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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on December 1, 2017 at 8:40pm
Actually, that is awesome that his family and friends were there and he knew it. I know how hard that must be for you...but understand how u afraid it made him.
Bobs brother Warren died in 2004, but I had been feeling is presence even b4 Bob got sick...near the end...I asked.bon if Warren was here, and he said yes...so I know when BOb died, Warren was there to help him transition, and take him. I was happy he wasn,t alone. When I would ask. on if he ever thought of suicide, he was ADIMENT and would say NO! I want to see this thing through. And he did. I have another post for u, but it will have to wait for a bit..Kitty needs feeding. Your David must have been very in tune with the spirit world. I know that was very hard for you, but I think it is wonderful. I am wondering...since you have stopped taking those meds, can you feel his presence? Ok bye for now..?Back later...you did something inadvertently for me last week...I will post it later. I was reading some of your posts...and came across another David who had mentioned his partner had TRANSITIONED. More to come in a bit.
Mary Jane
Comment by David Heggi on December 1, 2017 at 6:31pm

Dear Mary Jane,

When I imagine my David's last day it is when we both know; it could not be just another day; otherwise there would be no last anything:  our declaration of our truest feelings of love for each other, our promises to wait for each other, the I'm sorries for the countless times we should have apologized - all the things we wish now that could've been said.  And yes, to hold him in my arms soothe his brow and whisper in his ear how so very much I loved him.-------Oh, this hurts so much.  Tho it has to be said.

In the last months, every morning he would share his dreams with me.  They were almost always dreams of his family and friends who had passed.  To a fault, they would always tell him that they were OK now - not to worry.  And that they were anticipating being reunited.  he even encountered these same souls on the street who would turn and smile at him and then disappear as quickly as they came.  You can imagine how unsettling it was for me:  I knew what it/ they implied and told him so,  But David was never afraid of death.  Even though he loved life and had so much more, he yearned to be in Heaven with all his loved ones.

You had the grace of knowing; Bob had the grace to wait until you were out of the room ; David waited until I went to bed - we have to respect that.

A long relationship a long story.

Hugs, your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 1, 2017 at 5:02pm
David...that’s a good question...but I think it needs clarifying...do we know it’s their last day, or not? Do THEY know it is their last day? If BOb. Ours. One back for even an hour, i’d Like to think we’d talk, and hold each other...go over our life together..telling each other how much we loved each other, .apologize for a few things, ask why somethings happened, and promise to love each other forever. I believe in reincarnation, so I know we will be together in another life...the one question I would like to ask, is why was he so afraid of dying? All his life he had been afraid of cancer...and he was right. I want to know how he KNEW he would get it. I would tell him how much I always loved his, even during the bad times, because the one thing I knew was he loved me with all his heart, as did I. I knew he was the one the first time I looked into his eyes...knowing that makes you able to forgive mistakes in a relationship.
The people here, and a few of my friends who’s loved one died instantly and unexpectedly are the ones my heart breaks for.
At least I had the grace of knowing he was dying. I also have the respect of BOb for dying much earlier than anyone expected..he gave hospice 4 Days, and decided $crew this and crossed over. However I AM angry that he waited until I left the room for less than a minute to die. I hear that is common. I felt cheatind out of being able to hold his hand as he left this world.
Comment by David Heggi on December 1, 2017 at 4:19pm

Dear Patti,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Joe.

I'm relatively new in my grief - a raw 3 months.

You're probably right that things don't get better as much as they just change.  Maybe change is a distraction.

I'm glad that you have been able to wean yourself off the meds - I'm still on mine - I don't want those feelings; I want them blocked.

What would we do (differently) if we had just one more day with our loved ones? a very good question w/all kinds of painful what ifs should haves could haves.  I know that I would do anything to keep him.  He also had many plans - so much to look forward to.

Patti, it just hurts so damned much, doesn't it.

Hope that you continue to change for the better.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Patti on December 1, 2017 at 3:29pm

Hi all....it's been a while since I've posted....actually quite a while.  It's approaching two years quickly that my husband has been gone and so much has changed.  I almost in a sense want it all to slow down....but life does not slow down.  Our children are all doing as well as they can - I think Christmas is always going to be difficult for us...Joe passed away on 12/23. I do read all of your posts and most of the times I'm knowing exactly how all of you are feeling but I just can't post....I don't know why....I think that if I don't post it still doesn't seem so real.  Just this Sept I was able to slowly wean myself off my anxiety and depression meds that the doctor prescribed to me after my husband died....and I'm actually feeling things....it's not being blocked.  I miss my husband every single day and wish I had just one more day with him....but I know I would continue wanting more.  I'm still angry that his life was cut so short when we had so many damn plans - now I'm making my own plans and it makes me sad.  I remember a few months after Joe died I was told by so many that things will get easier and I'll feel better.  But things are not easier and I don't always feel better - but things are different and I'm able to accept that.  I have no choice but to not accept it.  I recently put myself out there on a dating website....I'm lonely and miss companionship.  I met a guy who lost his wife a month before my husband died.  He's a good man and we have a lot in common but I'm hesitant...I just wanted to check in with all of you and know that I am still here and still follow.  Thinking of all of you during this holiday season and wishing you all peace in your hearts. 

Comment by deborah peck on December 1, 2017 at 3:13pm

Mary Jane, I too go along with my life and go places and do things and I KNOW hes gone but it seems like I'm always saying to him, I guess your not coming back are you. its so weird to me since his ashes sit on his dresser and I kiss him goodnight, I just have a hard time grasping reality, I had looked at a real pretty bench at the cemetary to put his and my ashes together in and even went to order it but cant part with him yet, its just confusing  .Hope this gets better, I too have trouble with my thought process and from what I understand its normal  and will get better with time. I don't know about you but this whole thing is messed up and I'm tired of it, tired of the sadness and replaying the time he was dying, just want to be my old self but I think she is gone

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 1, 2017 at 11:32am
Deborh, it took me over a year fo face the fact that BOb was really gone. Last Christmas when I went back to California, I could see the guarded looks and hesitancy In everyone’s face tone not sure how they should approach me..but I told everyone I was FINE! I assured them all, that I was k, they DIDN,t have to treat me with kid gloves...and I WAS ok...I felt guilty for not feeling sad and depressed..and vaguely wondered if there was something wrong with me, but I just blew it off..yup, almost 50 years of BOb by my side, and I felt fine. Yes I had the occasional breakdown, but I had energy, and told everyone not to worry about me...I was ok.
Except I wasn,t. Mentally I was living in some sort of fairyland, where this was all a bad dream, and I would wake up, and BOb would be back, and happy I hasn,t thrown out any f his stuff...and finally everything inside me began to change...I *Goggled “delayed grief” and was sure that wasn,t me, everything was fine...nevermid that I had no brain function, just sat in his chair all day, I had no thought process...but as the months went by this Spring, reallaity slowly began to sink in. It is still sinking in. I am afraid f everything..I follow my kitty around the house all day, terrified he will drop dead at any minute...I have to hear from my daughter daily so I can make sure she is ok...l loose items all the time, I have no recall, I will have a thought in my head, and one second later it is gone. I haven,t even kept up with my journal...I wish I had faced his death right after it happened..like most people seem to do. I wonder if my thought process will ever return
Comment by deborah peck on December 1, 2017 at 9:36am

last night we went to a Christmas remembrance ceremony for Greg and other familys that had lost someone, it went okay until they read his name, it was like a shock to hear his name listed along with others that have passed, why after 6 months do I still have to remind myself that hes not coming back even though I know hes not

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 30, 2017 at 9:32pm

Debbie......I'm so happy to hear you received a good report.  You and your family must be so relieved. 

 

Comment by Marsha H on November 30, 2017 at 3:15pm

Dear Christine ...  Yes, we all do care about you very much.  I know you feel like ending it all and joining your husband (I sure did and sometimes still do on bad days) but the fact you are concerned about the lump lights that small flicker of flame inside of you that you do want to live.  Sounds crazy yes, but as time does go on we get stronger and although we will always miss our spouses something forces us to go on.  We will join them one day and there is a reason we still are here.  I finally came to realization Ernie didn't want me to go with him, but live on until we meet again and that I'm sure of for all of us.

You are very fortunate to have a concerned doctor do these tests and yes, they should be done.  This does not mean you have cancer!  The needle biopsy is to hopefully find fluid in your lump which is very common and if it is hard they will do more of an extensive biopsy or remove the lump entirely depending on what your doctor feels is best for you.  The fact the lump is not attached to anything is a good sign and could well mean it is not going into lymph nodes.  Here is a link explaining breast lumps and hope it gives you some comfort:  http://www.breastcancer.org/questions/lump?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4qSe-p... 

Yes, God wants us to have a decent life and just not to exist, but grief is essential in life no matter how much the loss hurts our heart.  You won't feel like this forever Christine and raw grief is the worst.  Grief is a journey and after I got through raw grief (wishing every day I would never wake up) it got easier as time went on.  Then I realized there is life after our beloved's passing.  Grief is a series of steps we go through and I have to say it has made me more humble and more in tune with other people's pain and worries.  I agree with David that already you seem to have improved in your thoughts even if just a small bit.  Christine, not only are you grieving for your loss, but so is your family and they would be devastated if you didn't keep fighting.  I know you are frightened of the outcome of this lump and I'll be praying you come through this just fine.  So please read the link because knowledge is everything. 

Big hug

Marsha

 

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