Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Patricia Huett Apr 28. 3 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on December 1, 2017 at 11:32am
Deborh, it took me over a year fo face the fact that BOb was really gone. Last Christmas when I went back to California, I could see the guarded looks and hesitancy In everyone’s face tone not sure how they should approach me..but I told everyone I was FINE! I assured them all, that I was k, they DIDN,t have to treat me with kid gloves...and I WAS ok...I felt guilty for not feeling sad and depressed..and vaguely wondered if there was something wrong with me, but I just blew it off..yup, almost 50 years of BOb by my side, and I felt fine. Yes I had the occasional breakdown, but I had energy, and told everyone not to worry about me...I was ok.
Except I wasn,t. Mentally I was living in some sort of fairyland, where this was all a bad dream, and I would wake up, and BOb would be back, and happy I hasn,t thrown out any f his stuff...and finally everything inside me began to change...I *Goggled “delayed grief” and was sure that wasn,t me, everything was fine...nevermid that I had no brain function, just sat in his chair all day, I had no thought process...but as the months went by this Spring, reallaity slowly began to sink in. It is still sinking in. I am afraid f everything..I follow my kitty around the house all day, terrified he will drop dead at any minute...I have to hear from my daughter daily so I can make sure she is ok...l loose items all the time, I have no recall, I will have a thought in my head, and one second later it is gone. I haven,t even kept up with my journal...I wish I had faced his death right after it most people seem to do. I wonder if my thought process will ever return
Comment by deborah peck on December 1, 2017 at 9:36am

last night we went to a Christmas remembrance ceremony for Greg and other familys that had lost someone, it went okay until they read his name, it was like a shock to hear his name listed along with others that have passed, why after 6 months do I still have to remind myself that hes not coming back even though I know hes not

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 30, 2017 at 9:32pm

Debbie......I'm so happy to hear you received a good report.  You and your family must be so relieved. 


Comment by Marsha H on November 30, 2017 at 3:15pm

Dear Christine ...  Yes, we all do care about you very much.  I know you feel like ending it all and joining your husband (I sure did and sometimes still do on bad days) but the fact you are concerned about the lump lights that small flicker of flame inside of you that you do want to live.  Sounds crazy yes, but as time does go on we get stronger and although we will always miss our spouses something forces us to go on.  We will join them one day and there is a reason we still are here.  I finally came to realization Ernie didn't want me to go with him, but live on until we meet again and that I'm sure of for all of us.

You are very fortunate to have a concerned doctor do these tests and yes, they should be done.  This does not mean you have cancer!  The needle biopsy is to hopefully find fluid in your lump which is very common and if it is hard they will do more of an extensive biopsy or remove the lump entirely depending on what your doctor feels is best for you.  The fact the lump is not attached to anything is a good sign and could well mean it is not going into lymph nodes.  Here is a link explaining breast lumps and hope it gives you some comfort: 

Yes, God wants us to have a decent life and just not to exist, but grief is essential in life no matter how much the loss hurts our heart.  You won't feel like this forever Christine and raw grief is the worst.  Grief is a journey and after I got through raw grief (wishing every day I would never wake up) it got easier as time went on.  Then I realized there is life after our beloved's passing.  Grief is a series of steps we go through and I have to say it has made me more humble and more in tune with other people's pain and worries.  I agree with David that already you seem to have improved in your thoughts even if just a small bit.  Christine, not only are you grieving for your loss, but so is your family and they would be devastated if you didn't keep fighting.  I know you are frightened of the outcome of this lump and I'll be praying you come through this just fine.  So please read the link because knowledge is everything. 

Big hug


Comment by David Heggi on November 30, 2017 at 12:35pm

Dear Christine,
You are certainly still in a bad place, not wanting to wake to another long painful day, and another drugged night - I have to take sleeping pills too, otherwise I lay there my mind going to the worst places.
You pushed my buttons where you and your beloved promised that you would go together, implying that neither of you would be left behind. I used to think that sentiment was peculiar to Dave's and my relationship. But after reading story after story,
I believe that it is a universal aspect of grief. And yes, that he would wait for you...
Reading in between the lines, I sense a glimmer of the life force breaking through: you are seeing your Doctors, and more or less complying with treatment - even hope that the cancer might be removed. You may not feel it, but your letter has taken a positive turn.
Hope to hear of more good news,
Your friend

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 30, 2017 at 10:59am

Dear Chuck, Deborah, David,Marsha, Mary Jane I want you all to know that I'm not upset or put off by anything that you've said to me. I appreciate your concern and I know that you are speaking from the heart. I will talk to this Dr on Monday afternoon. She has to convince me that there is a reason for the biopsy. My new Dr said she wished I'd had a mammogram last year. That tells me that it's been there for some time and a year ago the outcome could have been different. Ok yes, I'm reading things that haven't been said. This will be a needle biopsy where they numb the spot and stick a needle in to get some of it. The lump is close to the surface, you can actually see some of it it I lie down and raise my arm.  She will have to convince me that there is a valid reason to do this. Since it isn't attached to anything and there is nothing anywhere else there was talk of just removing it alone and no chemo or radiation. If they open more won't it spread? That would be worse.I will not go through that the tumor is an inch and shows up black .  I dontbelieve that God wants us to just exist he wants us to enjoy our lives and appreciate his blessings. But if you hate when you wake up in the morning because you know you have another useless  long day ahead of you and need sleeping pills and Latvian to sleep....that's not living. I know there are people who are ill and desperately want to live. I would gladly trade places. I pleaded with my husband to give his cancer to me. I knew he couldn't and wouldnt. We always said we'd go together because neither one of us could go on without the other. Seems we both had cancer at the same time and his family all said that he went first cause it would have destroyed him if I went first. There's a reason we have cancer at the same time. I helped him pass and he said he'd wait for me. So,ill see this Dr Monday a nd if she convinces me that the biopsy will give more info then Tuesday morning ill have it. Chances are slim that it's not cancer but we need to know. Maybe they will have a better idea of stage and if it's aggressive. I've had it at least a year. My hands shake all the time, I cry at the drop of a had, I havepanic attacks. I have felt more relaxed since finding this out. Tomorrow will be one month since he seems like years. 


Comment by Steve on November 30, 2017 at 8:20am
Chuck's email is not responding, so he asked me to post this him:

Dear Christine,

I have not been posting on Legacy lately due to selling my home in NJ and moving to Texas. I can’t write everything I want to share with you and everyone in this family, whom I so treasure and love, at this time. Steve, another member and now my partner, and I have just purchased our new home together.Those here familiar with our journey will understand all that, but for you I will confine my post to the message I most urgently want to share.

Two and 1/2 years ago my husband of 32 years, Larry, succumbed to cancer while I was in the hospital fighting for my life after liver and multiple organ failure. After almost 2 months of treatments, tests, and physical therapy, I was sent home to an empty house, an empty bank account, and most importantly, an even emptier heart. While those around me fretted and argued over “what to do about Chuck”, I sat quietly having an interior dialogue with Larry, and with God. The discussion varied depending upon what confusion was swirling around me that day, but the question that was at its heart never changed…”Why am I still here?”

I was told that I may not survive the physical traumas I had sustained, and that there was permanent brain damage. If I lived, I would likely need a liver transplant, but couldn’t be put even on the waiting list to get on the waiting list until I had been proven 6 months alcohol free. In the mean time the potential for spontaneous bleeding from the esophagus and pooling of fluids in different parts of my body would continue. Doctors would look me in the eye and say that I was lucky to be alive. And this is where the “game” started.

All I wanted was to be left alone so nature could take its course - I couldn’t understand why anyone was worried about the loss of my house to taxes, or where I was to live - or what medications would best control my condition. All this seemed foolishly moot to me, because I knew in my heart that I would be with Larry soon…very soon if I had anything to say about it. So when I was told how lucky I was, I simply smiled and said “I know.” When told they wanted to draw more blood, do this or that procedure, or run more tests, I simply said “OK.” When people spoke of where I should live, or how I needed to sell everything I owned to stay off the streets, I simply said “Whatever you think best.”

One day while home alone one of the predicted “bleeds” occurred. I sat at the kitchen table staring at the phone, knowing full well that every minute counted as I lost blood and began feeling dizzy. I had no intention of calling anybody, but for some reason I slowly reached out and dialed 911. Why? What made me call? Why was I still here?

I won’t lie and say I know the answer to that now any better than I did in that nightmarish time. What I will tell you with all the honesty and sincerity I can possibly muster is this : God has a plan for me, and some reason for me to be here still. It has not come easily, but I have accepted the fact that, for whatever reason, “It ain’t over yet.” That last quote came from a song that a woman spontaneously approached me with over 1 year ago, saying to me that she had a message for me and then played the song on her phone while singing it to me - all this transpiring at 7 AM in Dallas airport!

I am not a man anyone who has known me all my life would describe as religious, nor would I have taken to heart such an unusual, and admittedly somewhat alarming, encounter with a stranger. However, after losing Larry I found myself inhabiting a different and frightening universe in which everything familiar and comforting was inside out and upside down. So who was I to ignore this woman, or the literally hundreds of times that signs both big and small that dropped right before me again and again - all pointing me toward and gently guiding me to this dawning day In Texas facing a new life?

Christine, I guess what I am trying to say in my rambling way is this : I know first hand exactly what you are feeling…and you my new friend are not alone in feeling this way. But please believe me when I say this, because I know this as surely as I know that you are in terrible pain and frightened right now - wherever your journey takes you, and however long or brief it may be - you are still here for a reason, and if you allow yourself to go through your journey with all the grieving and challenges it will bring your way, you will find a kind of peace and purpose in your new version of “you” that right now you think impossible. I say this, because I am living proof…emphasis on living.

All this I send to you with my prayers and love -
Comment by deborah peck on November 30, 2017 at 7:32am

yes Marsha prayers do work

Comment by Marsha H on November 30, 2017 at 3:17am

Deborah ....  Prayers do work!  I did pray for you and Christine every night.  I have had cancer before in my 20's and I made it.  I am so please to hear the doctors got all of it and you are OK.  You are right, we are here for a reason.

Hugs to you! 


Comment by deborah peck on November 29, 2017 at 11:47pm

I went to the surgeon today to get my stitches out and to get the final biopsy report and it was all clear, stage 2 but they got it all, am very relieved, I couldn't imagine putting my kids thru any more pain, Christine, I don't think you will like what I am going to say but here goes, I have been thru two husbands deaths, the first one I wanted to desperately drive my car into a river and just be done , I didn't want to live, but knowing the pain my then little girls would go thru I couldn't do it to them, with my recent loss the idea of spending the rest of my life without Greg is daunting so I don't look at the big picture I look at now, day to day, week to week, I would never put my family into having to deal with my death . I had to nurse both  of my parents thru cancer and while the doctor says they will keep you comfortable there is only so much they can do, sometimes it is a long painful death that is unbelievably hard on the family to go thru to so for you to willingly put this kind of pain on your children and family is so wrong, I know your just wanting your pain to end but think about the people that have to live after you are gone, would you want them to do what you are planning, I don't think you would. you would want them to go on and live the life they have and someday be reunited as it should be. I have listened to your messages and it kind of makes me angry that you would give up so easily, no I don't want to be in this world without my husband but I know he would not want me to do something stupid and would want me to watch ur family continue to grow, everyone on this Earth has a purpose and we have to figure out what that purpose is now, so go get the biopsy and continue on for your family.  debbie


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