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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by David Heggi on November 26, 2017 at 10:52am

Mary Jane,

Thank you for sharing.

I thought I was the only one who could not put it together,  Yes, an anniversary would be much better. Isn't it crazy: I wonder if Dave would be OK with this. But it is; we discussed everything together.  I can feel him smiling at me right now.

The celebration you had for Bob was perfect; it was not overshadowed by raw grief.

Dave's box of ashes are with me too on the sofa in my bedroom, and in a cloth bag.  I have not touched it since putting it there.

Thank you again, Mary Jane.  I was feeling guilty for not paying a much deserved tribute to an extraordinary life.

Hugs,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 25, 2017 at 10:38pm
David...if I were you, I would wait awhile, until you think you can host it without collapsing. I waiting one year to the day on the anniversary of Bobs death until I had a very small gathering. It would have been larger, but most of our friends and family are still in California..(we moved toTulsa 13 years ago when retired cuz the price of homes here are amazing).but I invitedhis sister, her family and a few friends we had here. My daughter flew out from California, we had finger foods, played his favorite music, David Byrne, Talking Heads, the Doors, and we put together a montage of photos which we hooked up to the TV and kept it running the entire time...and it wasn,t bad at all. We talked, ate and actually laughed as we remembered the good times and bad. His ashes are still here, not even in an urn, I have never opened the box from the mortuary..it sits right next to me by his chair in the living room, in a cloth bag with a pattern of paint splatters (he was an artist, and it is perfect)
There is no rush to do something like that until you feel ready..and I feel they are still with us, so I talk to Bob all the time, and it brings me comfort..so do what you want in your own time. And stop hoping that poor health will cause an early death. We are ALL here for a reason...
There is NO WAY I could have done something like that so soon after he died, so if you aren,t. comfortable, wait until you are.
Comment by deborah peck on November 25, 2017 at 7:10pm

tomorrow would of been my 1st husband Robbys 66th birthday, its so very surreal to think of him when I am now griefing for my 2nd husband who just passed, I feel guilt for even thinking of him now when I'm in so much pain for Gregs passing but also know he is the father of my girls and I always think of him when things go on in their lives. When Greg and I first met he had a really hard time coming to grips with the fact that I would always love Robby too but its not like a divorce where most times you have fallen out of love, . He finally realized that I didn't compare the two men in my life, two different ime periods in my life, two different marraiges. But still very now to sort it all out in my head right now 

Comment by David Heggi on November 25, 2017 at 5:06pm

Dear Chris,

You didn't write to me, so you may not appreciate my 2 cents worth - I'll butt in anyway:

You are very brave to attend your beloved's celebration; I have been mulling over hosting a belated one for my beloved.  though don't know if I could follow it through, his loss hurts so much.  I'd be standing there - if I could stand at all, weak-kneed sobbing my heart out. It would be like tearing this scab off and beginning the process all over again.

I have health issues, doctors appointments to treat the results of my strokes.  And I don't care (either)

Though I'm sure I'll probably go, I will only half listen, going through the motions.  Then something will come along and distract me from the grief, and I will SOMEHOW get through - it's touch and go.  The scary part is not knowing if that will happen at all. I'll look back on the day and be amazed how I got through it   I have no idea how if I'll survive tomorrow.

I can't give you any answers, Chris; I can just  relate with you what I'm sure many of us are experiencing. Maybe misery does love company.  As I say  "it's whatever gets us thru the nite"

I'll be thinking about you

Hugs David H

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 25, 2017 at 3:45pm

Well, tonight is my husband's celebration of life party. My husband did karaoke shows for 17 years and there will be one at the vfw where he entertained for over three years. I have gotten dressed up as I always did for him. He was the entertainer and I his wife so I dressed the part...it always made him proud. I'm not driving tonight which will be a good thing. Latvian will be my main course tonight! On another note, had a Dr appt yesterday. The result...I need a mammogram sandwich will be this Tuesday plus two chest trays and a scheduled needle biopsy if needed.. the Dr said I have a large mass at 10:00  on my left breast. She then started to talk about treatment because she is very very concerned. I had to tell her Wahoo!!  I'm not having any treatments. She said it could possibly be removed and not need chemo or radiation. Again I told her no. I have read that untreated it varies of course but two to two and a half are expected. That's fine with me. I can handle that and I know...after the shock of my husband's death I might change my mind and by then it will be too late. That song happen. I'm not living, I'm nearly existing. That won't change. So, I'm hoping for what I call the best on Tuesday. My daughter is .com Nguyen with me cause they will numb the area where they will take the biopsy. If I lay down and raise my arm over my head you can see most of the lump. Well, what will be will be. After I heard this a funny thing happened. I was strangely calm and peaceful. Well tonight won't be peaceful so wish me luck!!!!

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 25, 2017 at 10:54am
Debbie your post made my heart happy.
Comment by deborah peck on November 25, 2017 at 10:33am

Mary Jane, I am so sorry your day didn't go how you wanted it to, I had been thinking of you in jammies with a blamket curled up on the couch. sometimes things just don't go according to plan it totally stinks especially when your just trying to get thru the day . That day is over now ( thank God) and survive it we did, so yah to all of us!  love Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 24, 2017 at 10:59pm
Oh Sara...I just read these lovely messages...it’s Friday at 11pm. thankyou. For some reason I DIDN,t get an email notice.
I would have loved to spend Thanksgiving with you.
It was actually mostly a nightmare. Oh, it was just me, feeling sorry for myself...then when I went to heat my deli food lol...I realized the clerk never rang up my chicken tenders, the squash casserole was horrid, and I got a stomach ache from the entire thing..then my big project for the day, changing the cables on my direct tv turned out to be more difficult than I thought. Hahahaha...
But then my friend Marsha walked over with leftovers and they were yummy!
I am still glad I DIDN,t go to my nieces...I was just too tired.
Last year I wasn,t upset at all about the holidays...but I also believed that none of this was real...and some how BOb would return. I googled it..DELAYED GRIEF ...so I am going through NOW what I should have gone through last year.
Thanks for letting me vent..that felt cathartic. :-)
I am contemplating flying to California at Christmas for 4 Days...but 2 of those days would be spent flying. Ok I will go now lol...i’ve Yammered on long enough.
TO EVERYONE, hope y’all had a nice holiday.
Comment by Christine Blaire on November 24, 2017 at 10:44am

Deborah.....this too was my first holiday without Marshall. He just passed on Nov 1.  I went to his sons house,who calls me mom, even though his mother was there too. I have a good relationship with her because the divorce was a very long time ago. When Ben got up to give the blessing he broke down. It's good you have your girls, they will make you go on. Marshall and I were always together except when I went to the store and after an hour couldn't wait to get back to him. He wouldn't even go to the auto parts store without me. We loved each other so much that the only time we were really happy was when we were together. I can't stand this...that's why I hope and pray this lump will let me be with my beloved soon. Tomorrow is a celebration of his life, there will be food and karaoke that he loved and ran Blaire audio karaoke and dj.for 17 years. I'm not driving,my step daughters boyfriend is driving, he doesn't drink. I think I'll be too emotional to get drunk, which I don't want to do anyway, but ill have lots of ativan to get me thru. I'm not sure I'm looking forward to it but a lot of people are really going out of their way to do this. I hate this...I don't care what anyone says, my life will never be the same, I don't want to be here and I see no reason to be. There is no future.

Comment by Marsha H on November 24, 2017 at 3:02am

Deborah ...  I'm so proud of you for even attempting to go to your family's for Thanksgiving.  You are very lucky they too shed tears along with you and your girl.  My family miss Ernie, but no tears shed and they tried to stay off the subject.  I ended up going to the washroom a lot because of it and had a bit of a cry.  The first year without our spouses is difficult and I still miss Ernie, but the pain isn't a severe as the first year or two.  You will get through Christmas because of the girls.  We're stronger than we think.

 

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