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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by David Heggi on December 4, 2017 at 8:39pm

Dear Patti,

I'm so glad you have found someone to go out with - you are evolving, and that in no way diminishes your love for Joe.

It's great that you are discovering your independence, and loving it - I'm sure he would be giving you the thumbs up.

Hope that time is on my side too.  I can't imagine finding someone else - even looking, for that matter. So wishing you the best, Patti.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 4, 2017 at 4:52pm

Hi kids...there s so much I want to reply to, I hope I get my thoughts  correct and don,t mix up people. 

PATTI..good for you. I hope you find some nice people to spend time with...I think the fact you look forward to social events is great! But, since Bob died, my level of FEAR of everything has gone through the roof, so I would advise you to do a background check on anyone you are considering meeting. I have no idea how to DO that, but I would find out. 

This is the first time in my entire life I have been on my own..and although I would love to still have BOb here, I LOVE being able to do what I want to, make my own decisions, etc. I am still crippled by the fact I don,t know how to drive a car, and I am too old and unfocused to learn, so I am very hindered in my life. I HATE begging for rides and there is NO public transportation where I live. None.  If I were younger I would give learning to drive a try..but I am not..so that’s life. PATTI... I believe you DO have time to talk to him. Lots of time. I believe our deceased loved ones are still with us...and that they can hear us..we just have to believe that..it won’t hurt anything to start talking to him...you can,t see him, but if you open your heart, I believe you WILL be able to feel him. I think they are still with us...just on a different level. I know I can still feel BOb.

CHRISTINE...this is NOT a punishment!!!!! People die every day. My heart breaks for military families...death is a fact of life. But we go on...until it is our time. My biggest fear is my daughter will die before I do. My NEXT biggest fear is my cat will die an untimely death. Seriously, when he is sleeping, I spend all day checking to see if he is still breathing...if he,s awake and not directly where I can,t see him...I search the house terrified he has died smewhere and I don,t stop searching until I find him. Yes, I sound like a huge nut job...and I guess I am. 

I don’t do much all day, I have no motivation...but I DO have hope I will get better. I want to move back to California, but I am overwhelmed by just the thought of clearing out all the stuff accumulated over the years...we never threw anything out. It would b easer to just pack what I like, and walk away..never even opening the many boxes in storage..stuff I have forgotten about and apparently don,t need.

ok I am starting to ramble...so I will stop. There is a big storm warning here now...so I,d better find all the flashlights. LOL

Comment by Michael Smith on December 4, 2017 at 1:18pm

Patti, 

I understand what you are saying and there is no need to apologize. I know my words seem a little off from time to time.

Comment by Patti on December 4, 2017 at 1:11pm

Mike:  As soon as I posted my comment I regretted using the work "easier" so accept my apology for that....I only say that there are days that I wonder....I'm sure all of you know exactly what I mean....I know many of you have spent years watching your loved one slowly die and I'm 100% certain it isn't any different than my sudden loss of my husband.  The bottom line is that I just wish I had more time with him....I continue to think back to the night I left the hospital to go home and sleep in my own bed and try to get a full nights sleep....my twin sister stayed at the hospital with my husband we were in hopes that he would be coming home the next day....the 23rd of December in time for Christmas with all our kids who would be with us.  He text messaged me at 4am to tell me that he finally passed gas....that meant the obstruction was gone and that they would remove the tube from his nose....he was ecstatic as I was too.  I texted back that I would be getting up in an hour and on my way back to him....it wasn't even an hour later that my sister called me and told me that I and the kids needed to get to the hospital asap that Joe had thrown a massive clot and was unresponsive....I immeditately started panicking and I remember the last thing I said to her was please make sure you tell him I love him and I'll be right there.  She told him that and I know he heard her but I never again got to hear his voice....I can only pray that he had heard mine.  He never regained conscienceness once they put him on the ventilator.  He died that afternoon at 11:17AM.  Again, there are so many days that I wish I had just one more day or wish I hadn't gone home that night.  I know I can't change it....

Comment by Michael Smith on December 4, 2017 at 1:00pm

Patti,

i'm not sure if it is any easier when you lose your spouse after a long illness. My Melanie fought colon cancer for two and a half years. I have only experienced the slow expected death and have wondered what the short unexpected side is like. Not that I am willing to find out anytime soon. I hope that someday I can stop taking Zoloft, I started taking it shortly after she was diagnosed. I am happy for you to have found someone to spend time with and you are right he is not a replacement for Joe just a new chapter in your life.

Hugs Mike

Comment by Patti on December 4, 2017 at 11:41am

This is for David and Maryjane:  Thank you so much for addressing my response....I almost felt like I hadn't posted on this site in so long that I shouldn't have.  But I'm glad I did.  I was very cautious on the dating website....I'm no longer on it since I met someone....that someone is just someone to go to dinner with and not feel like a third wheel attending social engagements.  My stepkids have finally agreed to meet him and I'm happy about that....I made it very clear to them that he isn't intended to replace their father....no one can ever replace Joe - they can only enhance my life for what I may be missing.  I have gotten use to being by myself and I do like that which is why I have decided to buy my own home and live on my own.  With Joe's death is really the first time I was ever alone and I feel like I've been doing okay....trust me on occasion I wish I was still on my anxiety pills there are days that my heart is beating out of my chest with anxiety.  Or nights I lay in bed and can literally hear my heart pounding.  I'm not sure if that will ever go away....my husband wasn't sick....he had a scheduled hernia repair surgery and died 5 days after from a saddle pulmonary embolism....he was a healthy man.  This loss has changed me in so many ways....new fears seems to be the biggest thing....I know my last post I mentioned having one more day with JOe....but that would never ever be enough.  In a way I know this sounds terrible but I almost wish he would have been sick instead....I could have prepared more but I know that wouldn't have mattered.  My loss is my loss whether I was prepared or not. I hope everyone has a good Monday.  I so appreciate all of you and your posts.  THank you for welcoming me back.

Comment by Marsha H on December 4, 2017 at 5:02am

Dear Christine ...  It's natural to not accept invitations or not have the energy to get ready to go out.  I went through that myself.  Believe it or not it was my 2 dogs who forced me to get up and get moving and go for walks.  I go to a beautiful protected dyke that has nature all around and it's so peaceful and I began to realize that I was beginning to come out of my shock of losing Ernie.  Oh yes, I cried, wore sunglasses and had Kleenex ready to use, but yes, as time went on I did feel better, had more energy and started to see family and friends again and do a few things even if it wasn't a great as having my Ernie with me.  We do grow stronger no matter whether we like to think so or not.  So for now, you do what your body is telling you to do and rest and don't worry about not accepting invitations.  You will eventually.

'Why did our spouses have to pass away and are we bad people' is as old as the ages and no, we will never have an answer to that.  I believe we will received the answer when our time comes.  When I was in raw grief I once cried out to my friend, 'Why?  What did we do that was so bad?  I feel like everyone who has passed away in my family has had a free trip to a beautiful place and they forgot to invite me.'  I longed to be with Ernie and those who I loved that had passed, but now, after 7 years I am beginning to get angry at the hell I went through (still have some rough days) so I grab life by the throat and do what I can do.  I hope and pray that you too will feel this way soon.

Please let us know how your doctor's appointment went.  I know this too is a puzzle as to why you have to go through as well as grieving.  There just are no answers unfortunately.

Comment by David Heggi on December 3, 2017 at 8:41pm

Hi Chicago,

What a lovely sentiment:

Pain is the price of genuine love - would we gladly trade something less  for less pain?  That's a hard one -  sometimes it hurts so much, but then I couldn't: he deserved nothing less than the real thing,  

David H

Comment by David Heggi on December 3, 2017 at 6:31pm

Dear Deborah,

It is comforting to know that there are so many of us out here who are experiencing  the same agony.

For me, it is the worst when I am not engaged with Legacy helping and being helped.  When I can't,  that void is what tests my true mettle.  It's then when I have to be still and know that God is His strongest in our weakest place.  And I have to hand it all over to Him once again, and again, and again.....

Even so, like yourself, it's the nights that are hardest  when alone with all those crazy thoughts - and then trying to shut my mind off when it will not, and go to sleep - yes.

You are not alone, Deborah

Your friend,

David H

Comment by deborah peck on December 3, 2017 at 4:44pm

Christine,  I wish I could tell you why this horrible thing has happened to each of us but I cant, When my 1st husband passed the question why was always there in my mind until I thought I would go crazy and until I accepted that I would know someday when we were together again. With the death of my husband now I wont allow my mind to go there, its just a question that no one can answer. I wish you good luck at your doctor appointments and am praying its not as bad as you think it is,  debbie

 

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