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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by David Heggi on December 3, 2017 at 3:44pm

Dear Chris,

I "understand' that where you are is part of the normal process.  But I don't feel it either.  I guess we just shut down, our minds and bodies needing the time to heal - there's that H word again.

I have to know that we are not bad people being punished - can you honestly believe that?  We would not be on this site if we were.

Why?  There's no rhyme or reason a living person can figure out.  Our loved ones are now privy to those age old questions - I envy them that too.

It's hard to have days of Doctor appointments anxiously anticipating results and answers, especially these; they are life changing.

I will be anxious to hear some good news.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Christine Blaire on December 3, 2017 at 3:11pm

Dear David, Mary Jane, etc. I've hit a low...Friday was invited out by my brother in law and sister-in-law. Did my nails, that's as far as I got. Last night I was supposed to go out with my daughter and her gentleman friend, didn't go. Today my daughter wanted me to come over for dinner. So, here I set, three days in pjs and didn't do anything with my hair and I just sat and watched tv. Don't ask what I watched, I don't remember. Today is the 30 th anniversary of my 30 year old brothers death. He's been gone as long as he's been alive. So, I start drinking around two in the afternoon. Even with the Vatican I can't get buzzed. Haven't been out of the house except to let the dog go see. Tomorrow therapy at 10:30 and breast cancer Dr at four,biopsy at 7:30 Tuesday. I need to know how far along and if they can give me a ballpark idea of how much time I have left. The companion urn will be full before you know it!  I have people around me and good people but they all say they can't imagine what I'm going through. All of us on this site know,unfortunately. I have a question...and I know we're not supposed to but has anyone figured out why? Are we all such bad people that we have to feel such pain and heartache,and feel we are here for no reason,and don't appreciate life and all it has to offer???? Nothing will ever make me happy again. I know, time heals. No, time means longer away from my Marshall. Time is my enemy. I will let you all know what the Dr says tomorrow evening.   Love to you all. Chris

Comment by David Heggi on December 3, 2017 at 1:39pm

Dear Sara,
This site has become a safety net for me - the next step on this high wire cannot be seen.
It amazed me too; before Legacy I thought I was all alone in this private hell. The world goes on and expects us to comply when our world has stopped.
This site has saved my sanity too, although some days I lose it.
Take care Sara,
Your friend,
David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 3, 2017 at 11:03am
This is for PATTI..nice to meet you...and this is about your considering dating again. Go for it, girl.
4 years ago, one of mt best friends husband unexpectedly had a heart attack and died b4 the ambulance got there. So, about almost 2 years ago, she joined a dating site. And, she actually has met someone... and they are now living together. So GO FOR IT! But be very careful...meet in public places, take a friend along if u wish, and if something doesn,t seem right, LISTEN to your inner voice. And read a book called The Gift of Fear.
A funny story goes with this:
She has a 19 year old son, and he HATES Steve. She laughingly explains he doesn,t like the idea of some man “boinking his mother”. So I loftively countered with “oh, Melinda (only child, 47 yrs old) would be fine if I started dating again, and when I told her that, she had a FIT!!!! “NO I WOULN’T be happy!!!” She was so upset at the idea of her mother possibly meeting someone new, I had to laugh. She is even afraid of me using Uber for rides to appointments. (I don,t know how to drive)
Luckily I haven,t the vaguest intention of getting involve with anyone else. I am sorry to say there is NO WAY I want anyone else telling me what do do, cooking meals for him, etc. this is the first time in my entire life I have been able to make my own decisions and I LOVE it.
So look into it...it might work out that you find someone else out there. Just b very careful
Comment by Mary. Jane on December 3, 2017 at 10:40am
Oh Sara. I couldn’t agree with you more. I had looked and looked for something like this, for over a year, but ironically, I had finally looked at the picture I had taken of BOb,s face and the video of the minutes just b4 he’d died..so I was searching google for “death mask”or something like that, when a Phase fromLegAcy popped up. I followed it, and ended up here. FINALLY after all those months searching, I had found a home..of people who were just like me.
I have tried to refer people here, but I don,t think anyone has come here. Oh well..I had found home.
I really wish I had buckets of $$$$$$$ so I could pay for all of us to meet for a weekend...but there is a big difference from typing our feelings and experiences we’ve gone thru, that talking about it in person.
Comment by Sara Murphy on December 2, 2017 at 10:05pm

Mary Jane and David....this site has been a life saver for many people, myself included.   I found this site 2 months after I lost Ken and I remember when I read the first post and it was like the person posting was pulling thoughts from my head and typing them for me.  I couldn't believe other people thought and felt like I did and at that point, I knew I found my people.  Before that, I was wondering what was wrong with me.   No one could understand what I was feeling and I couldn't understand why they couldn't understand and why the world was still turning when I just wanted to get off.   Finding this site saved my sanity.

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 2, 2017 at 9:58pm

Patti.....It's nice to hear from you again.  Thanks for popping in and updating us.  That's a big step putting yourself on the dating site.  My 2 yr anniversary of losing Ken is coming up in January but I'm no where near ready to begin dating.  I think it's perfect that the man you met is a widower in that you can both understand each other's grief.  Wishing you peace during this difficult season with the holiday and anniversary.

Comment by David Heggi on December 2, 2017 at 3:39pm

Dear Mary Jane,

I have visited here so much lately that I am afraid Legacy will begin charging me rent :)

I think Bob did know - I believe people have an extra sense when they are nearing death.  I know that David did.  His deceased father got his attention a couple days before with information that only his son would possibly know about. He shared it with me.

They also don't want to cause loved ones unnecessary pain - a gift they give us.  I'm sure Bob didn't want anyone to witness his decline.  Do you think that maybe personal dignity has in part something to do with it?  I can understand and respect that.   It makes sense.

Legacy has become a life saver for me too.  At times I think they are just babysitting me, but that's OK because it is part and parcel of the grieving process. 

P.S. - and no, you did not cross a line;  you were not graphic at all.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by David Heggi on December 2, 2017 at 12:28pm

Dear Mary Jane,

How horrendous all that must have been for you!

I know something about what Hospice and you had to do for Bob.  I had a feeding tube for that liquid nutrient stuff and for my crushed meds after I had my strokes. I also administered morphine when my mother was dying in Hospice - they didn't tell me when the nurse winked his eye that the dosage I was to be giving would eventually kill her.

I did not witness any apparent  trauma with the deaths of my family and Dave;  they passed very peacefully.

My mother witnessed family member "visitors" in her room just before she died.  And my father was holding out his arms calling my late mothers name when he died  .She must have been there welcoming him.  So I am familiar with the transitioning process..

Yes Mary Jane;  Dave was very much in tune with the spirit world; if there was a spirit, a soul wandering about he was always the one they would appear to.  He related countless of those visitations to me in our years together. We had an in-house lady who would sit at the dining room table and smile at him while he would cook in the kitchen.

I have not stopped taking my anxiety meds; I'm still very unstable.  I wish I could tell you that I have felt Dave's presence, but I haven't.  I talk to him a lot and pray that he's OK, but nothing like he experienced.

I'm glad you found a thread in my story that led to other discoveries - isn't that how it always happens?

Hope to message again, Mary Jane

your friend

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 2, 2017 at 11:33am
After I posted that graphic post last night, I went to sleep..and worried if I had crossed a line. This morning, I reread it, and a thought occurred to me that I had never considered until now.
My daughter lives clear across the country, and had spent two weeks here in JanuRy after Bob had his first seizure..to be with him, spend quality time with him..etc. The night before he died, a package arrived. Her boss had sent me an IPad...so Melinda could FaceTime with BOb, and talk to him “in person”. Her bosses father had spent months in a care facility that was very far away, so they had communicated by IPad several times a day. It was a wonderful generous thing to do..but I had no idea how to use it..so that MondY night we agreed that the next night she would tell me how to use it, and she could talk to her dad “in person”. Of course, I told him he would be talking to her Tuesday night, they could see each other, etc.
This morning it occurred to me that he DIDN,t WANT her to see him the way he,d become! He wanted her to remember him the way he was in JanuRy..laughing, walking with the walker, not dying in a hospital bed with slurred speech and diminished hearing. He knew we were going to “face time” late that afternoon...and I think he chose to die before that time..and he did.
He DIDN,t want her to see how sick he,d become..but remember her dad as he’d been a few weeks ago...so he chose to leave this world earlier than expected. What an amazing gift that was. It had never occurred to me until now.

That is one of the beauties of Legacy..by writing and sharing the horrid details of our losses we are able to understand them more...and thereby gives us comfort and insight we might never have had.
I don,t know what I would have done without this site to come to.
Thank you all.
 

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