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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on November 21, 2017 at 10:22pm

'm just now catching up on my reading and want to especially reach out to Christine.  I haven't commented on her posts yet.  My heart is breaking for her but also, I see so much of myself not only in her words, but in the responses from others.  Christine.........you don't know my story so I'll briefly tell you.  I lost my husband Ken in Jan 16.  I met him in 1986 when I was 20 and lost him when I was 50 so I spent my entire adult life with him up until that point.  He is the absolute love of my life, the only person I've ever really wanted to spend time with and losing him was essentially losing my own life.  In fact, I consider 1/13/16 as the day my life ended and my existence began.  I understand everything you are feeling because I still cry for him every day and tell him I don't know how much longer I can do this.   I don't see a future.  I don't see light or feel joy.  I don't believe I'll ever be happy again.  Through all this though, I've never really thought of suicide.  I have enough of Ken's dilauded and fentanyl patches to choke a horse but would never take them.  He fought so hard for each day he had that if I were to just give up and end it, he would be so mad. I also wouldn't disrespect him that way.  Deb P wrote that we all believe the love we have we our spouses can't possibly be matched by anyone else and she's right.  I would tell Ken all the time that he was the most loved man on the planet.  It's probably hard for you to believe but life is a gift from God.  Now, this is something I have to remind myself of daily but I do believe it.  I hold on because I believe that when the time is right, God will lead me to where I'm supposed to be next.  Like I said, I don't see it but I'm trying to hold on to my faith.  I hope you'll hold on as well.  Please take care of yourself. 

Hugs,

Sara

Comment by Marsha H on November 21, 2017 at 3:44pm

Sara ...  I thought you were very quiet.  I know how it feels too to have no computer and it's like my right arm was cut-off.  LOL  It's great to see you post again.  Welcome back!

Comment by Marsha H on November 21, 2017 at 3:37pm

Dear Christine ...  I am sure we all have felt like not going on and ending it all; I know I sure did.  I felt when Ernie passed that he took my spirit with him.  I did what you did, saved pills that Ernie had, thought of suicide and when would be the right time.  Felt I was in my own lost world and who would care if I died or not.  I only saw a blackness in front of me and no light at all.  I questioned God, in fact, felt God had actually singled me out and I wasn't worthy of having my Ernie with me any longer.  I ached inside when I saw others I know with their spouses, smiling, preparing holidays and it angered and saddened me all at the same time.  THEN, as I hung on with some strength I realized as I got to be around family and friends that although they hadn't had a spouse pass away they certainly had some serious other issues in their lives and I realized that all those so-called smiling faces were masks, just like the one I put on every day I had to go out and face the world.  Inside, my heart was tearing apart.  From there I got stronger, knew Ernie wouldn't want me to end up taking my own life and that it was important I went on carrying that torch of memories of him so that no one would forget him.  When I started to see clearer I realized my family and friends did care about me and it would be cruel to them to end my life.  I began to see on local news the terrible things that happen to others that made me realize although deeply hurting they were far worse off than myself.  I literally forced myself to volunteer and get out there and try to help other people instead of centering on myself, but I didn't do that until just over a year after Ernie's passing.  Christine, if you do take your own life what do you think your step-daughter will feel like?  You will leave behind those that love you wondering what they could have done to help you and they sure will miss you!!!! 

Try to hang on for a little bit longer at least as you are in raw grief.  If I can make it 6 years and learn to laugh again and find new friends in my life (never ever will I forget Ernie) so can you.  My one savior is my great-niece who is only 2 and when I feel down I look at her and I just want to be around to see her grow up.  I feel satisfied in some ways when I volunteer and it gives me a purpose in life.  Who knows what is in my future because I'm 75 years old and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up on life.  We all have a purpose and we don't always see that purpose when we are going through raw grief.  Hang on hon for at least a little while.  Put the pills away, take the pills you should be taking and I suggest you go to a group grief counseling where you will physically see others in the same light you are feeling.  It helps and again, please stay with us here as we're with you every step of the way.

Hugs (because you need one)

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on November 21, 2017 at 3:23pm

Deborah ...  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  I hope you can manage to have a good birthday and spend it with family or friends or better yet, both!

Comment by Michael Smith on November 21, 2017 at 10:20am

Christine,

I am sure you have heard all the cliches that are supposed to make us feel better. Grief is not easy, it's not fair and there is no miracle cure. It has been two years since I lost Melanie.  I can look back now and see how much I have changed but one thing remains the same. I still love her and miss her. I talk to her almost daily. I have no idea how many times I have been driving and have to pull over because I started crying.  Just know you are among friends here. 

Hugs Mike

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 21, 2017 at 9:46am

Ok went to therapy yesterday. The therapist was an older man, very nice. Told him about my history and that my husband just passed. He said that I have been thru a lot and that my grief is raw. Ok..knew that. So then we got into a discussion about suicide. Since I know something about it because of my brother I wanted to know why so many people think it is wrong. Aren't we supposed to be the best person we can be and aren't we supposed to appreciate God's world that he put us on? I was taught that God wants us to be happy. So.....if we hurt so bad, find no joy in life, no reason to wake up in the morning, why can't we just die?  I know that Jesus suffered for us. I can't believe that he wants this. There is so much suffering in the world and since he gave us free will, can't we end our own suffering?  He wants to see me in two weeks. He doesn't feel that I'm ready to give up yet. I can not and will not go years like this!! He also thinks that my weight loss...36 lbs since Aug. 25....and not taking my :-P pills the way I should and not wanting to have the lump in my breast checked that I'm trying to die. I never thought that...maybe he's right. It's not unheard of . I cannot look to tomorrow let alone months from now.  I told him my insurance won't pay till March. He said if I really wanted to die I wouldn't care. No. I don't want anyone to have to pay for my cremation or lot rent or utility bills till things are settled. My one step daughter is struggling and I want her to have my place.  Yesterday err today I stopped at her place for a bit but on the way home I started to have a panic attack. Yep, while driving. I made it home but was shaking really bad for a good hour. So...if I want to die why not in a car crash? That doesn't always work. Between my :-P meds and the nine fentanyl patches I have left and intend to keep as they don't expire till 10/18.  I'm 66 I have nothing left to live for. Time heals,time changes,grief subsides. Crap

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 20, 2017 at 8:01pm
Deborah...HAPPY BIRTHDAY tomorrow! (I DIDN,t want to forget to wish you that, so I did it early)
Ya know...if you made INSTANT potatoes, no one would ever have to know...and Greg would probably be smiling down from heaven. The taste and texture is amazingly like real...and the wonderful gravy is the true star of the meal. Lol
Have a wonderful day.
Comment by Sara Murphy on November 20, 2017 at 1:51pm

Hello dear family.....I've been going through withdrawals the last few days.  I've been without a computer (hard drive crash) for nearly a week and haven't been able to log in.   I'm going to catch up over the next couple days but want you to know you've been in my thoughts.

Comment by deborah peck on November 20, 2017 at 10:43am

Dear Christine,   I think most of us have been thru the feelings you are going thru. when my 1st husband passed I too would think of ways to join him and the only thing that stopped me was my 3 little girls I needed to raise, , now with Greg I would sit on my deck and look at the lake and wonder how long it would take me to drown myself our if our natural instinct for survival would kick in and not allow me to drown, have even thought of jumping off a bridge but knowing my luck I would just end up having to have someone care for my till I eventually died when its my actual time to go. So as you can see I'm still here and still doing this day by day. I knw you think no one else can possibly know your pain and you think no one else could possibly have loved like the 2 of you did so how could anyone possibly be able to relate to you, I know this because those are my thoughts too , I wont say it will get better because after losing my 1st husband 35 years later I would still cry for him and wonder what could of been even though I had remarried , thye are always in our hearts, nut I do know both of my husbands would be so mad if I ever gave up because they know that someday we will be together, not sure how it will work with the three of us together(lol) but I know we are where we are supposed to be and they are where they are supposed to be and its impossible to understand why. but you take good care of yourself , sounds like you have plenty of family to help you, let them.    debby

Comment by deborah peck on November 20, 2017 at 10:28am

tomorrow is my birthday, a day my Greg always made a big deal out of, we were so looking forward to this one because I will turn 62 (gulp) which would mean retiring and the beginning of us spending our time together traveling to see all the national parks in the U.S. which might sound corny but we loved nature and taking roadtrips just the two of us.So now that dream is gone and I try not to think of what should be and try to think of how to rebuild my future now. This Thanksgiving and Christmas will be so hard to get thru but I know I will. I'm still having my entire extended family over for the holidays as we always did but now my sister will be helping me get it ready instead of my husband. Greg was always a huge Auburn football fan as he grew up in Alabama so Ive decided to honor his memory this year and am changing my Angel tree in my living room into a Auburn tree, I think he would love it and it will feel like he is a part of it . As far as Thanksgiving dinner goes the one thing I'm having a hard time dealing with is the preparation of the mashed potatoes, I know that is so weird but he was the one that always peeled them and mashed them up so not sure how to do that without bawling thru it, isn't it strange the small things that we tie into our loved ones lives. I don't kmow but I do know that soon this ear of holidays will be gone and we will know we can survive the Holidays withought our loved ones even if we don't want to

 

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