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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on November 30, 2017 at 9:32pm

Debbie......I'm so happy to hear you received a good report.  You and your family must be so relieved. 

 

Comment by Marsha H on November 30, 2017 at 3:15pm

Dear Christine ...  Yes, we all do care about you very much.  I know you feel like ending it all and joining your husband (I sure did and sometimes still do on bad days) but the fact you are concerned about the lump lights that small flicker of flame inside of you that you do want to live.  Sounds crazy yes, but as time does go on we get stronger and although we will always miss our spouses something forces us to go on.  We will join them one day and there is a reason we still are here.  I finally came to realization Ernie didn't want me to go with him, but live on until we meet again and that I'm sure of for all of us.

You are very fortunate to have a concerned doctor do these tests and yes, they should be done.  This does not mean you have cancer!  The needle biopsy is to hopefully find fluid in your lump which is very common and if it is hard they will do more of an extensive biopsy or remove the lump entirely depending on what your doctor feels is best for you.  The fact the lump is not attached to anything is a good sign and could well mean it is not going into lymph nodes.  Here is a link explaining breast lumps and hope it gives you some comfort:  http://www.breastcancer.org/questions/lump?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4qSe-p... 

Yes, God wants us to have a decent life and just not to exist, but grief is essential in life no matter how much the loss hurts our heart.  You won't feel like this forever Christine and raw grief is the worst.  Grief is a journey and after I got through raw grief (wishing every day I would never wake up) it got easier as time went on.  Then I realized there is life after our beloved's passing.  Grief is a series of steps we go through and I have to say it has made me more humble and more in tune with other people's pain and worries.  I agree with David that already you seem to have improved in your thoughts even if just a small bit.  Christine, not only are you grieving for your loss, but so is your family and they would be devastated if you didn't keep fighting.  I know you are frightened of the outcome of this lump and I'll be praying you come through this just fine.  So please read the link because knowledge is everything. 

Big hug

Marsha

Comment by David Heggi on November 30, 2017 at 12:35pm

Dear Christine,
You are certainly still in a bad place, not wanting to wake to another long painful day, and another drugged night - I have to take sleeping pills too, otherwise I lay there my mind going to the worst places.
You pushed my buttons where you and your beloved promised that you would go together, implying that neither of you would be left behind. I used to think that sentiment was peculiar to Dave's and my relationship. But after reading story after story,
I believe that it is a universal aspect of grief. And yes, that he would wait for you...
Reading in between the lines, I sense a glimmer of the life force breaking through: you are seeing your Doctors, and more or less complying with treatment - even hope that the cancer might be removed. You may not feel it, but your letter has taken a positive turn.
Hope to hear of more good news,
Your friend
David

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 30, 2017 at 10:59am

Dear Chuck, Deborah, David,Marsha, Mary Jane I want you all to know that I'm not upset or put off by anything that you've said to me. I appreciate your concern and I know that you are speaking from the heart. I will talk to this Dr on Monday afternoon. She has to convince me that there is a reason for the biopsy. My new Dr said she wished I'd had a mammogram last year. That tells me that it's been there for some time and a year ago the outcome could have been different. Ok yes, I'm reading things that haven't been said. This will be a needle biopsy where they numb the spot and stick a needle in to get some of it. The lump is close to the surface, you can actually see some of it it I lie down and raise my arm.  She will have to convince me that there is a valid reason to do this. Since it isn't attached to anything and there is nothing anywhere else there was talk of just removing it alone and no chemo or radiation. If they open more won't it spread? That would be worse.I will not go through that the tumor is an inch and shows up black .  I dontbelieve that God wants us to just exist he wants us to enjoy our lives and appreciate his blessings. But if you hate when you wake up in the morning because you know you have another useless  long day ahead of you and need sleeping pills and Latvian to sleep....that's not living. I know there are people who are ill and desperately want to live. I would gladly trade places. I pleaded with my husband to give his cancer to me. I knew he couldn't and wouldnt. We always said we'd go together because neither one of us could go on without the other. Seems we both had cancer at the same time and his family all said that he went first cause it would have destroyed him if I went first. There's a reason we have cancer at the same time. I helped him pass and he said he'd wait for me. So,ill see this Dr Monday a nd if she convinces me that the biopsy will give more info then Tuesday morning ill have it. Chances are slim that it's not cancer but we need to know. Maybe they will have a better idea of stage and if it's aggressive. I've had it at least a year. My hands shake all the time, I cry at the drop of a had, I havepanic attacks. I have felt more relaxed since finding this out. Tomorrow will be one month since he left....it seems like years. 

 

Comment by Steve on November 30, 2017 at 8:20am
Chuck's email is not responding, so he asked me to post this him:

Dear Christine,

I have not been posting on Legacy lately due to selling my home in NJ and moving to Texas. I can’t write everything I want to share with you and everyone in this family, whom I so treasure and love, at this time. Steve, another member and now my partner, and I have just purchased our new home together.Those here familiar with our journey will understand all that, but for you I will confine my post to the message I most urgently want to share.

Two and 1/2 years ago my husband of 32 years, Larry, succumbed to cancer while I was in the hospital fighting for my life after liver and multiple organ failure. After almost 2 months of treatments, tests, and physical therapy, I was sent home to an empty house, an empty bank account, and most importantly, an even emptier heart. While those around me fretted and argued over “what to do about Chuck”, I sat quietly having an interior dialogue with Larry, and with God. The discussion varied depending upon what confusion was swirling around me that day, but the question that was at its heart never changed…”Why am I still here?”

I was told that I may not survive the physical traumas I had sustained, and that there was permanent brain damage. If I lived, I would likely need a liver transplant, but couldn’t be put even on the waiting list to get on the waiting list until I had been proven 6 months alcohol free. In the mean time the potential for spontaneous bleeding from the esophagus and pooling of fluids in different parts of my body would continue. Doctors would look me in the eye and say that I was lucky to be alive. And this is where the “game” started.

All I wanted was to be left alone so nature could take its course - I couldn’t understand why anyone was worried about the loss of my house to taxes, or where I was to live - or what medications would best control my condition. All this seemed foolishly moot to me, because I knew in my heart that I would be with Larry soon…very soon if I had anything to say about it. So when I was told how lucky I was, I simply smiled and said “I know.” When told they wanted to draw more blood, do this or that procedure, or run more tests, I simply said “OK.” When people spoke of where I should live, or how I needed to sell everything I owned to stay off the streets, I simply said “Whatever you think best.”

One day while home alone one of the predicted “bleeds” occurred. I sat at the kitchen table staring at the phone, knowing full well that every minute counted as I lost blood and began feeling dizzy. I had no intention of calling anybody, but for some reason I slowly reached out and dialed 911. Why? What made me call? Why was I still here?

I won’t lie and say I know the answer to that now any better than I did in that nightmarish time. What I will tell you with all the honesty and sincerity I can possibly muster is this : God has a plan for me, and some reason for me to be here still. It has not come easily, but I have accepted the fact that, for whatever reason, “It ain’t over yet.” That last quote came from a song that a woman spontaneously approached me with over 1 year ago, saying to me that she had a message for me and then played the song on her phone while singing it to me - all this transpiring at 7 AM in Dallas airport!

I am not a man anyone who has known me all my life would describe as religious, nor would I have taken to heart such an unusual, and admittedly somewhat alarming, encounter with a stranger. However, after losing Larry I found myself inhabiting a different and frightening universe in which everything familiar and comforting was inside out and upside down. So who was I to ignore this woman, or the literally hundreds of times that signs both big and small that dropped right before me again and again - all pointing me toward and gently guiding me to this dawning day In Texas facing a new life?

Christine, I guess what I am trying to say in my rambling way is this : I know first hand exactly what you are feeling…and you my new friend are not alone in feeling this way. But please believe me when I say this, because I know this as surely as I know that you are in terrible pain and frightened right now - wherever your journey takes you, and however long or brief it may be - you are still here for a reason, and if you allow yourself to go through your journey with all the grieving and challenges it will bring your way, you will find a kind of peace and purpose in your new version of “you” that right now you think impossible. I say this, because I am living proof…emphasis on living.

All this I send to you with my prayers and love -
Chuck
Comment by deborah peck on November 30, 2017 at 7:32am

yes Marsha prayers do work

Comment by Marsha H on November 30, 2017 at 3:17am

Deborah ....  Prayers do work!  I did pray for you and Christine every night.  I have had cancer before in my 20's and I made it.  I am so please to hear the doctors got all of it and you are OK.  You are right, we are here for a reason.

Hugs to you! 

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on November 29, 2017 at 11:47pm

I went to the surgeon today to get my stitches out and to get the final biopsy report and it was all clear, stage 2 but they got it all, am very relieved, I couldn't imagine putting my kids thru any more pain, Christine, I don't think you will like what I am going to say but here goes, I have been thru two husbands deaths, the first one I wanted to desperately drive my car into a river and just be done , I didn't want to live, but knowing the pain my then little girls would go thru I couldn't do it to them, with my recent loss the idea of spending the rest of my life without Greg is daunting so I don't look at the big picture I look at now, day to day, week to week, I would never put my family into having to deal with my death . I had to nurse both  of my parents thru cancer and while the doctor says they will keep you comfortable there is only so much they can do, sometimes it is a long painful death that is unbelievably hard on the family to go thru to so for you to willingly put this kind of pain on your children and family is so wrong, I know your just wanting your pain to end but think about the people that have to live after you are gone, would you want them to do what you are planning, I don't think you would. you would want them to go on and live the life they have and someday be reunited as it should be. I have listened to your messages and it kind of makes me angry that you would give up so easily, no I don't want to be in this world without my husband but I know he would not want me to do something stupid and would want me to watch ur family continue to grow, everyone on this Earth has a purpose and we have to figure out what that purpose is now, so go get the biopsy and continue on for your family.  debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 29, 2017 at 10:33am
Christine, until the biopsy results come in, you cannot b sure it is malignant. The 4 months when BOb was dying of cancer, I had my very first mammogram EVER. I was 69, and Bob is the one who made me get the biopsy, as he was diagnosed with cancer..and was terrified I would have it too. They found a mass, so I had to lie on that horrid table (which MUST have been designed by a man, lol) while they cut out a section, then inserted a tiny chip to identify that mass was ok for any future mamagrams it took quite awhile, and I cried through the entire thing, cuz at that time we thought BOb would have 5 years to live...he died 3 months later. He was more scared than I was about the biopsy, because he KNEW he wouldn,t be alive for much longer..and a week later when the Dr said I was fine, he cried. He DIDN,t want me to die too. There was a look of joy on his face I had never seen, and we hugged and cried together. He DIDN,t want me to die with him. For as self centered that he was, he wanted ME to live.
I don,t know why not...I am just existing, not really living a full life...but the only thing that keeps me going is hope. I am now 71, I have shrunk to 4’9”...and have to use a step stool to climb into bed each night. I have arthritis in every bone in my body, and the topper is the incurable Epstein Barr Virus, which is known as Adult Mononucleosis...and usually goes into remission in winter, but it hasn,t this year...which means I have very little energy, and require at LEAST 10 hours sleep plus naps.
And the TOPPER? I don,t know how to drive a car. Can u imagine what your life would b like if you couldn,t drive to the store, or the bank, or anywhere? It was ok when I lived in the S.F. Bay Area, with lots of public transportation, but we moved to Oklahoma 13 years ago. There is NO transportation for me at all.
Do I want to die. I used to think so..but not right now. I have a cat who is my baby, and a wonderful daughter who I am blessed cuz she is my best friend. I pray all the time they will be safe and with me along time.
When I read how badly you want to die, it breaks my heart and makes me a little angry at the same time. Imdon,t expect a response from you, cuz I know you don,t want to read what I say...but I have a feeling your results of your biopsy isn,t going to be cancer.
And, Marsha is correct...I have also read, that when someone dies, they have to spend time reviewing their life and hopefully understanding and absorbing lessons. But I also believe in reincarnation, and that we will all b together in the next life. I wish you well.
Mary Jane
And, I talk to BOb all the time. It comforts me and I feel he is here with me.
Comment by Marsha H on November 29, 2017 at 3:33am

Dear Christine ...  I am so very sorry you have gotten negative results on your breast lump and whether you may not want to hear this at all my friend was in the same position as you; no Chemo or Radiation and she is going strong.  The doctor didn't say he couldn't get it all.  I know how you feel wanting to join the love your life, but please ask yourself this ...  did he want you to give up far too early.  It is not uncommon for a spouse left behind to feel exactly as you do and I've been there myself until I realized Ernie wouldn't want me to give up so early in life and carry that torch for him and myself and when it's time I do believe we'll be together.  Do what you have to do Christine and we'll be here for you every step of the way. 

Hugs

Marsha

 

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