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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on November 25, 2017 at 7:10pm

tomorrow would of been my 1st husband Robbys 66th birthday, its so very surreal to think of him when I am now griefing for my 2nd husband who just passed, I feel guilt for even thinking of him now when I'm in so much pain for Gregs passing but also know he is the father of my girls and I always think of him when things go on in their lives. When Greg and I first met he had a really hard time coming to grips with the fact that I would always love Robby too but its not like a divorce where most times you have fallen out of love, . He finally realized that I didn't compare the two men in my life, two different ime periods in my life, two different marraiges. But still very now to sort it all out in my head right now 

Comment by David Heggi on November 25, 2017 at 5:06pm

Dear Chris,

You didn't write to me, so you may not appreciate my 2 cents worth - I'll butt in anyway:

You are very brave to attend your beloved's celebration; I have been mulling over hosting a belated one for my beloved.  though don't know if I could follow it through, his loss hurts so much.  I'd be standing there - if I could stand at all, weak-kneed sobbing my heart out. It would be like tearing this scab off and beginning the process all over again.

I have health issues, doctors appointments to treat the results of my strokes.  And I don't care (either)

Though I'm sure I'll probably go, I will only half listen, going through the motions.  Then something will come along and distract me from the grief, and I will SOMEHOW get through - it's touch and go.  The scary part is not knowing if that will happen at all. I'll look back on the day and be amazed how I got through it   I have no idea how if I'll survive tomorrow.

I can't give you any answers, Chris; I can just  relate with you what I'm sure many of us are experiencing. Maybe misery does love company.  As I say  "it's whatever gets us thru the nite"

I'll be thinking about you

Hugs David H

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 25, 2017 at 3:45pm

Well, tonight is my husband's celebration of life party. My husband did karaoke shows for 17 years and there will be one at the vfw where he entertained for over three years. I have gotten dressed up as I always did for him. He was the entertainer and I his wife so I dressed the part...it always made him proud. I'm not driving tonight which will be a good thing. Latvian will be my main course tonight! On another note, had a Dr appt yesterday. The result...I need a mammogram sandwich will be this Tuesday plus two chest trays and a scheduled needle biopsy if needed.. the Dr said I have a large mass at 10:00  on my left breast. She then started to talk about treatment because she is very very concerned. I had to tell her Wahoo!!  I'm not having any treatments. She said it could possibly be removed and not need chemo or radiation. Again I told her no. I have read that untreated it varies of course but two to two and a half are expected. That's fine with me. I can handle that and I know...after the shock of my husband's death I might change my mind and by then it will be too late. That song happen. I'm not living, I'm nearly existing. That won't change. So, I'm hoping for what I call the best on Tuesday. My daughter is .com Nguyen with me cause they will numb the area where they will take the biopsy. If I lay down and raise my arm over my head you can see most of the lump. Well, what will be will be. After I heard this a funny thing happened. I was strangely calm and peaceful. Well tonight won't be peaceful so wish me luck!!!!

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 25, 2017 at 10:54am
Debbie your post made my heart happy.
Comment by deborah peck on November 25, 2017 at 10:33am

Mary Jane, I am so sorry your day didn't go how you wanted it to, I had been thinking of you in jammies with a blamket curled up on the couch. sometimes things just don't go according to plan it totally stinks especially when your just trying to get thru the day . That day is over now ( thank God) and survive it we did, so yah to all of us!  love Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 24, 2017 at 10:59pm
Oh Sara...I just read these lovely messages...it’s Friday at 11pm. thankyou. For some reason I DIDN,t get an email notice.
I would have loved to spend Thanksgiving with you.
It was actually mostly a nightmare. Oh, it was just me, feeling sorry for myself...then when I went to heat my deli food lol...I realized the clerk never rang up my chicken tenders, the squash casserole was horrid, and I got a stomach ache from the entire thing..then my big project for the day, changing the cables on my direct tv turned out to be more difficult than I thought. Hahahaha...
But then my friend Marsha walked over with leftovers and they were yummy!
I am still glad I DIDN,t go to my nieces...I was just too tired.
Last year I wasn,t upset at all about the holidays...but I also believed that none of this was real...and some how BOb would return. I googled it..DELAYED GRIEF ...so I am going through NOW what I should have gone through last year.
Thanks for letting me vent..that felt cathartic. :-)
I am contemplating flying to California at Christmas for 4 Days...but 2 of those days would be spent flying. Ok I will go now lol...i’ve Yammered on long enough.
TO EVERYONE, hope y’all had a nice holiday.
Comment by Christine Blaire on November 24, 2017 at 10:44am

Deborah.....this too was my first holiday without Marshall. He just passed on Nov 1.  I went to his sons house,who calls me mom, even though his mother was there too. I have a good relationship with her because the divorce was a very long time ago. When Ben got up to give the blessing he broke down. It's good you have your girls, they will make you go on. Marshall and I were always together except when I went to the store and after an hour couldn't wait to get back to him. He wouldn't even go to the auto parts store without me. We loved each other so much that the only time we were really happy was when we were together. I can't stand this...that's why I hope and pray this lump will let me be with my beloved soon. Tomorrow is a celebration of his life, there will be food and karaoke that he loved and ran Blaire audio karaoke and dj.for 17 years. I'm not driving,my step daughters boyfriend is driving, he doesn't drink. I think I'll be too emotional to get drunk, which I don't want to do anyway, but ill have lots of ativan to get me thru. I'm not sure I'm looking forward to it but a lot of people are really going out of their way to do this. I hate this...I don't care what anyone says, my life will never be the same, I don't want to be here and I see no reason to be. There is no future.

Comment by Marsha H on November 24, 2017 at 3:02am

Deborah ...  I'm so proud of you for even attempting to go to your family's for Thanksgiving.  You are very lucky they too shed tears along with you and your girl.  My family miss Ernie, but no tears shed and they tried to stay off the subject.  I ended up going to the washroom a lot because of it and had a bit of a cry.  The first year without our spouses is difficult and I still miss Ernie, but the pain isn't a severe as the first year or two.  You will get through Christmas because of the girls.  We're stronger than we think.

Comment by deborah peck on November 23, 2017 at 11:31pm

This was the 1st Thanksgiving without Greg and it was so hard, lots of tears and sadness but also is always nice to see family and most of them shed tears along with me and our girls, cant imagine how Christmas will be, wish I could just go spend it by myself but my family would panic if I did that oh well we all did get thru it and next year it will be that much easier because we will know that even though we don't want to we will survive the Holidays

Comment by Marsha H on November 23, 2017 at 4:28pm

Dear Christine ...  In raw grief the Happy holidays aren't so happy and seem to put more pressure on us to smile and 'put that mask on' when we only feel we want to curl up in a fetal position and cry or make the world go away.  I am so proud you are going to Marshall's sons for dinner.  I managed to do the same thing with my immediate family.  It wasn't easy, but I made it and felt exhausted when I got home.  Now after 6 years it's become much easier even though I look at that empty chair Ernie use to sit in, but I like to think he is there in spirit.

I am going to Bible Study tonight so will have the group say a prayer for you and hope your mammogram comes out just fine.  Because you have a lump doesn't mean it's the big 'C' word.  I have lump masses in both breasts so I have to have a mammogram and also another test to confirm all is well and so far so good.  I often feel ignorance is bliss at times, but something just makes me go which proves to me somewhere deep inside of me I still want to live.

I will be thinking of you Christine on Saturday when you have Marshall's Celebration of Life.  I had the same thing for Ernie and I didn't need sedatives because I was in too much shock.  I hardly remember anything.  I was glad when it was over.  Take care my friend and hang in there.

 

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