Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 10 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22.
Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25.
Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25.
Debbie......I'm so happy to hear you received a good report. You and your family must be so relieved.
Dear Christine ... Yes, we all do care about you very much. I know you feel like ending it all and joining your husband (I sure did and sometimes still do on bad days) but the fact you are concerned about the lump lights that small flicker of flame inside of you that you do want to live. Sounds crazy yes, but as time does go on we get stronger and although we will always miss our spouses something forces us to go on. We will join them one day and there is a reason we still are here. I finally came to realization Ernie didn't want me to go with him, but live on until we meet again and that I'm sure of for all of us.
You are very fortunate to have a concerned doctor do these tests and yes, they should be done. This does not mean you have cancer! The needle biopsy is to hopefully find fluid in your lump which is very common and if it is hard they will do more of an extensive biopsy or remove the lump entirely depending on what your doctor feels is best for you. The fact the lump is not attached to anything is a good sign and could well mean it is not going into lymph nodes. Here is a link explaining breast lumps and hope it gives you some comfort: http://www.breastcancer.org/questions/lump?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4qSe-p...
Yes, God wants us to have a decent life and just not to exist, but grief is essential in life no matter how much the loss hurts our heart. You won't feel like this forever Christine and raw grief is the worst. Grief is a journey and after I got through raw grief (wishing every day I would never wake up) it got easier as time went on. Then I realized there is life after our beloved's passing. Grief is a series of steps we go through and I have to say it has made me more humble and more in tune with other people's pain and worries. I agree with David that already you seem to have improved in your thoughts even if just a small bit. Christine, not only are you grieving for your loss, but so is your family and they would be devastated if you didn't keep fighting. I know you are frightened of the outcome of this lump and I'll be praying you come through this just fine. So please read the link because knowledge is everything.
Dear Christine, You are certainly still in a bad place, not wanting to wake to another long painful day, and another drugged night - I have to take sleeping pills too, otherwise I lay there my mind going to the worst places. You pushed my buttons where you and your beloved promised that you would go together, implying that neither of you would be left behind. I used to think that sentiment was peculiar to Dave's and my relationship. But after reading story after story,
I believe that it is a universal aspect of grief. And yes, that he would wait for you...
Reading in between the lines, I sense a glimmer of the life force breaking through: you are seeing your Doctors, and more or less complying with treatment - even hope that the cancer might be removed. You may not feel it, but your letter has taken a positive turn.
Hope to hear of more good news,
Dear Chuck, Deborah, David,Marsha, Mary Jane I want you all to know that I'm not upset or put off by anything that you've said to me. I appreciate your concern and I know that you are speaking from the heart. I will talk to this Dr on Monday afternoon. She has to convince me that there is a reason for the biopsy. My new Dr said she wished I'd had a mammogram last year. That tells me that it's been there for some time and a year ago the outcome could have been different. Ok yes, I'm reading things that haven't been said. This will be a needle biopsy where they numb the spot and stick a needle in to get some of it. The lump is close to the surface, you can actually see some of it it I lie down and raise my arm. She will have to convince me that there is a valid reason to do this. Since it isn't attached to anything and there is nothing anywhere else there was talk of just removing it alone and no chemo or radiation. If they open more won't it spread? That would be worse.I will not go through that the tumor is an inch and shows up black . I dontbelieve that God wants us to just exist he wants us to enjoy our lives and appreciate his blessings. But if you hate when you wake up in the morning because you know you have another useless long day ahead of you and need sleeping pills and Latvian to sleep....that's not living. I know there are people who are ill and desperately want to live. I would gladly trade places. I pleaded with my husband to give his cancer to me. I knew he couldn't and wouldnt. We always said we'd go together because neither one of us could go on without the other. Seems we both had cancer at the same time and his family all said that he went first cause it would have destroyed him if I went first. There's a reason we have cancer at the same time. I helped him pass and he said he'd wait for me. So,ill see this Dr Monday a nd if she convinces me that the biopsy will give more info then Tuesday morning ill have it. Chances are slim that it's not cancer but we need to know. Maybe they will have a better idea of stage and if it's aggressive. I've had it at least a year. My hands shake all the time, I cry at the drop of a had, I havepanic attacks. I have felt more relaxed since finding this out. Tomorrow will be one month since he left....it seems like years.
yes Marsha prayers do work
Deborah .... Prayers do work! I did pray for you and Christine every night. I have had cancer before in my 20's and I made it. I am so please to hear the doctors got all of it and you are OK. You are right, we are here for a reason.
Hugs to you!
I went to the surgeon today to get my stitches out and to get the final biopsy report and it was all clear, stage 2 but they got it all, am very relieved, I couldn't imagine putting my kids thru any more pain, Christine, I don't think you will like what I am going to say but here goes, I have been thru two husbands deaths, the first one I wanted to desperately drive my car into a river and just be done , I didn't want to live, but knowing the pain my then little girls would go thru I couldn't do it to them, with my recent loss the idea of spending the rest of my life without Greg is daunting so I don't look at the big picture I look at now, day to day, week to week, I would never put my family into having to deal with my death . I had to nurse both of my parents thru cancer and while the doctor says they will keep you comfortable there is only so much they can do, sometimes it is a long painful death that is unbelievably hard on the family to go thru to so for you to willingly put this kind of pain on your children and family is so wrong, I know your just wanting your pain to end but think about the people that have to live after you are gone, would you want them to do what you are planning, I don't think you would. you would want them to go on and live the life they have and someday be reunited as it should be. I have listened to your messages and it kind of makes me angry that you would give up so easily, no I don't want to be in this world without my husband but I know he would not want me to do something stupid and would want me to watch ur family continue to grow, everyone on this Earth has a purpose and we have to figure out what that purpose is now, so go get the biopsy and continue on for your family. debbie
Dear Christine ... I am so very sorry you have gotten negative results on your breast lump and whether you may not want to hear this at all my friend was in the same position as you; no Chemo or Radiation and she is going strong. The doctor didn't say he couldn't get it all. I know how you feel wanting to join the love your life, but please ask yourself this ... did he want you to give up far too early. It is not uncommon for a spouse left behind to feel exactly as you do and I've been there myself until I realized Ernie wouldn't want me to give up so early in life and carry that torch for him and myself and when it's time I do believe we'll be together. Do what you have to do Christine and we'll be here for you every step of the way.
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