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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

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Comment by Chicago Beard on December 1, 2017 at 11:03pm

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Comment by Mary. Jane on December 1, 2017 at 10:24pm
Ok..here goes..WARNING...this post is going to be very graphic, so I will warn anyone who’s loved one died in hospice you may not want to read this.
BOb was diagnosed with a small lung tumor, then BRAIN cancer, finally he developed a very large stomach tumor..which they operated on, couldn,t,remove, so they inserted a feeding tube in his stomach..then sent him home. That was a Friday...they set up his bed, machine for feeding, an oxegyn machine, dumped 3 months worth of liguid food in the hallway and a gazillion bottles of pills. They showed me how to prepare and insert the foods, add the medications, which I had to put unto a seperate tube after crushing the pills, and join it to the bigger tube...nothing was written down...I grabbed a journal and my camera, and filmed how to use the machines and tubes, and oxegyn..and then they left. I was terrified. How was I supposed to do all of this? But, I did it. And I was GOOD at it...during all of this I realized I would have made a very good nurse. He could only eat liquids by mouth..ice cream, jello, etc. the hospice nurse came the next morning for his bath, and tomcheck his meds, and give him more! He had enough morphine to knock out an army..plus pain patches..it was like they wanted him as stoned as possible...but he really DIDN,t like or want the morphine...anyway, he was in pretty good humor, but Saturday afternoon we had to call 911,, they couldn,t get a blood pressure reading...this goes on and on..but the point I need to make is THEY NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT TRANSITIONING!
So, last week I was trolling this board, and I came across another David, who had posted his partner had transitioned.
I DIDN,t know what that meant so I googled it.
Now back to BOb...fast forward to Monday night...he had started jerking his head...a lot! He could still talk to me, but I had to translate for him when he talked to a few other people on the phone, he was still laughing, and in good spirits...but the jerking was getting worse, and he was getting agitated by the evening..that night, he took my hand and kissed it, and said THANKYOU....the next morning Tuesday, the nurse came another bath..imhad learned to do a lot of other things for him but I was too small to bathe him...and still the ONLY thing the nurse told me was NOT to call 911 if anything happened..to call hospice first. Huh?
After she left the jerking was worse..and he was feverish so I put a cool. Cloth on his forehead, and went to the bathroom. I had the baby monitor with me, I carried it everywhere, and I realized I couldn,t hear his VERY labored breathing...when I ran to his bedside, he wasn,t breathing,,the jerking had stopped..but it was the look on his face it was something totally unexpected. I had always herd of peaceful serene looks on someone who dies..but this wasn,t even near that. I held him,kissed him, closed his eyes, and called hospice like I had been told to.

Until last week I had no idea that all of whT he had gone through was called transitioning, For 20 months I thought I had done something terribly wrong. I even took a picture of him with that expression on his face...why had he died that way?
I DIDN,t know that this was a normal procedure..that his body had been shutting down. That the expression isn,t always pleasant..I am sugar coating this and I m so angry at the stupid hospice people for the lack of information. Yes, I had taken pictures and small videos of his progress or lack of...but I cannot look at them. So thank you David H for your posts leading me to that other post from that other David. I thought BOb must have suffered an unusual death..and maybe it was somehow my fault. I read on Google it was very common, and not everyone goes “gentle into that goodnight.” I still find it difficult to believe I wasn,t told to expect this.
Comment by Mary. Jane on December 1, 2017 at 8:40pm
Actually, that is awesome that his family and friends were there and he knew it. I know how hard that must be for you...but understand how u afraid it made him.
Bobs brother Warren died in 2004, but I had been feeling is presence even b4 Bob got sick...near the end...I asked.bon if Warren was here, and he said yes...so I know when BOb died, Warren was there to help him transition, and take him. I was happy he wasn,t alone. When I would ask. on if he ever thought of suicide, he was ADIMENT and would say NO! I want to see this thing through. And he did. I have another post for u, but it will have to wait for a bit..Kitty needs feeding. Your David must have been very in tune with the spirit world. I know that was very hard for you, but I think it is wonderful. I am wondering...since you have stopped taking those meds, can you feel his presence? Ok bye for now..?Back later...you did something inadvertently for me last week...I will post it later. I was reading some of your posts...and came across another David who had mentioned his partner had TRANSITIONED. More to come in a bit.
Mary Jane
Comment by David Heggi on December 1, 2017 at 6:31pm

Dear Mary Jane,

When I imagine my David's last day it is when we both know; it could not be just another day; otherwise there would be no last anything:  our declaration of our truest feelings of love for each other, our promises to wait for each other, the I'm sorries for the countless times we should have apologized - all the things we wish now that could've been said.  And yes, to hold him in my arms soothe his brow and whisper in his ear how so very much I loved him.-------Oh, this hurts so much.  Tho it has to be said.

In the last months, every morning he would share his dreams with me.  They were almost always dreams of his family and friends who had passed.  To a fault, they would always tell him that they were OK now - not to worry.  And that they were anticipating being reunited.  he even encountered these same souls on the street who would turn and smile at him and then disappear as quickly as they came.  You can imagine how unsettling it was for me:  I knew what it/ they implied and told him so,  But David was never afraid of death.  Even though he loved life and had so much more, he yearned to be in Heaven with all his loved ones.

You had the grace of knowing; Bob had the grace to wait until you were out of the room ; David waited until I went to bed - we have to respect that.

A long relationship a long story.

Hugs, your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 1, 2017 at 5:02pm
David...that’s a good question...but I think it needs clarifying...do we know it’s their last day, or not? Do THEY know it is their last day? If BOb. Ours. One back for even an hour, i’d Like to think we’d talk, and hold each other...go over our life together..telling each other how much we loved each other, .apologize for a few things, ask why somethings happened, and promise to love each other forever. I believe in reincarnation, so I know we will be together in another life...the one question I would like to ask, is why was he so afraid of dying? All his life he had been afraid of cancer...and he was right. I want to know how he KNEW he would get it. I would tell him how much I always loved his, even during the bad times, because the one thing I knew was he loved me with all his heart, as did I. I knew he was the one the first time I looked into his eyes...knowing that makes you able to forgive mistakes in a relationship.
The people here, and a few of my friends who’s loved one died instantly and unexpectedly are the ones my heart breaks for.
At least I had the grace of knowing he was dying. I also have the respect of BOb for dying much earlier than anyone expected..he gave hospice 4 Days, and decided $crew this and crossed over. However I AM angry that he waited until I left the room for less than a minute to die. I hear that is common. I felt cheatind out of being able to hold his hand as he left this world.
Comment by David Heggi on December 1, 2017 at 4:19pm

Dear Patti,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Joe.

I'm relatively new in my grief - a raw 3 months.

You're probably right that things don't get better as much as they just change.  Maybe change is a distraction.

I'm glad that you have been able to wean yourself off the meds - I'm still on mine - I don't want those feelings; I want them blocked.

What would we do (differently) if we had just one more day with our loved ones? a very good question w/all kinds of painful what ifs should haves could haves.  I know that I would do anything to keep him.  He also had many plans - so much to look forward to.

Patti, it just hurts so damned much, doesn't it.

Hope that you continue to change for the better.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Patti on December 1, 2017 at 3:29pm

Hi all....it's been a while since I've posted....actually quite a while.  It's approaching two years quickly that my husband has been gone and so much has changed.  I almost in a sense want it all to slow down....but life does not slow down.  Our children are all doing as well as they can - I think Christmas is always going to be difficult for us...Joe passed away on 12/23. I do read all of your posts and most of the times I'm knowing exactly how all of you are feeling but I just can't post....I don't know why....I think that if I don't post it still doesn't seem so real.  Just this Sept I was able to slowly wean myself off my anxiety and depression meds that the doctor prescribed to me after my husband died....and I'm actually feeling things....it's not being blocked.  I miss my husband every single day and wish I had just one more day with him....but I know I would continue wanting more.  I'm still angry that his life was cut so short when we had so many damn plans - now I'm making my own plans and it makes me sad.  I remember a few months after Joe died I was told by so many that things will get easier and I'll feel better.  But things are not easier and I don't always feel better - but things are different and I'm able to accept that.  I have no choice but to not accept it.  I recently put myself out there on a dating website....I'm lonely and miss companionship.  I met a guy who lost his wife a month before my husband died.  He's a good man and we have a lot in common but I'm hesitant...I just wanted to check in with all of you and know that I am still here and still follow.  Thinking of all of you during this holiday season and wishing you all peace in your hearts. 

Comment by deborah peck on December 1, 2017 at 3:13pm

Mary Jane, I too go along with my life and go places and do things and I KNOW hes gone but it seems like I'm always saying to him, I guess your not coming back are you. its so weird to me since his ashes sit on his dresser and I kiss him goodnight, I just have a hard time grasping reality, I had looked at a real pretty bench at the cemetary to put his and my ashes together in and even went to order it but cant part with him yet, its just confusing  .Hope this gets better, I too have trouble with my thought process and from what I understand its normal  and will get better with time. I don't know about you but this whole thing is messed up and I'm tired of it, tired of the sadness and replaying the time he was dying, just want to be my old self but I think she is gone

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 1, 2017 at 11:32am
Deborh, it took me over a year fo face the fact that BOb was really gone. Last Christmas when I went back to California, I could see the guarded looks and hesitancy In everyone’s face tone not sure how they should approach me..but I told everyone I was FINE! I assured them all, that I was k, they DIDN,t have to treat me with kid gloves...and I WAS ok...I felt guilty for not feeling sad and depressed..and vaguely wondered if there was something wrong with me, but I just blew it off..yup, almost 50 years of BOb by my side, and I felt fine. Yes I had the occasional breakdown, but I had energy, and told everyone not to worry about me...I was ok.
Except I wasn,t. Mentally I was living in some sort of fairyland, where this was all a bad dream, and I would wake up, and BOb would be back, and happy I hasn,t thrown out any f his stuff...and finally everything inside me began to change...I *Goggled “delayed grief” and was sure that wasn,t me, everything was fine...nevermid that I had no brain function, just sat in his chair all day, I had no thought process...but as the months went by this Spring, reallaity slowly began to sink in. It is still sinking in. I am afraid f everything..I follow my kitty around the house all day, terrified he will drop dead at any minute...I have to hear from my daughter daily so I can make sure she is ok...l loose items all the time, I have no recall, I will have a thought in my head, and one second later it is gone. I haven,t even kept up with my journal...I wish I had faced his death right after it happened..like most people seem to do. I wonder if my thought process will ever return
Comment by deborah peck on December 1, 2017 at 9:36am

last night we went to a Christmas remembrance ceremony for Greg and other familys that had lost someone, it went okay until they read his name, it was like a shock to hear his name listed along with others that have passed, why after 6 months do I still have to remind myself that hes not coming back even though I know hes not

 

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