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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on November 19, 2017 at 6:32pm
CHRISTINE...I want you to promise me, and all the others here, that you will do something for all of us. I understand the horrible amount of pain you are going through...and a totally understand the desire to commit suicide, as I have thought about it a lot in the past...but the way you have decided to do it, by squandering your blood pressure medication, taking only one a day instead of the prescribed two so you can save a bunch to take and stop your heart? Have you goggled this?
I, too take lisenpril..for high BP...I discovered I had it, by getting a series of NOSE BLEEDS in a few days. The Dr said it was a good thing I had them..otherwise it. Outdoor have resulted in a STROKE instead of nosebleed..., I could have had a stroke...and people don,t always die from a stroke...you could be paralyzed, unable to function, and yet still be able to think...do you really want that? So please take your meds, and wait on this suicide thing.
There is something I do I find very helpful..I keep a journal...not every day, but a lot...and if you do that, you might be able to go back and read something you wrote..and it might help you..it also helps to get your emotions out.
I am sorry you were in an abusive relationship...because I know how terrible that can be. I won,t eloaborate, but there were a few years in my marriage that were not rosy...in almost 50 years, in some of the early years, you combine 2 people with alcohol, drugs, and anger and trying to control another person...and sometimes there are bad times. You were fortunate and got out, BOb and I were blessed and shaped up. What doesn,t kill you makes you stronger, and in my case..our love was strong enough to weather those bad times.
I can,t believe I just posted that...I feel like I betrayed my husband...but if it will help me to save your life, I think BOb would be ok with it.
Besides..what if you were meant for something great? What if some small kindness you inadvertently did, helped save someone else’s life? You never know. I used to ask BOb (my husband of 49 years) if through all this pain of brain cancer and stomach cancer, loss of his eyesite from the brain radiation, his food administered through a tube in his stomach) if he ever thought of suicide? He would actually get a bit angry, his reply was always the same: “Hell NO! I want to see this thing through”. And that’s just what he did.
THE WOODS ARE LOVELY
DARK AND DEEP
BUT I HAVE PROMISES TO KEEP
AND MILES TO GO
BEFORE I SLEEP....

hang in there Christine...the world needs you...
Comment by Mary. Jane on November 19, 2017 at 5:53pm
Ok here I go again...but I have a lot to respond to. DEBORAH P I am so happy all went well...but I knew you would be OK. BEARD..thank you for that...u r just adorable. TRINA..it is good to have you posting again..CHRISTINE...my next post is going to be just for you...so get ready.
Comment by Chicago Beard on November 19, 2017 at 5:43pm

Trina

Thanks. I felt the same way when I saw it which is why I copied and pasted it here.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 19, 2017 at 5:24pm

Dear Deborah,

Very glad to hear that your surgery went well and that you are not feeling too much discomfort. Hope your heeling goes better as each day goes by. Sending prayers so that your pathology report comes out negative, clean. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 19, 2017 at 5:21pm

Chicago Beard, what an elegant way to describe grief. I couldn't stop the tears when I read your post. Thanks for sharing this with us: simple, beautiful, yet so deep.

Comment by deborah peck on November 19, 2017 at 3:52pm

So my surgery went good, not too much discomfort and the scar will be along the underside of my jawbone, so that's good, go back next week to have stitches out and get the pathology report. so I think its all good

Comment by Chicago Beard on November 19, 2017 at 9:50am

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Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 19, 2017 at 3:16am

I don't post as much because there is nothing new to add, but I read your posts and empathize with the pain and suffering. It's been three years since my wonderful Joseph left this world. I have now learned how to function on a day to day basis, but the effort it takes to do simple things such as get up in the morning and face the new day has not diminished one little bit. What has improved is my ability to hide my daily pain and sense of loss from the world and go on as if I am okay. I am not okay, I miss Joseph unbearably and the missing and the longing doesn't get any less. All this is so pointless. But as Marsha so wisely says, we carry on in the name of our departed beloved, we carry the torch for them, so to speak. My living now is more because I have to, not because I care or want to. But live we must as life goes on. (I don't wish to take my own life; it's not an option for me.)

I am sorry for everyone's suffering on this site, and for you, too, Christine. Sending my good thoughts for you all.

Comment by Marsha H on November 18, 2017 at 4:26pm

Dear  Christine ...  You have had incredible sorrow in your past life and I'm so proud that you managed to stand up for yourself because so few women do.  It must have been difficult to be caregiver to your abuser, but you have a great heart and saw it to the end.  I too have a brother 6 years younger than me and he was my parents favorite.  I also understand that family and friends seem to get on with their own lives and some disappear; expecting us to get on with our own lives even though we are broken-hearted and grief has no timeline. 

If you feel your therapist isn't helping you can go to grief counseling at some churches (free of charge) or Hospice Centers where there are members there you can relate to.  You also have Legacy and we're here for you too.

I too married quickly to get out of the house and my ex was verbally abusive so I divorced him and that's when I met my beloved Ernie and like you with your loving spouse I felt safe and never knew that I could love someone so deeply and feel so safe so it seemed to me so unfair when I met my one and only that he had to pass away.  I asked all the questions most do, 'why didn't I go with him; what was the point of being here' to 'why did this happen?'  It all seemed so unfair.

I too had lost my faith, but when I got over the initial shock of Ernie's passing I realized I had to go on in his memory; carry the torch so to speak.  He taught me so many wonderful things to pass onto others and I looked back at what I had been when I was much younger and before I first got married and found 'me.'  Ernie fell in love with 'me' and so now I've reverted back to day one to find 'me.'  We are of use and we can find something useful in our lives.  I volunteer for a dog shelter to adopt dogs out and go every Sunday and not only did it give me some peace of mind, but it put life into some sort of perspective for me.  I have joined a Bible Study Group with wonderful people, but my faith is not 100% yet.  Although I detest it when people say 'I'm strong' I surprised myself going through almost 7 years of the loss of my Ernie and I found I was strong because I reached out to others to try and help them get through grief or other issues in their lives.  I've met a few new friend, but I won't lie, I still can feel lonely, but then get up and get busy.  You are in raw grief and still on this journey of grief which we all have to go through, but hon, you are going to make it (don't think for one minute I didn't have pills I could have used to end it all) but, for some reason I didn't and glad I didn't.  We are all here to help you through the rough spots and to let you know we are all going through many different emotions.  You're going to make it and I promise you will find a reason for living.  Your wonderful husband would never want you to give up because there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Lean on us!

Big hugs

Marsha 

Comment by David Heggi on November 18, 2017 at 1:47pm

Dear Christine,

Not only do you have this indescribable grief to bear, you have a lot of baggage from a lifetime of abuse and hurt.  Give yourself a break.

I also lost the love of my life recently and am feeling the same way you are right now - it's a nightmare that you cannot wake from, so we sleep as much as we can to avoid the reality.

God's promises and the words of well-meaning relatives and friends  are a lot of bull - these people quickly become unavailable - no one can understand this pain.

I can't imagine living the rest of my life this way.  I don't want to be here either; I wished that I had gone with my beloved - what is my purpose to be left behind?  I too believe that a person can die of a broken heart.

Yet even after only 2 and 1/2 months when I look back to the initial shock and horror, there has been a little relief, a slight soothing of the raw-edged tear of my heart,

Although I cannot bear witness to what others have testified in their process of healing, I can feel a little of it settling, and sometimes a faint flicker of hope. It vanishes as quickly as it comes, but it is still there.

Please Christine, know that you are not alone.  There are so many of us out here.

I will be thinking of you,

Your friend David H. 

 

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