Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by David Heggi on December 5, 2017 at 2:46pm

Dear Deborah,

Thank you for sharing.

It must've been very hard to finally bring Greg home, and then only to have him die in Hospice care after a day.  I hope he knew he was home -  I hope there is an extra sense for the dying.  I wish there was one for the "survivors" too,  some super human strength that gets us thru.

David knew exactly where he was; he sat back in his recliner in awe that he was home for good.  I wish he could be.  I wish his death was all just a horrible horrible mistake, and that he was coming back home for good.....

I know I shouldn't have those wishes, but don't we all?

Sorry, Deborah, it's one of those bad days.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 5, 2017 at 2:10pm

Ohhh, Patti I sometimes watch This is us...which is really good, but many times I find myself watching a scene that is too emotional for me, so I change the channel.

BTW, something on network TV REALLY has me pi$$ed’s the lame sitcom Kevin can Wait...which I have only watched maybe 4 times cuz it was on in between something else..anyway. Last season he had a WIFE, and this season she,s gone. They killed off her character, but it’s as if she never existed! They only mentioned her a few times in the first episode, and now it is as if she never existed!! WTF? 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 5, 2017 at 2:04pm

Is it just my IPad, or is there a big blank area on this page? That’s it. Carry on.

Comment by Patti on December 5, 2017 at 12:40pm

The holidays seem to bring everything back and the fact that he is not here to celebrate with us....I don't know if any of you watch THIS IS US...but there was a scene a few weeks back where Rebecca was talking and she said something like "the happiest moments will also be a little sad".  That quote hit me....meaning life is going to go on for all of us and we will start to feel happy but a part of me will always be sad that Joe is not sharing it with me.  And the holidays are where I feel it the most....I mean I feel it everyday but the holidays hit the hardest....and I know it may get even worse once our children have children.  Joe wanted grandchildren so badly and he would have been wonderful - it makes me so sad to know that he is not here to enjoy it when the time comes.  And that I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy it for both of us.

Comment by deborah peck on December 5, 2017 at 12:05pm

I'm so sorry you had to do that, I kinda had the same experience with my Greg, he was in the hospital for a week before I took him home and he begged me to take him home even though he was so weak I couldn't care for him myself, he finally came home on hospice and died the next day, I kept telling him he was home but not sure if he realized it, I hope he did glad you got David home so he knew where he was, I'm sure it brought you both peace, your friend Debbie

Comment by David Heggi on December 5, 2017 at 10:58am

Dear Deborah,

You're right: we want them back, but we don't want them back - it would be too hard to say goodbye.  I had to do that many years ago when David was in board and care for his anyeurism; I would pick him up on Fridays so he could be home on the weekends, but then always had to take him back Sunday afternoon.  It absolutely broke my heart.  We both wanted him to be home but couldn't because of his medication treatment there - it was to be 6 months.  It was at that mark in time on Easter Sunday when he cried like a baby wanting to stay home.  SO I had to get him released.  Right now to this day I still sob remembering those emotions - I am as I type here. It was the same when he was in the hospital: I did not want to leave him there and go home - I cried and cried.

When I read that part in your message about not wanting to say goodbye again it triggered all of those feelings.  I could not bear it.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by deborah peck on December 5, 2017 at 9:25am

Pattie, I think its great that you are seeing someone and wish you nothing but the best. We all wish for more time with our loved ones, but I'm not sure if I do as I couldn't go thru the shock of losing them again, my sis said she wished that my Greg could come back just for Christmas, I looked at her and said no it would be too painful to have to say goodbye although I beg him to give me signs hes still around. I love and miss him every second but wouldn't want to start this mourning process ever again.   Debbie

Comment by deborah peck on December 5, 2017 at 9:19am

Mary Jane, 

  I too am struggling with going anyplace with friends, I keep making plans and then canceling them, I asked them to please not give up on me that I would want to eventually. I have no problem going with family but friends are harder for me.

Comment by David Heggi on December 4, 2017 at 8:39pm

Dear Patti,

I'm so glad you have found someone to go out with - you are evolving, and that in no way diminishes your love for Joe.

It's great that you are discovering your independence, and loving it - I'm sure he would be giving you the thumbs up.

Hope that time is on my side too.  I can't imagine finding someone else - even looking, for that matter. So wishing you the best, Patti.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 4, 2017 at 4:52pm

Hi kids...there s so much I want to reply to, I hope I get my thoughts  correct and don,t mix up people. 

PATTI..good for you. I hope you find some nice people to spend time with...I think the fact you look forward to social events is great! But, since Bob died, my level of FEAR of everything has gone through the roof, so I would advise you to do a background check on anyone you are considering meeting. I have no idea how to DO that, but I would find out. 

This is the first time in my entire life I have been on my own..and although I would love to still have BOb here, I LOVE being able to do what I want to, make my own decisions, etc. I am still crippled by the fact I don,t know how to drive a car, and I am too old and unfocused to learn, so I am very hindered in my life. I HATE begging for rides and there is NO public transportation where I live. None.  If I were younger I would give learning to drive a try..but I am that’s life. PATTI... I believe you DO have time to talk to him. Lots of time. I believe our deceased loved ones are still with us...and that they can hear us..we just have to believe won’t hurt anything to start talking to can,t see him, but if you open your heart, I believe you WILL be able to feel him. I think they are still with us...just on a different level. I know I can still feel BOb.

CHRISTINE...this is NOT a punishment!!!!! People die every day. My heart breaks for military families...death is a fact of life. But we go on...until it is our time. My biggest fear is my daughter will die before I do. My NEXT biggest fear is my cat will die an untimely death. Seriously, when he is sleeping, I spend all day checking to see if he is still breathing...if he,s awake and not directly where I can,t see him...I search the house terrified he has died smewhere and I don,t stop searching until I find him. Yes, I sound like a huge nut job...and I guess I am. 

I don’t do much all day, I have no motivation...but I DO have hope I will get better. I want to move back to California, but I am overwhelmed by just the thought of clearing out all the stuff accumulated over the years...we never threw anything out. It would b easer to just pack what I like, and walk away..never even opening the many boxes in storage..stuff I have forgotten about and apparently don,t need.

ok I am starting to I will stop. There is a big storm warning here I,d better find all the flashlights. LOL


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