.
Yes, I could go to my nieces house, but it is 40 minutes away, they will pick me up and take me home, but my grand niece has to work until 6pm, probably wouldn,t get home until 7...and since, with my Epstein Barr, I never know how I will feel each evening. I don,t want to ruin everyone else’s dinner. So I decided not to go. I also don,t like the idea of one of three young people driving me home so late at night, and The area they live in is kinda rural...
So, tonight I bought myself some deli food, and I am going to sit here and watch TV. Is anyone else spending this holiday with just their furr babies?
Comment by Sara Murphy on November 21, 2017 at 10:22pm

'm just now catching up on my reading and want to especially reach out to Christine.  I haven't commented on her posts yet.  My heart is breaking for her but also, I see so much of myself not only in her words, but in the responses from others.  Christine.........you don't know my story so I'll briefly tell you.  I lost my husband Ken in Jan 16.  I met him in 1986 when I was 20 and lost him when I was 50 so I spent my entire adult life with him up until that point.  He is the absolute love of my life, the only person I've ever really wanted to spend time with and losing him was essentially losing my own life.  In fact, I consider 1/13/16 as the day my life ended and my existence began.  I understand everything you are feeling because I still cry for him every day and tell him I don't know how much longer I can do this.   I don't see a future.  I don't see light or feel joy.  I don't believe I'll ever be happy again.  Through all this though, I've never really thought of suicide.  I have enough of Ken's dilauded and fentanyl patches to choke a horse but would never take them.  He fought so hard for each day he had that if I were to just give up and end it, he would be so mad. I also wouldn't disrespect him that way.  Deb P wrote that we all believe the love we have we our spouses can't possibly be matched by anyone else and she's right.  I would tell Ken all the time that he was the most loved man on the planet.  It's probably hard for you to believe but life is a gift from God.  Now, this is something I have to remind myself of daily but I do believe it.  I hold on because I believe that when the time is right, God will lead me to where I'm supposed to be next.  Like I said, I don't see it but I'm trying to hold on to my faith.  I hope you'll hold on as well.  Please take care of yourself. 

Hugs,

Sara

Comment by Marsha H on November 21, 2017 at 3:44pm

Sara ...  I thought you were very quiet.  I know how it feels too to have no computer and it's like my right arm was cut-off.  LOL  It's great to see you post again.  Welcome back!

Comment by Marsha H on November 21, 2017 at 3:37pm

Dear Christine ...  I am sure we all have felt like not going on and ending it all; I know I sure did.  I felt when Ernie passed that he took my spirit with him.  I did what you did, saved pills that Ernie had, thought of suicide and when would be the right time.  Felt I was in my own lost world and who would care if I died or not.  I only saw a blackness in front of me and no light at all.  I questioned God, in fact, felt God had actually singled me out and I wasn't worthy of having my Ernie with me any longer.  I ached inside when I saw others I know with their spouses, smiling, preparing holidays and it angered and saddened me all at the same time.  THEN, as I hung on with some strength I realized as I got to be around family and friends that although they hadn't had a spouse pass away they certainly had some serious other issues in their lives and I realized that all those so-called smiling faces were masks, just like the one I put on every day I had to go out and face the world.  Inside, my heart was tearing apart.  From there I got stronger, knew Ernie wouldn't want me to end up taking my own life and that it was important I went on carrying that torch of memories of him so that no one would forget him.  When I started to see clearer I realized my family and friends did care about me and it would be cruel to them to end my life.  I began to see on local news the terrible things that happen to others that made me realize although deeply hurting they were far worse off than myself.  I literally forced myself to volunteer and get out there and try to help other people instead of centering on myself, but I didn't do that until just over a year after Ernie's passing.  Christine, if you do take your own life what do you think your step-daughter will feel like?  You will leave behind those that love you wondering what they could have done to help you and they sure will miss you!!!! 

Try to hang on for a little bit longer at least as you are in raw grief.  If I can make it 6 years and learn to laugh again and find new friends in my life (never ever will I forget Ernie) so can you.  My one savior is my great-niece who is only 2 and when I feel down I look at her and I just want to be around to see her grow up.  I feel satisfied in some ways when I volunteer and it gives me a purpose in life.  Who knows what is in my future because I'm 75 years old and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up on life.  We all have a purpose and we don't always see that purpose when we are going through raw grief.  Hang on hon for at least a little while.  Put the pills away, take the pills you should be taking and I suggest you go to a group grief counseling where you will physically see others in the same light you are feeling.  It helps and again, please stay with us here as we're with you every step of the way.

Hugs (because you need one)

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on November 21, 2017 at 3:23pm

Deborah ...  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  I hope you can manage to have a good birthday and spend it with family or friends or better yet, both!

Comment by Michael Smith on November 21, 2017 at 10:20am

Christine,

I am sure you have heard all the cliches that are supposed to make us feel better. Grief is not easy, it's not fair and there is no miracle cure. It has been two years since I lost Melanie.  I can look back now and see how much I have changed but one thing remains the same. I still love her and miss her. I talk to her almost daily. I have no idea how many times I have been driving and have to pull over because I started crying.  Just know you are among friends here. 

Hugs Mike

 

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