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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on December 5, 2017 at 12:05pm

I'm so sorry you had to do that, I kinda had the same experience with my Greg, he was in the hospital for a week before I took him home and he begged me to take him home even though he was so weak I couldn't care for him myself, he finally came home on hospice and died the next day, I kept telling him he was home but not sure if he realized it, I hope he did glad you got David home so he knew where he was, I'm sure it brought you both peace, your friend Debbie

Comment by David Heggi on December 5, 2017 at 10:58am

Dear Deborah,

You're right: we want them back, but we don't want them back - it would be too hard to say goodbye.  I had to do that many years ago when David was in board and care for his anyeurism; I would pick him up on Fridays so he could be home on the weekends, but then always had to take him back Sunday afternoon.  It absolutely broke my heart.  We both wanted him to be home but couldn't because of his medication treatment there - it was to be 6 months.  It was at that mark in time on Easter Sunday when he cried like a baby wanting to stay home.  SO I had to get him released.  Right now to this day I still sob remembering those emotions - I am as I type here. It was the same when he was in the hospital: I did not want to leave him there and go home - I cried and cried.

When I read that part in your message about not wanting to say goodbye again it triggered all of those feelings.  I could not bear it.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by deborah peck on December 5, 2017 at 9:25am

Pattie, I think its great that you are seeing someone and wish you nothing but the best. We all wish for more time with our loved ones, but I'm not sure if I do as I couldn't go thru the shock of losing them again, my sis said she wished that my Greg could come back just for Christmas, I looked at her and said no it would be too painful to have to say goodbye although I beg him to give me signs hes still around. I love and miss him every second but wouldn't want to start this mourning process ever again.   Debbie

Comment by deborah peck on December 5, 2017 at 9:19am

Mary Jane, 

  I too am struggling with going anyplace with friends, I keep making plans and then canceling them, I asked them to please not give up on me that I would want to eventually. I have no problem going with family but friends are harder for me.

Comment by David Heggi on December 4, 2017 at 8:39pm

Dear Patti,

I'm so glad you have found someone to go out with - you are evolving, and that in no way diminishes your love for Joe.

It's great that you are discovering your independence, and loving it - I'm sure he would be giving you the thumbs up.

Hope that time is on my side too.  I can't imagine finding someone else - even looking, for that matter. So wishing you the best, Patti.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 4, 2017 at 4:52pm

Hi kids...there s so much I want to reply to, I hope I get my thoughts  correct and don,t mix up people. 

PATTI..good for you. I hope you find some nice people to spend time with...I think the fact you look forward to social events is great! But, since Bob died, my level of FEAR of everything has gone through the roof, so I would advise you to do a background check on anyone you are considering meeting. I have no idea how to DO that, but I would find out. 

This is the first time in my entire life I have been on my own..and although I would love to still have BOb here, I LOVE being able to do what I want to, make my own decisions, etc. I am still crippled by the fact I don,t know how to drive a car, and I am too old and unfocused to learn, so I am very hindered in my life. I HATE begging for rides and there is NO public transportation where I live. None.  If I were younger I would give learning to drive a try..but I am not..so that’s life. PATTI... I believe you DO have time to talk to him. Lots of time. I believe our deceased loved ones are still with us...and that they can hear us..we just have to believe that..it won’t hurt anything to start talking to him...you can,t see him, but if you open your heart, I believe you WILL be able to feel him. I think they are still with us...just on a different level. I know I can still feel BOb.

CHRISTINE...this is NOT a punishment!!!!! People die every day. My heart breaks for military families...death is a fact of life. But we go on...until it is our time. My biggest fear is my daughter will die before I do. My NEXT biggest fear is my cat will die an untimely death. Seriously, when he is sleeping, I spend all day checking to see if he is still breathing...if he,s awake and not directly where I can,t see him...I search the house terrified he has died smewhere and I don,t stop searching until I find him. Yes, I sound like a huge nut job...and I guess I am. 

I don’t do much all day, I have no motivation...but I DO have hope I will get better. I want to move back to California, but I am overwhelmed by just the thought of clearing out all the stuff accumulated over the years...we never threw anything out. It would b easer to just pack what I like, and walk away..never even opening the many boxes in storage..stuff I have forgotten about and apparently don,t need.

ok I am starting to ramble...so I will stop. There is a big storm warning here now...so I,d better find all the flashlights. LOL

Comment by Michael Smith on December 4, 2017 at 1:18pm

Patti, 

I understand what you are saying and there is no need to apologize. I know my words seem a little off from time to time.

Comment by Patti on December 4, 2017 at 1:11pm

Mike:  As soon as I posted my comment I regretted using the work "easier" so accept my apology for that....I only say that there are days that I wonder....I'm sure all of you know exactly what I mean....I know many of you have spent years watching your loved one slowly die and I'm 100% certain it isn't any different than my sudden loss of my husband.  The bottom line is that I just wish I had more time with him....I continue to think back to the night I left the hospital to go home and sleep in my own bed and try to get a full nights sleep....my twin sister stayed at the hospital with my husband we were in hopes that he would be coming home the next day....the 23rd of December in time for Christmas with all our kids who would be with us.  He text messaged me at 4am to tell me that he finally passed gas....that meant the obstruction was gone and that they would remove the tube from his nose....he was ecstatic as I was too.  I texted back that I would be getting up in an hour and on my way back to him....it wasn't even an hour later that my sister called me and told me that I and the kids needed to get to the hospital asap that Joe had thrown a massive clot and was unresponsive....I immeditately started panicking and I remember the last thing I said to her was please make sure you tell him I love him and I'll be right there.  She told him that and I know he heard her but I never again got to hear his voice....I can only pray that he had heard mine.  He never regained conscienceness once they put him on the ventilator.  He died that afternoon at 11:17AM.  Again, there are so many days that I wish I had just one more day or wish I hadn't gone home that night.  I know I can't change it....

Comment by Michael Smith on December 4, 2017 at 1:00pm

Patti,

i'm not sure if it is any easier when you lose your spouse after a long illness. My Melanie fought colon cancer for two and a half years. I have only experienced the slow expected death and have wondered what the short unexpected side is like. Not that I am willing to find out anytime soon. I hope that someday I can stop taking Zoloft, I started taking it shortly after she was diagnosed. I am happy for you to have found someone to spend time with and you are right he is not a replacement for Joe just a new chapter in your life.

Hugs Mike

Comment by Patti on December 4, 2017 at 11:41am

This is for David and Maryjane:  Thank you so much for addressing my response....I almost felt like I hadn't posted on this site in so long that I shouldn't have.  But I'm glad I did.  I was very cautious on the dating website....I'm no longer on it since I met someone....that someone is just someone to go to dinner with and not feel like a third wheel attending social engagements.  My stepkids have finally agreed to meet him and I'm happy about that....I made it very clear to them that he isn't intended to replace their father....no one can ever replace Joe - they can only enhance my life for what I may be missing.  I have gotten use to being by myself and I do like that which is why I have decided to buy my own home and live on my own.  With Joe's death is really the first time I was ever alone and I feel like I've been doing okay....trust me on occasion I wish I was still on my anxiety pills there are days that my heart is beating out of my chest with anxiety.  Or nights I lay in bed and can literally hear my heart pounding.  I'm not sure if that will ever go away....my husband wasn't sick....he had a scheduled hernia repair surgery and died 5 days after from a saddle pulmonary embolism....he was a healthy man.  This loss has changed me in so many ways....new fears seems to be the biggest thing....I know my last post I mentioned having one more day with JOe....but that would never ever be enough.  In a way I know this sounds terrible but I almost wish he would have been sick instead....I could have prepared more but I know that wouldn't have mattered.  My loss is my loss whether I was prepared or not. I hope everyone has a good Monday.  I so appreciate all of you and your posts.  THank you for welcoming me back.

 

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